2342. Not all was Marvel-ous

It seems The Incredible Hulk
Had a dick which lacked similar bulk
The thing was so small
That it made his dates bawl
Though a few of them gave him a sulk.
(That story was fellatious.)

OP383. This is acute one

"The hypotenuse", he would opine,
"Should connect to each right-angled line"
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent on sine and cosine.

OP382. Unsootable ash-wipe

This one won me a contest over at Mad Kane's.  Only the second time.

It's clear that I haven't a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It's true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head
Now I'm laid up in bed from the flue.

OP378-381. A quartet for Lafayette

Inspired by #2333, these were my comment.  I was told they deserved front-page status.  They were more meant as stand-alone verses than as a continuous storyline; they just happen to be about the same thing.  BTW, Lafayette is the L in L. Ron Hubbard.  And David Miscavige is the head of the CoS now.

I can't say that I would applaud it
When these weirdos give you an audit
It's all such a joke
Their E-meter's broke
Bring on the next group and defraud it!

An actress named Leah Remini
Once followed this farce, but said "Fini!
They're just taking your money
It's not even funny
And David Miscavige? A weenie!"

The credulous crowd is consumed
Where this loony religion has loomed
When I hear about Xenu
I think I must renew
My case that humanity's doomed.

As a bonus, I'll throw in Ken Gosse's entry at Mad Kane's site, simply because I like it and it also skewers the CoS:

An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu
Found a book in the cupboard
By ol' L. Ron Hubbard
And soon lost her life savings too.

2341. God, father!

The mobster named Carlo Gambino
Passed gas inside ev'ry casino
Because of his status
None faulted his flatus
Though several offered him Beano.™

PD288-291. Silly jisms

Logically, what else should I call them?
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
The heat of the sun
Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta.

There once was a blackguard from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
At the peak of the make
She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.

A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
He labeled it: Son,
And filed it away on the shelf.

There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Who worried his sex life was hapless:
The more he would screw
The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.

2340. Service with some bile

Just got home after flying on Delta
For my drink order, I kinda felta
Brewed cup of decaf
Would go well; no carafe
So the stew's offer made me think, "Belta!"

Unbelievable!  I was given a tiny tube-shaped packet, a napkin, a swizzle-stick, and was told, "I'll have to go up front for hot water."  "What's this?" I asked, indicating the pack.  "That's your decaf."  "Huh?!"  "When your hot water arrives, you put the contents in the water and stir."  "INSTANT??!"  (I almost yelled it.)  "Well, the regular coffee is brewed..."

Add in the fact that WiFi costs $4.95 per half-hour and my seat wouldn't recline and I was not pleased.  No doubt all carriers are as bad... I just haven't flown much lately.

2339. Abreast of aging

At races, we old guys are laggers
(We go running 'cause our wives are naggers)
Though both Neds and Nellies
Develop pot-bellies
Gals' tits are the more pronounced saggers.

2338. Low-country luxury

We're ensconced in a not-before seen house
So gorgeous and lovely, no mean house
With a boy in the womb
Daughter's brood needed room
Grandchild Nora gave name, "The light-green house."
Wife and I flew down to spend Christmas with our entire family.  Seeing "tiny tots with their eyes all aglow" was wonderful (each is 2½.)  Son and his wife from NJ flew back today with their boy.  We leave the 27th.

2337. Poor man's Puerta Vallarta

One Christmas, a jet plane did beam us
Down to Mexico.  Something did deem us
To check the beer flap,
(Letterman called it "crap")
We spent X-mas in Guaymas with Zimas.
 It was last in more ways than alphabetically.

OP377. Re-visit from same nookie lass

Okie-Jokey forgot his posting password.  This one is his.
Saw a typo – told wife that its gist must
Become our 12/24 tryst must.
     Forget kerchief and cap,
     I’ll make search of her lap
And enjoy “Twat the Night Before Christmas.”

2336. As a teenie, I loved Jeannie

While imagining acts epiglottal 
Barb'ra Eden would make my skin mottle.
I would watch her on "Dream" 'n,
Save up lots of semen
Then come when she came from her bottle.

2335. He's our fate, stop the hate

Deservedly, we've given hell
To The Donald for how he did smell
Up the race pre-election;
Now he's the selection
So quit being mad, wish US well.
(As in U.S. --- and the rest of the planet.)

2334. The collapsible cock

There once was a rascal from Perth
Whose pecker brought all the girls mirth
It folded in sections,
When he got erections
That dick was the longest on earth.

2333. A crazy cult

The followers of Scientology
Might as well think there's truth in Mythology
Throw out of your cupboard
Books by L. Ron Hubbard
If you believe, I've no apology.
I previously skewered them in #1613.  Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley are members.  Need I say more?

2332. Never Naminated

I served in the USAF from 1965 to 1969 but was never stationed overseas.  Had I been sent to Viet Nam it likely would have been to the main airbase --- Ton Son Nhut.

While an airman was stationed at Ton Son 
Nhut he lit his smokes with a Ronson
In his hooch, kept a Hmong
Girl to service his dong
(Way back then, no one called it their johnson.)
Check here for hooch and Hmong.

2331. He should springbok to Zambia

A traveling cowboy named Leland
Decided to go to New Zealand
Had the hope he could rope
Quite a few antelope
But it's Africa where they have eland.

2330. Right now, it's 58ºF

When I wake in the morning, I'll dress
Just a sweater for warmth I would guess
Temp at noon, 35
Then it drops, man alive,
To 11.  Thanks, Polar Express.

2329. Borrowed AND blue

Another joke-turned-limerick:
It's been far too long since I grooved
Which a friend's comment recently proved;
He said with great pride,
"I get some on the side!"
I replied, "What?!  You mean it's been moved?"

I told Suzanne the joke, then plagiarized from her limmie -- which she wouldn't post!

2328. Drill. What barriers? Drill!

Our pres'dent-elect chose Rick Perry
To be Energy Secretary
Now 'tween him and Scott Pruitt
Most think Donald blew it
But not oil tycoons --- they are merry!

My title is a pun on this old folk song.

2327. Damned with faint praise

Bowl season's upon us, what fun!
We'll eventually crown Number One.
Forty games this post-season
And that is the reason
Some teams have lost more than they've won.

A bowl game used to be a reward for a good season.  With only 128 teams to choose from, and since games cannot end in ties, it is obvious that with 80 teams "bowling," some are going to have losing records going in.

This year, sixteen selected teams have 6-6 records, one is 6-7, and two are 5-7, guaranteeing that they will finish the season with a losing record.  In my opinion, 40 bowl games is at least 25 too many.

PD284-287. Male genitalia

There once was a spaceman named Spock
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
A girl from Missouri
Whose name was Uhura
Just fainted away from the shock.

There was a young man of Tibet
And this is the strangest one yet
His prick was so long,
So pointed, so strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette,

There once was a man from Madras,
Whose bollocks were made out of brass
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

One evening a workman named Rawls
Fell asleep in his old overalls
And when he woke up he
Discovered a puppy
Had bitten off both of his balls.

2326. Ship of fools

While "The Donald" is finding his groove
Contemplating, "Now, what's my next move?"
We look at his staff
(Which, so far, is a laugh)
And we wonder whom it will behoove.

2325. And I saved $50!

Whore said, "Shall we screw in the bed?"
I replied, "I'd like oral instead."
She obediently knelt
I unzipped and then felt
A most wonderful blow to the head.

2324. Dim bulb Nimrod

I don't believe hunting's my callin'
Next time it's suggested, I'm stallin'
Joined a friend on a dare
We encountered a bear
Had the safety on --- got quite a maulin'.
Guess I shoulda gone deep sea fishing...

2323. Wait for it...

A woman with beautiful hooters
Counts all men in town as her rooters
By refusing a ring
She makes every guy sing
Yes, she's expert at beating off suitors.

2322. A foil for Big Oil

For the EPA, Trump picked Scott Pruitt
Tree huggers are shocked he would do it.
Both men are deranged
Saying, "Climate's not changed,
And as for the environment, screw it."

