PD59-61. All clean, all clever

There once was a curate from Kew,
Who kept a black cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got farther than mu.

There's a wonderful family, Stein.
There's Gertrude, there's Ep, and there's Ein.
Gert's poetry's bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.

In the English Post Office the abbreviation for Salisbury is "Sarum"
and that of Hampshire is "Hants."  Say the short versions...
There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were too halisbury-scalisbury.
He walked about Hampshire
Without any pampshire
'Til the vicar compelled him to walisbury.

You may be wondering how Hampshire could become 'Hants' when it has no 'n.'  Well, Hampshire itself is an abbreviation..... for Hamptonshire.

OP67. He's gone nuts

There was a crazy man named Murdock
Who was found in a state of pure shock
He had murdered his hooker
(Who he thought was a looker)
When he first got a glimpse of her cock.

PD58. Not a limerick...but clever

With his middle name of Wadsworth, you'd kinda expect a parody like this one on Longfellow's The Village Blacksmith.  I think I first heard the following about 50 years ago.

Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village idiot sat.
Amusing himself,
Abusing himself,
And catching the drops in his hat.

901. Public Service Announcement

I'm sorry if this limerick hurts you,
But it's time I wrote one that alerts you
To the wages of sin.
(About 8 dollars 10
To see skin flicks without any virtue.)

900. Peak performance spurned

An old mountain climber named Larry
And a friend scaled the heights to an aerie.
The friend said, "I'll blow ya."
"But I hardly know ya!"
Said Larry, "Besides, I'm no fairy."

899. Undentured servant

While traveling out in the sticks,
I came on a girl 'mongst the hicks
Who'd no teeth.  I did pound her
But mainly, I found her
A consummate sucker of dicks.

Read what you will into line 2...

OP66. Long, low, and a little to the left

Whenever I'm asked "how's it hangin'?"
I insert a joke 'bout my wang in
I tell them "you see
It's foot long, fancy free
And assures me of plenty of bangin'."

898. A Very Merry!

I see that it's now Christmas Eve,
Here's one which I've kept up my sleeve.
Thanks for each comment, post,
And suggestion, but most
Of all, letting me give and receive!

Special thanks to my regular readers and contributors:  OkieJokey, Boulderite, Amanda B. Reckondwith, Dave Reddekopp, and Bob Blanks.  Hmmmm, a total lack of feminine readers...  What should I make of that?

OP65. How does this grab you?/Do you grab this?

Yesterday at a “Dirty Santa” party my gift was one of those nabber devices for getting things from off shelves and behind the ‘fridge.  The present was so lame I thought it needed an equally lame limerick to accompany it.

Have you ever felt need to kvetch
When you’ve put away stuff you can’t fetch?

    “How I wish for,” you rasp,

    “Reach exceeding my grasp!”

What you want is a bit of a stretch.

897. Stress reliever?

When sad, William weeps like a willow
And beats off two times in his pillow!
His cum then gets crusty
And smelling all musty,
Now that is one strange peccadillo.

OP64. No end in sight

Another end of the world limerick, this one's a fresh one.  My last title was better though...

Some fellow had chose to cause friction
By attempting a doomsday prediction
But the end of the world
Is not what unfurled
So the whole thing turned out to be fiction.

896. Fowl play

While romancing a gal in the park,
A guy got shit on by a lark.
Or maybe a squab
Dropped its wet, nasty gob,
How was he to know?  It was dark.

895. What Scot into me?

The muse has been absent of late, but I got an email today announcing the annual Robert Burns Supper on Jan. 26th and just couldn't resist writing this one...

I'll list here a group of celebrities
Who hail from the land near the Hebrides. 
Burns, Hume, Fleming, Bell,
Knox, Carlyle, Boswell.
These aren't the Black Irish (those ebonies.)

Perhaps I was thinking of Ebenezer Scrooge for that last rhyme...

OP63. The end is nah

I came up with this one last year, when Harold Camping predicted the rapture would happen, but as the world is supposed to end again today, I figured the time was right for this one:

A man once predicted the rapture
Many gullible minds did he capture
Though the bible says Jesus
Will come when he pleases
Do I think the whole thing's full of crap? Sure!

OP62. For my dad

My father died a year ago today.  This one is for him:

This limerick is for my dad
He's the greatest influence I've had
I'm glad that my father
Was willing to bother
To help me through life, good and bad.

894. Achtongue!

A fastidious woman named Young
Used Clorox when douching her bung.
When her man went to lick her
Could not have got sicker
And suffered white spots on his tongue.

OP61. Curves

I once met a girl at a rave
Who was sad for her tits were concave
She would get much more sex
If her tits were convex
Because that's what the fellas all crave.

893. Borscht Belt reject

A silly young Jewess named Jamie,
Was labeled by friends, "Cocka-mamie."
The jokes that she told
Were all very old
And most of their punch lines were lamie.

892. Shrubbery

There is a musician, Veronica,
Whose bush smells just like a Japonica.
If you fall for its spell
She'll screw you real well
And blow you like you're a harmonica.

891. FLK

An oddly-constructed child, Craig,
Was born looking much like an egg.
Something else was real weird --
When from womb he appeared
He had only one arm and one leg.

The title refers to an abbreviation actually used by pediatricians, social workers, etc.  I learned this from my cousin who spent over 30 years in child welfare.  It means "Funny lookin' kid."

890. Irish cream

There once was a strange man from Dublin
With a habit that most will find troublin'.
He'd beat off 'til creamin',
Insert straw in semen
And blow hard until it was bubblin'!

889. Change of mind

There once was a maiden named Trudy,
Whose opinion of sex was quite prudy
'Til a man came along
With a 13 inch dong --
No virgin now, Trudy got scrudy!

Click 'Home' at the bottom of the page to start reading hundreds more!  When you reach the end of a page (about 15 entries each), click 'Older Posts' to get 15 more.

888. Totally tacky

There was an equestrienne, Vicky,
Whose fingers were constantly sticky.
With one foot in stirrup
She'd sip maple syrup,
The spills made the reins really icky.

887. Brown-nosing in action

For folks who say, "Your limericks pain us!"
Take this ('bout a queer) and it's heinous.
It seems that his forte
Is he's able to snort
Back his cum from his dear boyfriend's anus.

Is anyone else bothered by the pronunciation 'for-tay' when 'strength' is meant?  Forte is a monosyllabic noun.  Forté is a two-syllable adverb meaning 'loud.'

886. Emotions after death?

A sweet little honey named Laurie
Went to India on a safari.
One night to her tent
A starved tiger went
And ate her up, leaving her sari.

