PD240-247. The long and the short of it

There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose equipment was simply immense
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry it thither and thence.

A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish."

A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
"'He's the Scourge from the East,
 That lascivious beast
And is known as Attila the Hung!"

There was a young man from Berlin
Whose tool was the size of a pin
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his shaft,
"Well, this won't be much of a sin."

There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope---she did---
To see if he'd gotten it in.

There was a young Turkish cadet --
And this is the damnedest one yet --
His dick was so long
And incredibly strong
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

An unfortunate fellow named Hall
Confessed, "I have only one ball
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick
For the girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose dick was exceedingly nimble
But so fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
He kept it encased in a thimble.

2184. Did a homo phone?

A gay climber got his first peek
At Denali, Alaska's huge peak
But his effort to scale
Ended up "epic fail"
So he left in a bad fit of pique.

2183. Sledding onward

Hil's the nominee, Prez she may gain!
Husband Bill uttered, "I feel your pain."
Liz Warren got shafted
'Cause Ms. Clinton drafted
That Tim guy -- her Citizen Kaine.
If you've seen the movie, my title makes sense.

OP338. Just following orders

Based off of another joke I heard.  Songs are linked.

They played "Jump", and I jumped.  What a scene!
Then "The Twist", and I twisted.  It's been
Quite an evening, no doubt
But I then was thrown out
When the DJ played "Come on Eileen."

2182. Shoulda called it a morn

After spending the whole night a'shaggin'
A hooker's poor ass was a'draggin'
She solicited one more
But should have said, "Done," for
That cop called the damned paddy wagon.
So she never got the undercover under cover.

OP327-337. Happy Anniversary to the Show it Blow it Know it Poet

The following is a response to Phil's limericks below titled "Five years down, ?? to go"
So read that one first, will ya?

Congratulations are in order
Yes, from 'Technotard,' north of the border
You limerick fox
If lims came in a box
My whole place would look like I'm a hoarder.

It was nine months since our paths had crossed
On a site where the 'spill' word was tossed
Back and forth, in October
(I'm sure I was sober)
A bond of goodwill was not lost.

A click of the mouse on your name
Led me to a strange site which became
A curious place
Where I'd blush in the face
And my brain cells were all set aflame.

Some verses were shocking, worth scorning
At least, the red ink gave me warning
But your pun 'expertease'
Was a thing sure to please
What a way to begin every morning!

And then there's your sidekick named Dave
A prairie Canuck who's quite brave
His talent just soars
And blends so well with yours
I just read, as I rant and I rave.

Some readers - rejective, selective
Don't see from another perspective
For if they'd be aware it
Has artistic merit
They'd not be so blindly corrective.

Nothing worse than bein' stuck with a prude
To dampen and ruin the mood
But you're crazy, lighthearted
I know if I farted
You'd laugh and blame that on my food.

Was I worthy to join, more or less?
Wasn't sure if I failed to impress
When you didn't yet budge
Then a nice gentle nudge
From Dave swayed final judgment to 'Yes'!

My vocab'lary increase just forces
My IQ to grow (I've my sources)
And lo and behold
I got smarter, I'm told
They don't know I've 'enrolled' in your 'courses'!

When I thought that your content disgraced you
It gave me such joy to lambaste you
Shut you down? Never would!
As I soon understood
That no other nut could have replaced you.

If you keep up momentum and drive
Then your blog will just thrive, stay alive
So clever, so funny
Prolifically punny
Testost'rone - let spill
On your lim'rick zone, Phil
Happy milestone of year number five!

2174-2181. Five years down, ?? to go

I started my blog on this date
Didn't have all that much on my plate
Most lims found at Reddit™
Did not deserve credit
I hoped my new site would be great.

Began posting these lines in '11
Tried to int'rest my oldest child, Kevin,
In reading and vetting;
He thought I was getting
Too filthy as I tried to leaven

The spirits of folks who might read
Those printed in red, which could lead
To familial shame.
Have I brought the Graham name
To the depths?  Was I wrong not to heed?