2321. Habitual ritual

My internet's gone on the fritz
Can't email --- it's really the shits!
Happened yesterday morn
Spent the day without porn,
No pussies, no fucking, no tits.

OP376. I can't win

Another contest entry.  Something tells me Suzanne will like this one.

I hate shopping. Adrift, what to buy
There's no stopping for thrift, price too high
Just to give her a lift
I deliver my gift
Now she's hopping mad, miffed, so I cry.

2320. AWAD word from 12/5

To a dude ranch we ventured to practice
Our riding; had something impact us.
Got into a succulent
Made wife and me truculent
Because of the spines from that cactus.

2319. What a pile

An idea with which I have toyed
May indicate that I'm devoid
Of the least bit of class;
Dream I might fuck an ass
That exhibits a huge hemorrhoid.

PD283. Why Eva Braun was always down

It's said Hitler had only one ball
And though Goering had two, they were small
And I've heard Heinrich Himmler
Had something quite similar
While Goebbels had no balls at all.

2318. Canal Street

Ev'ry general surgeon has seen 'em,
Not the stomach or bowel --- in between 'em.
A total repulser
When showing an ulcer
You know what I mean --- duodenum.

2317. Sweet cheeks

On my girlfriend I spend many bucks
If you dis her, I'll get my brass knucks
Don't misunderstand
And think, "break-up is planned"
When I tell you that she really sucks.

2316. Tappan Zee keg

What know we about Rip Van Winkle?
I'll add to his story this wrinkle:
Since he drank sev'ral beers
And then slept 20 years
Upon waking, my God did he tinkle!

2315. Pox Vobiscum

There once was a cocksman named Cliff
Who fucked a young girl in a jif
She got her blood tested
And had him arrested --
The bastard had given her syph.

2314. Horseshoes and nuclear warfare*

Clinton lost by a smallish amount
She will not get to drink from the fount
That's reserved for the Prez;
Ev'ry angry Dem says
That she ought to demand a re-count.
* Two instances when "close is good enough" (but not in US elections)

2313. Grey area

Many gals over 80 are doin' it
Leave it in fifteen minutes or ruin it
Wow, the head is amazing!
You do know my phrasing
Refers to their hair when they're bluin' it?

2311-2312. Econ. 101

The GOP gave us "The Donald"
Too bad he's not charming like Ronald
(That's Reagan --- quite nice ---
But his tax cuts failed twice.)
Let's hope in four years Don is "gonald."

Besides the fact Trump is a jerk
In his brains naught from Keynes seems to lurk.
With his damned fickle frown
He'll propose "Trickle-down
Economics."  Been tried.  Didn't work.

2310. Non-slip surface

He withdrew as he fucked Nellie Bly
She asked him, "Is something awry?"
The man said with a snort,
"My dear, life's too short
To put up with pussy that's dry."

2308-2309. The lacker cabinet

Trump's filling his cabinet fast
Blacks and Muslims will be more harassed
Named his A.G., Jeff Sessions,
Who ought make confessions
For racial slurs cast in the past.

For Security, Flynn is adviser
With McFarland as dep.  (Dems despise 'er)
White House Counsel's McGahn
All are Irish; Trump Man
Must think there's no ethnicity wiser.

Trump had already tapped retired Army Gen. Michael Flynn as his national security adviser.  Friday he chose Fox News analyst Kathleen "KT" McFarland to serve as Flynn's deputy, and campaign attorney Donald McGahn as White House counsel.

OP373-375. Thanksgiving Aftermath

Forgive me Lord, though I have sinned
For I ate too much, then I broke wind
And if that makes you cranky
Just spank me, don't thank me
Though under my blanky, I grinned!

This feast gave me physical power
As I hiccupped and burped for an hour
Then suddenly - vomit!
Shot out like a comet
I dropped the F-bomb, it was dour.

You can dress me, but can't take me out
I'll embarrass you badly, no doubt
I would stay home if only
You weren't so lonely
So go ahead, phone me, don't pout!

2307. Imagine the corona* created

While smoking his trademark cheroot
Clint Eastwood decided to poot
With his cee-gar, he lit it
But hates to admit it
Singed all the hair 'round his patoot.
* A style of cigar

2306. Thanksgiving advice

You can whip up some gravy that's murky
And can dress Friday's sandwich with Durkee™
But what e'er else you do
Please make certain that you
Serve mashed 'taters and dressing and turkey.

In 2013, our local newspaper asked readers to submit T'giving traditions.  I sent the following, which was published and received many kudos:

Thanksgiving Instructions for the Cook

 1.    It’s ‘dressing’, not ‘stuffing.’  You remove the giblets from the bird.  You don’t "stuff" anything back inside to replace them. 

  

 2.    In Oklahoma, dressing is made with cornbread, not oysters.  It's baked in a large Pyrex dish (or three or four) and I want to taste the sage.

 3.    Make plenty of giblet gravy.

 4.    Put mushroom soup and french fried onions atop the green beans if you must, but the beans have to be limp.  Who is Al Dente, anyway?

  

 5.   Ideally, you roast a turkey.  You don’t smoke it, deep-fry it, or buy only a breast to cook.  Some of us prefer dark meat.

  

 6.    Make plenty of giblet gravy.

  

 7.    Serve sweet potatoes if you want, but they’re no good with gravy so why would anyone eat them?

  

 8.    Don’t try some cutesy cranberry salad recipe.  Just serve that gelatinous ‘cylinder of sauce’ right out of the Ocean Spray can (sliced, of course.)  It’s only on the table for the color, anyway and besides, one bite of cranberry anything means one less bite of mashed potatoes and gravy.

  

 9.  Ambrosia, yes.  Waldorf salad, no.

10.  You make mashed potatoes with only 3 additives – milk, butter, and salt – and you make triple the amount you think will be needed.

11.  Make plenty of giblet gravy.

12.  At a minimum, two desserts - - - pumpkin and pecan pie.

OP364-372. Happy Thanksgobbling!

On Thanksgiving, our family had goose
Chewing that, made our teeth kinda loose
Our dinner, I heard
Doesn't have to be bird
I'd a-settled for nice cuts of moose!

Another Thanksgiving saw duck
But its feathers I first had to pluck
But before I could sup
The guests ate it all up
Was I pissed off? Oh yup! Wtf!

There was one time when we just had chicken
The turkeys sold out for the pickin'
I'm too tardy, alas!
(I'm still kicking my ass)
Still was good, not too crass, finger lickin'.

Then one year, we tried out some pheasant
It was gamey, but still rather pleasant
Rich and dark, and what's more
Almost fat-free (a score!)
It's not just merely made for a peasant.

So the next year, we feasted on quail
Three per person and served up with ale
Cutting head, foot and feather
Of twelve, altogether
Takes bloody forever! Bewail!

Last year's pigeon was bad (not my fault!)
Should have added a whole lot of salt
After one bite, I spat
Think I'd rather eat cat
My opinion of that - Oy gevalt!

Now finally we're having some turkey!
At my friend's, who is perky and quirky
I've had more than enough
Of that jaw-breaking stuff
'Cause the texture was tough as beef jerky

That's it! I'm so fed up, I am!
For poultry, I don't give a damn!
I don't want any bird
It's a four-letter word!
Have you people not heard of a ham?!

And a final note...

I should not have just talked about food
Focussed only on that, I'm so rude!
So it's one of those times
To thank Phil for his rhymes
And be ringing the chimes for this dude!

2305. Another challenge met

An e-friend suggested I rhyme 'persnickety'...
My hot rod's a little bit rickety,
Still, I drive at the speed they call lickety-
Split.  Hang on tight
Or you'll die of a fright,
Those who ride with me can't be persnickety.

PD279-282. Barely Bawdy

There once was a man named O'Malley
Who was having a lassie named Sally
The first words she spoke
As he gave her a poke
Were, "Mister, you're right up my alley!"

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

There once was a randy Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
And the girl of his choice
Could hardly rejoice
At his horrible lack of precision.

There was a young cad name of Snyder
Who took out a girl just to ride her.
She allowed him to feel
From her neck to her heel,
But never would let him inside her.

