580. Insult to injury

I have been a subscriber to A Word A Day (AWAD) for over ten years.  You may click that link to sign up for free (it is wonderful!)  Today's word (cuckold) inspired this:

A man whose wife made him a cuckold,

Found out from a friend -- his knees buckled!

That night, did confront

His wife, but the cunt

Just spit in his eye and then chuckled.

578-579. Words not much heard

My father-in-law used some delightful expressions.  In each limerick, the final word was a favorite of his.

   Graham Kerr, maybe? 
A chef who was great at preparapin',
The soup made of meat from a terrapin,
Used triple the sherry.
This made diners merry
And led some to say "That was larrupin'!

Enamored of ancient Egyptians,
A man would decipher inscriptions
Found in long-buried tombs
Having hundreds of rooms.
When they stumped him, it gave him conniptions.

576-577. Frigid vs. Rigid

There is a meek maiden named Miriam,
Who suffers from bouts of delirium.
She thinks that all guys
Will try spreading her thighs,
Consequently, she will not go nearium.

A horny old bastard named Mason,
Was constantly pussy a'chasin'.
He never could catch
Any willing young snatch,
But his motor was always a'racin'.

575. Should I have written in red?

A dumb twenty-something named Tommy,
Still lived with his daddy and mommy.
His folks were left-leaning
And with some deft weaning
They moved him out -- now he's a commie.

574. Next to legalize?

A Maryland fellow named Gary,
Is proud to admit he's a fairy.
Likes sucking and anal
(He finds neither banal.)
Soon, he may be able to marry.
The preferred pronunciation is baNALL but I needed it to rhyme.

572-573. Cheers and Ottomans

   Clap if you like...
A Turkish math man, Ali Ulger,
Once had an affair with a Bulgar.
While there in Sophia
He caught gonorrhea.
The things he then said were quite vulgar.
  Mr. Ulger is real (but my story isn't.)

There once was a fellow named Burke,
Who set up a date with a Turk.
When the door she did answer
This hot belly dancer
Appeared wearing only a smirk.

569-571. Whazzup in the 'hood?

There once was a fellow named Russell,
Who got in a neighborhood tussle.
Let his lawn go unmowed
So the guy next door showed
Him the punch of his big bicep muscle.

  Neither snow nor rain...?
A man who delivered the mail,
On weather days often would fail
To make rounds appointed.
This got him annointed
"The postman most likely to bail."

A picky old codger named Beck,
Was really a pain in the neck.
When you'd wash his windows
He'd cast innuendos
If you left the tiniest speck.

568. Unsemen behavior

A man who had much erudition,
Told women his sperm gave nutrition.
But most would just scoff
And would not suck him off
So his scam rarely came to fruition.

567. Long time coming

There once was a native of Haiti,
Who was celebate up until eighty.
He finally got laid
By an ugly old maid
And said "Wow!  That was well-worth the waiti!"

563-566. More composers

As a pianist, dear Fréd'ric Chopin,
Was certainly no also-ran.
I enjoy a prelude,
A nocturne or etude
While supping upon coq au vin.

The Norwegian composer named Grieg,
Should be shined on by lights known as Klieg.
His concerto (A minor)
Could hardly be finer,
And Peer Gynt is in its own league.

That marvelous man, Aaron Copland,
Wrote works that can lift us from mope land.
They never are boring,
Send spirits a-soaring
And leave us in all-full-of-hope land!

Saint-Saëns, whose first name was Camille,
Composed many works with great feel.
The fact that The Swan
Sort of rhymes with Saint-Saëns
Makes me want to say "Hey, what's the deal?"

562. San Quentin Quail

A twenty-year-old guy named Taylor,
Took a high school girl parking to nail her.
But she wasn't of age
And her folks, in their rage
Called the cops.  Taylor now has a jailer.

Is that title line still used to describe an under-sixteen girl?

561. How many clams is it?

Pismo Beach, CA is famous for its Pismo clams.
A man from that Cal town called Pismo,
Put his house up for sale as a FISBO.*
He got in a fight
With a buyer one night
Just to prove he was very machismo.

  * Realtor lingo for "For Sale By Owner."

560. Poling his gal

An adventurous rascal named Lamech,
Lived up near Detroit in Hamtramck.
He once had a screw
In a birchbark canoe
And he then said "Let's go try a hammock!"
Hamtramck, MI (pronounced hamTRAMick) is a Polish neighborhood, thus my title.
Tennis enthusiasts may remember it as the hometown of two great (if fruity) junior girls named Peaches and Plums Bartkowicz in the 1960s.