PD54-57. Classically crafted

I once knew a lass from Tacoma,
Whose twat had a wondrous aroma.
When the lads took a whiff,
About half would get stiff,
The rest would fall into a coma.

We all know that tampons are spongy
And oftentimes get rather grungy.
But why they have strings
(Among other things)
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.

There was a young chap in Arabia
Who courted a widow named Fabia.
"Yes, my tongue is as long
As the average man's dong,"
He said, licking the lips of her labia.

One day a young lady named Flo
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow.
In disgust she replied,
"Your request is denied.
I don't think I could stoop quite that low."

Ready for quash rackets?

OK, Okie.  I read your comment to #OP58.  To level the playing field for the contest and get more readers aware of it, I'm changing the start time to noon CST on Dec. 3.  Entries will be accepted up until 10:00 pm CST on 12/3.

I am challenging all readers to write a limerick (or limericks) rhyming the word 'quash.'  I didn't originally say you had to rhyme it, but that seems only reasonable.  It can appear as the last word of any line.

If you want to enter, put your limericks in as comments to this post.  Enter as many diferent limmies as you want.

Voting (one time by any reader) will be done as further comments to this post,  It will commence at 10:01 pm CST on 12/3 and end at noon CST on Tuesday, 12/4.  To make it fair (?), you may not vote for your own entries.

Award 5 points to your favorite and 3 points to your second favorite.  If you submit any entries, you must vote.  Otherwise, all votes cast for you will be erased.  Only cast one first-place and one second-place vote, please.

Remember, you don't have to enter to vote, but you must vote if you enter!!

Hoping none of you are at a losh for words that rhyme....
   The Limericist

OP59-60. The debate continues

First, in trying to grasp the creation
Man had bypassed experimentation
And his ignorance? Hid it.
In proclaiming "God did it!"
Left the Maker without explanation.

We still needed an answer, you see
For how the world's life came to be
But Darwin's evolution
Gave us our solution
To all of life's diversity.

885. It's been a while

If you've been wondering what happened to the composer limericks...
That Russian man, Sergei Rachmaninoff,
Wrote things that turn people both on 'n off.
Rhapsody on a Theme...
Has parts like a dream
But they often are wasted upon a toff.

884. A fore-Bode-ing attribute

A Winter Olympian, Miller,
When fucking his wife would near' kill her!
His pecker was huge,
It was sleek as a luge,
And just like his skiing, did thill her.

OP58. Look somewhere else

An alien dude and his wife
Heard that Earth with smart humans was rife
They conducted their search
At the Westboro church
But they found no intelligent life.

883. Free sex education

A madam named Mamie O'Toole
Wouldn't give a discount, as a rule.
But when strapping young bucks
Came to have their first fucks
Price was free and she "took 'em to school."

882. Linebacker material

I've heard of a woman named Connie
With pubic hair colored all tawny.
But few fellows know it
Or ask her to show it,
She's 6'3", 240 and brawny.

881. Not marriage material

The Irishman, Seamus Muldoon,
Has looks which make all the girls swoon.
With manners impeccable,
They find him quite neckable
Until they learn he's a buffoon.

880. "Gentlemen, choke your chickens..."

A fraternity cook, slightly perved,
Had a contest for which guy deserved
To get fed first for dinner.
Said, "Circle-jerk winner!"
A pure case of first come, first served.

879. MTT in T-Town

The esteemed Music Director of the San Francisco Symphony, Michael Tilson Thomas, is speaking at the University of Tulsa tomorrow night.  I plan to be there and am curious as to what his topic(s) may be.  I understand that his brilliance extends beyond the podium.

The conductor so fine, Tilson Thomas,
Makes me future-gaze like Nostradamus.
I predict Michael's lecture
In our small prefecture
Will not make the audience vamos.

OP57. The secret to happiness

For some reason, I think you'll like this one.

There once was a man, short and stout
Who steadfastly refused to pull out
For what he's clearly seen is
That all true happiness
Will come from within, not without.

OP56. Keeping it kosher

There once was a man from Macon
Who didn't eat ham or bacon
He looked like a dork
So he pulled on his pork
His virginity never was taken.

Well, if you are what you eat, you can't call him a pig...

878. Change balls?

An impotent golfer named Butts
Saw a doctor to ask, "Am I nuts?
Straight with iron or wood
And my distance is good,
But what can you do for my putz?"

877. Gazing geezer

A very old man of poor rearing,
Had a habit of constantly leering.
Girls would shout at him, "Hey!
Quit staring that way!"
He'd say, "I'm 93, whatcha fearing?"

876. Don't switch hands!

Much more dangerous than rubbing your stomach and patting your head...
While carving the Thanksgiving turkey
A man also gave his beef jerky!
Two meats got abused
Which left him amused
And he showed it by looking quite smirky.

OP55. How about Darth Vader as the Tar-Baby?

Now that Disney owns Star Wars, methinks
There’s a swell chance for cross-over links.
     They could surely embarrass
     Poor Joel Chandler Harris:
Unc' Remus’s rôle – Jar Jar Binks!

Song of the South (1946), based on the fables of Joel Chandler Harris (1848-1908), was Disney’s first full-length film to combine live actors with animation.  It starred James Baskett as raconteur Uncle Remus and featured the Oscar-winning original song Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah as sung by Baskett.

Disney also seeks the rights (not!) to make an animated version of The Passion of the Christ.  In the scene where Pontius Pilate offers the crowd its choice of prisoners for pardon, the mob shouts, “Give us Br’er Rabbit!”

875. Retallyation

There once was a husband named Ned
Whose wife wouldn't join him in bed.
Took his long tallywhacker
And with it, did smack her
A good one up 'side o' the head.

OP54. One for the road

#873 reminded me of one I had made up a while ago...

There once was an old man who died
His widow we found by his side
She politely implored us
"Since he's got rigor mortis
Would you please let me have one last ride?"

874. Bad timing and rhyming

An eager young fellow named Buck,
When wooing girls, has lousy luck.
As soon as he meets 'em
He speaks up and greets 'em:
"Hi!  My name is Buck, wanna dance?"

873. What a way to go!

An octogenarian, Conner,
Found a willing young thing and climbed on 'er.
Then all things went black
And his pecker went slack,
I'm reporting that Conner's a goner.

872. Petulant pose

I know of a maiden, a bimbo,
Who stands with her arms all akimbo.
Doesn't give guys the hots,
(Body language says lots.)
Her love life is always in limbo.

