992. Mother Goose is turning in her grave

To a girl nicknamed 'Pumpkin', a tweeter,
Replied Peter that he'd like to meet 'er.
They hooked up real soon
And his tongue made her swoon.
His name now includes 'Pumpkin eater.'

991. Devilish doings

A Wiccan who wanted some lovin'
Chose a strapping young man from her coven.
He used no protection
On his big erection,
She now has a bun in the oven.

989-990. Investigative native

There is a young sleuth from New Guinea,
Undernourished and terribly skinny.
He's shaped like a rail
And his weight it does fail
To come up to a buck and a penny.

Though sometimes he's not law-abiding
(Which makes the police give him chiding),
With his slender physique
It is easy to sneak --
He can use any phone pole for hiding!

In baseball, money is sometimes used to describe a low batting average.  For example, "He's only hitting a buck seventy five" means his average is .175, so this guy weighs under 101.

OP97. Taking on all comers

There once was a woman named Julie
Whose sex drive was really unruly
By the bold and the nervous
Her cervix got service
She would have sex with anyone. Truly.

988. One flame below, one above

A man up in old Saskatoon
Tried to fuck in a hot-air balloon.
The heat of the gas
Really reddened his ass
Which made him look like a baboon.

I don't know about Dave Reddekopp but I'm now Canada dry.

OP96. Nothing down under

This was one of my first ever:

I reckon it's time I regale ya
With a tale of a man from Australia
He cheated on his wife
So she took out her knife
And she left him without genitalia.

987. Maybe that was just Charlton Heston

There once was a Hebrew named Moses
In death, short of Canaan, he dozes.
Appointed God's Advoc-
ate, created havoc
By using his outstretched-arm poses.

OP90-95. O Canada!

Okay, I'll finish this cross country tour off:

There once was a man, an Albertan
Who'd be found sitting at the bar, flirtin'
With a girl who walked by
But this angered her guy
Every bone in his body's now hurtin'.

Alberta.  This one wasn't even dirty.

There once was a man from Laval
Who was trying to screw with his gal
But when under her hood
He wasn't so good
She said "dans le lit, vous etes tres mal."

Quebec.  She's saying he's bad in bed.

There once was a Muslim, a Newfie
Not Sunni, not Shiite, but Sufi
And although his religion
Was against this decision
He still slipped his girlfriend a roofie.

Newfoundland.  And see, I don't only pick on the Christians.

There once was a man from Halifax
Whose girlfriend was a very cute gal, in fact
But her bottom drawer can
Make him feel less a man
She said "yes, all my toys are phallic, Max."

Nova Scotia down.  So is he, I bet.

I know a young girl from New Brunswick
Who is not satisfied with just one dick
She's not happy until
There's no hole left to fill
And what happens from there makes the nuns sick.

New Brunswick, of course.

I know a man, he's PEI's
He buys the girls drinks, tells them lies
But they laugh out of shock
When they look at his cock
Like his province, long name, but small size.

Prince Edward Island, the tiniest province in Canada.

And that's all of them.

986. At least he won't die of a stroke

A very strong-moraled old reprobate
Amazingly, won't ever masturbate.
He's steadfastly refusing
To try self-abusing --
That's odd 'cause his sex life is second rate.

985. Party pooper

An Indian mogul named Peeyat
Gave all of his orders by fiat.
"No premarital sex"
Put a definite hex
On teens' fun, they remarked, "Where's the glee at?"

984. Presto change-o

A one-time girl friend of Dave Feherty's
Wouldn't fuck, so he slipped her cantharides.
When the bitch got the twitch
From the Spanish Fly's itch,
She was crazed like Ophelia and Laertes.

Feherty is a former pro golfer who does hilarious golf commentaries and interviews.  Ophelia and her brother, Laertes, were both mad characters in Hamlet.

983. The oval orifice

A pharmacist named Scaramouche
Had a wife who knew not how to douche.
He concocted a mixture
And drew her a picture
Which looked somewhat like a cartouche.

982. Come here often? What's your sign?

There once was a dissipate bastard
Who bar-hopped for gals who were plastered.
But he was a lemon
At hitting on women,
Good pickup lines he never mastered.

