118. Dimensionally different

A short, stocky man had a dick
Which was short but was half-a-foot thick!
When erect, just 4 inches
But still, all the wenches
Loved riding his wide-angled prick.

117. The other cervix

There once was a guy who was Czech
And his car was involved in a wrech
Though un-hurt, the big clod
Practiced insurance fraud
By pretending he'd injured his nech.

115-116. I'm balkan at traveling there

Crime is rife in the country of Serbia
If you go, it will likely disturbia.
In the wide countryside
Thieves and killers reside
You'll be safer to stay in suburbia.


A lovely young hooker, a Croat
Didn't have many places to blow at
Either bombs were exploding
Or land was eroding --
So tricks she could never go slow at.

114. Horizontal and vertical poles

A foolish young rascal named Billy
Had a habit you might label silly
He would go to a dance
Quickly unzip his pants
And then limbo, exposing his willy.

113. Need gas? Maybe not.

A man who made money by trucking
Was always the weigh stations ducking
When he'd pull in a truck stop
A whore would come suck, sop
His dick with her spit, then start fucking.

112. $.75 Words

One of my favorite websites is A Word A Day, home page http://wordsmith.org/awad/.
You may sign up there (totally free) and begin receiving words every weekday, plus a weekend compendium of readers' comments.  Today's word appears at the end of line 3.

There once was a wordsmith named Eric
Who only wrote words esoteric
These terms recondite
He would use out of spite
Just to make doltish readers choleric.

My name's not Eric, but comment if you think I need to back off the fancy words...

111. Spin Doctor

There was a physician from York
Who had a most talented dork
This marvelous mister
Did a real sister-twister
By spinning and creating torque.

110. Xenophobia

Had a box to mail cousin Adolphus
So we went to the local Post Olphus
When the clerk saw his name
I heard her exclaim
"Stinkin' Germans!" which really pissed olf us.

109. (G)astronomy

The brightest star seen, quite superious
Made one star-gazing geezer delirious
For he so closely followed it
He thought he had swallowed it
Told "You're sick" he replied "Is it Sirius?"

108. Abbey Rode (ridden?)

An altar-boy named after Byron
When first buggered made sounds like a siren
After taking the spunk
Of that horny old monk
He said "That's it for me, I'm retirin'!"

OP13-14. Two more from Larry Gott

Salutation

A comely young woman from Butte

Was thought to be terribly cutte

By the men of Fort Dix,

Who whipped out their prix

And each gave her a one-gun salutte

A young-looking college professor

Was reputed to be a sharp dresser.,

More important than that

To the coeds who sat

In his class, he was quite a caresser.

PD5. Something borrowed, something blue

This one's not original.  I try to measure up, though.
A filthy and foul-mouthed young man
Writes limericks like all-too-few can
Heaps of 'cunts', 'shit', and 'cocks'
For cheap, prurient shocks
But the fucking things rhyme and they scan.

107. Water you doing in there?

A clean fetish lady named Bauer
Spent hours each day in the shower
With her skin like a prune
She used Vidal Sassoon
And, by damn, she smelled just like a flower.

106. On the button

A woman who one day some money got
Bought a dildo to diddle her honey pot
It didn't excite
When she shoved it in tight
But she loved it when tingling her funny spot.

(Could this be 'assault with battery'?)

105. Borrowing from "Seinfeld"

There once was a woman named Mulva
So strong she could easily pulve-
Rize dicks that would enter
Her warm, gooey center
Good grief!  What a muscle-bound vulva!

104. "Keep your head down" doesn't mean...

There once was a lawyer named Chuck
Whose golf game would sometimes just suck
If he'd but keep his chin
From dropping 6 in.
I think he would have much more luck.

103. Hijab-less

A non-Muslim woman named Eunice
Took her man for a car ride in Tunis.
Her head had no cover,
She turned to her lover
And asked, "Did those people just moon us?"

102. Very early bloomer

A man with a problem absurd,
At sex was a real "early-bird."
After one circle-jerk
He announced with a smirk
"What a deal!  I took first place and third!"

101. Very late bloomer

Erectile Dysfunction made Kirk
Found that getting erect took much work
And to his disgrace
He took 23rd place
In a 22-man circle jerk.

100. Serbs her right

With the US Open up next week, thought I'd be like Alfred Lord and try tennisin'..