871. Calendar girls

A ménage à trois one afternoon
Debunked a man’s theory quite soon.
He'd been in full command
So could not understand
Why May didn't come before June.

870. Double dose

A carefree and dissipate chap
Thought VD alerts were all crap.
He engaged an old whore;
Proved him wrong, made him sore
By giving him syphilis and clap.

869. Voyeur in the foyer

A good-looking woman named Suzi
Has a body that's really a doozy!
Her husband named Les
Likes to watch her undress
And then join her in the Jacuzzi.

868. DST -- STD?

Time for another Spoonerism:
I have a good friend with a knack
For getting things all out of whack.
Daylight Savings found Rick
Putting tar on his dick,
Told him, "Hey!  I said turn your clock back!"

867. General business

How about CIA head Petraeus!
Do you think his affair did betray us?
If your or my spouse
Were as plain as a mouse,
We'd too find a Broad(well) to lay us.

866. Don't argue with her -- dicker!

We guys don't like gals who demean us,
Or allow petty bick'rings between us.
When these things occur
It seems only to spur
Us to to shut 'em up with a hard penis.

865. Putting a damper on things

An accused felon thought he could lunge
At the judge's notes so's to expunge
All his crimes written down.
He proceeded to drown
The whole docket!  He used a wet sponge.

864. Sounds fishy

There once was a lady named Jeter,
Who'd take on 'bout any man's peter.
But the smell of her cunt
Was quite an affront,
Guy's might fuck 'er but they wouldn't eat 'er.

863. Smoked by the censers*

A potty-mouth comic named Larson
Appeared one night on Johnny Carson.
Got bleeped 'cause his shtick
Had a joke 'bout a dick
Being sucked by a nasty old parson.

*The firepots swung by priests -- holy smokes!

862. Hard work at play

A pretty fair golfer named David
Has trophies which all are engraved.
His vic'trys aren't easy,
From pressure, gets queasy;
Each time that he's won, he has slaved.

861. Head in the clouds

When cutting a foul-smelling fart,
Bartholomew makes it an art.
Along with the gas
Dark smoke shoots from his ass!
No wonder they call him Black Bart.

860. Alas, poor Yorick...

A terrible actor named Dan
Was easy for critics to pan.
His Hamlet portrayal
(A Shakespeare betrayal)
Turned off ev'ry possible fan.

And the winner is...

Back in September, I mentioned that I'd entered a limerick contest for Tulsa's annual ScotFest and that the winner would receive a Kindle Fire.  Well, I won and am enjoying it immensely.  I submitted seven different entries.  Here's the one that got the most votes:

A bonnie Scot lassie named Annie,
Enjoyed dressing up for things clanny.
It made her quite glad
To put on her plaid,
Worn tightly to show off her fanny.
I didn't number this post since the limerick already appeared in Nov. 2011 as #321.

859. He should meet Anastasia in #858 (below)

A man's interest started to dwindle.
Women's sex drives he just couldn't kindle.
Never mounted a charge;
His dick was so large
That no gal's record fit on his spindle.
For this to make sense, you need to be old enough to remember vinyl records...

858. Avast! It's a vast one

I heard of this gal, Anastasia,
With so large a cunt, it would amaze ya!
Men often would slip there
And injure a hip there
Which caused a good deal of dysplasia.

856-857. No-win situation?

One week until the election...
If you choose as your president Mitt,
You will be like an inmate in Git-
Mo, locked up in a hush room
And kept like a mushroom --
In the dark and fed nothing but shit.

If Obama you should re-elect,
Same old things will take place, I suspect.
Massive handouts won't cease,
Deficits will increase
And new bills the Repubs will reject.

855. What the H?

There once was a woman named Miles,
Who rarely, if ever, gave smiles.
For it seemed that the bitch
Had a terrible itch;
Only anal sex soothed her sore piles.

854. No joy in Mudville

Notre Dame was much tougher than thought,
Enormous, yet fast, and they fought
A bit harder than we

Plus, they played error-free --

30-13's the whipping we got.

853. Boomer Sooner!

Of our Sooners we never do tirish,
Even when situations seem dirish.
But tonight you can bet
That we won't have to sweat
As we stomp on the damned Fighting Irish!
That's crimson, not red.

852. Inscrutable

Here is an off-the-cuff limerick:
My physician is named Doctor Lesher.
His visage could use a refresher.
He is an enigmo
When using his sphygmo-
manometer for my blood pressure.

OP53. Worlds apart.

Though budget concerns may constrain us
Missions to other worlds entertain us
While some say it’s stupider
To send men to Jupiter
I’d rather go there than Uranus.

 Great limerick, Dave!!  I've never changed anything in an "OP" post, but the following deserves to appear!  Hope you don't mind... Phil.

851. Just beat it

A dirty old bachelor named Jarius
Enjoys watching porn (he's vicarious.)
He thinks it is cool
To sit loping his mule
But in fact, the scene's rather hilarious.

PD52-54. The limerick in song

Perhaps all this limerick writing has me thinking in anapæst and has affected my subconscious.  I awakened with Gershwin's "It Ain't Necessarily So" from Porgy and Bess running through my head.  Its lyrics (by brother Ira) follow the AABBA rhyme scheme.  Here are the first and last verses:

It ain't necessarily so,
It ain't necessarily so.
The things that you're liable
To read in your bible
Just ain't necessarily so.

Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
Methuselah lived nine hundred years.
But who calls that livin'
When no gal'll give in
To no man what's nine hundred years?
For the complete lyrics click this.

Beginning in the late 50's there was a black show band from North Carolina called "Doug Clark and the Hot Nuts."  They played to mostly college-age audiences throughout the south and I saw them live at least three times.  I just checked Youtube and discovered that they are still touring!  I daresay that I learned many 'classic' limericks from their rendition of  "The Limerick Song", sung to the tune of Cielito Lindo.  The chorus went

"Ai-yi-yi-yiiiii, 
In China they do it for chili.
So here comes another verse 
That's worse than the other verse 
And waltz me around by my willie."
and those were about the cleanest lyrics they sang!  Shocking stuff back then...

850. Global warming

My grass is as green as can be
And today's temp may reach 83!
I must not be sober,
Is it late October?
I'm wond'ring if winter we'll see...

849. Clothes make the man

A woman of great ill-repute
Would fuck any guy in a suit.
But those who dressed down
She dismissed with a frown
As beneath her (although some were cute.)

848. Pretend there were cell phones in 1815

Before Waterloo dealt him defeat,
Napoleon texted his sweet.
Didn't fly through the blue,
Tried again, did go through,
That was Bonaparte's final re-tweet.

