OP291-292. One-track mind

There's one type of train I have caught
But no tickets for it can be bought
It once quickly snowballed
Then it crawled till it stalled
I think it is called 'train of thought.'

I bet today's title you're viewing
Left you thinking there's naughtiness brewing
Being somewhat unkind
I'm afraid you will find
It was just with your mind I was screwing.

OP289-290. Educate, animate, fascinate, motivate, liberate, graduate and procreate

Over yesterday's lim'ricks I'm hovering
And hoping I'll soon be recovering
Well, don't be surprised
If you see publicized
Extra titbits you'll soon be discovering.

That Dave boy should hold sex-ed classes
Teach with humor and rhyme to the masses
With standing room only
He'll never be lonely
They'll laugh till they fall on their asses.

OP288. Two dozen dozen, cousin

On vaginas, our verse is verbose
And on cocks, we are coming too close
To crossing a line
Although I think it's fine
But this limerick?  Good grief!  It's two gross!

OP283-287. The Vagina Monologues

A gay man whose hair was quite bushy
Knew everyone called him a wuss. He
Had resilience resounding
Took plenty of pounding
(Not so much unlike your mom's pussy)

A lady who's laid a whole lot
With no condom, will wish she had not
If you let them all hit
Without covering it
Then you're simply a twit with a twat

I think I may have to be blunt
For a woman thinks it's an affront
With this word thrust upon her
To me, there is honor
In having (not being) a cunt

My woman and I are a match
She is an incredible catch
And the sex is just right
(Though a little bit tight)
So I always will snatch at her snatch

I'll date her, I'll wine her, I'll dine her
But to fuck her, my friend, nothing's finer
Though something smells fishy
No straight man would wish he
Weren't balls deep inside her vagina.

Sorry for the L1 near-rhyme - pussy is a hard word to rhyme.

2137. Eight is just right

I am leaving the limericking (for the most part) to Suzanne, David, and brother Steve for the next 8 days.

We're in SC, the town is Mount Pleasant
My love of grandkids hasn't lessen't
They are Nora and Tommy,
The way that grandmommy
Spends money, I'll soon be a peasant.

OP281-282. Eat, drink, and go hairy

There's a secret I'd like to divulge
To be happy, it's good to indulge
Yummy steaks, barbecues
All washed down with some brews
Then a half hour snooze
Then some chocolate, more booze
Which I just can't refuse, though I bulge.

That's okay, 'cause tomorrow I'll diet
I'll get fit just by joining a riot
Like an anti-Trump rally
That's just up my alley
My weight-loss finale, I'll try it!

OP278-280. Precious little brats, er, darlings

School's out and the dwarves have come home
And the streets will be full as they roam
So drive slowly 'round town
Or you might knock one down
Don't want dents in your car from some gnome!

What do they do during the summer?
Besides run out in front of your Hummer
Just send 'em to camp
Hope the weather's not damp
Music lessons? Just not with a drummer.

Or, if you have time, take them out
Show them what this whole world is about
When the fun is all done
Let them work in the sun
Teach them life's a hand up, not handout.

2136. Britten pulled out (again)

Back in November, 2013, I wrote this other limerick.  Today, I'll versify on the actual work.

If you list to "The Young Person's Guide..."
You will prob'ly be seated inside
Though Ben wrote it for youth
You won't find it uncouth
(If you do, just stay still, don't deride.)

2135. Private dick (just not private enough)

There once was a P.I. (a seamus)
Bodyguard to a starlet quite famous
That sly problem sulva
Tried ent'ring her vulva
"No way!" she said, "Tabloids would frame us."

2134. Other factors are what make you special

Such an age you've reached!  What shall we do?
You're 9x8, three-six times two,
And one dozen times six
We can add to the mix
Larry Graham, Happy Birthday to you!

Have a great day, bro.  You've always been a wonderful person to look up to.  Please know that I would love you like a brother even if you weren't!

Larry is a Juilliard grad and a renowned performer and teacher.  Click to hear him play Liszt's Gnomenreigen (Dance of the Gnomes.)

2132-2133. Recovery setback

Back on June 11th, I posted OP273-277 by 84-yr-old Zelda Dvoretzky.  I didn't mention that she's been recovering after being hit by a car in early February.   It broke her ankle and knee.  She went in last week to have a screw removed and picked up an infection in the bone!   I emailed her these two when I heard:

Getting sick "in the shop" ain't PC
You had suffered enough, Dearest Z!
I'll bet Dr. Lister
Could rescue you, sister,
By killing those germs QED.