2304. For starters

We've elected a prez who's a twit
And many don't like it one bit
With Chief of Staff Priebus
Plus Bannon, so griebous,
It's like dental work -- Reince and spit.

2303. Old joke, re-spun

Donald, crazy clear through to his gut,
Glued a frog to the top of his nut.
A doc asked, "May I help?"
The frog said with a yelp,
"Can you get this wart offa my butt?"

2302. More like a mommy-sitter

Though hired as a simple au pair
The femme had a sordid affair
With her female employer;
The dad was a voyeur
He'd watch and jack off from the stair.

2301. Eire for an ire

Trump's strategist guy is Steve Bannon
Way far-right and a really loose cannon
He is ready to start,
I wish he would depart
For his homeland and drown in the Shannon.
Bannon was raised Irish-Catholic.  Anyone know when his ancestors immigrated here?

2300. Timing is everything

Guys, I bet this has happened to you:
You are having a leisurely screw
But you know you won't last
'Til she comes; you go fast
And your dick falls out, making her blue.

PD278. This Saturday

International Men's Day's in Fall
On November 19th have a ball!
Drink, fart, show misogyny,
Cuss both spouse and progeny
Why make the day special at all?

2299. A monumental limerick

In a crevice he started his drilling
Found the jack-hammer action fulfilling
He got off his rocks
Now, think outside the box,
Gutzon Borglum's Mount Rushmore is thrilling!

2298. Send in the Clowns

Though Trump now seems somewhat less gruff*
The transition will likely be rough
Nobody seems misty
That he dumped Chris Christie
But V.P. Mike Pence?  He's all fluff.

* In a 60 Minutes interview last night with Leslie Stahl, The Donald avoided bombast and actually said a few conciliatory things.  He was surprisingly low-key.  Some of his statements even sounded borderline intelligent -- accent on "borderline."

2294-2297. Call me old school

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

2293. It used to be a thrill

College football is such a great sport
Though I give it way too much import
Who cares if my heroes
Are all-stars or zeroes
As over the field they cavort?
Wife and I will get up 4 hours from now and drive 125 miles in heavy traffic to Norman to join 86,000 other fans to see our alma mater, Oklahoma University, play Baylor.  We will pay $25 to park half a mile from the stadium, sit in seats designed to hold people who weigh under 120 pounds, buy cokes and hot dogs for $5 each, and spend half the game on our feet because people in lower rows feel compelled to stand.  And it's on TV... 

2292. The war to end all wars...

This once was called "Armistice Day"
But all World War I vets passed away
To that home in the sky;
Seventeen mil did die
And "In Flanders Fields" many did stay.

Such a lovely poem.  I memorized it in 7th grade but don't recall being taught that the author was Canadian.  Do you suppose it was the inspiration for Pete Seeger's, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?"

PD273-277. Smile, they're vile and penile

A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.

There was an old fellow named Fletcher,
A lewd and perverted old lecher.
    In a spirit of meanness
    He cut off his penis,
And now he regrets it, I betcha.

There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
    Believe it or not,
    When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.

There is a young fellow from Leeds
Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds
    Whenever erect,
    This dermal defect
Often scares him from sowing his seeds.

My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted with boobs in brassieres;
But, in charming my cobra,
The bosom with no bra
Can almost reduce it to tears.

2291. At least it's over

Yesterday, I went out and I voted
The lines to cast ballots were bloated
Did I choose 'prick' or 'bitch'?
Sorry, won't tell you which,
Still amazed that on either folks doted.

2290. Maybe Jaune Valjaune?

I hear there are lovely forsythia
In that make-believe land, Terabithia.
If you like blooms of yellow
Then find you a fellow
And see if he'd like to go withia.

2289. Small talk

At a party, a guy bet a dollar
I could not find a woman and ball 'er
Took one upstairs with pride,
Showed my dick, she replied,
"That looks like a penis... but smaller."

2288. I shoulder not done it

I guess I forwent proper etiquette
When I grabbed the beat cop by his epaulet
He wrote me a ticket,
I told him to stick it
And followed that up with an epithet.
I broke a poetry rule above.  Can you spot it?

2287. Deathless dialogue

It's fun to write five lines of verse
One needs to be funny, yet terse
I wish all of mine
Could be thought of as fine
But I fear not that many are cherce.
That final word was spoken in the 1952 Tracy-Hepburn movie, "Pat and Mike."  Spencer's character said of Kathryn's, "Not much meat on her, but what's there is cherce."

2286. How NOT to get laid.

My wife can, at times, be the ragginest
Which could be 'cause I'm her antagonist
Like, for instance, today
In the midst of foreplay,
I told her, "Your tits are the sagginest."

2285. No hari kari

For decades, bad drubs, many flubs,
Lousy starters and even worse subs
This year things did vary,
Wish Ernie and Harry
Could see their World Champion Cubs!
Ernie Banks was easily their best player of all time.  He died in Jan. 2015.  Harry Caray was their zany broadcaster from 1982 thru 1997, dying in Feb. 1998.

2284. Sack lunch

A girl whom I liked a whole bunch
Once decided she'd have me for lunch
Her wonderful hum job
Produced a great cum job
I'm glad my balls she didn't munch.

2283. Whose drought will end?

World Series is down to the nubbies
U.S. wives might as well have no hubbies
Games once stood 3 to 1
Now we're tied, ain't it fun?
I am putting my hopes on The Cubbies.
Cleveland hasn't won the WS since 1948, Chicago not since 1908!!

2282. Nobody does it better

The talented Alex Trebek
Is from Sudbury* (not in Quebec)
Somewhat like a good shepherd, he
Hosts the show, "Jeopardy",
Love when games run neck-and-neck.
  * It's in Ontario, 400 km north of Toronto

OP363. Say, (What the) Hey, Kid?

This one's from my brother, OkieJokey, who asked me to post it as he couldn't get it up...

At my door, clad in baseball 'road grays,'
‘Pon a Hallowe'en teen I did gaze.
     Ear of corn caught my eye
     Sticking out of his fly
Had this name on his back: Willy Maize.

Hall of Fame center fielder Willie Mays is nicknamed “The Say Hey Kid.”

2281. Nice rack

Once again, an old joke reduced to 5 lines:
During lunch with some guys at the deli
In came Susan, whose tits bounce like jelly
I can't recall who said,
"That Sue sure likes Moosehead.
The proof?  Antler marks on her belly."

2280. Pick your poison

'Til election, a short time remains
Aren't you sick of the same old refrains?
Trump: "Election she'll rig!"
Clinton: "Donald's a pig!"
Let's just hope that the winner re-brains.

OP361-362. The best costume

At my costume, the town stared, agape
Of a man likely guilty of rape
I am rich and I'm whiny
My hands, they are tiny
My hair looks like that of an ape.

And my face wears a permanent grump
For my dick is, quite simply, a stump
So I'm woefully wussy
I grab by the pussy
I'm going as Donald J. Trump.

2279. Evangelism can widen the schism

Ecumenical meeting, St. Louis:
Chatted up an attendee, a Jewess.
Told her, "Time you should try a
Switch to the Messiah."
She slapped me!  How come Jews eschew us?"

2277-2278. Responding to thrown gauntlets

I emailed #2274 to several people who don't read my blog.  One challenged me to write a limerick on conductor Wilhelm Furtwängler (accent on Furt):

That podium maestro named Furtwängler,
Had two 'sticks' but one was a curt dangler
Couldn't get a hard on
In his lower baton
He'd just squeeze women's tits like a shirt mangler.

The other writer, recalling the American leader in Hogan's Heroes, said, "The world cries out for a Bob Crane 'Colonel Hogan' limerick, citing his …ahem…. private proclivities."  That sent me googling for forgotten details on Crane's death and resulted in this one:

John H. Carpenter couldn't refrain
From joining trysts done with Bob Crane
They would film filthy flicks
With girls sucking their dicks
But when Bob dumped him, John whacked Crane's brain.

2276. If she won't give it up, poker

A friend challenged me to rhyme up 'Ajax.'   I sent him this one with the note, "When you Telamon to do something or otherwise Hector him, this is what you get."

