Wednesday, August 31, 2016

2218. A cacophony of C's and STD's

A callous and careless Redcap
Had chlamydia, chanchroid, and clap
They were caught near the cape
Now his coffin's in crepe
But those call girls don't care, not a crap.

OP343. Unlucky Numbers

Isn't that just great? The past 3 limericks posted involve trauma of one kind or another. Why don't I just join in the fray? Being a true story makes the following more painful...

My mum played the lottery once
One week later she felt like a dunce
She'd a-won on that day
But she didn't replay
Those six numbers (she still groans and grunts!)

2217. B-B-Bilabials

A beastly old bishop named Blair
Was buggering boys while stripped bare
As he bent o'er their britches
He briskly said, "Bitches,
Your butts will soon bleed; I'm a bear!"

Dave Reddekopp started this (q.v. in OP342 below) using 's.'

OP342. Scent of a Woman

I swiftly was swayed by her spell
She said oral sex would be swell
As I started to sit
To slurp on her slit
I soon was made sick from the smell.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

2216. The first five to survive

Annette was the first to be sent,
Émilie popped out
next from mom's vent
Third, Yvonne came along

Then Cécile (still no dong?!)
While Marie was the last Dionne quint.

In May, 1934 the five identical sisters were born in Ontario, Canada.  1 & 4 are still  living.

Monday, August 29, 2016

OP341. Don't fucking bleep me!

Politely writ would've been worse
Though, rightly, it should've, in verse
Degrading pretense or
Evading the censor
So nightly - shit! Could've, in curse!

See if you can spot what I did here.  I've been wanting to write one in this format for a LONG time.  Hope I did it justice.

2214-2215. A spurious, spiteful spirit

If your tavern I should wander in
The next time I go out for a spin,
You may bring an auslese
Or ice-cold cerveza
But, please, not one drop of your gin.

Yes, I'm telling you this, lim'rick reader,
That regardless which one is the leader,
Gordon's, Booth, Tanqueray
Or Sapphire from Bombay
I'd as soon suck some sap from a cedar.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

2213. Shooting (and) craps

An anal old Israeli colonel
Was regular, took dumps diurnal
In manner quotidian
While serving in Midian
He even kept track in his journal.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

PD251-253. The Religious Wrong

There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the source
Of divine intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker
He yelled, "My God!  What
Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"

There once was a monk from Tibet
Who said to a woman he met,
"You may find this odd
But I'm One with God
And HE wants to fondle your set!"

Friday, August 26, 2016

2211. Let's focus... twice.*

An artist, creating a tryptich,
Instead made it far too elliptic
With canvases curving
His paint brush kept swerving
Which yielded a work that was cryptic.

*An ellipse has two focal points (the foci.)

Thursday, August 25, 2016

2210. Here's to "The Apple"

I'm writing about New York City
Its Chamber should like this short ditty
I find there a prevalence
Of 'nice,' not malevolence
If you've never been, more's the pity.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

OP340. No more mate to fellate me

My ex-girlfriend was taken aback - 
Says it's sick if she'd suck on my sack
Though a sec with my sock
Would relieve my poor cock
I'm now left not a lass, but a lack.

2209. Eating at the Y

A gal from the 20's, a flapper,
Had a feller -- with tongue he would lap her
Sweet snatch (scented florally)
Yes, turned her on orally
No fish odor from her red snapper.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

2208. Serves him right!

Four sponsors have dropped Ryan Lochte
Due to bathroom stall door which he rocked.  He
told lies which were whoppers,
Won't get to sway shoppers
By shilling for even a mock tee.

Monday, August 22, 2016

PD248-250. Three classics

The first may be my favorite to relate as I love to lean on the alliteration in L1&2.
There once was a faggot named Feeney
Who enjoyed putting gin on his weenie
Once (being uncouth)
He added vermouth
And slipped his friend Bruce a martini.

A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home in a purple pagoda
She festooned the walls
Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

2207. Rectal dysfunction

A Mexican hooker named Lupe
Took offense if her johns got too snoopy
Up the ass one guy dinked her
She let go her sphincter
And sent him home goopy and poopy.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

2206. 75¢ words

When I ape Little Lord Fauntleroy
My intent's to bring unalloyed joy.
Using terms recondite
I attempt to delight
Those who've risen above hoi polloi.

The use of uncommon words herein is part of the reason this blog isn't read more widely.  However, I refuse to "dumb it down" (though that may sporadically and unintentionally occur.)  Thanks to my other posters for keeping the bar raised.

Friday, August 19, 2016

2205. Angler anger

A fisherman wrote to deride
His outfitter's choice of a guide:
"He found not one bass hole,
The guy was an asshole
Who came along
just for the ride."

Thursday, August 18, 2016

2204. I've gut to see a doctor

I'm suffering with problems gastric
My stomach feels hard, inelastic
Could it be a lizard
Has lounged in my gizzard?
Whatever, the pain is fantastic.

Not true.  Just 'heard' the rhymes from 2203's title.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

2203. The fantastic spastic

There once was a lad with great pluck
He'd stay after a girl 'til she'd fuck
It became well-known fact
That when doing the act
The guy's body control ran amok.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

2202. Too many irons in the fire, no doubt

Welcome back to the fold, Mr. Blanks
I feared you were gone from the ranks

Had some poems I blogged
Made you feel somewhat flogged?