845-847. C'mon baby, let's do the twist

An unusual youngster named Merle,
Took a pretty young girl for a twirl.
His appendage most male
Was just like a pig's tail --
It was shaped in a definite curl.

He succeeded her pants to unfurl,
Then unzipped, showing his priceless pearl.
Her shock was so great
There was no way she'd mate,
In fact the sight caused her to hurl!

Though at first his dick's twists seemed anoink,
She decided she would like to boink
And told him "Let's try it."
He caused a small riot
When instead of "OK!" he said "Oink!"

844. Clothes make the woman

An acid-tongued woman named Natalie
Could turn down all suitors quite cattily.
These men were attracted --
Not through how she acted --
But 'cause she was always dressed nattily.
I'm reminded of the x-dresser, Natalie Cladd.

OP52. He's a giver

There once was a fella, the owner
Of a rather obscenely large boner
He willed it to science
In perfect compliance
As a registered sex organ donor.

OP51. Baad boy

There once was a girl from Peru
Whose sexual cravings were few
So her boyfriend would keep
Having sex with his sheep
And would tell her, "I'll always love ewe".

PD51. It's been a while

This famous one was sent me by Boulderite who often reads here and sometimes comments.  In looking through the archives to see what number to assign it, I found I'd not posted any classics since August 31st.
 
While Titian was mixing rose-madder,
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

843. Inspired by PD51 (above)

Ol’ Titian was good with the nudes,
Sometimes painted with cherubic broods.
Girls’ braids?  Had to lose ‘em.
To show off the bosom
He made ‘em put hair up in snoods.

842. XXXXL needed

A very fat woman named Carol
Has a torso as big as a barrel.
When trying to buy clothing
Her size starts her loathing --
She has trouble finding apparel.

841. Careful what you wish for

Ms. Lewinsky, by tapers, shed tears,
She'd grown fatter these past sixteen years.
Prayed "God, take my love handles."
Poof!  Out went the candles
And Boom!  Shebang!  Off fell her ears!

840. Different strokes

William, a boy from Sri Lanka,
Loved to fondle his truck made by Tonka.
But now he's a teen
And fondles his pen-
is, his friends call him Willie the Wonka.

839. Super singing!

Last night my wife and I attended the Donizetti opera Daughter of the Regiment or, if you prefer French, La Fille du Regiment.  It was done marvelously by Tulsa Opera. 

"La Fille..." had no sets that were mōderne, 
But it did star our own Sarah Coburn.
High E-flat she caressed (!),
I, for one, felt quite blessed
Though her dad* often gives me a slow burn.
* Ms. Coburn's father is Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK.)

838. With a flat head on which to set your beer!

A popular woman named Jen
Gives blow jobs to men who've a yen.
As they tickle a spot
On her small epiglot-
tis their balls rest upon her large chin.

836-837. More opera doings

While rehearsing Traviata, a bossy
Male lead took the Sop. for a toss.  He
Should have been betta
But screwed Violetta,
I'd say this Alfredo was saucy.

This "plot shot" is about La fanciulla del West, or The Girl of the West.
A bandit, Ramerrez by name,
Had an alternate handle of fame.
Minnie got disabused
When 'Dick Johnson' he used,
In today's world that name would bring shame!

OP50. Puccini immortalizes '-Tang, Dyin' Nasty

Calàf, Prince of Tartar, with allure
Much like Oed'pus, solved riddles for sure.
    Answers "Hope," "Blood" and "You" *
    Precede sad death of Liù. 
Turandot's the Chink in his Amour.

* The pronoun takes the place of her name (as sung).

835. Out on a limn?

I try to post five lines per day,
But sadly, this site doesn't pay.
Should I publish a book
Read on paper or Nook?
Please comment: I'll heed what you say.

A good friend has had success by self-publishing a couple of novels.  This has me thinking there might be a market for my limericks.  I'm considering writing two books: Limericks, Lewd and Crude and Limericks, Clean and Pristine.  What think you?

834. Speechless

A math student, quite tightly wound,
Took an oral test.  Sadly, he found
That the probs. seemed insoluble.
Though usually voluble
He just didn't utter a sound.

OP48-49. Sectual tensions

There once was a Catholic priest
And the boy who objected the least
Though the boy deconverted
His anus still hurted
For the ass-fucking never had ceased

When he heard this, a Protestant pastor
Who made similar use of his blaster
Said "Although it's a sin
I can't let that priest win"
So he ass-fucked the little boy faster.

833. Unwanted side-effect

After getting vasectomized, Bill
Told his wife she could go off the pill.
During sex, William thought he'd come
But shot just a modicum,
It made a vas deferens in thrill.

832. Sometimes obscenial

I try to appear most  congenial,
Writing lim'ricks -- for me it's quite menial.
I've written a pen full
And if some are sinful
Here's hoping those sins are just venial.

831. Crackdown

An old USAF buddy emailed the following:
I saw in the paper an article about Col. Deborah Liddick being made commander of Randolph AFB.  This was brought about by the sex scandal there where 42 female recruits were harrassed or raped.  Looking at the name "Lid Dick" fueled thoughts of a possible limerick.  See what you can do with that!

I replied with "Ask and ye shall receive."

The new Randolph head's Deborah Liddick.
She's a colonel with tongue quite acidic.
Her job? "Get a handle
On every sex scandal."
If you're a guy, best keep a hid dick.

OP47. Pleasure with a price

There once was a girl named Victoria
Who, after a night of euphoria
Awoke the next day
To find, to her dismay
That she'd gotten a case of gonorrhea.

OP46. No two ways about it

When I leave them, the girls want me knowing
That they gave me an adequate blowing
That way they can say
That they blew me away
At the same time I'm coming and going.

830. Rough sledding

A vacationer staying in Gstaad,
Did something quite aad to his baad.
He went there to ski
But injured his knee
For there was no snow, only saad.
You probably figured out that the Swiss resort town is (roughly) pronounced "Shtodd."

829. " ...separated by a common language"*

* My title is part of a saying generally attributed to George Bernard Shaw.  The full quote (though not found in his writings) is "The United States and Great Britain are two countries separated by a common language." 
An Englishman - NOT with his peers -
In a bar in Ft. Worth had some beers.
Uttered "I need a fag."
Made the bartender gag
And say "Buddy, this bar ain't for queers!"

p.s. "Fag" in G.B. is common slang for a cigarette.

828. Report gets a retort

The German psychologist, Fromm,
Cut a fart that went off like a bomb!
'Twas at a convention
Of writers of mention
And brought words from Somerset Maugham.