559. Driving Miss (crazy)

A beer-drinking woman named Susan,
Would get in her car and go cruisin'.
The cops did restrain her
For "Open Container"
And driving an auto while boozin'.

558. Just as I feared

I've stooped to plagiarizing Edward Lear, or at least being influenced by him, to wit:
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said 'It is just as I feared! -
     Two Owls and a Hen,
     Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

Here's mine:
There once was a man, very queer,
Who had shoved many things in his rear --
A pencil, a glove,
A shoe horn, a dove,
And a cold longneck bottle of beer.

557. Tofu is cheap

Thinking I'd get my girl to eat meat,
I took her for steak as a treat.
But sweet little Meeghan
Is truly a Vegan,
I saved bucks when she wouldn't cheat.

556. How do you make a hormone?

A tired old hooker named Brigid,
By forty, was totally frigid.
Because she had lost her own
Bit of testosterone
She hated obliging the rigid.

By the way, the answer to the title question is "Don't pay her."

OP19. Funeral March Blues (in Black & White)

What a surprise to check my blog and find the following, written and posted by my younger brother, who follows this blog as Okiejokey.  Only yesterday we talked about composers who remain to be limericized.  Great title and 5-liner, Bro!

If 'twere asked of Gounod (first name Charles),
"Which work brings you fame now?" he would snarl!
Hitchcock's rotund inset
Staged to "Marionette"
Broadcast forth on TV in monaural.

Television's "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" theme was Funeral March of a Marionette and you can hear a bit of it by clicking THIS. Also, since Gounod (rhymes with Juneau) was French, his first name is sounded "Sharl", so it rhymes with 'snarl' and 'monaural.' 

Doubtless, the composer would rather have his opera, Faust, or some other large opus atop the list of his Greatest Hits -- not a short piece that became a TV theme!

554-555. With his ascent, I'm posting these

Actually, I didn't ask for his assent but I'm dedicating these ten lines to my brother, Larry, who has scaled all 54 of Colorado's 14,000 foot peaks. He has also attained musical heights as a pianist and teacher.

A mountaineer fellow named Lee,
Encountered a field of debris.
But all of this sediment
Proved not an impediment.
He easily passed through the scree.

He made his way on toward the peak,
That pinnacle all climbers seek.
And when he had clumb it
Clear up to the summit
He right then and there took a leak.

OP18. The Eros of my ways

A friend emailed this one and asked that I post it before Feb. 14 had expired.  He realizes the meter isn't 'pure' but wanted it left "as is" (including the indentation of lines 3&4.)

The frustrating thing about Valentine's Day
Is that its light-hearted, innocent way
    Fosters friendship platonic,
    While sex laws draconic
Force us to hold our true feelings at bay.

553. It happened in Chicago

Forgive me for the quality of this limerick.  I hate using "near rhymes" as they are a sure sign of a poor poet.

While wooing a girl, this dude, Lasater,
Decided to wave his bare ass at her.
'Twas Valentine's Day
And suffice it to say
What ensued can be viewed as a massacre!

I probably should have made line 5 read
  This was not how to make the best pass at her.
but I wanted a reference to the Chicago gangland slaying of 2/14/29.

551-552. Ol' factorys

A Frenchman named Monsieur Reneu,
Found a nasty ol' whore he could screu.
She fucked him quite well
But because of her smell
He was stirred to shout out "Sacre bleu!"

A grungy ol' gal named Lucinda,
Has very foul-smelling pudenda.
Before you can eat her
You must make them sweeter
By heavily coating with Splenda.

548-550. Seasonal silliness

In late spring a fellow named Clay,
Went shopping for Valentine's Day.
But he was so stupid
He didn't know Cupid
Is not celebrated in May.

There once was a hacker named Dolph,
Who played, but was lousy at golf.
When he'd drive his ball,
Spring, summer or fall,
It always wound up in the rolf.

A boozer from South Manitoba,
For mem'ry takes gingko biloba.
He still can't recall
If it's springtime or fall,
His problem is, he's never soba.

547. See a doctor if

One Sunday morn down there in Dallas,
A husband partook of Cialis.
After sex, time for church.
He was left in the lurch
For he still had a really stiff phallus.

546. She's with the vice squad

There once was a silly old goose,
Who liked his gals tight as a noose.
He took out a Nubian,
Got caught in her pubian
Region and couldn't get loose!

545. Rhyming vs. Spelling

An art buff whose name was Renee,
Owned a couple of prints by Paul Klee,
Plus one by Renoir,
And three by Degas,
She had damned good taste, I would see.

544. Very heroin' experiences

A wild-eyed old rascal named Jock,
Seemed always to be in great shock.
Addicted to opium
He'd get girls and gropium,
Then slip 'em some pure poppycock.