A tennis gal, M. Sharapova
Needed sperm she could add to an ova
Got an NBA player
To woo her and lay her
She'll soon have a bun in her stova.

(Maria got engaged to Serbian player Sasha Vujacic last fall.)

99. Unemployment revisited

A good-looking gal who had no job
When applying would put on a snow job
One interview led
To a man who just said
"You're hired if you'll give me a blow job."

98. Hungry?

A desperate fellow named Marvin
Had no job, and his family was starvin.'
Found some 'kill' on the road
Bagged it up and then towed
It back home, cooked it up, started carvin.'

97. Pickett's charge stopped short

A horny young fellow named Pickett
When he found a hot pussy would dick it
But when facing a quiff
He'd just take a sniff
For he hadn't the stomach to lick it.

96. Batten down the hatches

A hurricane's coming -- Irene
Forecasters are saying "she's mean!"
Her winds of 120
Are much more than "plenty"
The damage remains to be seen...

95. Mammary test

A woman with marvelous breasts
Decided to put 'em to tests
She measured and weighed 'em
And pummelled and flayed 'em
And then showed 'em off to her guests.

94. Closet Case

There once was a fellow named Ray
Who kept hidden the fact he was gay
Since he stayed in the closet
It caused dad to posit
"My Raymond?  He's straight all the way!"

When I emailed this one to a friend a few days ago, he replied with
It reminded me of Reagan when he was confronted by a reporter asking whether he were comfortable with Ron Jr. being with the New York City Ballet.  "Oh, he's all man.  We (Nancy and I) made sure of that!"

93. Tutti Flutti

Time for another musical one.  Riccardo Muti is an esteemed orchestra conductor, currently with the Chicago Symphony.  Tutti is Italian for "together" or "all."

Said the great maestro, Riccardo Muti
To his rhythmically challenged 1st Flute-ee
"Why you drag is a mystery,
Improve or you're history.
I won't have a player who's not tutti."

92. Status Cymbal

A guy with a granite-hard dong
Would use it to beat on a gong
Of his prick he was proud
And he made sounds so loud
Folks showed up, thinking something was wrong.

91. Inspired by the one below...

Pine trees can be quite odoriferous
Can it be that's because they're coniferous?
Whatever the reason
When they come in season
They put out a wonderful whiff for us.

90. Odoriferous

A man with a talented tongue
Had a girlfriend of 18 (quite yongue.)
The first time he went south
With his marvelous mouth
He yelled out "Your wazoo smells like dongue!"

89. Not my most deft work

An old weight lifter, feeling bereft
'Cause he had not the muscles to heft
More than forty-five pounds
Said "I've gone to the hounds,
There's no strength in my right arm or left."

88. Hog Heaven

There once was a biker named Charley
Took a girl for a ride on his Harley
He was running quite late
So he drove 108
When they came to a stop she said "Gnarley!"

87. Or are you just happy to see me?

There once was a fellow named Enos
Who had a gargantuan penis.
Snuggled close at a dance
(Wanting in his date's pants)
Heard her say "Something BIG's come between us!"

86. Discovery

Poor Jimmy just couldn't get turgid
Despite how his wife always ur-ged
Then one April day
He found he was gay
And the blood to his dick really sur-ged!

85. Shooting blanks

Fearing kids, my dates wouldn't connect to me
So I went in and got a vasectomy.
To the doc I said "Thanks!
Since I'm now shooting blanks
I can screw when e'er I've an erectomy!"

81-84. NFC WEST

I became inspired after reading the 51 limericks written by my newest "Follower", Quorum of One.  His cover every state and D.C. and are all dirty (yeaaaaa!)  You can read them at http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum40.htm.


Football (American football for you soccer fans) will be starting up in a couple of weeks.  Your host, The Limericist, has just finished writing 32 new ones covering each of the Nat'l. Football League teams.  Hard as it was to do, I made every one of mine clean (boooooo!)  Perhaps even harder, but wanting to be fair, I managed to write nothing good about any of the teams!

There are two leagues (AFC & NFC), four divisions in each league (N,S,E,W) and four teams in each division.  I'll post one division at a time.

(San Francisco)
Let's consider the soft Forty-Niners
I'm just one of a million maligners
With their girlish approach
They frustrate the coach
'Stead of jocks they all wear panty liners.