Could be, but 2,000+ later
I'd like to think I've made 'Graham' greater
By bringing some joy
To each girl and each boy
Who laughs when I write like a satyr.

But, hey!  I post clean ones as well
They're in black print; that way you can tell
Those which will not offend ---
Ones you might even send
To your preacher and not go to hell.

Five long years, but I'd do it again
Hope my lines, red and black, made you grin
The puns that I've pasted
May seem like "time wasted"
(At least written with, not from pen!)

As today I commence some more years
And try to deserve readers' cheers
Don't feel nickeled and dimed,
Surely I've not yet rhymed
Every word that I've heard with my ears

I can't sing like Mario Lanza
I'm no X-dresser -- won't wear organza
But I hope you will say,
"That Phil has a way
With writing a limerick stanza."

2173. 69+ on I-70.

Two horny young gals and a male
Stopped and parked their car goin' to Vail
They had 'em a 3-way
Out there by the freeway
Which landed their asses in jail.

2172. Insect inside

My youngest, a very nice daughter,
Found a bug floating in her ice water
Her house was infested
And so she invested
In cans of Raid™ and a fly swatter.

OP323-326. David, save us some cake!

I like the icing; Phil will eat what's inside.

Happy birthday there, Dave, birthday boy!
You deserve something more than a toy
A girl jumps out your cake
With big boobs that ain't fake
Wearing just a smile, bringing you joy!

I know this might sound kinda funny
But I wish you a big pile of money
You ought to get more
Like a knock at your door
By a stark naked hot Playboy bunny

I would gladly help out (yes, I'm bold)
But I think that I may be too old
So just don't you pout
If you're doing without.
Look at me, an old maid growing mold.

Gettin' laid is what you should be plottin'
By a nymph that is just hot to trottin'
Oh I know that it is
Simply none of my biz
Either way, I hope you get spoiled rotten!

2171. "Come back with condoms, you jerk!"

Unprotected, they fucked doggy-style
Man pulled early (they wanted no chile')
As he splattered his cum
On the sheets and her bum
He remarked, "I'll be back in a while."

2169-2170. AWAD toughies

The final word in each of these was featured this past week.
LBJ, as he sat at his desk,
Felt too old for a swift arabesque
He was feeling so bleak
Wrote a speech: "I'll not seek
Nomination" --- an act Shermanesque.

Golfers have to contend with their duff'rage
While sailboats won't move when there's luff'rage
But elections run better
Since we took the fetter
Off women by granting them suffrage.

I don't think suffrage has any true rhymes.  When that happens, you improvise.  If Ogden could do it...

2168. Hank Yank

A horny young voyeur named Bauer*
Had a neighbor he dreamed he'd deflower
At her window, he'd jack
While he peeked through a crack
In the blinds as she undressed to shower.

*Hank Bauer played for the NY Yankees in the 50's and 60's.  Take my title either way!

2167. Causing a spat?

There once was a food judge named Muriel
Whose temper you'd label "mercurial."
If she disliked a bite
She'd expel it in spite
When judging events epicurial.

OP322. Caesar teaser, or, Antony Averse

There is a resemblance between the fictionalized oration delivered in Rome on March 15, 44 B.C., and the work of fiction uttered by U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz in Cleveland, Ohio, this evening.  In each case the speaker was forbidden to openly denigrate the Powers-that-Be.  Could Cruz similarly turn the tables using the rhetorical irony of Marc Antony?

Here’s how “Lying Ted” Cruz hatched a plan
To tonight flout the “Bash Donald” ban.
     He’ll rely on The Bard
     To provide this petard:
“Liar says, ‘Trump’s an hon’rable man.’”

“Brush up your Shakespeare” (but don’t Kiss Me, Caitlyn) by reviewing Antony’s clever elegy from Julius Caesar, Act III, scene ii, lines 79-113.

PD235-239. Fellated best wishes

A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition
Her remarkable diet
(I think you should try it)
Was only each client's emission.

A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."

