Monday, October 31, 2011

309-311. Boo! (Hoping that's not your reaction)

I guess because it's Hallowe'en,
You'd like one that's darkly obscene.
But other than "witches"
To match up with "bitches"
All other rhymes seem to be clean.

But here's one that's fairly macabre,
'Bout a man who'd go out and grave robre.
He'd sneak home a stiff,
Fuck its bum or its quiff,
And pry open its mouth with his knobre.

There once was a weird country bumpkin
Who would stick his prick into a pumpkin.
Such aberrant deeds
Left his rod smeared with seeds.
He was horny, or crazy, or sumpkin.

And here is my favorite seasonal joke:

A man received an invitation to a Hallowe'en costume party.  He had over a month to come up with the perfect costume and decided to mail-order one.  He wrote to the Acme Costume Company:
Dear Sirs,
I am in need of a Hallowe'en costume.  I have two physical drawbacks -- a bald head and a wooden leg -- and I hate fielding questions like "how did you lose your leg?" or "how did you lose all your hair."  Therefore, please make sure that the costume you send hides my problems.

A week later he received a large package in the mail and a cover letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed, please find a Pirate Costume -- earring, eyepatch, sword, pants, shirt, and bandana.  Wrap the bandana around your head, disguising the fact that you are bald.  With your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate!

Distressed that the company had only taken care of one of his problems, he sent the costume back with this letter:
Dear Sirs.
You completely ignored the fact that I need my wooden leg hidden!  Please replace the Pirate Costume with something else that takes care of both my drawbacks.

Another week went by and he got another large package.  The cover letter read:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the mixup.  Enclosed, please find a Monk Costume.  Its length will completely hide your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you'll make a great monk!

Now the man was really angry.  He wrote back, cussing them out, calling them idiots, and demanding that they send something that disguised both his physical disabilities.

After another week, he received a very small package and a postcard:
Enclosed, find a jar of molasses.  Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

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