Monday, July 29, 2013

1100. On a scale of 0-14, she's a 2

There is an old hooker named Stern
One visit, you'll never return
Her cunt's pH?  Acid,
Which makes you go flaccid
And suffer a first degree burn.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

1098. In response to OP116 below

A most felicitous birthday greeting to you, Dave!  Since I'm 67, I can barely even remember being your tender age.  Then again, what I do remember is that life seemed like a peach orchard stretching out ahead of me, full of delights just waiting to be plucked.  For the most part, it's turned out that way and I wish you the same optimism and bounty in your life.  Have a wonderful day and here's a follow-up to your sister's initial limmie:

The fact that you live in Swift Current
Would make these rhymes tough if it weren't
For several beers
And my 36 years
Extra practice.  Age ain't no deterrent!

OP116. Happy birthday to me

My sister wrote me a birthday limerick.  It was her first try, so I've edited it a little to make it scan.

There once was a man from Swift Current
If he stayed in the sun he got burnt
He at supper was happy
Sister's phone took a snappy
And he looked like a weirdo, he learnt.

Yup, I'm a geezer now, I'm 31.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

1097. Rainforest risk

Entomologists down in Belize
Are working to stop killer bees
From continuing north,
And when they step forth
They don't like to get stung where one pees.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Monday, July 22, 2013

1096. Ask and ye shall..

There once was a fellow named Hatch
Who wanted to get him some snatch
He was nervous to ask
A strange girl for the task
But to his surprise she said, "Natch."

Friday, July 19, 2013

1095. Big decision

My options for golf I am mullin'
Watch Open at Muirfield in Gullane?
Or should I go play?
Gonna be a nice day
But my game often makes me real sullen.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

1094. Differences

One diff'rence 'tween straight hers and hims
Is that guys all have cocks, gals have quims.
And then there's their thoughts,
-- sports, tits and twats -- 
While hers run toward shopping and gems.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

1093. What rot

Surfing TV, I made a dumb visit
Watched "E!" and it made me inquisit-
ive.  Saw Justin Bieber
And said, "Ach du lieber!"
If this kid has talent, what is it?

Monday, July 15, 2013

1092. And the horse he Rodin on

A sculptor from France named Dionne
Spent many years thinking (once grown.)
For youth he'd a hunger

But never grew younger
Nickname was Penser de Lyons.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

1091. The capper

There once was a husband named Sam
With a prick like a battering ram
And as likely as not
When he'd fuck his wife's twat
He'd withdraw wearing her diaphragm.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

OP115. Evangelism cataclysm

I know, I know, it's another fundie-bashing limerick.  It's easy and I get a bunch in this one.

Since Falwell fell dead in his top off-
ice, that fraud was exposed - Peter Popoff,
Ted Haggard looks haggard
Jim Swaggart's less swaggered
And religious belief's seen a dropoff.

Okay, not entirely true - Popoff, a faith healer, was exposed before Falwell's death, but the limmie didn't scan that way.  He's still pulling the same scam now.  But religious belief is dropping, especially in those my age (30) and younger.  Partly due to the shining example of hypocrites like these four.

Friday, July 12, 2013

1090. Liberté, égalité, but no fraternity

Forget any French pronunciations you may have learned...
A freshman has tried several plois 
At trying to be one of the bois
But here is the skinny
On why he's not in, he
Has far too much avoirdupois.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

PD79. Nim(ble)rod

A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "That tuna can suck me, by God!"
But the high-minded fish
Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

1089. Double dribble

An incontinent bastard named Rule
Seems to pee all the time with his tool
Except when it's risen
For then he stops whizzin'
And starts in a'lopin' his mule.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

1088. Permanence

There once was a fellow named Black
Whom the town's women gave a fine plaque
They wanted to celebrate
And also commemorate
The fact that he'd never gone slack.

Monday, July 8, 2013

1087. Thrust and Perry

The Scot tennis player, A. Murray,
Took care of Novak in a hurry
In only three sets
He Serbed but few lets
And gained praise from Caithness to Surrey.

Fred Perry was the last UK player to win Wimbledon -- in 1936!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

1086. Rape of the Sabine woman

I'm watching Bartoli-Lisicki
The match looks to be a real quickie
Marion's havin' fun
It's 6-1, 5-1,

Sabine looks like she took a Mickey.
Not much of a Women's final at Wimbledon this year.

Friday, July 5, 2013

1085. The narcolepsy defense

There was a young woman named Blossom
Who led dates to think she would toss 'em
Their dicks tried to creep in
But she would feign sleepin'
By curling up tight, playing 'possum.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

PD78. Love the alternate spelling

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
        When his date was strapped in
        He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.

You can tell this one's old -- pre-seatbelts.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

1084. Fatuous pursuit

There once was a golfer named Clough
Whose ball often flew in the rough
And when he would find it
He'd then hit behind it
And shout out, "My God, this game's tough!"

There's a pun in my title.  To strike the ground first is called "hitting it fat."

Monday, July 1, 2013

1083. What an annus!

A rascal's dick looked like a finial
Whenever it got hard and lineal
Now he was no saint,
Liked attacking wife's taint --
The pain in her ass was perineal.

The area between the vagina and anus is properly pronounced 'periNEEal' (but then the last word pun wouldn't work.)