827. Changing sides

There once was a fellow named Greer
Whose marriage was o'er in one year.
The problem, it seems,
Was he had to switch teams,
For Greer, 'twould appear, was quite queer.

826. Onanism euphemism #2

I know of a bachelor named Fricken
Who dreams about gettin' a lickin'.
But not in a fight,
No, from lips wet and tight.
Hasn't happened so he chokes his chicken.
In an earlier post found here I used another slang term for masturbation.

825. A Zildjian-to-one shot

Pardon my sicko mind...
A Thalidomide youngster named Royce
Beat pots and pans just to make noyce.
He wanted some drums
But since he was all thumbs,
His playing would not have been choyce.

824. Sticky thicket

A silly young guy named McGrew
Would chew bubble-gum when he'd screw.
One time it got loose
And stuck near a gal's sluice --
Her pubis is missing a few...

823. Aimless sex

There once was a fucker named Boyd,
Of condoms completely devoid.
He withdrew, shot his wad
On his lady friend's bod --
As you'll guess, made her highly annoyed.

822. Sin City, Nevada

When a bunch of bucks you have amassed,
And you want to go off on a blast,
Take advice from the sages,
Don't visit "Lost Wages"
You'll most likely wind up aghast!

821. High praise

One evening while twiddling my thumbs some
And sharing a bottle of bum's rum,
Spied a stunner!  With wit
I said "I'd eat her shit
For a mile just to see where it comes from!"

Back in the mid-'60s, another compliment of a woman's beauty was "I'd eat her on color TV with my mother watching!"

820. Wrong lips for dips

A hooker named Sheila McDuff
Stuffed tobacco inside of her muff.
When johns tried to lick her
They'd puke, then get sicker,
I guess they were not up to snuff.

OP45. Pining for prairie pussy

There once was a man from Saskatchewan
Who thought he could get all the snatch he'd want
He went to Regina
In search of vagina
But he left there without ever catching one.

819. Dashed hopes

As a University of Oklahoma graduate and fan, I was hugely disappointed with their home-field loss to Kansas State last Saturday.

Things aren't looking good for OU,
They’ll win eight or less games when they’re through.
Landry Jones is no star,
Both their lines are sub-par
And the way they play makes me say pewwww!

818. Scorching!

There once was a woman named Post,
With a twat so hot she could make toast!
A man once did enter
Her blazing hot center,
The outcome?  A quick weenie roast.

817. Just TELL us what you had for lunch

A fellow from near Sacramento
For lunch eats the cheese with pimiento.
He shouldn't get dressy
'Cause he is so messy
His shirts then display a memento.

A local TV anchor mispronounced the final word as momento last night.  Not a mementous occasion!  See comment for what I emailed her.

816. Extra embalming fluid

A weird undertaker named Goffin
Likes jumping on women and boffin'.
But once he's encamped,
It feels rather cramped
For there isn't much room in a coffin.

815. Non-prosaic sex

When husband and I want to play
And have us a roll in the hay,
I love it and show 'im
By reading a poem
From Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Lovely anapest in her name.

814. Pitcher plant

A gal with a gigantic gash
Causes men to fall in and then splash,
Swimming 'round in its goo.
(Not much else they can do.)
They are destined forever to thrash.

813. Shotgun Sam

A horny young rascal, Sam Medder,
Took a fifteen-year-old out to bed 'er.
When she started to show
Her old man found the beau
And said "You're off to jail 'less you wed 'er."

812. Surprise!

A man who was under much stress
Decided to seek a caress.
A whore on a corner
Just made him forlorner --
"She" had a dick under her dress!

OP44. More than he bargained for

A dyslexic proofreader, Miss Hyde
With a customer gladly complied
He wished to post signs
He was selling his pines
Now he thinks they should tell her she's fried.
Ed. note:  The last words of lines 4 and 5 are anagrams due to the dyslexia.  I couldn't figure out (but my brother did) that Miss Hyde had misspelled 'pines' on the signs (and she didn't write spine!)  Good one, Mr. Reddekopp!

811. Waiting...

Last week in #806 I mentioned that I had entered a limerick contest, sponsored by Tulsa's Scotfest.  The entries were supposed to have been posted on their website so people could vote, but they're still not up!  I emailed the chairman of the event with this:

Steve Campbell from Auld Aberdeen,
Wrote “Submissions have been rather lean
For limericks.”  Sent several –
Now wondering if ever I’ll
Learn who won — and was it clean?

810. What a dweeb!

The Republican candidate, Mitt,
Continues to show he's a twit.
In fact, his selection
For this fall's election
Proves GOP folks don't know shit.

809. Aurally and Orally challenged

A slightly-deaf woman (quite literally)
Asked her boyfriend "Will you lick me clitorally?"
His reply was "No way!"
She misheard him to say
"Go away" so she dumped him (quite bitterally.)

808. Two-part (dis)harmony

Today my shrink said what he thought o' me:
"Your id is a total dichotomy.
You seem schizophrenic,
Check into a clinic,
I'll schedule a frontal lobotomy."

Inspired by Dorothy Parker's quote "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."  (Also attributed to W.C. Fields and others -- no one seems to know who said it first.)

807. Load to a Grecian Urn

A bastard with money to burn
Bought an ancient and fine Grecian urn.
Since it had a small neck
He said "What the heck!"
And fucked it like pumping a churn.
Wad was he thinking to devase it like that?!

OP43. The magician

My magic shows started at six
But no one showed up, nada, nix
It was really quite tragic
So I gave up my magic
But at least I am still turning tricks.

OP42. How's his hearing?

Another beer one...

There once was a man who for years
Would always drink too many beers
They took out his bladder
But it didn't matter
He learned how to pee out his ears.

806. No apocalypse... yet

Tulsa's Scotfest is this weekend and this year's theme is "The end is beer."  They're having a limerick contest and here's one I submitted.  I'll let you know if it wins a prize.

A Glaswegian* all full of good cheer
Walks around with a sign and a leer.
Not apocalyptic
No, not even cryptic,
Instead it reads "The end is beer!"
* A denizen of Glasgow.

OP41. Bareback riding

There once was a woman from Morse
Whose lover was hung like a horse
So she is, you could say
In her own special way
An equestrian rider, of course.

OP40. A backup plan

A lesbian hooker from Nunavut
Enjoyed having sex, yes, a ton of it
And when none of the chicks
Would give her her fix
She would diddle herself for the fun of it.

805. Doesn't pay to advertise

A young hooker had lots of puissance*,
And she carried an air of insouciance.
Her red-lighted house
Made the neighbors all grouse,
Got closed down as "an attractive nuisance."

