Sunday, December 30, 2012

PD59-61. All clean, all clever

There once was a curate from Kew,
Who kept a black cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got farther than mu.

There's a wonderful family, Stein.
There's Gertrude, there's Ep, and there's Ein.
Gert's poetry's bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.

In the English Post Office the abbreviation for Salisbury is "Sarum"
and that of Hampshire is "Hants."  Say the short versions...
There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were too halisbury-scalisbury.
He walked about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
'Til the vicar compelled him to walisbury.

You may be wondering how Hampshire could become 'Hants' when it has no 'n.'  Well, Hampshire itself is an abbreviation..... for Hamptonshire.

Friday, December 28, 2012

OP67. He's gone nuts

There was a crazy man named Murdock
Who was found in a state of pure shock
He had murdered his hooker
(Who he thought was a looker)
When he first got a glimpse of her cock.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

PD58. Not a limerick...but clever

With his middle name of Wadsworth, you'd kinda expect a parody like this one on Longfellow's The Village Blacksmith.  I think I first heard the following about 50 years ago.

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village idiot sat.
Amusing himself,
Abusing himself,
And catching the drops in his hat.

901. Public Service Announcement

I'm sorry if this limerick hurts you,
But it's time I wrote one that alerts you
To the wages of sin.
(About 8 dollars 10
To see skin flicks without any virtue.)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

900. Peak performance spurned

An old mountain climber named Larry
And a friend scaled the heights to an aerie.
The friend said, "I'll blow ya."
"But I hardly know ya!"

Said Larry, "Besides, I'm no fairy."

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

899. Undentured servant

While traveling out in the sticks,
I came on a girl 'mongst the hicks
Who'd no teeth.  I did pound her
But mainly, I found her
A consummate sucker of dicks.

Read what you will into line 2...

OP66. Long, low, and a little to the left

Whenever I'm asked "how's it hangin'?"
I insert a joke 'bout my wang in
I tell them "you see
It's foot long, fancy free
And assures me of plenty of bangin'."

Monday, December 24, 2012

898. A Very Merry!

I see that it's now Christmas Eve,
Here's one which I've kept up my sleeve.
Thanks for each comment, post,
And suggestion, but most
Of all, letting me give and receive!

Special thanks to my regular readers and contributors:  OkieJokey, Boulderite, Amanda B. Reckondwith, Dave Reddekopp, and Bob Blanks.  Hmmmm, a total lack of feminine readers...  What should I make of that?

OP65. How does this grab you?/Do you grab this?

Yesterday at a “Dirty Santa” party my gift was one of those nabber devices for getting things from off shelves and behind the ‘fridge.  The present was so lame I thought it needed an equally lame limerick to accompany it.

Have you ever felt need to kvetch
When you’ve put away stuff you can’t fetch?
    “How I wish for,” you rasp,
    “Reach exceeding my grasp!”
What you want is a bit of a stretch.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

897. Stress reliever?

When sad, William weeps like a willow
And beats off two times in his pillow!
His cum then gets crusty
And smelling all musty,
Now that is one strange peccadillo.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

OP64. No end in sight

Another end of the world limerick, this one's a fresh one.  My last title was better though...

Some fellow had chose to cause friction
By attempting a doomsday prediction
But the end of the world
Is not what unfurled
So the whole thing turned out to be fiction.

896. Fowl play

While romancing a gal in the park,
A guy got shit on by a lark.
Or maybe a squab
Dropped its wet, nasty gob,
How was he to know?  It was dark.

Friday, December 21, 2012

895. What Scot into me?

The muse has been absent of late, but I got an email today announcing the annual Robert Burns Supper on Jan. 26th and just couldn't resist writing this one...

I'll list here a group of celebrities
Who hail from the land near the Hebrides.
Burns, Hume, Fleming, Bell,
Knox, Carlyle, Boswell.
These aren't the Black Irish (those ebonies.)

Perhaps I was thinking of Ebenezer Scrooge for that last rhyme...

OP63. The end is nah

I came up with this one last year, when Harold Camping predicted the rapture would happen, but as the world is supposed to end again today, I figured the time was right for this one:

A man once predicted the rapture
Many gullible minds did he capture
Though the bible says Jesus
Will come when he pleases
Do I think the whole thing's full of crap? Sure!

OP62. For my dad

My father died a year ago today.  This one is for him:

This limerick is for my dad
He's the greatest influence I've had
I'm glad that my father
Was willing to bother
To help me through life, good and bad.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

894. Achtongue!

A fastidious woman named Young
Used Clorox when douching her bung.
When her man went to lick her
Could not have got sicker
And suffered white spots on his tongue.