At those game shows with Careys or Sajaks
The last-three-rows' viewers are "way-backs"
They could get better seats
By applying bad beats
But they'd need to have muscles like Ajax.
(My title's card-game reference is in L4.)

2275. Cleanup batter

A fellatrix named Linda O'Doul
Excels at caressing your tool
As she gives a great blow
Her tongue moves to and fro
When you're done, even swallows your gruel!

2274. The Otto pilot

The famous conductor named Klemperer
To some, perhaps, seemed like an emperor
But his tempi (so slow)
Needed get-up-and-go
And made many a list'ner a whimperer.

Otto's son, Werner, was an actor and played the Kommandant on Hogan's Heroes.  Thought you might enjoy that colonel of knowledge -- it's such a Klinky-dink.

2273. From lad to verse

In my youth, I was known for virility
But a more apt term now is 'senility'
Unlike earlier times
Now just write puns and rhymes;
My wife thinks it shows imbecility.

2272. Easy oath to keep

I belong to a rather large clique
It includes anyone with a dique
Who will vow that, "Each day
With my johnson I'll play,
Jacking off even when I am sique."

PD271-272. Two statuesque women

There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the purely fastidious.

2271. Thrust and Perry*

While plowing the trench of a rich bitch
I drilled with the speed of a DitchWitch™ 
Before I went slack
I threw out my back
But cannot remember from which twitch.
*Perry, Oklahoma is HQ for the company.

2270. Wednesday Frenzy

Both candidates came off as glib
(Although much which each said was a fib).
While I'm a conservative
Trump isn't deservative
I can't stand the cut of his jib.

PD266-270. Juicy Lucy

Found at a Brit site. Who knew nasty 'net nymphs were literate?
When your luscious delicious cock's showing
And stiffening, throbbing and growing
I get horny as hell
And my lips down there swell
With my juices damn well overflowing.

If you thrust with the passion of Zeus
You can squirt my whole face with your juice
If you want, I could suck
But if you wanna fuck
Ride me hard till I buck like a moose!

When a guy is a perverted prick
And his mind is a little bit sick
It makes it much better
And makes me much wetter
When he's got (but ain't) a big dick.

There's a word - it's called squelchy; I love it!
It's the noise when you push it and shove it
Of that sound I am fond;
From your slimy slick wand
I get wetter beyond and above it!

Please help my vagina go lube
With your sexy cylindrical tube
Its head I'll be teasing
While me you're appeasing
By sucking and squeezing my boob.

OP360. I'll drink to that!

It's autumn, the midst of October
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her
The summer did end
And the cold's 'round the bend
So I don't recommend being sober.

2269. À la recherche du temps perdu

If you're like me, you know things "about" lots of famous books which you haven't actually read.  A few days ago I was conversing with an e-pal and she said something about Paris and madeleines.

I pleaded ignorance to the tie-in.  She wrote back to say they were prominent in "Remembrance of Things Past."  The light then came on as I'd at least heard about Marcel's fondness for them.  It resulted in this limerick which I dashed off and sent her:

I'd forgotten those sweets loved by Proust
My poor recall came home to roost
Truth be known, never read
Anything which he said
So I'm glad that my mem'ry you've goosed.

2268. This may make you hungary

Esterhazy, a young prince from Buda,
Laid a maid on a huge wheel of Gouda
The girl was from Pest
And when they were enmeshed
You have never seen anything lewda.

2267. A flock of schlock

On what are Anu's choices based?
He must read the lim'ricks in haste.
Prints lots which don't rhyme
With no concept of time
It is clear that he has little taste.

Follow this link, note the five words (in blue, top right) and then scroll nearly to the bottom of the page to see the limericks chosen for "air time" by the website's author. (Scroll too far and you'll have to read my puns.)

I am e-friends with Benko and Dvoretzky and receive all five of their limmies each Friday.  On a weekly basis, it amazes me how Zelda's get (mostly) left out.  Only hers on "confute" was chosen for last week while four of Benko's five made it.  Look at which of Zelda's were left out by Anu:

I was sort of betwixt and between
when it came to the proper propine.
        Though the service was bad
        I still tipped the poor lad -
just a scared, inexperienced teen.
                    or
I would never presume to malign
a sommelier's choices of wine,
        but my steak calls for red,
        he brings rose' instead.
That adversely affects the propine.

Said the chef with a sigh of despair,
"Can't create with my usual flair;
        herbs and spices all flocculate,
        'gainst damp can't innoculate!
It also plays hob with my hair."

Don't just do what the other guy said.
Please decide with your own brain instead.
        We must strive to evolve
        because life won't absolve
us from just going where we are led.

It's not enough just to berate,
or more seriously objurgate.
        For fanatics, debate
        can't diminish their hate.
Adversaries they must extirpate.

As you'll note by reading all Mr. Garg's selections, some from other writers are beyond belief in badness and NEVER should have seen the light of day when the above were available.

2266. Third biggest lie*

Guess you realize men find it thrilling
To engage in the old tonsil drilling
Please don't ask us to stop
Before we've reached the top
(You will know when that comes, seed starts spilling.)

* The 3 biggest lies in the world are
      I love you,
      The check is in the mail, and
      I promise not to come in your mouth.

2265. The Assange Phalange*

Computer guys aren't always geeks
(Though you'd think so when one of them speaks)
But it's a fact, Jack,
That some know how to hack
And one place they cause flak?  WikiLeaks.
* An alternate spelling of phalanx.

2264. Gross grabber

The Donald has been looking dour
Once 'neck-and-neck,' he's lost allure
By having effrontery
To grab at gals' cuntery
This beast has defined "wild boor."

PD260-265. Six sexy sluts

A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked cunt was all callus
Wore the foreskin away
On uncircumcised Ray
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.

There once was a lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin losing air.

A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude
So she always went home with damp pants.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail
But the jailer got hot
To be lodged in her twat
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.

2263. Not up in the polls, either

Herr Donald has much narcissism*
'Tho to him it must seem realism
While he claims he is "YUGE!"
He is really a noodge
And, Viagra-less, lacks priapism.
* One of the AWADs last week

OP359. October surprise

It's Thanksgiving and you're looking perky
Make sure that you cook that big turkey
But you're out of luck
If you're not a Canuck
Till November, you're stuck! Ain't it quirky? 
Ed. note:  Click here to read all about it!

2262. Insolent incestuous idiot

Trump's daughter, the lovely Ivanka,
Is reserved, unlike poppa (that pronker)
When Stern said it so crass
Don agreed, "piece of ass."
Dad, the cad, should be banned to Sri Lanka.
Reported HERE (among other places.)

2261. Rosy Palms to the rescue

When your dick has reached total ascendance
But there isn't a girl in attendance
You can sit in the sand
And do it by hand
Thus insuring you'll spawn no descendants.

2260. Wet and wild warnings

If you stayed during Hurricane Matthew
Didn't leave, just stayed right in its path you
Are stubborn or deaf
Everybody else lef'
Makes me wonder, "What sort of brain hath you?"

OP357-358. Pick your poison

As Lewis Black said, it's a choice between two bowls of shit.  The only difference is the smell.

So if the US elects Hillary
There's plenty to pick from to pillory
Lots of money she'll spend
There's not much she'll amend
And I'll have to attend a distillery.

But if the US elects Trump
(A man with his head up his rump)
And gives him that power
Atop a tall tower
I'll sob for an hour, then jump.

2259. Shh. Why? Hmm.

At the top of this list you'll find 'A'
Each one of the five comes in play
If you don't know these vowels
Ought to clear brain and bowels
Until U can repeat them each day.

2258. Socially and physically stunted

There once was a rascal from Riga
Who loved playing games on his Sega
Didn't care much for gals
Avatars were his pals
Couldn't fuck anyway, dick too miga.

2257. Expert Marxmen

Alphabetically, Chico comes first
Harpo's muteness was fully-rehearsed
Groucho used lots of shticks
Gummo never made flicks
As a funny man, Zeppo was worst.

2256. Pesce problem

Once I've finished and withdrawn my dong
It can seem like I've done something wrong
Though no license for fishin'
I've fulfilled my wish 'n'
The odor of tuna is strong.