A sweetheart, Teresa Van Arden,
Went down on her beau in the garden
He said, "Good lord, Tess,
Do not swallow that mess "
And the girl replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved it when nibbling a peter
She always would say,
"I prefer it this way.
For I find it to be so much neater."

OP321. She says 'ah'

It isn't just Donald who'll con ya
It's also the gorgeous Melania
"I don't steal my speech
From zee Obama beetch,"
She insists, "Just her speenich lasagna."

This came via email from friend Steve Benko after he'd read #2166 (below.)  I emailed back that I was rather proud NOT to have known how she pronounced her first name...

Not only does Steve's limerick pronounce it correctly, it's also much better than mine.

2166. Odium from the podium

In Ohio (hard by Pennsylvania)
Things can hardly become any zania
Kasich hasn't shown up
But the Dems have thrown up
Over plagiarized lines from Melania.

2165. How to leave your Hamlet

A man from Cape Town named Gerard
Once plugged up his asshole with lard
Tryin' to fart through that grease; he
Blew to the Zambezi
Yes, hoist with Gerard's own petard!
Act3, Scene iv (w/o Gerard...)

2164. A 'Hobson's Choice' (for me, anyway)

Ads for candidates now fill the air
But of facts, they're exceedingly bare
With much obfuscation
And confabulation
How's one s'posed to choose 'tween this pair?
While Clinton v. Trump is the germ of this one, I feel that way for nearly every election.

2163. It's good to be the king

A randy old king in his mansion
Had a dick that stood up like a stanchion
What he did with his queen
Could be labeled "obscene"
Such as fucking her titties gargantuan.
I nearly spelled it 'garganchion' so as not to be criticized for the near-rhyme.
Hope my title brooks no ill-will with "History of the World, Part 1" folks.

2162. But will they reimburse anybody?

Does 'The Donald' have one lick of sense?
What might the man do to convince?
He has chosen a creep
Who'll kiss ass as his Veep
They'll be called by the Dems, "Rectum-Pence."

2161. Nothing 'conventional' about their candidate

In Cleveland, Republicans gather
They'll sermonize like Cotton Mather
And remove that 'presump
tive' description of Trump
But mainly they'll all simply blather.

2160. Le jour de gloire est arrivé!

In France, today's quite a big deal
Celebrating how peasants did feel
'Bout the Sixteenth King Louis,
His reign went kablooey
The day that they stormed the Bastille.
My title is from the opening line of the French Nat'l. anthem.  Actually, Louis XVI wasn't deposed until August, 1792  but 7/14/1789 is recognized as the beginning of the French Revolution.  You purists will forgive my forcing the L's to be sounded in "Bastille."

2159. Home off the range

A cowboy with spurs that did jingle
Was fond of a genital tingle
As a general rule
Got off loping his mule
But when given the chance, he'd commingle.

2158. ABD*

Herr Trump's POTUS hopes we must bust
(How is it his hair's never mussed?)
Else he'll build that damned wall
Then all money recall
Reissued, "In Donald We Trust."

*In the world of academia, that means 'all but dissertation' and refers to doctoral candidates.  I'm preempting it to mean, "anybody but donald."

2157. Taking on all comers

A 40's Brit hooker was barmy
The U.S. troops labeled her 'smarmy'
But her tough little cunt
Could take on the brunt
Of Gen'ral George Patton's 3rd army.
Actually, the 3rd Army fought in N. Africa, Italy, France and Germany.  Maybe I should replace "U.S." in L2 with "U.K." and have L5 read, "Of Bernard Montgom'ry's 8th Army."

2145-2156. Twelve with a twist

Inspired by David's multi-stanza joke in OP316-320 and Suzanne's regular lengthy ones.

She was having a drink at the bar
When she spotted a hunk from afar
Both handsome and buff
She could not get enough
But something looked rather bizarre...

He was cut like he lived in a gym
Just could not take her eyes off of him
She imagined his weenie,
Picked up her martini
And found her tongue licking the rim.

