OP229. Mad about, not at you

Follower S.H. from Nanaimo, BC placed first in last week's Mad Kane Limerick-Off with this clever entry.  It won out over 87 other entrants!  Congrats, Suz!

For church, we’ve got no time to spend
And the sermons we don’t comprehend
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy
We tend to pretend we attend.

The word to be rhymed was any of three.  She used 'em all in L5!!

1911. He had to settle for a cactus jack

There once was a man from La Jolla
Whose pecker had spines like a cholla
Although he tried shaving it
The girls were not craving it
They said, "It is hard to enjolla."

1910. When I say 'screw,' I mean it

There was an odd fellow named Phil
Who could give all the girls a real thrill
For he had a peenie
Shaped like a Bernini
Curled column.  It felt like a drill!

Picture is from inside St. Peter's Basilica,  Click for more detail, then hit Esc to return here.

1909. My titles' pungent aromas

I feel that I often do cram
My puns down your throats just like spam
See, I'm filled with ambition
And seek recognition
(My surname is ended with 'ham.')

Being a middle-child probably contributes to my need for attention.

1908. Toponym town?

I think you should open a store
Where the men would pay up 'fore they'd score
If you'll put it in Pakistan
Then I just might back ya, man
So long as you build in Lahore.
Damn, I wish that 'a' were long.

1907. Not so thankful with my tank full

The weather report calls for "murky"
So I'll stay inside eating turkey
Appetite like a gator's
Means dressing and 'taters
Will stuff me 'til I don't feel perky.

Happy Thanksgiving, USA!  Canadian followers celebrate it the 2nd Monday of October.

1906. If you catch my drip

A Welshman named Lloyd Llewellyn
Developed a keen sense of smellyn
He once passed a hall
In the town of Porthcawl
And remarked, "Girls do more here than dwellyn."

1905. Medically, it's an addadicktomy

There once was a maiden named Millie
Who wished she'd been born with a willie
Had a doctor attach
One in place of her snatch
But he left on her tits; she looks silly.

1904. Fleming Flailings

A South Belgian man, a Walloon,
Goes to bars but he's just a poltroon
When invited outside
This past weekend, he cried,
"Not right now.  How 'bout 31 June?"

Sorry.  That was sort of phlegmish, wasn't it?

1903. Take a bow. Please.

An odd musical man did astound
He played violin with a new sound
Dropping trou, stroked the strings
With his pecker and things
And just fiddledy-farted around.

1902. Was his birth year

John Steinbeck wrote well and it showed
His "Grapes of Wrath" featured Tom Joad
Okies felt lots of scorn
Headed toward Californ'
Which they reached by the old "Mother Road."
That's Route 66, almost entirely replaced by Interstates now.

1900-1901. Weird but revered

At interpreting Bach, one guy ruled
(In Canada he had been schooled)
His Goldbergs*, done twice
Were exceedingly nice
For you who don't know, 'twas Glenn Gould.

He often would hum as he'd play
And off-key!  He was strange in his day
Fugue, prelude, partita
None else played one neata
Whenever I hear, I "hurray!"

* J.S. Bach's famed Goldberg Variations.  Gould recorded (piano) two huge-selling, hugely-different interpretations of this fantastic work.

OP228. Not child's play

Another one based off an old joke.

An Elmo doll made with a dick'll
Have the factory put in a pickle
Said the boss, in a funk:
"Those with junk, they are junk.
I said, 'Twice give the doll a test tickle.'"

1899. They left sapped

There once was a vamp who was vapid
She loved men with strokes that were rapid
But her fav'rites were those
Guys with dicks like fire hose
When they'd pull out, her pussy just gapped.

OP227. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!

One day, my depraved younger brother

Met up with a simian mother

The sex was quite wild

Now they're having a child

And are trying again for another.

1898. More kudos

I also touted Mr. Mayer (say 'Myer') in #625.
When playing his oboe, Al Mayer
From me can't get praise any higher
If the phil from Berlin
Gives a concert, drop in!
He will prove that this Phil is no liar.

1897. Mal content

There once was a barber named Malcolm
Who'd pat you with powder called talcum
When done, he would whisk
You in manner quite brisk
If you thanked him, he'd mutter, "You're walcome."

1896. Flux incapacitator

If loose bowels strike, the mighty and meek'll
Both suffer when making their fecal
Deposits in loos
And they'd all rather choose
That their turds didn't trickle like treacle.

PD201. It's been tried

A practicing young gynecologist
Was a cunningly shrewd ideologist
Thought he, "Anesthesia
Will bring on amnesia
And patients will never recall a tryst!"

OP226. Poopoo platter

It's not sexual, but it is exceedingly gross.

I really could not tell you why
This fellow would choose to comply.
I'd have thought it was best
To ignore this request
But he didn't. 'Twas "Eat shit and die."