The pro team in hot Arizona
Has a stupid, ridiculous owna
After this past year's draft
The writers all laughed
And wrote "Cardinals to make their fans groan-ugh."

(Tampa Bay)
What good can I say of the Bucs?
Their best running back really sucks
When he tries to run hard
He loses a yard
He'd do better by wearing brass knucks.

In Seattle they give players free jocks
Which they wear with their funky old knee socks.
But despite the equipping
Their fortunes keep slipping
Each year they're the Sickening Seahawks.

77-80. NFC SOUTH

There's a team that is found in Atlanta

(Once burned by the army of Grant.)  A

Big sports magazine

Says "No relief seen

For the Falcons, they need 'em a Santa."

(Carolina)

What an awful young team are the Panthers!

For years they just haven't had anthers

For the defensive schemes

Used by all other teams.

Perhaps they should try being danthers.

The Rams ought to leave old St. Louis

Say the fans "Why do they sock it to us?

The tix are too high

And their play makes us sigh

By the end of the season they'll screw us!"

(New Orleans)

It's been nearly two years since the Saints

Finally silenced their critics' complaints

By winning it all

The next year they did fall

And their mad fans were put in restraints.

76. A word not much heard

But someone on NPR said it recently so I struggled to rhyme it!
I'm not sure my persistence was worth the following:

There once was a man who was sedulous
About trying to get girls into bed.  You lus-
ty other guys
Don't give up, do likewise --
His success rate was simply incredulous!

72-75. NFC NORTH

(Minnesota)
A most wretched team is the Vikings

Their footballs just never get spikings

'Cause the offense can't score

And the quarterback's sore,

His passes fly shorter than hikings.

(Chicago)
A pitiful bunch are the Bears

Both at home and in other teams' lairs

Should they move off to Sitka?

Re-hire Mike Ditka?

Or simply rely on loud prayers?

The Lions are lodged in Detroit

They've some players as old as Jon Voight

Though they play in a dome

It's an unfriendly home

And besides, they're just not too adroit.

Now let's look at the sad Green Bay Packers

They could use a good kicker like Rackers

Their QB, Aaron Rodgers,

Should play for the Dodgers

And the rest of their guys are all slackers.

68-71. NFC EAST

(Dallas)
All the players are fat on the Cowboys
So obese that they look more like chow-boys
'Fore the season is through
Their fans will all boo
It'll sound like a whole lot of cow noise.

What a joke is a Washington Redskin

Learning plays makes the poor player's head spin

Like Ned in the 1st Reader he

Isn’t a leader

He's dumber than any of Ned's kin

(Philadelphia)
The Eagles have long been in Philly
And the way that they play is just silly
When it's 3rd down and long
Their QB does it wrong
'Stead of passing he runs willy-nilly.

(New York)
Said a long-suff'ring fan of the Giants
"We'll go 16 and 0!" with defiance.
There were few vic'trys seen
They went 2 and 14
His prediction was pie-in-the-skyance.

64-67. AFC WEST

The people in Denver are bummed
Every year their poor team has succumbed
Once called "Orange Crush"
Now they make the fans blush
And by November 1st they're all numbed.

The Chargers are in San Diego
But the team rarely plays en fuego
They fumble and fail
To deliver the mail
And their coach has the brain of a lego!

(Kansas City)
It's a terrible life for a Chief
After each game they have to debrief
You on how you played awfully
Broke rules most unlawfully
And brought your fans nothing but grief.

The completely inept Oakland Raiders
Are well-known to be 4th-Quarter faders
They're under a hex
Water's up to their necks
Perhaps they should play games in waders.

60-63. AFC SOUTH

(Indianapolis)
The quarterback leading the Colts
Studies upcoming teams' nuts and bolts
But despite all his planning
That poor Peyton Manning
Has linemen as old as Lou Holtz.

(Jacksonville)

What a shame if you play as a Jaguar

Compared to a horse, what a nag you are.

You're as soft as a pillow

And bend like a willow

Can't tell you how far in the bag you are.

It's August, one team's future brightens
Come October, the playoff hope slightens
'Cause by then they'll be losing
And turning to boozing
What a shame to be Tennessee Titans.

There's a pitiful bunch down in Houston
Whose egos could sure use some boostin'
They won't go out and fight
And don't run their plays right
They're like chickens who've taken to roostin'.