OP61. Curves

I once met a girl at a rave
Who was sad for her tits were concave
She would get much more sex
If her tits were convex
Because that's what the fellas all crave.

Friday, December 14, 2012

893. Borscht Belt reject

A silly young Jewess named Jamie,
Was labeled by friends, "Cocka-mamie."
The jokes that she told
Were all very old
And most of their punch lines were lamie.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

892. Shrubbery

There is a musician, Veronica,
Whose bush smells just like a Japonica.
If you fall for its spell
She'll screw you real well
And blow you like you're a harmonica.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

891. FLK

An oddly-constructed child, Craig,
Was born looking much like an egg.
Something else was real weird --
When from womb he appeared
He had only one arm and one leg.

The title refers to an abbreviation actually used by pediatricians, social workers, etc.  I learned this from my cousin who spent over 30 years in child welfare.  It means "Funny lookin' kid."

Saturday, December 8, 2012

890. Irish cream

There once was a strange man from Dublin
With a habit that most will find troublin'.
He'd beat off 'til creamin',
Insert straw in semen
And blow hard until it was bubblin'!

Friday, December 7, 2012

889. Change of mind

There once was a maiden named Trudy,
Whose opinion of sex was quite prudy
'Til a man came along
With a 13 inch dong --
No virgin now, Trudy got scrudy!

Click 'Home' at the bottom of the page to start reading hundreds more!  When you reach the end of a page (about 15 entries each), click 'Older Posts' to get 15 more.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

888. Totally tacky

There was an equestrienne, Vicky,
Whose fingers were constantly sticky.
With one foot in stirrup
She'd sip maple syrup,
The spills made the reins really icky.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

887. Brown-nosing in action

For folks who say, "Your limericks pain us!"
Take this ('bout a queer) and it's heinous.
It seems that his forte
Is he's able to snort
Back his cum from his boy friend's anus.

Is anyone else bothered by the pronunciation 'for-tay' when 'strength' is meant?  Forte is a monosyllabic noun.  Forté is a two-syllable adverb meaning 'loud.'

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

886. Emotions after death?

A sweet little honey named Laurie
Went to India on a safari.
One night to her tent
A starved tiger went
And ate her up, leaving her sari.

Monday, December 3, 2012

PD54-57. Classically crafted

I once knew a lass from Tacoma,
Whose twat had a wondrous aroma.
When the lads took a whiff,
About half would get stiff,
The rest would fall into a coma.

We all know that tampons are spongy
And oftentimes get rather grungy.
But why they have strings
(Among other things)
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.

There was a young chap in Arabia
Who courted a widow named Fabia.
"Yes, my tongue is as long
As the average man's dong,"
He said, licking the lips of her labia.

One day a young lady named Flo
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow.
In disgust she replied,
"Your request is denied.
I don't think I could stoop quite that low."

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Ready for quash rackets?

OK, Okie.  I read your comment to #OP58.  To level the playing field for the contest and get more readers aware of it, I'm changing the start time to noon CST on Dec. 3.  Entries will be accepted up until 10:00 pm CST on 12/3.

I am challenging all readers to write a limerick (or limericks) rhyming the word 'quash.'  I didn't originally say you had to rhyme it, but that seems only reasonable.  It can appear as the last word of any line.

If you want to enter, put your limericks in as comments to this postEnter as many diferent limmies as you want.

Voting (one time by any reader) will be done as further comments to this post,  It will commence at 10:01 pm CST on 12/3 and end at noon CST on Tuesday, 12/4.  To make it fair (?), you may not vote for your own entries.

Award 5 points to your favorite and 3 points to your second favorite.  If you submit any entries, you must vote.  Otherwise, all votes cast for you will be erased.  Only cast one first-place and one second-place vote, please.

Remember, you don't have to enter to vote, but you must vote if you enter!!

Hoping none of you are at a losh for words that rhyme....
   The Limericist

OP59-60. The debate continues

First, in trying to grasp the creation
Man had bypassed experimentation

And his ignorance? Hid it.
In proclaiming "God did it!"
Left the Maker without explanation.

We still needed an answer, you see
For how the world's life came to be
But Darwin's evolution
Gave us our solution
To all of life's diversity.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

885. It's been a while

If you've been wondering what happened to the composer limericks...
That Russian man, Sergei Rachmaninoff,
Wrote things that turn people both on 'n off.
Rhapsody on a Theme...
Has parts like a dream
But they often are wasted upon a toff.