OP356. Sense and sensibility

I may as well try my hand at one of these lists.

I tell you, for all who will hear
The sight of that girl, I revere
And I treasure her touch
But to taste her? Too much
For her smell has me running in fear.

2255. Torah, Torah, Torah!

The opening book is called Genesis
On its heels you'll encounter the Exodus
Read Leviticus' laws
And then Numbers gives pause
Hark to wise Deuteronomy's second fuss.
(Deuteronomy means "second law" and recapitulates much of books 2 & 3.)

I sent that one to my 85-yr-old Jewish friend, Zelda.  She replied,
An acrostic that's based on the Pentateuch
Might make one return for another look.
        But it's so full of "Don't!"
        That maybe I won't.
I might find more joy in another book.

2254. More facts in five

The best borough of all is Manhattan
In The Bronx you'll find lots of folks Latin
Brooklyn's real name is "Kings"
Queens has airports and things
Then there's Richmond, the island called Staten.

2253. No Sweetheart of the Rodeo

There once was a cowgirl named Yount 
Whom the cowboys would all try to mount
But when she'd toss and twitch
Not one son of a bitch
Could stay on for an eight-second count.

Do you know what 'rodeo sex' is?  That's when you're screwing your wife doggy-style, you reach 'round her waist and clasp your hands, and whisper in her ear, "Your sister really likes it this way."  Then you try to hang on for eight seconds.

OP355. Egg-dropped soup

I took home a girl to disrobe her
But before I decided to probe her
I positioned my head
Near her cunt, where it bled
On the hunt for the red, in October.

The title is from this song.  Let me warn you, it, and really all his other work, is very NSFW.

2252. HOMES, sweet home

Back to featuring five related things as I did in #2216.
Huron features a stream at each mouth
Three states cluster at Michigan's south
Sure it's large, it's Superior
(Though Erie is drearier)
Ontario hopes there's no drouth.

Once on a road trip (drinking involved) someone asked, "What word can be made from the initials of the Great Lakes?"  I said, "Moshe?"  (I've been Dayan to tell you that.)

2251. Pronunciation lesson

As he slipped his dick into her niche
He'd a sharp, sudden craving for quiche.
Withdrew and got dressed,
Headed out for a rest-
aurant; She yelled, "You son of a biche!"
Please don't be guilty of saying "nitch."

2250. Flatulent fluff

What a small, harmless word it is -- "poot"
Four letters, but isn't it cute?
Just call 'em that verbum
And you'll need not curb 'em,
If odorless, who'll give a hoot?

2249. Calmness 1, Megalomania 0

The press called last night's debate, "Major"
I don't think there's much doubt who seemed sager
Clinton proved she has graces
Trump yelled and made faces
Interrupted, but couldn't enrage 'er.

2248. When's he gonorrhealize?

A fellow was looking morose
Felt laconic instead of verbose
For his pecker dripped pus
And his shorts were a muss;
Didn't know he'd contracted a dose.

2247. Le Roi Est Mort

Arnold Palmer made people's hearts sing
Today his soul went on the wing
So humble, so gracious
He tried shots audacious
In all ways he earned the name, "King."

2246. I wouldn't wish ya alopecia

A bald-headed fellow named Nate
Was not at all fond of his fate
He tried using Rogaine™
But still noticed no gain
Of hair on his cue-ball-like pate.

2245. Witch is worse?

A kinky young lady, a Wiccan,
Does things which might cause you to sicken
Before sex and durin'
She swallows your urine
And then gives your asshole a lickin'.

2244. Keeping it fictional

An author (a gal, quite a looker)
Was hoping to win a Man Booker.*
She'd no predilection
For any erection
So never had let a man fook 'er.

* The most prestigious literary prize for fiction.

2243. How's a guy to know?

Today is the first day of Autumn
My wife wanted mums, so I sought em.
I brought home a corsage
As a lovely homage
She: "I can't plant these!  How come you bought 'em?!"

OP353-354. Bowflex no-flex

Another contest entry, though while it's eligible for the main prize it also qualifies for the side contest, about exercise.

Every week, a new training routine
On a fancy newfangled machine
And a bloke for a witness
Who spoke for its fitness
To make me all muscled and lean

But it never gets used, to my shame
Overfed and abused is my frame
As a matter of patness*
I'm an adder of fatness
So don't get enthused, I'm the same.

*timely convenience.

2242. The genesis of 'pussy whipped'

When Eve arrived onsite in Eden
She soon reduced Adam to pleadin',
"Let me get 'tween your legs,"
But she shunned all his begs
By withholding that which he was needin.'

OP346-352. I have a bone to pick, no bones about it

The following words contained within this multi-stanza limerick DO reflect the opinions, beliefs and past experiences of its author (and has been that way for years; take it or leave it!)

I know this may sound kinda mean
But I can't stand a guy who's too lean
When we hug, I'm just wrangling
A torso that's dangling
And feel like I'm strangling his bean.

When I stand side by side (what a scene!)
With my li'l anorexic machine
Even though I am slim
I look fatter than him
So you'll never see photos onscreen.

Making love is a stressful routine
With the sheets, he gets lost in between
He just seems so damn frail
When his arms start to flail
And he calls me his mean wolverine.

These skinny guys must have a gene
That makes them uptight, a bit mean
They can't seem to relax
They should eat some more snacks
And cut down on their daily caffeine.

Scrap that bean pole, that stick figurine
For a guy with a shoe size eighteen
A teddy bear clone
Who's got meat on each bone
Who won't fall when against him I lean.

He'll protect me and he'll intervene
If a thug comes along unforeseen
Then my sweet honeycomb
Will just carry me home
Where my king will treat me like his queen.

As for extracurricular fun
He'd be better than most anyone
Just a-hugging and squeezing
And tugging and teasing
Till plugging and pleasing is done!

2241. An undeserved plug

A man up in cold Saskatoon
Did more than drink in a saloon
He'd fill up his jaw
With a large Red Man™ chaw
And expectorate in a spittoon.

PD257-259. A package of sacrilege

A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
Lascivious beasts
(Oh, those Anglican priests)
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

A responsive young girl from the East
In bed was an able artiste
She had learned two positions
From family physicians,
And ten from the old parish priest.

An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
By seventeen sailors
A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.

OP345. F you

My friend, if you've found any fame
You're a fool if you fuck an old flame
If she fails in her flow
She's a frustrating foe
For you'll find you're the fellow she'll frame.

The last word is the contest word this week.

2240. Shawnee suburb

A retiree who lives in Tecumseh
On the golf course becomes very grumpsie
With swing that is gnarly
Shots land in the barley
And that leaves him down in the dumps, see?

2239. Marooned on the plains

An effeminate fellow named Jerry 
Was the only cocksucker in Perry
As quick as he could
He moved out of the 'hood, 
Couldn't get any dates on its prairie.
Perry, Oklahoma's high school athletic teams are The Maroons.

2238. Not always a stand-up candidate

'Though her doc says Ms. Clinton is fit
Repubs don't believe it one bit
Saying, "We don't deserve her
'Cause her email server
Was used to send stuff illegit."

2237. She growed 'er an odor

A French whore, incredibly louche,
Decided no longer to douche
Her pussy soon stank
And the smell grew so rank
That most johns would fuck only her bouche.
Yikes!  On 11/2/2016 I discovered that this is a near duplicate of #2000!  C'mon, readers -- help this old man when he starts repeating himself!

2236. The Prissy Prolix Pioneer Woman

There's a Food Network^© gal named Ree Drummond
I could slap my wife when the show's summoned
Ree repeats "now" and "just"
'Til I think I must bust
After five minutes, my brain's be-numbened.

2233-2235. Try this trio

A skinny pole dancer from Stigler
Learned quickly that men want a wiggler
She obtained a boob job
Grew her butt like a blob
Now mere gusts of wind make her a jiggler.

I went to a doctor in Bristow
Asked, "What can you give me for this toe?"
He said, "What you have
Will respond to this salve
Which is made from our state flower, mis'toe."