PD3-4. Remembered, but not mine

There was a young woman from Thrace
Whose corsets would no longer lace.
Her Mother said, "Nellie,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in through your face."


A lively young woman in France
Decided she'd just "take a chance."
For an hour or so
She just let herself go,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

56-59. AFC NORTH

(Baltimore)
The future looks glum for the Ravens
Their coaches are not known as mavens
By the end of the year
They'll have mad fans to fear
And be looking for much safer havens.


(Cincinnati)
No team is afraid of the Bengals
Were it baseball, they'd only hit singles
Their offense is bland
And the defense can hand
Out the gifts like a bunch of Kris Kringles.


In Cleveland they're mad at the Browns
Not Modell's team -- the one that switched towns.
No, the current sad bunch
Is who they'd like to punch
When you watch em', your face fills with frowns.


(Pittsburgh)
A really big fan of the Steelers
Wanted tickets, so put out some feelers.
Had no luck; in the lurch
Tried Episcopal church
Where he'd pray every day on the kneelers.

52-55. AFC EAST

I became inspired after reading the 51 limericks written by my newest "Follower", Quorum of One.  His cover every state and D.C. and are all dirty (yeaaaaa!)  You can read them at http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum40.htm.


Football (American football for you soccer fans) will be starting up in a couple of weeks.  Your host, The Limericist, has just finished writing 32 new ones covering each of the Nat'l. Football League teams.  Hard as it was to do, I made every one of mine clean (boooooo!)  Perhaps even harder, but wanting to be fair, I managed to write nothing good about any of the teams!

There are two leagues (AFC & NFC), four divisions in each league (N,S,E,W) and four teams in each division.  I'll post one division at a time


(New England)
The Pats used to play up in Boston
Their next move ought to be down to Austin
'Cause New England is known
To be cold to the bone
And the field's often covered with frostin'.


(New York)
What a horrible team is the Jets
They're so lazy they rarely break sweats
They cannot run a play
Without fumbling away
As a team, they're as bad as it gets.


The Dolphins are weak in Miami
They hit 'bout as hard as a mammy
The defense is apalling
The offense, most galling
They're cursed with the old double-whammy.


Those poor frigid fans up in Buffalo
At the games wrap their necks in a muffalo
They've lost four Super Bowls
But their fans (hardy souls)
Just keep paying to see every scuffle. Oh!

51. Upside down

There once was a slut in our town
Whose beaver was built upside down
This meant that her clit
Was oft covered with shit
And it turned the men's tongues shades of brown.

50. Tame (and lame)

A couple of folks have told me they want to see more clean ones.  (Sigh....)

There once was a young boy named Dilbert
Watching TV, he gagged on a filbert
When the show (rated 'G')
Had a wild mayhem spree
And he choked when he saw Ernie kill Bert!

49. Ronson

A man with a gigantic Ronson*
Would use it to heat meals by Swanson
With one hand he'd partake
Of his Sal'sbury steak
With the other, he'd jack off his johnson!

* They make cigarette lighters -- at least they used to.

48. Composer/Pianist

From what I've read, he really was quite a Casanova...

A horny pianist, Franz Liszt,
Sought out married gals whom he then kiszt,
Fondled, fucked and went down on
(A practice some frown on)
When their husbands found out, they were piszt!

47. Ego buster

I just thought I could write a good limerick.

While browsing the web to see who else had written dirty ones, I found this site,
    http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum40.htm.

The author has my admiration -- and envy.  He wrote dirty ones on every state in the U.S., plus D.C.  Reading them probably gave me the idea for mine on "The Garment."

Here's one about a scatological fellow:

A guy with an I-Phone named Hap
Mainly bought it because of one app.
He could smear upon it
A small bit of his shit,
To find any worms in his crap.

46. Wembley Wench

A wicked young woman from Wembley
Did every position quite nimbley
She said "Fucking is fine
But I like sixty-nine
'Cause it makes my orgasms more trembley!"

45. Was Sophie Choice?

An old Grecian sculptor named Myron
Was as great in his way as Lord Byron
But when he carved Sophie
'Twas really no trophy
Her fame later came from Bill Styron.

44. You can lead a horse to water...

In trying to build readership, I've invited many folks in my address book to this blog -- some more than once.

If you are having fun in here, invite your friends!   And it costs nothing to click the 'Join this site' button at the top right of the page...  I try to write and add at least one new limerick per day so visit regularly!