* Yes, I know, it's pronounced "pwee-SAHNZ" but it looks as if it rhymes...  :-)

804. Dessertification

An unusual woman named Whit
Tucked yellow fruit into her slit. 
Ice cream, nuts and cherry
Placed inside her hairy
Old twat made a great 'nana split!

803. ...But the flesh was weak

A moral teenager named Shrader
Heard all his mom said and obeyed 'er.
'Til arose a great chance
To get in a girl's pants:
He forgot his upbringing and laid 'er.

802. I shutter to think of it

A female photographer, Tamara,
Got mad and decided to hammer a
Big railroad spike
Which she'd found on a hike
Through the lens of her non-working camera.

801. Devil with a blue dress

Former Prez William Clinton, that orator,
Took Lewinsky aside and he tore at her.
He hadn't a rubber
Still, entered her blubber,
Got worried, withdrew, shot his spore at her.

OP39. The 2nd rule of limericks

The first rule, if you're wondering, is the rhyme scheme itself.

In a limerick, don't use a line twice
For it's lazy; just once will suffice
It's bad form, which I hate
So let me restate
In a limerick, don't use a line twice.

800. Forward and backward

This limerick won't have any smut
But perhaps you will laugh from your gut.
For when taking the pulse o'
The city called Tulsa,
Spelled backward, you'll find it's a slut.

My town also appears in the palindromic sentence (not mine):
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

OP34-38. Sunday School for grown-ups

Now that I've posted a clean one, here's another filthy one, in five verses.  I wish this was the version they taught, illustrated of course:

Mary Magdalene, alone in her tent
With a man she said was heaven-sent
And Jesus was blunt
Stuck his cock up her cunt
When she screamed "Oh God!", that's what she meant

A jealous man, Peter grew sadder
For his peter was longer and fatter
Jesus called him "the rock"
For the size of his cock
But to Mary it just didn't matter

So that is why Peter denied him
Despite all of the years spent beside him
With the Lord in the tomb
He could enter her womb
If she ever consented to ride him

Then one morning while breaking the bread
At last she agreed to give head
But then just as he feared
That's when Jesus appeared
That bastard just wouldn't stay dead

But for Peter all hope was not lost
One day all inhibitions were tossed
All who they were among
Found the gift of their tongue
On that glorious day of Pentecost.

OP33. Not appreciated in his time

What the hell, a clean one.

There once was a man, quite unbalanced,
Refining his limerick talents
A sensational poet,
And the whole world would know it,
But he can’t get the last line to rhyme.

799. Pantry problem

While wooing a girl with much ardor,
A man took her into his larder.
Said she "Stick it in!"
But to his great chagrin
He was flaccid and couldn't get harder.

798. What the deuce?

I'm watching him beat Del Potro in the US Open as I write this...

A female fan drank all the Coke of which
Belonged to that tennis man, Djokovic.
He discovered it drained
And loudly explained
"When I find her I think I will choke a bitch!"

OP32. Better with age

There once was an old man who'd dine
On pussy; he thought it divine
When some were outraged
They said "Sir, act your age!"
He replied, "I do. I'm 69!"

797. Tongue-in-groove

While tonguing his girl's yummy slit,
A guy felt the need to go shit.
She was right on the verge
So he stifled his urge
And made her come lickety-split.

An old joke goes
Q. What is the speed limit on Route 69?
A. Lickety split.

796. Liberal plank

Since the Dems are starting their convention today...
A young masturbater named Milton,
Has a dick with a habit of tiltin'
(When erect) to the left
All because he does heft
It right-handed 'til done and it's wiltin'.

795. Took home a Roma

There once was a man from Poughkeepsie
Who had an affair with a gypsy.
But she was no honey
And took all his money
By getting him totally tipsy.

794. Phyllis Diller, R.I.P.

A randy young rascal named Miller,
Always wanted to fuck Phyllis Diller.
Some 50 years later
He finally did mate 'er,
By then her appearance was "chiller."

793. And cheap, too

A woman, quite fat and uncommon,
Asked for diet advice from a shaman.
He said "Don't eat meats,
Or veggies or sweets,
Try consuming just noodles by Ramen."

792. Big downer

This one is in reference to my friend (and poster here) Mac2052...

While inspecting an old elevator,

Michael slipped on a french-fried potater.

He fell down the shaft

Which left him quite daft:

One hell of a job terminator!

PD47-50. Classics Phil-ustrated

A wonderful word is the ibid,
Its appearance is pale and insipid.*
It stands as a sage
At the foot of the page
To tell whence the passage was cribbed.
* A near-rhyme, but what else should the author have used?  
 I might suggest an entirely new line 2:
"Employed as a claim you've not fibbed"
but 'fibbed' isn't really a synonym for 'plagiarized.'

Said a printer well-known for his wit,
"There are certain bad words we omit.
It would sully our art
To print the word f---,
And we never, no never, use s---."

Said a hardened old lecher named Mosul
In rejecting a young whore's proposal,
"I've so calloused my drill
That I can't get a thrill
Save but screwing a kitchen disposal."

The limerick's a queer aberration,
It's a weird form of sex sublimation.
Words sent to the mind
Like "a rosy behind"
End in doggerel, not copulation.

791. Wild ride

Bull riders from old Albuquerque
Practice up on a gal who's quite perque.
When given a Pepsi
It spurs epilepsy
And makes her fuck all herque-jerque.

Are you familiar with Rodeo Sex?  That's when you're screwing your wife or girlfriend doggy-style, you clasp your arms around her, lock your hands and whisper in her ear, "Your sister really likes it this way."  Then you try to hang on for 8 seconds.

789-790. How's tricks?

A sweet-smelling whore named Gunilla,
Positions her puss on a pillow.
Says she "I can wangle
More johns at this angle
Plus, I scent my cunt with vanilla."

A profligate man from Azores
Each week would go down to the whores.
They weren't too expensive
But he became pensive:
"Is there any get from my spores?"
"Get" as a noun means offspring.

788. No help atoll

An uptight young surfer named Howie
Tried riding the big waves off Maui.
It gave him relief
'Til he crashed on the reef --
His shoulder now has a big owie.

787. Two-fisted fun

A woman who lived by the Ganges
As a dildo used one hand's phalanges.
While diddling her gland
Used her alternate hand
To hold tumblers of fine Glenmorangies.
The final word is often mispronounced (as rhymed above.)  It is properly pronounced (the singular) Glen-MOR-un-gee.  It is the brand name of one of the finest single-malt scotches, due in part to its being aged in casks previously used to hold sherry.