His features were those of a Roman
Not one single hair needed combin'
She slipped off her chair
To head over there
And straight to his table went homin'

With muscles much like old King Kong
His attraction was ever so strong
As she told him her name
Her mind tried to frame
How to casually ask what was wrong

She said, "You're a sight for sore eyes
But I can't overcome my surprise.
These remarks aren't rehearsed
But I can't be the first
To ask, 'Why's your head half normal size?'"

He replied, "Let me buy you a drink
And I'll tell you what caused it to shrink."
The woman complied,
And sat down by his side
But wasn't sure what she should think.

He said, "I was born very thin
No muscles, and ugly as sin
One day, walking the beach,
I happened to reach
For a bottle that once had held gin.

As I brushed off the sand, smoke poured out
Plus a genie who let out a shout:
"I've been saved from the fishes!"
She said, "You've three wishes,
I'll grant them -- of this have no doubt."

No more than three seconds I took
To say, "I just hate how I look."
Can you give me the features
Of movie star creatures?"
Then, POOF!  My entire visage shook.
 
Next she said, "Tell me what you'd like second."
Again, I quite rapidly reckoned,
"Make me 6-2 and brawny
With skin that is tawny."
Another POOF!  My new self beckoned...

For she saw what my wishes had wrought
And must have become very hot
Clothes went flying and soon
I was having some poon,
A thing theretofore I'd had not.

I was fully alive (I'd been dead)
Should've kept my mouth shut but I said
Words I've always regretted
As we screwed and sweated,
"Could I have, um, a little head?"

2143. Breakfast Epiphanies

There once was an author named Tanner
Who published a book on Blythe Danner
Whatever he wrote he
Wrote just like Capote
All done in a limp-wristed manner.

PD233-235. Rottenly redolent

A chap down in Old Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Caused by impotence, size and aroma.

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had only one tit
And smelled like shit
But look at the bucks he did save!
 
There was an old harlot of Wick
Who was sucking a coal-heaver's prick.
She said, "I don't mind
All the coal dust and grime,
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."
Sorry for the near-rhyme of L3-4.  Blame the unknown author.

OP316-320. When magic turns tragic

Another old joke.

A cowboy one day set up camp
And nearby was a dirty old lamp
When he rubbed it, a djinn
Was released from within
So he figured his looks he'd revamp

With his first wish he sought to replace
His old mug with a handsome new face
With this marvelous mask
He just needed to ask
And the women would wildly embrace

For his second, he wished to be strong
And the cowboy was ripped before long
For the genie did hustle
To give him some muscle
That done, he moved on to his dong

To the genie, with powers enchanted
The cowboy dismounted and ranted
"It's my third wish, of course
To be hung like this horse!"
Said the genie, "Your wishes are granted."

When you wish from a genie, take care
You may get what you wish for, beware!
He was shocked what the genie
Had done to his weenie
You see, he'd been riding the mare.

2142. Kicking butts

I've a friend with a case of the frantics
He's real nervous and keeps pulling antics
Wants to put off his croaking
By giving up smoking
But needs a prescription for Chantix™.

2141. "The pill" is lots cheaper

You'll recall that I promised a verse
About maidens awaiting 'the curse'
When those unmarried cunts
Haven't bled for two months
They oft seek an abortionist nurse.

2138-2140. Return of the native

After taking nine days off to roam
I am so fucking glad to be home!
Driving 1200 miles
In two days brings no smiles
Crazy drivers can make your mouth foam.

Yes, I'm back from my lengthy sojourn
And suppose it again is my turn
To attempt to regale
Or, with philth, to assail
Readers' tender ears until they burn.

'Though I can't be compared to John Ciardi
And certainly not Thomas Hardy
Soon I'll use 'cunt' or 'piss'
As I rhyme 'bout a miss
Who got laid and whose period is tardy.

OP310-315. Return of the man's man

Bet you're waiting to read something dirty
Well, the best I can do is go flirty -
There once was a fella
Who kissed Cinderella
And helped her remove her nightshirty.

Fairy Godmother'd said, "I'm not mean
But by midnight come back to this scene
If you're late, then I fear
That your diaphragm, dear
Will once more be an old trampoline."