OP89. Last one-night stand

Continuing with my series on the Great White North (and it is very white these days):

There once was a man from Yellowknife
Who slept with another man's mellow wife.
Her hubby, he sought him
Took aim, then he shot him
And took the promiscuous fellow's life.

I have Alberta, Quebec and the Maritime provinces to go...

OP88. Inverse, perverse, and in verse

Well, I've decided to cover every province and territory in Canada on here.  Hello, Manitoba.

There once was a man from Winnipeg
Who got caught with his dick in a mini-keg
He felt so perverted
His penis inverted
His outie peg now is an innie peg.

981. You know who you are

And a hearty "Welcome back to Limerick Land!"
His libido, I'll bet, is most staunch
When it comes time to bugger the haunch
Of his Latino mon
Down in Boca Raton.
Quel dommage were there failure to Lonch!

PD73-74. Oldies and goodies

There was an old fellow from Lyme
Who married three wives at a time;
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime."

A venturesome three-week old chamois
Strayed off in the woods from his mamois,
And might have been dead
But some picknickers fed
Him with sandwiches, milk and salamois.

980. Hymen-rhymin'

There once was a young man named Jerry
Who thought he could bust his date's cherry.
Spent ninety bucks splurgin',
Tried urgin', the virgin
Refused to give in (too contrary.)

979. About vase!

A very poor woman named Duff
Heretofore led a life that was tough.
She worked making pottery
But just won the lottery!
Still throws, but it's money for stuff.
I wonder how much she urned before winning?

OP87. This pope's a dope

So those Catholics, they chose a new pope
With a new man, you'd think there'd be hope
Will he punish, at least
All the pedophile priests?
Based on early returns so far, nope.

And this jerkoff had the gall to say gay adoption was child abuse. Never mind that it obviously isn't, but he'd do well to remember a passage from his own holy book, spoken by Jesus himself.  Matthew 7:5 - "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."  And people wonder why I hate religion.

978. Lambasted lips

A horny old bitch name of Glenda,
Setup for herself an agenda.
She decided to screw
Every man whom she knew
And it rubbed raw her rosy pudenda.

OP86. Irish I hadn't

There once was a woman from Cork
Who'd a visit one day by the stork
For upon close inspection
They did not have protection
He did not want to spoon, but to fork.

Happy St Patty's Day!

977. Happy St. Pat's

A sweet Irish colleen named Flora
Exudes such a wondrous aurora
That if ever you spy
This girl passing by
'Twill make you say "faith and begorrah!"

Q.  Who is Irish and sits by the swimming pool?
A.  Paddy O'Furniture

976. I hope this one doesn't suck well...

An oyster bar worker named Tuckwell
Took up French Horn 'cause he couldn't shuck well.
His wife told him, "Barry,
Your dick may be hairy
But that doesn't mean that you fuck well."
Sorry, I hate limericks where the 1st two lines have nothing to do with the ending.  Barry Tuckwell is an eminent horn player, great with the valves but I don't know that he ever worked with bivalves.

975. Way beyon' the Yukon

I'd hate to live up in Point Barrow
Where the temperature range is quite narrow.
A real superhero
Mayn't mind below zero
But I get chilled through to the marrow.

OP85. The prospects of prospectors

Damn you, now you got the wheels turning in my brain...

It was cold every day in the Yukon
Everyone who went out had their toque on.
By day travellers of old
Would come mining for gold
And by night they would go get their fukon.

Well, gotta stay warm somehow...

OP84. Another unlucky Canuck

Why not, another Canadian one.  Ontario needs to be represented.

There once was a man from Toronto
And a girl that he'd love to get onto
He wanted to fuck her
But was out of luck. Her
Reply was "no way, I don't want to!"

974. Out-of-luck Canuck

Poster Dave Reddekopp is from Saskatchewan and may enjoy this one -- that is, if he doesn't suffer from the same affliction!
There once was a man from Gaspé
Who found him a chick he could lay.
His peninsular dick
Wasn't long, wasn't thick.
Said the girl, "So that's all ya got, eh?"