786. Bush hates plant

George H. W. was thin, not built stockily,
And something he said came out cockily:
"I now am the prez
And here's what I sez:
'I'm not eating any more broccoli!'"

785. Double standard

A duplicitous man made his wife
Give him head at the point of a knife!
But he thought it immoral
To give her some oral--
This caused them much marital strife.

784. Deserving of a Kanin

There once was a preacher named Larson,
Ill-suited for being a parson.
At a French restaurant
He decided to taunt
A young waiter by shouting out "Garçon!"

The French word for boy (and often 'waiter') is pronounced "garSOHN."  My title puns on caning by using the name of the American playwright, Garson Kanin (whose given name is pronounced with the accent on the first syllable.)  He is best known for Born Yesterday.

783. A Gourdian Naught(y)

A writer whose last name is Gray,
Word processes all of the day.
At night before slumber
She grabs a cucumber
To diddle her taco-shaped bay.

PD45-46. One nice, one with spice

A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.

While I sat with the Duchess at tea,
She inquired: "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied "Not a bit.
Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt that was one point to me.

782. Just plain silly

An old horse stall cleaner named Tucker
Did foolish things often, that fucker!
His acts were done visibly
And often quite risibly
For he was a goofy old mucker.

781. Time for Flomax

There was an old fellow named Ribble
Whose urologist caused him to quibble:
"It was not long ago,
That I had a strong flow.
Why is it I now only dribble?"

780. No Man's Land

A woman (and hardly a saint),
In regards to sex sure wasn't quaint.
Told a man "Pick a hole
And insert your hard pole --
Just don't miss and attack my sore taint!*"

* The area between the vagina and anus is properly called the perineum.  I've had the slang term "taint" explained to me as "'Tain't pussy, 'tain't ass."  I previously used the word in the title of #153, found here.

779. Guess what he asked for?

Love the unspoken but implied Spoonerism in this old joke...
A poor hen-pecked husband named Mears
Wore clothes that brought wifie to tears.
"Go to Cox's, you brute,
Buy a seersucker suit."
He got shook and went shopping at Sears.

778. Mix these? NaOH!

A curious youngster named Dewey,
Had ideas that often were screwy.
With his chemistry set
Got some sodium wet.
The result?  There was one big ka-blooey!
Click this to see an example.

PD43-44. Inequalities

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"

There once was a man from Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
The left one was small
(Almost no ball at all)
But the right one was huge and won prizes!

777. Paper Tiger

Golf's PGA Tournament -- the year's 4th and final "major championship" -- begins August 9th.  Maybe Tiger will break out of his slump (but I wouldn't bet on it.)
I've a love/hate affair with T. Woods,
And his case of "the misunderstoods."
Since divorce (did enrage 'er)
He's not won a major,
Just cannot deliver the goods.

776. Jism Spoonerism

A horny young rascal is Mick,
Each day he tries dipping his wick.
If unable to score
With some skanky old whore
He just stays at home whipping his dick.

775. Rapid Recovery

An aging but virile old queen
Could five times per hour get obscene.
Twice he'd bugger his friend
With his dick in his end,
And he'd jack off three times in between!

774. Technically challenged

An old man named Mordecai Jones,
Eschews trying to text with cell phones.
Can't see much at all
And the keys are so small
That he's better off speaking in tones.

773. International relations

If you don't know who he was, click his name...
A very smart statesman named Metternich

Spied a beauty, decided to get 'er quick.

He approached with this line:

"I can fuck you just fine

And there's no one alive gives a better lick!"

772. Shyster lawyer

Got the idea for this one from Boulderite's last Spoonerism in his comment to PD34 posted on May 10 of this year...

An ambulance-chaser named Sam,
Used methods that weren't worth a damn.
He wasn't prestigious
Instead, was egregious.
His practice was wholly a sham.

The word 'egregious' is a derivative of the Latin root "grex, gregis" meaning "flock" so egregious means "standing out from the flock."  It has pejorated over the years so that it is now almost always used to mean "noticeably bad."  Some other English words from that root are gregarious, congregate and segregate.

771. Search for vachina

There once was a drug-dealing Mandarin
Who upset his wife by philanderin'.
He employed a pimp
Whom he paid off with hemp
To offset the pimp's price for panderin.'
The hemp plant is also known as cannabis sativa -- marijuana.

764-770. 1st Anniversary

I now have completed one year
Of running this blog, and I fear
That my brain isn't fecund
Enough for a second
Still, hope I have brought you much cheer.

I've inscribed at least one every day,
But I'm 'bout out of things I can say
That are fresh, not absurd,
And don't bring up some word
That has heretofore come into play.

Though not calling it quits, I am tired,
Father Time's made me much less inspired.
'Stead of posting some poor
Ones the limerick du jour
Will now only appear when I'm wired.

I'm certain I'll post at least a few each week so keep checking in!  And now, as a present to you, my readers, here are two from each camp:

A woman with marvelous tits
Has nipples the size of peach pits!
Her boyfriend oft laps
At these humongous paps
While fondling her with his large mitts.

There once was a fellow named Pete
Who went to bed beating his meat.
He hadn't a tissue
To wipe up his issue,
Next morning was stuck to the sheet.

A young college student named Darrel,
Heads off to a library carrel.
His intent is to study
'Stead, texts with a buddy,
At test time he's over a barrel.

A pretty interpreter, Sophie,
Was also the mistress of Kofi
Annan* at the U.N.
Which made her a shoo-in
Each year for the Best Linguist trophy.
* He himself said it rhymes with 'cannon' but most people pronounced it 'uhNON' and I'm using that pronunciation to get proper rhythm in line 3.

763. HMS Bounty

A wicked ship's captain named Bligh
Was known for his critical eye.
He gave so much scrutiny
The crew staged a mutiny
And set him adrift for to die.
But if you know the story, Bligh and a few men didn't die in one of the greatest sailing feats ever.  The small boat the mutineers gave him was fitting because they thought he was a little dinghy...

762. Non-sensical

When his tractor got stuck in the muck
A farmer had run out of luck.
Since this lim'rick's in red
Guess it's time that I said
A bad word.  What the heck, how 'bout 'fuck'?

761. Can you stomach this one?

A sickly old fellow named Horace
Has trouble above his pylorus.
The doctors who've seen 'im
Say his duodenum
Ain't working because it's too porous.

OP31. Quality jollity

A viewer from Saskatchewan emailed me a few of his creations and this is one of them.  His own website can be found by clicking this.  Several good ones there!

