Saturday, June 30, 2012

739. Rules of engorgement

An octogenarian, Bud,
Has a pecker that's mostly a dud.
He barely can piss
But the worst part is this:
He can't get enough blood to his pud.

Friday, June 29, 2012

738. Wish I had what she was having

Norah Ephron, that dear, got my vote
As a writer whom I loved to quote.
When Bernstein divorced her
She felt that he'd forced her
To shout out the name of "Deep Throat."

Which, supposedly, she would do at random times.  She had figured out from ex-husband Carl B's notes that "M.F." stood for Mark Felt.  If anyone asked why she was yelling Felt's name, she'd tell them!  The philandering husband in her 1983 novel "Heartburn" was modeled on her marriage to Bernstein.  Ephron wrote he was "capable of having sex with a Venetian blind."  Good obit. at THIS SITE.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

737. Onan the barbarian

An old exhibitionist, Bland,
Would jack-off outside with his hand.
And he felt no guilt
At spilling his milt
On the sidewalk, the grass or the sand.

Genesis 38: 8-9 for the title's inspiration..

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

736. Disturbing

As I slept in the Las Vegas Hyatt,
From the corridor I heard a riot.
Opened door just a crack
Heard "It's Elvis!  He's back!!"
I resumed my night's sleep (didn't buy it.)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

735. Setting the precedent

Said Eve in the Garden of Eden:
"I know, dear, there's something you're needin'.
But I won't come across
Just because you're the boss,
If you want some it's going to take pleadin'."

Monday, June 25, 2012

734. Oh, Dessa

An estranged wife whose first name is Dessa,
Went and found her a man to caress-a.
Her guilt from this sin
Made her sit down within
The confessional with The Confessa.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

733. A new slant on things

I (while seeking out sex that was suitable)
Learned one stereotype is refutable.
On that happy occasion
I fucked me an Asian.
Who says the Chinese are inscrutable?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

732. From dreidel to grave

A Jewish musician named Birge
Appears to be right on the verge
Of leaving this life
And all of its strife --
Start rehearsing the funeral dirge.

My title has two puns.  First, a child's Chanukah toy -- 'dreidel' -- to replace cradle.  Next, 'grave' as an adjective means solemn or serious, like a dirge.

Friday, June 22, 2012

731. Færie in the ærie

A man who is very aloof,
Has the penthouse just under the roof.
He's so very stand-offish,
Finds no guys to boffish
Although he is truly a poof.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

730. Little (if any) merit

There once was a goof-off named Garrett,
Who kept as a pet a small ferret.
Tried to teach it to talk
But it only would balk
So he traded it in on a parrot.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

729. Nooner

I really do like a noon screw,
It's a favorite thing that I do!
Had to work back when younger,
Could not sate my hunger
Much earlier than about 2:00.

728. "Pirate Latitudes"

I'm reading this novel by Crichton
'Bout pirates who always are fichton.
Right now they're at sea
But they don't want to be,
They're in hopes that
soon land they'll be sichton.

Monday, June 18, 2012

727. Try a flannel nightgown... or saltpeter

A horny new husband named Eddie
Bought his wife a revealing silk teddy.
When she slipped it off
And they started to boff,
He came before wifie was ready.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

726. Style

You may have noted that I always align all five lines to the left, while others don't (including Okiejokey in his numerous "OP" contributions.)  I've never felt that moving the BB lines inward (though I have below) added anything so I don't bother to do it.  Comments?

While each writing limericks one night,
A rival and I had a fight.
       For is it convention
       That using indention
On lines 3 and 4's always right?

Saturday, June 16, 2012

725. Hand-made handmaid

A man whose employee was deservent,
Said "I think I'll reward my girl servant."
Put his hand in her trough,
Rubbed her clit, got her off
Which made her devotion more fervent.

Friday, June 15, 2012

724. It's a little early for football, but...

That analyst/coach named Lee Corso,
Is zany and couldn't be more so.
After each pre-game chat,
He pulls out a hat
And his pick's made when it's o'er his torso.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

723. The alternative

An old Michigander named Doug,
When rebuffed by his wife will just shrug,
Find some porn to look on,
Take it into the john
And give his small pecker a tug!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

722. Seven sister wives, one not so much...

A polygamist Mormon named Fedder,
In life was a multiple wedder.
But then wife number eight
Learned "I'm not his sole mate!"
Mr. F. couldn't be any deader.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

721. Long-distance love

A lesbian lassie named Lana
Has a girl friend who lives in Savannah.
They have to live singly
Thus rarely get mingly,
For Lana's out west in Tarzana.

Monday, June 11, 2012

720. Driving, missed daisies

A techie and multiple felon
Stole a GPS made by Magellan.
But the voice of its bitch
Steered him into a ditch.
That gadget
on EBay he's sellin'.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

718-719. Time to catch up

I missed posting on Friday 6/8 so two today...
A crusty old German from Mainz,
Will eat only ketchup from Heinz.
He says "It's a doozie!

One has to be choosy
When picking the places one dines."

A naughty young woman named Leah,
Who hailed from the town of Sophia,
Found a hot-to-trot Bulgar
With whom to get vulgar
And wound up with clap (gonorrhea.)

Saturday, June 9, 2012

717. Rick Bayless-less

While train-tripping through old Chicago,
The Grahams looked for the restaurant "Spago."
It's by Chef Wolfgang Puck
But it's west coast!  Sad luck...

We ate pizza with bad Asiago.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

PD37. Had a wife but had to leabvre

A trapper named François Lefebrve
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
The result of this fuck
Was a three wing-ed duck,
A grey fox, and an Irish retriebrve.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

716. Salute

To an old classmate and one of my regular readers.
A 60+ fellow named Blanks,
Likes playing with pretty girls' flanks.
When not doing that,
Plays at golf, hits it fat
(That is, when he's not hitting shanks.)

715. Rough going

A newlywed husband and bride
Were eager to finally collide.
She was dry, had no lubes
To use down by her pubes
And the groom got rubbed raw (couldn't glide.)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

714. Gotta (back)hand it to her

There once was a blond, very vapid,
Who, at saying dumb things was quite rapid.
She popped off in class
(Which the teacher thought crass)
And the blond girl wound up getting slapped.

Monday, June 4, 2012

713. Coquette

A real horny gal named Yvette,
If she's not getting any will frette.
But if being done
By a hard 6-inch gun
She will heavily pant, scream and swette.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

712. Sounds like slim pickin's to me

A friend and once classmate named Wayne-o,
Decided he'd move out of Plano
To the old 'Show Me' state.
I said "Seeking a date?
What are odds in the small town of Jane, MO?"

Saturday, June 2, 2012

711. Penults and cop-porn

The "penult" is the next-to-last syllable of a word.  "Penultimate" means "anything occurring next-to-last."  "Penult'ry" means I needed a rhyme.
A policewoman thought of as sultry,
Oft engaged in the sport of adult'ry.
She got caught in the act
By her husband and cracked,
"Please, once more.  Can this time be penult'ry?"

Friday, June 1, 2012

710. "I am not a crook"

In '68, one confused vixen
Began bad sense and politics mixin'.
By '71
She was sorry she'd done
What she did, 'cause she'd voted for Nixon.