973. No success with sweet talk

There once was a husband named Carl
Who referred to his wife as his darl-
ing.  But this didn't help
And she often would yelp
With her face in a terrible snarl.

OP83. Wordy, but dirty

I'm a writer of poems disgusting
Full of sucking and fucking and lusting
But what can I say?
That's the limerick way
So my verses don't need much adjusting.

OP82. An uncommon limerick

I tell you, to give you some clarity
Most limericks are filled with vulgarity
But this one is clean
If you know what I mean
And in that sense it's really a rarity.

972. (Not a) Laster of Paris

To his date said a Frog (a Grenouille),
"Nous allons to my car and I'll scrouille."
He came prematurely,
The girl said demurely,
"Mon Dieu, Philippe!  I hardly knouille!"
That's "knew ya" in the Biblical sense.

971. Turning the other cheek

Coach Sandusky, that old pedophile,
Won't be buggering boys for a while.
Since he went off to prison
The dicks which have risen
Were others', and Coach didn't smile.

Poster Okiejokey previewed this one and asked that I provide a link to his very first post, which WASN'T a limerick but did reference Mr. Sandusky (and very cleverly!)  Click HERE to read his Christmas song parody.  Then click your browser's 'back button' to return here.

970. Driving while drooling

While cruising along on I-10
A man dribbled spit down his chin.
As he reached for a wipe
Gave a truck a sideswipe!
The police notified next-of-kin.

969. Too strong a test-line?

After six months at sea catching fish,
An angler picked up a cute dish.
When she stripped he said, "God!
You smell just like a cod!"
Pissed her off.  He did not get his wish.

968. Five-finger exercise

There used to be (maybe still?) a product called "5 Day Deodorant Pads."  Here's one about a 5-Day Whip Sock...

An unusual bastard named Babbitt
Had a kinky and quite nasty habit.
He liked to make love
To a tight-fitting glove
Which was lined with the fur of a rabbit.

967. Should have tried nit-picking

There once was a woman named Bridget
With crabs 'round her twat --  made her fidget.
She decided to try
To remove them with lye.
Crabs are gone, so are pubes, what an idjit!

966. Recumbent rumblings

I have me a brother named Steve
Whose snoring you wouldn't believe!
It's loud and it's constant.
Please stop it this onstant
Or else a swift punch you'll receive!

965. Can't win -- too much vin

The golfer, Camilo Villegas,
Skipped tourneys to visit bodegas.
Sampled so many cabs
That he got flabby abs.
No one bets on him now in Las Vegas.

PD72. Inci-dental humor

‘Open wide,’ said a dentist with grace
To the anxious old virginal face.
‘You may feel now, Miss South,
 A small prick in your mouth  – ’
 She cried, ‘Hardly the time or the place!’
This one, along with many other good ones can be found at
http://www.limericks.davidalanbrooks.com/
Click on a category from the banner across the top.

964. Urethra gonna like this or not...

Princess Kate was on fire for his load
But Prince Will had a quite-plugged-up doad.
Said, "I'll have to create us
A brand new meatus
Or else my poor dick may explode!
  The meatus (me-AY-tus) is the opening in the head of the penis.

963. Tell us, what eels you?

A guy, tired of playing the tuba,
Decided to learn how to scuba.
But on his first foray
Got bit by a moray.
This happened somewhere off Aruba.

962. Woman rapist

A bitch from Madrid named Drucilla
Was as mean as an angry gorilla.
She'd pick up a rover --
When screwing was over
She'd beat him up inside her villa.

961. How to lower your score

In golf, you are expected to hole every putt.  An exception is if you've left your previous shot so close to the hole that your opponent concedes the putt.  This is called a "gimme."  Too often, the player makes the concession to himself -- sometimes very liberally, i.e., the ball lays 3' or more from the cup.

One way of determining whether it is virtually unmissable is to place the putter head in the cup and extend the shaft out toward the ball.  If the ball is nearer to the cup than the bottom of the putter grip, it is said to be "in the leather" and can be picked up (in a friendly game) with one more stroke added to your score.

There once was a golfer named Jimmy
Who thought every putt was a gimme.
He didn’t care whether
‘Twas inside the leather,
Just wanted to be in this limmie.