I invite all my friends, but most pass
On the chance to show littlrno class
By foll'wing me here.
This gives me real fear
That they think I'm a pain in the ass.

43. The Garment

I'm not a Mormon.  Don't know why I knew about this practice... (the clothing, not the vocation!)

A Mexican Mormon from Utah
Made her living by being a puta
She would screw dusk 'til dawn
With her "garment" left on*
And finish each fuck with a toot - awww!

* She was being devout.  They are supposed to wear it 24/7...
http://www.truthandgrace.com/mormonunderwear.htm

42. Easy, Rider!

A horny young man from Uganda
Tried to fuck his girlfriend in a Honda.
The floor shift caught her twat
And believe it or not,
It made her much more peter-fonda!

41. Blackbeard

The pirate, Ed Teach, that old blackguard,
In a fight got both beaten and daggered.
When asked "Will you live?"
He said, "But for the shiv
I'd be feeling a whole lot less haggard."

40. Composer and Organist

I really wanted to spell gouda as 'gude' and make the final word simply 'crude.'   Dietrich Buxtehude is obscure enough, though, that I thought I'd better help you with the pronunciation of his last name...

An organist, D. Buxtehude,
Would melt down the cheese known as gouda.
Not to eat, 'stead he'd slather
His dick with its lather
And then perform sex acts most crude-uh!

39. Travel Guides

I gave a plug to Fodor's.  I suppose I mustn't show favoritism...

A sleaze-ball who liked pederasty
Deservedly oft got harassed, he
Would then go through rages,
Wipe come on its pages
And leave your trav. mag. Condé Nast-y

38. Dysfunctional sportsman

Sorry for the mixed sports metaphors..

A man with E.D. still loved cunt... 'n'
Would often for pussy go huntin'
When he'd get to 3rd base
He'd look in her face
And say "Honey, that's it, I am puntin'."

OP12. Rub does not rhyme with tug!

All day I was stooping and bending
Then went to the spa for some mending
The masseuse was no lady
Her methods quite shady
So my story has a very happy ending.

Welcome, Mac2052 -- Thanks, Larry

I am pleased to have another poster on board!  Mac is known to me but I won't reveal names in here w/o authorization.  He wrote the clever (if clean) previous post, and didn't butcher it...  :-)

Thanks to a shoutout done on youtube by poster Larry Gott, this site's hits have risen dramatically over the past few days.  You may click on this to see the awesome "commercial" he did. 

I started this blog the evening of 7/27/2011.  On 8/11, total visits were at 350.  As of 9:30 pm on 8/13 they are 582!  Thanks, Larry!

OP11. First try Definitely NOT X-rated

I hope this meets the standards for a proper limerick.

There once was a butcher named Sutton

whose job was preparing the mutton

while carving the lamb

he slipped on a ham

and found himself flat on his button.

37. Shall We Dance?

Eugene Fodor, 1905-1991, founded the travel guide publications that still bear his name.  He's not to be confused in my limerick with the Colorado-born violinist of the same name.  That one died in 2010 at the age of 60 from drug-use complications.

Here I'm rhyming on yet another word that I hear mispronounced (as TERP-si-CORE.)  Nope, it's terp-SIC-o-REE.  Google her if you'd like to be further a-mused...

A maiden well-versed in terpsichore
Placed her foot on the barre made of hichore
Out travelled an odor
Described by E. Fodor
As somewhere 'tween tuna and chichore.

35-36. More on Sutherland

Back on August 6th I posted "Multi-talented Guy", introducing you to Robin Sutherland and some limericks and prose that have passed between us.  Incidentally, he's playing Mozart's Piano Concerto #25 with the Breckenridge (CO) Music Festival Orchestra Saturday night, 8/13/2011.  If you live nearby, you should go!

Time for one mostly-clean and another, pristine.

Herr Sutherland rarely does bore us
He's from Greeley (it's named after Horace)
His talent with words
Makes mine seem like small turds
And he never consults a thesaurus.


While his tastes are quite broad, pianist Robin
Said "One guy can reduce me to sobbin'."
Then Rob also sprach
"I'm most partial to Bach
But I cry when I'm playing Scriabin."

Alexander Scriabin, 1872 - 1915, was a Russian composer and pianist.  Besides learning that fact, my limerick may also have taught you how to pronounce his name!  If it didn't, it's scree-AH-bin.