You'll get through this, Z; you're indomitable
Is the screw hole they left perhaps grommetable?
Was your doctor a dick?
Sorry he made you sick
I hope your infection's not vomitable.

2131. Kinda like Burma Shave signs

As he ran the red light at the junction
Joe did feel a bit of compunction
The wreck felt much worse,
He'll be off in the hearse
Just as soon as he's had extreme unction.

2130. Say Line 5 three times fast

A virile young bastard named Steve
Didn't want his hot wife to conceive.
Added spermicide lube
To his Trojan™-clad tube
'Fore he'd stick his slick shaft in her sleeve.

2129. He had enough wiggle room

His ball moved, I guess winds were gustin'
Or 'twas jumpy from all of the bustin'
It took from his driving,
Still, Johnson kept striving
And won US Open, yaaay Dustin!

Upon completion of his round (though he'd been alerted on the twelfth tee that it "might" happen), golfer Dustin Johnson was assessed a one-shot penalty for causing his ball to move on the 5th green.  It  happened about 2 seconds after he had touched the ground with his putter beside, not behind, the ball.  The ball rotated backward perhaps a ¼ inch. Fortunately and to his enormous credit, he had a 4-stroke lead when the tournament ended, but the record book will show that he only won by three.

Shame on the USGA!  It took them from the 5th green 'til the 12th tee -- well over an hour of watching the replay -- to decide that 'maybe' they would penalize him at the end of the round.  But to tell him they were "thinking about it" was a horrible onus to put on the guy as he played his final seven holes.

2128. Waning Readership

I wish there were more folks like you
Who don't mind if a lim'rick has screw,
Pussy, shit, fuck or piss
But it's hard keeping this
Blog alive for one reader or two.

If you like The Limericist, please tell your friends about it.  (However, I refuse to accept the blame if they then cease to be your friends!)

2127. The Oakmont Ogre

It's fun to watch great golfers gropin'
For ways to play this US Open
The rough's really thick
And the greens are quite slick
When the cut comes, some greats will be mopin'.
Did I mention that there are 210 bunkers for the 18 holes?

2126. Double dipper

There was an old bastard named Smoot
An incredible, satyr-like coot
In an hour, the man once
Fucked ten girls in their cunts
And then each of them up her patoot.

2125. Private email didn't serve 'er well

If Hil wins, she'll become the first dame
To be Prez; not the first with that name,
Though.  Slick Bill had that honor
Was almost a goner,
Impeached.  Will she, too, have that shame?
Or might she be indicted before November?   Click it...

2124. Smart mouth vs. smart humor

Jimmy Fallon last night had Don Rickles
With insults as sour as dill pickles
He's 90, still funny,
But as for my money,
I loved Elaine May and Mike Nichols.

2120-2123. Belmopan Superman

I've heard of a man from Belize
Whose penis hangs down past his knees
Though it swings with insouciance
The thing is a nuisance
Must stand on a stool when he pees.

His testicles, bigger than gourds,
Were insured and blessed over in Lourdes
When he beats his meat
Best get out of the street
Either that or break out your surfboards.

He's displayed his junk 'cross Guatemala
Even showed it on stage at La Scala
But within Yucatan
You can see it, you can,
For the price of admission, one dollah.

Sadly, no woman yet has been found
Who is willing to let the guy pound
Her fur pie with his schlong
Only Mrs. King Kong
Could accept him without being drowned.

2119. Wrinkled and weighty

"You're only as old as you feel"
Is a mantra which folks often spiel
How I feel isn't great
Worse, I look eighty eight,
I could do with a face lift and peel.

2118. Alas, 69 was only a year

I am starting decade number eight
When I get some, the pussy's still great
But that wondrous vulgarity
At home's such a rarity
I think I'll re-learn how to date.
And a happy birthday to myself.

2117. An apoximation of what happened

The scientist, Louis Pasteur,
Liked strolling in fields of verdure
Once, with mind on vaccines,
Sullied both shoes and jeans
When he stepped in a pile of manure.