A nerd sitting out in the sun
Was observing an orgy for fun
He found that the ratio
Of sex to fellatio
Was right around seven to one.

760. Lez is more

A lesbian known as Celeste,
With matters of death is obsessed.
She worships Anubis
While stroking her pubis
And licking her partner's right breast.

759. Sultry songstress

Love the starkness of only voice, bass, and guitar.  Click on the song title.
The clip is from "The Girl Can't Help It."
There aren't many things make me shiver,
And fewer things, still, make me quiver.
But one (more than fun)
Is to hear Julie Lon-
don's rendition of "Cry Me a River." 

(By the way, the Salhir is a Crimea river... ukraine look it up, I did.)

758. Pages stuck together

Adolescent boys find it a treat,
To regularly beat their meat.
Head for loo, lock the door,
Put Penthouse on the floor
And ejaculate while on the seat.

757. Trying to walk the Czech

A thirsty young rascal named Wilson,
Ran up a large tab drinking Pilsen.
When he got up to leave
The barkeep grabbed his sleeve:
"You're not leaving 'til you've paid your bill, son."

PD40-42. The canon roars

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em;
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

The Bishop was nobody's fool --
He'd been to a large public school;
He took down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With a twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew;
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."

756. Teutonic Teddy

Antiques Roadshow last night had a show bear
That looked as if it had had no care.
It was large and a Steiff
With ten decades of life,
Worth 20 Grand missing much mohair!

755. Bad fit

An Amazon tried 69
With a dwarf -- gave her feelings divine!
That is, down below
But her efforts to blow
Him put quite a big curve in her spine.

754. Worth what he pays

A retired old usher, Don Lee,
Now gets in the movies sans fee.
Today's flicks are so bad,
He sits there quite sad,
Just trying to fight off ennui.

753. Right up front

I'm dating a woman named Lunt,
Who has a magnificent cunt.
Her labia minor
Could hardly be finer,
Her clit's huge, I don't have to hunt.

752. Crime time rime

A man who could not pay his bills
Thought a bank heist would cure all his ills.
Alas, it did not
For he quickly got caught.
At "The Big House" a cell he now fills.

751. Business closing

I know of a filthy old whore
Who never gets johns any more.
For she is so ugly
Men will not get snuggly,
She might as well padlock her door.

750. A bit dicey

An unfortunate worker named Sam,
At the food plant got caught in a cam.
Was sliced by a sickle,
He's now in a pickle
Or maybe he's in a bad jam.
    Did that jar your sensibilities?

749. Flies in the ointment

There once was a filthy old faggot,
Whose dick made his boyfriend gag it.
Not because 'twas so long --
It seems that his dong
Was the dwelling of more than one maggot.

748. Catholicism solecism

A weary male trav'ler named Cabot
At a nunnery asked of the Abbot,
"May I sleep in the convent?
I've only one wan cent."
"OK.  Just don't get in a habit!"

747. Catholic tastes

While sucking the dick of a priest,
An altar boy suddenly ceased.
Said "I must stop these incidents,
I doubt it's coincidence
I taste on you Sister Anne's yeast."

746. Now you see him...

A magician, quite strange, a Bengali,
Considered himself a Svengali.
But he was so weird,
He once disappeared
And never returned, oh what folly!

745. No funnel be had

I know a young woman named Joan,
Whose pussy is shaped like a cone.
At its mouth it's six inches
But quickly it pinches
Down tightly and makes a guy groan.

PD38-39. Place names

A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
At the end of each chukker
He'd sneak off and fuck her
Horizontally, lat'rally, verkeley.

A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.

744. Sweltering

At 8:50 the temp's eighty-four!
No doubt there's a scorcher in store,
Nearly hot as Dubai.
Why's the 4th of July
Often have to reach one hundred four?

743. Coming out

In today's news, old Anderson Cooper
Announced he likes dick up his pooper.
Actually, didn't say
That, just said he was gay
But, regardless, fags think he's a trouper!

742. The plane truth

There is a girl pilot named King,
Who prays she will go on a fling
With some handsome young buck
But she's had zero luck.
Such is life on a prayer and a wing.

741. Dual tool

A cute Brooklyn lassie named Jen,
Has discovered she has quite a yen
For phallus-shaped dildos
With which she can kill those
Small crab lice which crawl 'round her den.

740. Author, author!

I know of an author named Byrne
Whose life has had many a tyrne.
When she wrote her memoir
She became quite a star,
And she hopes to outsell Jules Vyrne!

739. Rules of engorgement

An octogenarian, Bud,
Has a pecker that's mostly a dud.
He barely can piss
But the worst part is this:
He can't get enough blood to his pud.

738. Wish I had what she was having

Norah Ephron, that dear, got my vote
As a writer whom I loved to quote.
When Bernstein divorced her
She felt that he'd forced her
To shout out the name of "Deep Throat."

Which, supposedly, she would do at random times.  She had figured out from ex-husband Carl B's notes that "M.F." stood for Mark Felt.  If anyone asked why she was yelling Felt's name, she'd tell them!  The philandering husband in her 1983 novel "Heartburn" was modeled on her marriage to Bernstein.  Ephron wrote he was "capable of having sex with a Venetian blind."  Good obit. at THIS SITE.

737. Onan the barbarian

An old exhibitionist, Bland,
Would jack-off outside with his hand.
And he felt no guilt
At spilling his milt
On the sidewalk, the grass or the sand.
Genesis 38: 8-9 for the title's inspiration..

736. Disturbing

As I slept in the Las Vegas Hyatt,
From the corridor I heard a riot.
Opened door just a crack
Heard "It's Elvis!  He's back!!"
I resumed my night's sleep (didn't buy it.)

735. Setting the precedent

Said Eve in the Garden of Eden:
"I know, dear, there's something you're needin'.
But I won't come across
Just because you're the boss,
If you want some it's going to take pleadin'."

734. Oh, Dessa

An estranged wife whose first name is Dessa,
Went and found her a man to caress-a.
Her guilt from this sin
Made her sit down within
The confessional with The Confessa.

733. A new slant on things

I (while seeking out sex that was suitable)
Learned one stereotype is refutable.
On that happy occasion
I fucked me an Asian.
Who says the Chinese are inscrutable?

732. From dreidel to grave

A Jewish musician named Birge
Appears to be right on the verge
Of leaving this life
And all of its strife --
Start rehearsing the funeral dirge.

My title has two puns.  First, a child's Chanukah toy -- 'dreidel' -- to replace cradle.  Next, 'grave' as an adjective means solemn or serious, like a dirge.