543. He's turned a new Leif

There once was a blue-eyed blond Viking,
Whose looks (most would say) were quite striking.
His straw-colored curls
Sure attracted the girls
But gay boys were much more to his liking.

542. GAAP is crap

That's the acronym for Generally Accepted Accounting Principals.

A wicked accountant named Jon,
Was inspired by the guys at Enron.
With a few other crooks,
Our bad boy cooked the books
And came up with a stockholder con.

PD26-27. Daredevils

It's been quite a while since I posted any which weren't written by me.  These two have been around forever -- thus the PD designation above (Public Domain.)

There once was a man named Adair,
Who was laying his girl on the stair.
The bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a woman from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her man
Seated on the divan,
"I think I've discovered one more way!"

539-541. Wolfgang

Mozart's middle name -- Amadeus --
Means "Lover of God."  He can lay us
Prostrate in the aisles
And give leaders big smiles
When conducting a Mass from the dais.

For piano or strings or woodwinds,
His concerti need not make amends.
For none's second-rate,
And some are just great!
His talent, I'd say, never ends.

The symphonies rarely do fail,
To brighten, enlighten, assail
Our spirits with joy.
(Some were done when a boy!)
A genius, he, so all hail!

I could (and probably should) go on and on.  I didn't even mention his chamber works, operas, solo piano pieces, requiem, divertimenti, etc.  I'll never forget turning 40 and lamenting to a friend that I didn't feel as if I'd accomplished much thus far in life.  She kindly mailed me a card and wrote "Don't be depressed.  When Mozart was your age.... he'd been dead five years!"  (Thanks a lot, Suzy!)

538. Who says Southerners are slow?

There once was a redneck named Drew,
Who would finish too soon when he'd screw.
The word got aroun'
In his small southern town
So his chances for sex were quite few.

536-537. At the table

A Mexican chef named Don Cuesta,
At Hispanic cuisine is the besta.
He can take some carnitas
And make great fajitas,
Providing an awesome fiesta.

An œnophile whose name is Mavis,
Has a wine degree from UC-Davis.
When all's done and said
Still eats fish with a red (!),
Which makes her a real rara avis.

534-535. Sobriquets

There once was a fellow named Archie,
From the small Okie town of Okarche.
But then he did roam
Up to Joan Rivers' home.
Oklahomans have nicknamed him "Larchie."
   (She's from Larchmont, NY.)

An oversexed husband, Calhoun,
Has anal sex each afternoon.
He reams out the butt
Of his wife, so that slut
Has nicknamed him "the man in my moon."

532-533. Brit names

A naughty old Englishman, Nevil,
Sought out a street walker to revel.
His trip to her quiff
Got him both clap and syph
And his doctor bill cost like the devil.

A pharmacy student named Cecil,
Took a pretty young thing to mud wrestle.
While down in the muck
They decided to fuck
And her mortar got poked by his pestle.

531. See-saw for one?

A crazy old geezer named Gray,
Likes to go to a schoolyard and play
By himself (teeter-totter.)
I think that they otter
Assess him and put him away.

530. Bridge of troubled waters

A bold old bridge player named Flack,
For aggressiveness never did lack.
Bid "3 No" with 19,
All passed, oh how mean!
The dummy had only a jack.

529. We want cloudy

Phil the Groundhog from near Punxsutawney,
Today will come out on his lawn.  He
Will duck back inside
If his shadow's beside
Him.  If not, next six weeks will be bonnie!

528. Ouch couch

A masochist woman named Dot,
Could only sleep well on a cot.
Said she "It's too narrow
And hurts to the marrow,
I LIKE it, believe it or not!

Did you hear about the masochist who said to the sadist "Hurt me, Hurt me!"?
And the sadist said "No."

527. Church kneeler

There once was a hooker named Opal,
Fascinated with all things Europal.
On a visit to Rome
(Under St. Peter's dome),
She sucked off the sex organ Popal.

525-526. ...if it ain't got that swing

A trumpeter felt quite forlorn
When he tried to coax jazz from his horn.
His improvisation
Produced consternation.
The notes that came out were pure corn.

The rock-n-roll(?) singer, Pat Boone,
Had a fine voice with which he would croone.
He tried to sound black
But his melanin lack
Made purists say "He's a buffoone!"

523-524. Sappho laugho

A lesbian woman confessed,
"My method of sex is the best.
I like pussy lickin'
(It tastes just like chicken!)
And gettin' my firm tits caressed."

A girl and her lesbian lover,
Liked to get 69-style, then hover,
To slather with spit
The other's big clit
Before licking it up undercover.