34. Not Politically Correct -- TOUGH!

Let's face it -- humor suffers when political-correctness monitors it.  I refuse to bowdlerize.

I am not anti-gay nor anti-semitic.  If limericks about either group (or others) come across negatively to you, I apologize.  I write them to have fun and spread fun, not to poke fun.

Frankly, the last three lines of the following one could have gone in any number of directions had I known another word rhyming with 'Thebes.'  Are there any?

A filthy old faggot from Thebes
Went to West Point to bugger some plebes
Then he boarded El Al
With another gay pal
And they went off in search of some Hebes.

33. Caveats

I read through Google's Terms of Service.  Blogspot.com is a subsidiary.  They allow almost anything to be posted -- with a couple of exceptions.  Naturally, I'll relay those via a limerick:

At Blogspot, adult stuff's allowed
(And of that which I've posted, I'm proud)
But do not say things bestial
Nor the least bit incestial --
They'll bury this site with a shroud!

32. Pronunciation

You've probably heard of English composer Ralph Vaughan Williams.
Just in case you've spent your whole life mispronouncing his given name...

Vaughan Williams' first name it was RALPH
But how he pronounced makes me chalph.
For he dropped out the "L",
Spoke the "A" long as well
So say it as "Rafe" to be salph.

There, now, don't you feel smarter?  :)

31. They don't know what they're missing!

Damned women!  They rarely consider us
And in fact, they can often embitter us
Our hands aren't that dirty
We wish to be flirty
When trying to finger the clitoris.

OP10. Priestly?

A priest of a modernist clique
Fell into a terrible pique.
When the Pope said, "Don't wed."
He answered, and said,
"But how else will I find what I sique?"

30. Campho-Phenique

As a child, our medicine cabinet always had these things to put on the skin:

1. Caladryl - for poison ivy
2. Mercurochrome and/or Merthiolate - can't remember which one really burned but both were for cuts
3. Campho-Phenique - for chigger and mosquito bites or anything else that itched.  It was pretty smelly.

Can you even buy those last two any more?

I'm taking a little poetic license with lines 3&4 below.  The final 3 syllables of each need to be said like a musical triplet (3 notes in one beat) in order to keep the rhythm accurate.

A slutty gal, name of Monique
As a douche would use Campho-phenique
When a man would go down on her
He'd instantly frown and grrrr
"Your pussy does nothing but rique!"

OP5-9. Limericks With plays On Words

These limericks by me (as are all my submissions) are clean ones, but, I hope, not boring.

The crafty embezzler's yacht

Was the handsomest thing that he'd bacht.

But the bank got the news

Of his forthcoming cruise,

And the crafty embezzler gacht cacht.

There was a young coed from Fla.

Who would sit in a class till it Ba.

Then she'd close both her eyes

And heave very loud sighs

While the rest of the class just Igna.

A traveller arriving from Me.

Had a terrible time on the Tre.

Two rowdy, young boys

Made such horrible noise

That he thought they would drive him Inse.

Said a militant Wounded Knee Sioux

To his council chief, "What can we dioux?

The government's mighty

As in eighteen ninety,

And its treaties have never been trioux!"

Old Daedalus said with a sigh,

"No matter, it seems, how I trigh

To fit him with wings

And mechanical things,

I just can't make my Icarus fligh."

29. Taliban

Ever read or see Shakespeare's The Tempest?  One of the characters is an ugly enslaved fellow named Caliban. 
I recently accepted the challenge to write a limerick rhyming "Taliban" and at first, the poor servant was all I could come up with -- without resorting to French!

A French-speaking guy in the Taliban
Was forced into servitude like Caliban
When his ass got insertion
He planned his desertion --
"Je pense que je vais aller en Allemagne."  (I think that I will go to Germany.)

A bit later a 5th line (in English) came to me -- For he was a small and a callow man.

May I have a show of hands on which 5th line to keep?  (In other words, comment.)

28. What Hath God Wrought?

An esteemed limerick writer named Gott
Posted some at a growing blogspott
One can read 'em and say
(Like Sam Morse in his day)
These are super ones!  "What hath Gott wrott?"

Welcome, Larry Gott!

After several emails back and forth to figure out the intracies of becoming a blogger at this site, Mr. Gott is now a bona fide poster!  I've left comments under his submissions -- "Two X's and a PG13" and "Once More into the Breech..."
If you would like to post, just add a comment to any post that already exists.  That will generate an email to me and I'll give you posting rights and send you info on the steps to take.