At an Indian smoke shop in Woodward
I needed to drop off a good turd
Checked for paper, told clerk,
"I need TP, you jerk,"
He said, "Tent?"  Guess he misunderstood word.

2232. Surely I chest

I love knockers, both covered and bare
Whenever I see 'em, I stare
Though most women have two
My ogling's not through
And won't be 'til I've seen every pair.
I call being caught looking, "The glare of the headlights."

2230-2231. Oklahomans talk funny

There's a town way northeast in our state
Getting mispronounced is its sad fate
Don't end it with "mee"
Say "muh" and you'll see
That with folks in Miami, you'll rate.

To Czechs, something seems rather vague
Have we Okies all suffered from plague?
Why's our pronunciation
Of their major station
Not come out as "Prahg," but as "Prayg?"

2229. Lon gets lucky

A loquacious Limey named Lon
Eloped with a lass from Ceylon
He laid her to lick 'er
By lulling with liquor
Quite looped, she got left on that lawn.

2226-2228. Places I've been

In January, 2015 I wrote Nrs. 1586-1598 about Oklahoma towns.  It's time for more...

A creationist down in Durant
Cannot be convinced to recant
He's dumb as a door knob
And does a real poor job
Of stating his case with a rant.

Oklahoma's small town known as Hugo
Loves tourists but only a few go
It spawned B.J. Thomas
That's true, and I promise
Its hist'ry will please you if you go.

If your car should break down while in Cushing
And the shop guy says, "You need a bushing,"
Better get it replaced
Or you'll be real red-faced
From advancing your auto by pushing.

2225. Courting the finest

US Open is well underway
Oh, what fantastic tennis they play!
Folks have been given thrills
Since 'twas named "Forest Hills"
Back when amateurs played for no pay.

Although called "Open," tennis professionals were not allowed until 1968.  At that time, the tournament was played on the grass courts of The West Side Tennis Club in Forest Hills, Queens.  Ten years later, the tournament moved to the hard courts of the newly-built National Tennis Center in Flushing Meadows, Queens -- site of both the 1939 and 1964 World's Fairs.

2224. An epic glottis

I took out a spinster named Kate
She asked, "Will this be our lone date?"
I replied, "Well, a lot'll
Depend on your glottal
Abilities."  She took the bait.

2223. L of a start

A loquacious Limey named Lon
To an African country has gone
The natives there yearn
For more English to learn
So they say to Lon, "C'mon, Gabon."

2222. Better when spoken*

There once was a woman from Worcester
Who had an affair with a rooster
Imagine her shock
When the tale of that cock
Became published by Simon and Schuster!
*Since the listener would hear "tail."

2221. What the Eff?

Oklahoma had a 5.6 temblor yesterday, felt in six states.  Environmentalists continue to blame fracking as the cause.  Most geologists blame wastewater injection as the culprit.

That fairy should furl up his flag
Knocking fossil fuels folks can defrag
He fears too much flack
If a fault we should frack
Let the fool hug a fir, the damned fag!

2220. Tough and tricky task

Dave, Suz, and Phil did something neat
Did you notice the cons'nant repeat?
For each syllable stressed
The same letter's caressed
Which is kind of a difficult feat.

Suzanne wondered in an email if any of us could write a limerick in which every word began with the same letter!  David felt it would be hard enough just having the stressed syllables follow that pattern, so he started things with OP342.  I responded with 2217 and 2218 and now Suzanne has posted OP344.

David was correct -- it IS hard enough!

OP344. A Doggerel of D's

A drunk druggie drummer named Dwayne
Rather disliked his dimwit Great Dane
What the dog (like a druid)
Would damn well dare do - did
His dense dick drilled down a deep drain.

2219. Grecian excretion

An emcee who also is queer,
When off stage, loves his dick up your rear
The guy's macrophallic,
So hard, feels metallic
That bugger is beyond compère!

PD254-256. OEDILF selections

If you don't know what it is, google it.  However, you must promise to eventually return to my site!  These three were listed (with attribution) at another website.  I've underlined the entries.
 
Though Jewish, I envy your Easter;
On Cadbury Eggs I’m a feaster.
They’re chocolate and smooth,
And my mood they will soothe.
(But they’ll add too much weight to my keister!)

A stunt aviatrix (girl flier)
Came down in a swamp deep and dire.
She was lunch for a croc,
But the studio’s doc
Called it “death from consumption” (the liar).

You suffer from avascularity?
No offense, but I doubt your sincerity.
With no vessels for blood
Your whole body’s a dud,
And you won’t pass your genes to posterity.

2218. A cacophony of C's and STD's

A callous and careless Redcap
Had chlamydia, chanchroid, and clap
They were caught near the cape
Now his coffin's in crepe
But those call girls don't care, not a crap.

OP343. Unlucky Numbers

Isn't that just great? The past 3 limericks posted involve trauma of one kind or another. Why don't I just join in the fray? Being a true story makes the following more painful...

My mum played the lottery once
One week later she felt like a dunce
She'd a-won on that day
But she didn't replay
Those six numbers (she still groans and grunts!)

2217. B-B-Bilabials

A beastly old bishop named Blair
Was buggering boys while stripped bare
As he bent o'er their britches
He briskly said, "Bitches,
Your butts will soon bleed; I'm a bear!"

Dave Reddekopp started this (q.v. in OP342 below) using 's.'

OP342. Scent of a Woman

I swiftly was swayed by her spell
She said oral sex would be swell
As I started to sit
To slurp on her slit
I soon was made sick from the smell.

2216. The first five to survive

Annette was the first to be sent,
Émilie popped out next from mom's vent
Third, Yvonne came along
Then Cécile (still no dong?!)
While Marie was the last Dionne quint.
In May, 1934 the five identical sisters were born in Ontario, Canada.  1 & 4 are still  living.

OP341. Don't fucking bleep me!

Politely writ would've been worse
Though, rightly, it should've, in verse
Degrading pretense or
Evading the censor
So nightly - shit! Could've, in curse!

See if you can spot what I did here.  I've been wanting to write one in this format for a LONG time.  Hope I did it justice.

2214-2215. A spurious, spiteful spirit

If your tavern I should wander in
The next time I go out for a spin,
You may bring an auslese
Or ice-cold cerveza
But, please, not one drop of your gin.

Yes, I'm telling you this, lim'rick reader,
That regardless which one is the leader,
Gordon's, Booth, Tanqueray
Or Sapphire from Bombay
I'd as soon suck some sap from a cedar.

2213. Shooting (and) craps

An anal old Israeli colonel
Was regular, took dumps diurnal
In manner quotidian 
While serving in Midian
He even kept track in his journal.

PD251-253. The Religious Wrong

There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the source
Of divine intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker
He yelled, "My God!  What
Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"

There once was a monk from Tibet
Who said to a woman he met,
"You may find this odd
But I'm One with God
And HE wants to fondle your set!"

2211. Let's focus... twice.*

An artist, creating a tryptich,
Instead made it far too elliptic
With canvases curving
His paint brush kept swerving
Which yielded a work that was cryptic.
*An ellipse has two focal points (the foci.)

2210. Here's to "The Apple"

I'm writing about New York City
Its Chamber should like this short ditty
I find there a prevalence
Of 'nice,' not malevolence
If you've never been, more's the pity.

OP340. No more mate to fellate me

My ex-girlfriend was taken aback - 
Says it's sick if she'd suck on my sack
Though a sec with my sock
Would relieve my poor cock
I'm now left not a lass, but a lack.

2209. Eating at the Y

A gal from the 20's, a flapper,
Had a feller -- with tongue he would lap her
Sweet snatch (scented florally)
Yes, turned her on orally
No fish odor from her red snapper.

2208. Serves him right!

Four sponsors have dropped Ryan Lochte
Due to bathroom stall door which he rocked.  He
told lies which were whoppers,
Won't get to sway shoppers
By shilling for even a mock tee.

PD248-250. Three classics

The first may be my favorite to relate as I love to lean on the alliteration in L1&2.
There once was a faggot named Feeney
Who enjoyed putting gin on his weenie
Once (being uncouth)
He added vermouth
And slipped his friend Bruce a martini.