My favorite limerick joke

If you've been reading recent comments you know that there is an unofficial competition between David Reddekopp and me to see who can write the least-socially-redeeming limerick.  I'm reminded of a wonderful joke, told me by America's funniest and most-talented wordsmith, Richard Lederer.

A guy entered a dirty limerick contest with a $1,000 prize for the filthiest one.  He wrote a really nasty one -- just disgusting -- and sent it in but it didn't win.

Incredulous that someone could have written a limerick that was even dirtier than his, he called the sponsor of the contest to make sure his own submission had been received.  "Oh, yes," said the man, "and it came in 2nd but there was only one prize."

"Yes, I know that, but I just can't believe mine lost!  Would you mind mailing me a copy of the winning entry?"

"No way!  If the postal authorities got their hands on it, I'd surely be imprisoned!"

"Well, then, read it to me over the phone."

"Gosh, no!  Someone might be listening in and they'd report me!"

"Well, can you at least give me some idea of its filthiness?"

"How about I read you the least-offensive word, but then hang up quickly so this call can't be traced.  Are you ready?
 
"Shoot."

"OK... here goes.

Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH,
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH,
Duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-CUNT."

1895. How to make a woman scream twice

Start by saying, "I hope you like rapes,"
Then reel out your cock 'til she gapes
Now become really crass --
Fuck her hard in the ass
When you're done, wipe your dick on her drapes.

1894. Breaking down BJ's

What's the diff'rence 'tween love and true love
And "just showin off" by your dove?
If she spits, her love's plain
If she swallows, she'll reign,
But to gargle?  Beyond and above!

OP225. This suitor shucks

As long as we're telling spoonerism jokes (comments on OP224), I wrote a limerick based on one.  You should find it pretty easily.  It also qualifies over at Mad's this week.

The mafia paid him to snipe
But the marksman could not match the hype
Unlike the poor owl
Plugged up in his bowel
He'd shoot, but not hit, so they'd gripe.

1893. Non-family friendly

Have you recently watched Family Feud?
Host Steve Harvey's incredibly crude!
Things he says with a leer
You hope kids do not hear
I am shocked even though I'm no prude.

OP224. Drink every drop

Suzanne wanted me to do a limerick with "swallow" in it.  She may be rethinking that now.

I say oral sex is quite hollow
If my partner refuses to swallow
If the ink from my dink
Winds up in the sink
There's no furious fucking to follow.

OP223. Dirty money

As Canadian coins start to trickle
The censors are caught in a pickle
For the prudes in their pride
Are hoping to hide
The beaver displayed on the nickel.

PD199-200. Some strings attached

An eccentric young boy, name of Billy
Got his kicks tying strings round his willie
But one fateful night
He tied them too tight
And since then he's been known as "Millie."

There once was a man who played ping-pong
With the paddle tied onto his ding-dong
But the string was too tense
And the swelling immense
Now all the girls know him as King-Kong.

1892. What a boor

When the Lord God created Don Trump
It was kinda like He took a dump
Yes, when God pinched that loaf
We wound up with an oaf
Who we hope will soon get off the stump.

1891. Rear admirals

Proctologists look up the rectum
Men's prostates they feel to inspect 'em
These probes up the ass
Cause some guys to pass gas
As for gays, never fails to erect 'em.

1890. A tocque'n blackguard

There once was a chef born in Surrey
Whose specialties always used curry 
And when he would spatulate
He sometimes would flatulate --
The kitchen staff left in a hurry.

1889. Which hurt worse?

When kids of the past skinned their knees
They would cry, "Mommy, make it well, please."
If she reached for merthiolate
The sore grew inviolate
"It's fine, Mom, those tears were a tease."

Tincture of Merthiolate and/or Mercurochrome were always on hand in our medicine cabinet.  I can't adequately explain how it stung when poured on a cut!  This woman does a good job at her blog:

1887-1888. Isle admit I used to watch

Cried Gilligan, "Hey, I spy land!"
In a jiffy the lifeboat was manned
Planned as a diversion,
The Minnow's excursion
Found nothing but palm trees and sand.

Oh, my, Ginger's body was grand!
Did The Prof ever get "Mary Anned"?
The Howells and The Skipper
Remained very chipper
For reruns, just watch TV-Land.

1886. AKA "changing teams"

A December bride didn't take long
To discover she didn't like dong
This old Saggitarian
Turned vagitarian
Dumped the guy, sang a new song.

1885. Just say, "You're fired!"

November's 1st Tuesday is here
Know what that will mean in one year?
On that day we will vote us
A new four-year POTUS*
If Donald Trump wins, better fear.
* President of the United States

1884. She found nothing suite about it

Nearly nude, and on sun's rays a'feasting
Immodest Sue suffered a bee sting
It first came to rest
On one ample bare breast
But it struck near a hair on her G-string.
JS Bach's Orchestral Suite #3 includes the famed "Air on the G-string."

1883. Well, fugit

It's November.  My!  How this year's flown
I would guess that I am not alone
In my feeling that time
Flies the most "past one's prime"
And I'm definitely in that zone.