WELCOME, Larry, and super job on all four limericks you've posted!

OP4. Once more, dear friends, into the breech!

There was a young woman from Butte,
Whose husband, a mean, hulking brutte,
Caught the lady in bed
With a fellow named Jed,
Drew his gun and said, "Stop, or I'll shutte!"

OP1-3. Two X's and a PG13

As 'other posters' contribute, I will number the entries with a leading 'OP.'  These three are from Larry Gott.

An elderly pro from Biloxi
Was known as a shrewd minded doxy.
The older she got,
The looser her twat,
So she took up the slack with epoxy.


A trapper named Alex LeVeque
Took his girlfriend up north on a treque.
When he tried to get rigid
The air was so frigid
That all that got stiff was his neque.


The movie fans stood in a queue,
Their sex kitten idol to vueue.
Though the weather was brisque,
They still took the risque,
And many wound up with the flueue.

PD1-2. Feeney and his straight friend, Sweeney

I can recite about 100 dirty limericks from memory.  Most of them are not mine and can be found in the two classic works by Gershon Legman, The Limerick (copyright 1964) and The New Limerick from 1977.  If you like 'em dirty (you must, you're on my blog!), go buy both tomes.  There are 1,739 entries in the first book, 2,750(!) in the second, and they're all devoid of "any redeeming social value."

Occasionally I'll post some of those.  Their 'numbers' will be designated with 'PD' for 'Public Domain.'
Here come a couple from Legman's first book.

I love this one, not only for its humor but also for the alliteration in lines 1 & 2.
There once was a faggot named Feeney
Who enjoyed putting gin on his weenie
Once (being uncouth)
He added vermouth
And slipped his friend Bruce a martini!

While on that "eeny" rhyme, here's another favorite:
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie
The hatch on her snatch
Had a catch that would latch --
She could only be screwed by Houdini.

27. Bassoon

Italian is the language used in musical composition.  Their word for bassoon is "fagott", pronounced faGOTT, and the plural is "fagotti" (same stress.)  I've purposely mispronounced it below to get the rhyme I need...

A gay guy with breath that smelled maggoty
Would breathe in a manner quite raggedy
Most days before noon
He would practice bassoon
Then say "Goodneth!   In two ways I'm fagotti!"

24-26. Multi-talented Guy

Earlier this year I began an email friendship with Robin Sutherland, staff pianist for the San Francisco Symphony.  In addition to his musical talents he is a wondrous and witty wordsmith -- and not just at limericks.

He was scheduled for a trip to the U.K. in June so I sent him this one:

A musical fellow named Sutherland
Took some limericks of mine to his motherland
But the people in Leicester
Despised anapest, er...
Perhaps they'll play best in another land.
(Anapest is the metrical foot used in limericks, i.e., two unstressed syllables followed by one stressed one.  Examples: "unabridged", or "in a daze.")


Robin responded (should I say one-upped me?) with
In London, a square known as Leicester
Is where limericists often go feicester --
While scanning the ground
For loose iambs, Phil found
That the worcester is often the beicester!


That retort, along with much other funny and erudite prose and poetry that had been emailed back and forth, led me to applaud him with this:

When Robin first wrote me, it becund
A discourse that's turned out quite fecund
(Sometimes with profundity
Though rife with jocundity)
In which I oft finish but secund.

Both of us admire Dorothy Parker, and Robin included this in his response to my "fecund" limerick: 

This is an anonymous quote but it is fitting:  "He who ceases to strive for the first rate has already begun to abandon the second; and by little and little will come to rest content with the lowest."

Speaking of first rate, I am as usual reminded of Dorothy Parker, whom we find chiding
a now-forgotten prolific authoress (a similar target today might be, um, Danielle Steel?):
"In literature, we must never mistake the first rate for the fecund...

23. Duquesne

Today's catalyst was hearing this Pennsylvania college mentioned on the radio...

A young man who attended Duquesne
Said, "Pittsburgh is great (in the mesne)
I can eat at Primanti's,
Join raids for girls' panties,
But classwork just drives me insesne."

You may have seen Primanti Brothers' Restaurant featured on The Food Channel.  It's the place where they pile cole slaw and french fries right on their sandwiches.