A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home in a purple pagoda
She festooned the walls
Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.

2207. Rectal dysfunction

A Mexican hooker named Lupe
Took offense if her johns got too snoopy
Up the ass one guy dinked her
She let go her sphincter
And sent him home goopy and poopy.

2206. 75¢ words

When I ape Little Lord Fauntleroy
My intent's to bring unalloyed joy.
Using terms recondite
I attempt to delight
Those who've risen above hoi polloi.
The use of uncommon words herein is part of the reason this blog isn't read more widely.  However, I refuse to "dumb it down" (though that may sporadically and unintentionally occur.)  Thanks to my other posters for keeping the bar raised.

2205. Angler anger

A fisherman wrote to deride
His outfitter's choice of a guide:
"He found not one bass hole,
The guy was an asshole
Who came along just for the ride."

2204. I've gut to see a doctor

I'm suffering with problems gastric
My stomach feels hard, inelastic
Could it be a lizard
Has lounged in my gizzard?
Whatever, the pain is fantastic.
Not true.  Just 'heard' the rhymes from 2203's title.

2203. The fantastic spastic

There once was a lad with great pluck
He'd stay after a girl 'til she'd fuck
It became well-known fact
That when doing the act
The guy's body control ran amok.

2202. Too many irons in the fire, no doubt

Welcome back to the fold, Mr. Blanks
I feared you were gone from the ranks
Did some poems I blogged
Make you feel somewhat flogged?
Well, whatever, you're back.  I say, "Thanks!"
Bob Blanks and I went to high school together.  He is very bright, with eclectic tastes in many fields.  Until today, my StatCounter hadn't recorded a visit from him for more than two months.

2201. "..., crawfish pie and filé gumbo"

I went from Freeport to Lucaya
To try a cafe by the playa
Though not a food wonk
Learned I didn't like conch
I would rather have had jambalaya.
Actually, I've had fried conch and conch chowder and liked both!
My title is a line from the song.

2200. What a drip

When I pee, I am tired of endurin'
The burn;  I'm in need of a curin'
That whore's slimy trap
Last week gave me the clap --
I know, 'cause there's pus in my urine.
From the voice of experience (but almost 50 years ago.)

2199. No breathing room

I was wondering if I'd ever seen a limerick with zero end-of-line pauses.  None came to mind, so I wrote one.

Oh, there once was a man from the north part of Maine
Who got gored by a moose and wound up in much pain
He spent two weeks in bed
Wishing he could be dead
And then when he got out, well, that moose, it got slain.

While it scans, is it too “busy” with its full pulse scheme of 12-12-6-6-12?

2198. Looked like #20 to me

The new flick with the great Meryl Streep
Has a plot that's all fun, not too deep
Last night, spent two Lincolns
On "Flor Foster Jenkins"
And never was tempted to sleep.
Streep has had 19 Oscar nominations, with 3 wins.

2197. I've heard some old folks still do it

When I try to arouse her, hear "Don't"
Not sure why my wife needs her 'cont'
Fuck positions ne'er vary
Just strict missionary
May be sixty-nine, but she won't.

2195-2196. The preposterous posturer

In June, the Repubs were much prouder
It looked like The Donald might crowd her
Would it be presumptuous
To pray, "Don't send Trump to us"?
There's no one who bloviates louder.

Calls for violence sure sour my palate
The Trump thinks he'll judge with a mallet
His words orotund
Cry out for a fund
Which would get him removed from the ballot.

2194. I should burro my head in shame

Another favorite "what do you get if you cross..." joke.
Crossed Jif™ with a donkey down south
Will result be an offspring or drouth?
An eared sandwich?  How crass!
Or a fine piece of ass
That will stick to the roof of my mouth?
If that's too confusing, the joke goes...
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with a PB sandwich?
A: You either get a PB sandwich with long ears, or a piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth. 

2193. Thing's are going swimmingly

I love when they race in the pool
The camera work is so cool
As the swimmers 'crawl' by
Or use back, breast, or fly
It can make for a wonderful duel.

2192. Toodle-oo, Mr. Tootler

Pete Fountain succumbed on 8/6
A giant, like Louis and Bix
Man, oh man could he play!
Drank the best chardonnay
Go to youtube™ to hear some great licks.

OP339. Hope the title adz something

A king once believed it was good
To lay all the ladies he could
Inside of his palace
But even Cialis
Could not help the shape of his wood.

2191. Anopheles, or do you want more?

Thank goodness (according to Tweeters)
In Rio there aren't many 'skeeters
Still, who'd want to seek a
Bite laced with some Zika?
We guys fear could alter our peters.
You might also enjoy #1259.

2190. Olympic encyclic

Bike riding's on TV from Rio
Not somewhere that I'd wish to be, oh
I've seen a few bobbles
As they ride o'er cobbles
Perhaps 'cause they go so con brio.

2189. This may fit you to A T (& T)

I remember a joke that was great
'Bout dissimilar things one might mate;
For a levity booster
Cross phone pole with rooster
As if they had gone on a date.

To see folks' reactions was fun
For they'd viewed Ma Bell's ad that had run
The offspring brought a shock,
'Twas a twenty foot cock
Which could reach out and (gasp!) touch someone!  (that's a link)

2188. Organic ordure to some

One French fellow's works may cause panic
Some are dissonant, birdlike, and manic
But when played on the keys
By an organist, please
Know that lots find his stuff Messiaenic.
Upon hearing works by Olivier Messiaen, detractors shout, "Jesus!" for a different reason.

2187. In response to a challenge

A friend watches TV's "The Bachelorette."  She called yesterday morning to see what I could do with these facts:
   Competition Winner Jordan Rodgers is the younger brother of Green Bay QB Aaron
   The brothers do not speak to one another
   The 'bachelorette' is someone from Dallas named JoJo.

There's bad blood between Brothers Rodgers
Though both are too young to be codgers
Bachelor Jordan won JoJo
But may join a dojo
Then fight Aaron (like Giants-Dodgers.)

2186. Or the couch, floor, back seat...

It's time for 5 lines limned in red
'Bout things that occur in a bed
Like stroking and fucking
While riding and bucking
And giving your partner some head.
Can that last word refer to cunnilingus, or only fellatio?

2185. Dejeuner dialogue

There once was a punster named Pawlik
Whose dinner-time jokes were a frolic

Offered bœuf bourgignon 

His reply brought a groan,
"I don't care for French food, too much Gallic."

PD240-247. The long and the short of it

There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose equipment was simply immense
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry it thither and thence.

A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish."

A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
"'He's the Scourge from the East,
 That lascivious beast
And is known as Attila the Hung!"

There was a young man from Berlin
Whose tool was the size of a pin
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his shaft,
"Well, this won't be much of a sin."

There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope---she did---
To see if he'd gotten it in.

There was a young Turkish cadet --
And this is the damnedest one yet --
His dick was so long
And incredibly strong
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

An unfortunate fellow named Hall
Confessed, "I have only one ball
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick
For the girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose dick was exceedingly nimble
But so fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
He kept it encased in a thimble.

2184. Did a homo phone?

A gay climber got his first peek
At Denali, Alaska's huge peak
But his effort to scale
Ended up "epic fail"
So he left in a bad fit of pique.

2183. Sledding onward

Hil's the nominee, Prez she may gain!
Husband Bill uttered, "I feel your pain."
Liz Warren got shafted
'Cause Ms. Clinton drafted
That Tim guy -- her Citizen Kaine.
If you've seen the movie, my title makes sense.

OP338. Just following orders

Based off of another joke I heard.  Songs are linked.

They played "Jump", and I jumped.  What a scene!
Then "The Twist", and I twisted.  It's been
Quite an evening, no doubt
But I then was thrown out
When the DJ played "Come on Eileen."

2182. Shoulda called it a morn

After spending the whole night a'shaggin'
A hooker's poor ass was a'draggin'
She solicited one more
But should have said, "Done," for
That cop called the damned paddy wagon.
So she never got the undercover under cover.

OP327-337. Happy Anniversary to the Show it Blow it Know it Poet

The following is a response to Phil's limericks below titled "Five years down, ?? to go"
So read that one first, will ya?