Well, whatever, you're back.  I say, "Thanks!"
Bob Blanks and I went to high school together.  He is very bright, with eclectic tastes in many fields.  Until today, my StatCounter hadn't recorded a visit from him for more than two months.

2201. "..., crawfish pie and filé gumbo"

I went from Freeport to Lucaya
To try a cafe by the playa
Though not a food wonk
Learned I didn't like conch
I would rather have had jambalaya.

Actually, I've had fried conch and conch chowder and liked both!
My title is a line from the song.

Monday, August 15, 2016

2200. What a drip

When I pee, I am tired of endurin'
The burn;  I'm in need of a curin'
That whore's slimy trap
Last week gave me the clap --
I know, 'cause there's pus in my urine.

From the voice of experience (but almost 50 years ago.)

Sunday, August 14, 2016

2199. No breathing room

I was wondering if I'd ever seen a limerick with zero end-of-line pauses.  None came to mind, so I wrote one.

Oh, there once was a man from the north part of Maine
Who got gored by a moose and wound up in much pain
He spent two weeks in bed
Wishing he could be dead
And then when he got out, well, that moose, it got slain.

While it scans, is it too “busy” with its full pulse scheme of 12-12-6-6-12?

Saturday, August 13, 2016

2198. Looked like #20 to me

The new flick with the great Meryl Streep
Has a plot that's all fun, not too deep

Last night, spent two Lincolns
On "Flor Foster Jenkins"
And never was tempted to sleep.

Streep has had 19 Oscar nominations, with 3 wins.

Friday, August 12, 2016

2197. I've heard some old folks still do it

When I try to arouse her, hear "Don't"
Not sure why my wife needs her 'cont'
Fuck positions ne'er vary
Just strict missionary
May be sixty-nine, but she won't.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

2195-2196. The preposterous posturer

In June, the Repubs were much prouder
It looked like The Donald might crowd her
Would it be presumptuous
To pray, "Don't send Trump to us"?
There's no one who bloviates louder.

Calls for violence sure sour my palate
The Trump thinks he'll judge with a mallet
His words orotund
Cry out for a fund
Which would get him removed from the ballot.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

2194. I should burro my head in shame

Another favorite "what do you get if you cross..." joke.
Crossed Jif™ with a donkey down south
Will result be an offspring or drouth?
An eared sandwich?  How crass!
Or a fine piece of ass
That will stick to the roof of my mouth?

If that's too confusing, the joke goes...
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with a PB sandwich?
A: You either get a PB sandwich with long ears, or a piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

2193. Thing's are going swimmingly

I love when they race in the pool
The camera work is so cool
As the swimmers 'crawl' by
Or use back, breast, or fly
It can make for a wonderful duel.

Monday, August 8, 2016

2192. Toodle-oo, Mr. Tootler

Pete Fountain succumbed on 8/6
A giant, like Louis and Bix
Man, oh man could he play!
Drank the best chardonnay
Go to youtube™ to hear some great licks.

OP339. Hope the title adz something

A king once believed it was good
To lay all the ladies he could
Inside of his palace
But even Cialis
Could not help the shape of his wood.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

2191. Anopheles, or do you want more?

Thank goodness (according to Tweeters)
In Rio there aren't many 'skeeters
Still, who'd want to seek a
Bite laced with some Zika?
We guys fear could alter our peters.

You might also enjoy #1259.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

2190. Olympic encyclic

Bike riding's on TV from Rio
Not somewhere that I'd wish to be, oh
I've seen a few bobbles
As they ride o'er cobbles
Perhaps 'cause they go so con brio.

Friday, August 5, 2016

2189. This may fit you to A T (& T)

I remember a joke that was great
'Bout dissimilar things one might mate;
For a levity booster
Cross phone pole with rooster
As if they had gone on a date.

To see folks' reactions was fun
For they'd viewed Ma Bell's ad that had run
The offspring brought a shock,
'Twas a twenty foot cock

Which could reach out and (gasp!) touch someone!  (that's a link)

Thursday, August 4, 2016

2188. Organic ordure to some

One French fellow's works may cause panic
Some are dissonant, birdlike, and manic
But when played on the keys
By an organist, please
Know that lots find his stuff Messiaenic.

Upon hearing works by Olivier Messiaen, detractors shout, "Jesus!" for a different reason.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

2187. In response to a challenge

A friend watches TV's "The Bachelorette."  She called yesterday morning to see what I could do with these facts:
   Competition Winner Jordan Rodgers is the younger brother of Green Bay QB Aaron
   The brothers do not speak to one another
   The 'bachelorette' is someone from Dallas named JoJo.

There's bad blood between Brothers Rodgers
Though both are too young to be codgers
Bachelor Jordan won JoJo
But may join a dojo
Then fight Aaron (like Giants-Dodgers.)

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

2186. Or the couch, floor, back seat...

It's time for 5 lines limned in red
'Bout things that occur in a bed
Like stroking and fucking
While riding and bucking
And giving your partner some head.

Can that last word refer to cunnilingus, or only fellatio?

Monday, August 1, 2016

2185. Dejeuner dialogue

There once was a punster named Pawlik
Whose dinner-time jokes were a frolic
Offered bœuf bourgignon 
His reply brought a groan,
"I don't care for French food, too much Gallic."