22. Handel

One of the greatest feats of musical history occurred in 1741 when G.F. Handel wrote Messiah in only 24 days!  I'm pretending that he produced an equally prodigious sexual accomplishment:

A composer named Georg Fridrich Handel
While in London created a scandel
He had one thousand lays
In just twenty four days
Holy Shit!  No one else holds a candel!

21. Misty

There once was a woman named Misty
Who's ideas on sex were quite twisty
When her guy stuck his hand
In her 'tween-the-legs gland
She loved it 'cause he was so wristy!

20. Agoraphobia

Recently received a challenge to rhyme the last name of the great pianist, Vladimir Horowitz.

A strange Irish woman named Horowitz
If she ventured outside had agora fits
So she stayed in her house
And had sex with her spouse
Who played with her big Glocca Morra tits.

Glocca Morra is the name of a fictional Irish town in the musical, Finian's Rainbow.  One of its songs was "How are things in Glocca Morra?"  The Limericist always wants to educate his audience!

19. Latin Majors

Anyone else remember nominative, dative, etc.?  Latin nouns are spelled differently, depending on which of the five(?) cases of declension is used.

Two Latin Maj. folks from the nation
Of Britain tried out conjugation
When they started de clinchin'
His dick lost its tension
Insuring there'd be no gestation.

18. Igor Kipnis

This name will be obscure to many readers, but hey, by reading they'll receive some culture and education!

A harpsichord player named Kipnis
Was delivered his drink and told "Sip this."
Igor (known as a tight-ass)
Then said to the bar lass
"Do not stick around for a tip, Miss."

17. The Weight Lifter

Ok, I know it's not good to speak ill of the dead, but is humor OK -- especially if it is true?

Another friend from high school died way too young.  He had a real passion for body building, but only above the waist!  Not sure why that was, or why I thought of him today, but anyway...

There once was a fellow named Nims
Who spent many minutes in gyms
He worked on his torso
His arms, even more so
But his legs he ignored -- they were stems!

15-16. Two Naughties

I stay in email touch with several old military buddies.  Some of them recently earned (?) customized limericks.  Here are two I playfully did ...


There once was a fellow named Madden
In the bedroom, the girls he would sadden
For the length of his peter
Was one millimeter
Put mildly, his prick was a bad 'un.


An odd Irish fellow named Mike
Had a kinky affair with a dyke
Though she loved how he licked
She refused to be dicked
And what's worse, wouldn't suck on his spike!

14. Want to post?

Blogger.com requires that I invite people in order for them to be able to post.  If you want that ability, do a comment -- "I'd like to post." -- to any entry and the website will notify me by email.   I will then have your email address and will write you back with the additional steps you must take in order to become a "poster child."  :)

You may also email me directly from the site.  Click my avatar (the little white dog) under "Members" on the right side of the page.  Then click the "Send a message" link and start typing.

Now for some added fun.  I am offering to write personalized limericks!  For now, they're going to be free (and always will be to my friends), but if this site takes off, I will probably move it to a website that allows commerce.  You might "order" one for someone's birthday, a bachelor or bachelorette party, etc.  All I need is the name of the honoree, some facts, incidents, and so forth and I'll whip one up!  You'll get to specify clean, suggestive, or smutty!

My high school buddy with the handle "wanusp" requested one so here it is:

A vulgar old fellow named Waynus
Performs sexual conquests most heinous
He should clean up his act
Or else he'll get sacked
(At the least he'll get kicked in the anus.)

For you Shakespeare fans (and so the 5th line isn't totally obvious) I submit this alternate ...
Like that Roman guy, Coriolanus.

13. GUI

In the early days of home computers everything that came to your screen was in text.  Then Apple/Macintosh (followed much later by Microsoft's Windows) created the Graphical User Interface.  That meant using a mouse instead of just a keyboard, screens that had icons, etc.

The term GUI was usually pronounced word-like -- "gooey."

A porn-loving fellow named Louie
When he'd web-surf would often say "Phooey!
I've shot such a big wad
From my seven-inch rod
That my monitor's sticky and GUI."

12. Lapis Lazuli

Lapis lazuli is a blue gemstone.

While licking a cunt (but not crazily)
A jeweler recalled, somewhat hazily
"I really don't know
Why I do it so slow
But I've nicknamed myself 'Lap Puss Lazily'"