And so that is the best I can do
If I've dashed all your hopes, then boohoo!
Being filthy's not easy
I'd just look too sleazy
But David (again) might come through...

Hey Steve, won't you give it a whirl?
Go ahead, you're a man, not a girl
I'm sure you'll be met
With applause then, I bet
Give your talent a chance to unfurl!

Sure that when Phil returns from his trip
He'll just let the testosterone rip
Big bare boobies will bounce
Perky peckers will pounce
He'll let more than an ounce of goo drip!

Ev'rything will be right back to normal
Uncensored, disgusting, informal
You'll be laughing, then crying
With body parts flying
First teasing, then seizing
Then squeezing, then easing
Then pleasingly sleazy/abnormal!

OP309. His Independence Day, unfortunately

Some good fortunes can be, and some can’t.

Sometimes offers are made which enchant.

     Okie title hopes slayed,

     He sought champs; Frisco bade,

And the Thunder lost Kevin Durant.

On July 4, superstar free agent Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors who had squeezed past his Oklahoma City squad to play for the NBA championship. I guess KD figured, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” 

OP304-308. Happy Fourth of July, America the Beautiful!

Happy birthday there, U.S. of A!
Put your red, white and blue on display
Have a grand celebration
Of your lovely nation
You rouse admiration today!

Your fireworks, parades, none can match it
Your enthus'asm bug, gotta catch it!
You're a fabulous host
So let's all raise a toast
Where we're itching the most, you sure scratch it!

Go ahead, toot your horn, you can boast
Of achievements you've made coast to coast
Your movies, the arts
Touch the coldest of hearts
Your tourist attractions
Are splendid distractions
Technology, science
Some lit'rary giants
Poets so jocular
(One in particular)
For a past you may yearn
There's rich hist'ry to learn
And your music so sweet
Makes my heart skip a beat
Apple pie is your treat I like most.

Your politics, so entertaining
Our int'rest in that's never waning
And there is this rumor
You invented humor
You ought to be proud
Go ahead, you're allowed
So don't worry, the crowd's not complaining.

But there's something you're REALLY known for
To the world's oppressed, y'opened the door
Justice, liberty, peace
And compassion don't cease
Let the love just increase all the more!

Happy 240th birthday, Neighbor!

OP301-303. The perks of aging

I can't wait to retire for Pete's sakes!
I'm so tired and my body just aches
This nonstop hamster wheel
Is a-making me feel
Like an automobile with no brakes.

My 'best before' date has expired
But it's ten more years till I'm retired
I don't get a raise
And for what the job pays
I just might as well get myself fired!

Oh wait, I can't! I'm self-employed!
Now my chance to get pogey's destroyed
So it's back to the grind
Can't let bills fall behind
Being homeless, I find, I'll avoid.

OP298-300. Is a cannibal bannable?

My friend whose old in-laws did stay
Said he had them for lunch yesterday
As I wore a straight face
I asked calmly, with grace
"So were they the dessert or entrée?"

This cannibal made my nerves rattle
Should I go to the cops now and tattle?
If I squeal and resist
I'd be next on his list
Oh my head's in a twist; what a battle!

There's a program called 'Witness Protection'
But I'll still change my hair and complexion
I'll look over my shoulder
And as I get older
I hope to escape his detection.

OP293-297. Who's Canadian, eh?

As a guest blogger, that's just my luck
Because I'm just a little Canuck
And oh, by the way
Happy Canada Day
To all north of the border, yukyuk!

That's our version of Fourth of July
Independence made everyone high
As the fireworks go off
You just know you can't scoff
At the feeling that money can't buy.

My faith in Canuck foods - unshaken
Poutine, maple syrup and bacon
The best for my tummy -
Nanaimo bar (yummy!)
Our salmon's great too, no mistakin'!

We may not be much of a wealth heir
Or invent high-tech 'lectronic stealthware
But we smile and we labor
We're just your north neighbor
We're unarmed Amer'cans with health care.

Forgive me for bein' patriotic
I'm just silly, straightforward, psychotic
In three days it's your turn
When it comes, you will learn
That I'm not really all that neurotic!