OP273-277. Tough words done up grandly

Zelda Dvoretzky is one of my AWAD penpals.  She is an 84-yr-old American ex-pat living in Haifa.  Although only her first one was chosen today for AWAD's weekly wrapup, I felt all five were worthy of being seen.  The bold-faced words were the words for last week.

There are so many voters ingenuous,

whose grasp of reality's tenuous.

     He'll play the buffoon.

     He'll promise the moon.

If they vote him in, friend, it's the end of us.

The air's full of political chatter.

Our eardrums with bombast they batter.

     Each utterance specious

     brings comment facetious -

Be serious! Outcomes do matter.

Vote from anger and fear; you may find

you've left something important behind,

     Knowledge and self-control

     suit the leadership role.

That's the danger in voting purblind. 

Being feisty's a status I've aimed for

since I turned eighty. I've earned a name for

     being in a high dudgeon;

     an ageing curmudgeon

a battle of wits always game for.

Our manager's style was officious -

annoying but never pernicious.     

     His manner superior

     hid feelings inferior.

Poor guy was inept, not malicious.

2116. Cave man

I suppose there's more than one way to lose one's head.

Listen up!  If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'
Some sweet day down in hell he'll be fryin'
Made Repub. centrists grump
With endorsement of Trump
I am speaking, of course, of Paul Ryan.
I am almost certain that Speaker Ryan knows The Donald as prez would be a disaster.  A man of principle (à la St. Thomas More) would have remained silent. 

2115. He's not Onan up to it

There once was a fellow named Gimbel
Who, each time that he beat off, would trimble
But his balls were so small,
(Almost no nuts at all)
That his output would not fill a thimble.

2114. Tweedle She and Tweedle Dumb

Yesterday gave enough votes to Hil
She can now zing The Donald at will
Though both just "presumptive"
He'll do something Humptive
Like fall off his wall (or like Bill.)

2113. Sperm ball in the side pocket

Teenagers no doubt think they're cool
'Specially boys who have learned how to fool
With themselves while in class
Turned on by some gal's ass
As they sneakily play pocket pool.

2112. Troy story

Familiar with Helen?  Well, I am
Kidnapped, taken to city of Priam
Fighting skill of Achilles
Gave Trojans the willies
(This from Homer and not Omar Khayyam.)

OP272. No bag limit when fishing for AWADers

A punster who has a large following
Baits the masses with puns and they're swallowing
He first lures them with one
Sole provocative pun
And the comebacks are fun where he's wallowing.

2111. What? No internet?

If you want a hard-on that's your best
One porn mag stands up to the test
When it comes to big hooters
And neatly-trimmed cooters
Choose Penthouse™ for your jack-off fest.

2110. RIP to the man né Cassius Clay

Say 'Goodbye' to Muhammed Ali
I don't care if you didn't agree
With his anti-war stance,
How that boxer could "Dance*
Like a butterfly, sting like a bee!"
He died on 6/3.  I can remember as a 17-yr-old listening to the radio broadcast of his first fight with Sonny Liston.  Here's a great article.

*The actual quote began "Float like a butterfly...)

PD230-232. Sinfully sacrilegious

On a bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham
Just thinking of twats and of sucking 'em
And watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar, "Good Gracious!
Has Brother Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

There was a young curate of Twickenham
Whose pants had a wonderful prick in 'em
     He thought it great guns
     To disrobe all the nuns
And this marvelous object to stick in 'em.

2109. My ganders at Sanders

When he set out on his POTUS journey
Thought that maybe I'd get behind Bernie
Math was weak; 'Free Tuition'
Won't come to fruition
At least he is not an attorney.
Of the 43 different men who've been president, 25 were lawyers.

2105-2108. Afterward he'd say, "Abyssinia."

The mechanic for Haile Selassie
Fucked the emperor's mom (how un-classy!)
As he sank his hot rod
In her bony old bod
He thought he heard squeaks from her chassis.

She'd call him to "work on her Bentley"
This was code for, "do not take me gently."
While under her bonnet
He'd sing her no sonnet
But go to work very intently.

Beneath the bedspread how they tossed
His moves she directed and bossed
It was dark under there;
Trying parts to repair
He once plugged her hole used for exhaust!

But alas, despite mother's insistin'
The mechanic stopped plunging his piston
Haile'd told him, "As Emp,
I'll now act as mom's pimp
As for you, please just stay at home wristin."