Congratulations are in order
Yes, from 'Technotard,' north of the border
You limerick fox
If lims came in a box
My whole place would look like I'm a hoarder.

It was nine months since our paths had crossed
On a site where the 'spill' word was tossed
Back and forth, in October
(I'm sure I was sober)
A bond of goodwill was not lost.

A click of the mouse on your name
Led me to a strange site which became
A curious place
Where I'd blush in the face
And my brain cells were all set aflame.

Some verses were shocking, worth scorning
At least, the red ink gave me warning
But your pun 'expertease'
Was a thing sure to please
What a way to begin every morning!

And then there's your sidekick named Dave
A prairie Canuck who's quite brave
His talent just soars
And blends so well with yours
I just read, as I rant and I rave.

Some readers - rejective, selective
Don't see from another perspective
For if they'd be aware it
Has artistic merit
They'd not be so blindly corrective.

Nothing worse than bein' stuck with a prude
To dampen and ruin the mood
But you're crazy, lighthearted
I know if I farted
You'd laugh and blame that on my food.

Was I worthy to join, more or less?
Wasn't sure if I failed to impress
When you didn't yet budge
Then a nice gentle nudge
From Dave swayed final judgment to 'Yes'!

My vocab'lary increase just forces
My IQ to grow (I've my sources)
And lo and behold
I got smarter, I'm told
They don't know I've 'enrolled' in your 'courses'!

When I thought that your content disgraced you
It gave me such joy to lambaste you
Shut you down? Never would!
As I soon understood
That no other nut could have replaced you.

If you keep up momentum and drive
Then your blog will just thrive, stay alive
So clever, so funny
Prolifically punny
Testost'rone - let spill
On your lim'rick zone, Phil
Happy milestone of year number five!

2174-2181. Five years down, ?? to go

I started my blog on this date
Didn't have all that much on my plate
Most lims found at Reddit™
Did not deserve credit
I hoped my new site would be great.

Began posting these lines in '11
Tried to int'rest my oldest child, Kevin,
In reading and vetting;
He thought I was getting
Too filthy as I tried to leaven

The spirits of folks who might read
Those printed in red, which could lead
To familial shame.
Have I brought the Graham name
To the depths?  Was I wrong not to heed?

Could be, but 2,000+ later
I'd like to think I've made 'Graham' greater
By bringing some joy
To each girl and each boy
Who laughs when I write like a satyr.

But, hey!  I post clean ones as well
They're in black print; that way you can tell
Those which will not offend ---
Ones you might even send
To your preacher and not go to hell.

Five long years, but I'd do it again
Hope my lines, red and black, made you grin
The puns that I've pasted
May seem like "time wasted"
(At least written with, not from pen!)

As today I commence some more years
And try to deserve readers' cheers
Don't feel nickeled and dimed,
Surely I've not yet rhymed
Every word that I've heard with my ears

I can't sing like Mario Lanza
I'm no X-dresser -- won't wear organza
But I hope you will say,
"That Phil has a way
With writing a limerick stanza."

2173. 69+ on I-70.

Two horny young gals and a male
Stopped and parked their car goin' to Vail
They had 'em a 3-way
Out there by the freeway
Which landed their asses in jail.

2172. Insect inside

My youngest, a very nice daughter,
Found a bug floating in her ice water
Her house was infested
And so she invested
In cans of Raid™ and a fly swatter.

OP323-326. David, save us some cake!

I like the icing; Phil will eat what's inside.

Happy birthday there, Dave, birthday boy!
You deserve something more than a toy
A girl jumps out your cake
With big boobs that ain't fake
Wearing just a smile, bringing you joy!

I know this might sound kinda funny
But I wish you a big pile of money
You ought to get more
Like a knock at your door
By a stark naked hot Playboy bunny

I would gladly help out (yes, I'm bold)
But I think that I may be too old
So just don't you pout
If you're doing without.
Look at me, an old maid growing mold.

Gettin' laid is what you should be plottin'
By a nymph that is just hot to trottin'
Oh I know that it is
Simply none of my biz
Either way, I hope you get spoiled rotten!

2171. "Come back with condoms, you jerk!"

Unprotected, they fucked doggy-style
Man pulled early (they wanted no chile')
As he splattered his cum
On the sheets and her bum
He remarked, "I'll be back in a while."

2169-2170. AWAD toughies

The final word in each of these was featured this past week.
LBJ, as he sat at his desk,
Felt too old for a swift arabesque
He was feeling so bleak
Wrote a speech: "I'll not seek
Nomination" --- an act Shermanesque.

Golfers have to contend with their duff'rage
While sailboats won't move when there's luff'rage
But elections run better
Since we took the fetter
Off women by granting them suffrage.

I don't think suffrage has any true rhymes.  When that happens, you improvise.  If Ogden could do it...

2168. Hank Yank

A horny young voyeur named Bauer*
Had a neighbor he dreamed he'd deflower
At her window, he'd jack
While he peeked through a crack
In the blinds as she undressed to shower.

*Hank Bauer played for the NY Yankees in the 50's and 60's.  Take my title either way!

2167. Causing a spat?

There once was a food judge named Muriel
Whose temper you'd label "mercurial."
If she disliked a bite
She'd expel it in spite
When judging events epicurial.

OP322. Caesar teaser, or, Antony Averse

There is a resemblance between the fictionalized oration delivered in Rome on March 15, 44 B.C., and the work of fiction uttered by U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz in Cleveland, Ohio, this evening.  In each case the speaker was forbidden to openly denigrate the Powers-that-Be.  Could Cruz similarly turn the tables using the rhetorical irony of Marc Antony?

Here’s how “Lying Ted” Cruz hatched a plan
To tonight flout the “Bash Donald” ban.
     He’ll rely on The Bard
     To provide this petard:
“Liar says, ‘Trump’s an hon’rable man.’”

“Brush up your Shakespeare” (but don’t Kiss Me, Caitlyn) by reviewing Antony’s clever elegy from Julius Caesar, Act III, scene ii, lines 79-113.

PD235-239. Fellated best wishes

A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition
Her remarkable diet
(I think you should try it)
Was only each client's emission.

A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."

A sweetheart, Teresa Van Arden,
Went down on her beau in the garden
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
Do not swallow that mess "
And the girl replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved it when nibbling a peter
She always would say,
"I prefer it this way.
For I find it to be so much neater."

OP321. She says 'ah'

It isn't just Donald who'll con ya
It's also the gorgeous Melania
"I don't steal my speech
From zee Obama beetch,"
She insists, "Just her speenich lasagna."

This came via email from friend Steve Benko after he'd read #2166 (below.)  I emailed back that I was rather proud NOT to have known how she pronounced her first name...

Not only does Steve's limerick pronounce it correctly, it's also much better than mine.

2166. Odium from the podium

In Ohio (hard by Pennsylvania)
Things can hardly become any zania
Kasich hasn't shown up
But the Dems have thrown up
Over plagiarized lines from Melania.

2165. How to leave your Hamlet

A man from Cape Town named Gerard
Once plugged up his asshole with lard
Tryin' to fart through that grease; he
Blew to the Zambezi
Yes, hoist with Gerard's own petard!
Act3, Scene iv (w/o Gerard...)

2164. A 'Hobson's Choice' (for me, anyway)

Ads for candidates now fill the air
But of facts, they're exceedingly bare
With much obfuscation
And confabulation
How's one s'posed to choose 'tween this pair?
While Clinton v. Trump is the germ of this one, I feel that way for nearly every election.

2163. It's good to be the king

A randy old king in his mansion
Had a dick that stood up like a stanchion
What he did with his queen
Could be labeled "obscene"
Such as fucking her titties gargantuan.
I nearly spelled it 'garganchion' so as not to be criticized for the near-rhyme.
Hope my title brooks no ill-will with "History of the World, Part 1" folks.

2162. But will they reimburse anybody?

Does 'The Donald' have one lick of sense?
What might the man do to convince?
He has chosen a creep
Who'll kiss ass as his Veep
They'll be called by the Dems, "Rectum-Pence."