Friday, February 17, 2017

OP401-413. The Schitt List

This one ate up most of my night.  I tried to stay as close to the story as possible.  I added a name I found in the comments, because I had a use for it.  This is a helluva lot longer than any I've tried before.  Enjoy!

Some people just haven't a clue
Has anyone said this to you
While throwing a fit?
"Well, you don't know Jack Schitt!"
I know Jack, and his family too.

We begin the day O. Schitt met Awe
He, at Kneedeep & Schitt, practiced law
As a senior advisor
She sold fertilizer
Their marriage, well, no one foresaw

But of charm, young O. Schitt had no lack
Before long, he had Awe in the sack
In predictable fashion
The result of their passion
Was a young little Schitt, name of Jack

Jack Schitt wed a woman named Noe
And six children on him she'd bestow
They were very religious
And their love life, prodigious
I'll tell of the children below

Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt
Then Bull Schitt and the twins would be it
The twins, Deap and Dip
Were joined at the hip
(No, not literally), but close-knit

Deap's choice of the man she had wed
Well, he wasn't quite right in the head
And a bit of a bum 
But this fellow, named Dumb
Went and took on her surname instead

Dip Schitt met a girl, Loda Dung
She thought he was cute, and well hung
So they wed, had a kid
Maybe sorry they did
For the child, Chicken Schitt, was high-strung

Well, the young men lost all hope of bedding
Either Fulla or Giva. Upsetting!
But the girls lost their poise
Near the cute Happens boys
So they had a Schitt-Happens joint wedding

And between them, the two had three boys
They'd run wild, and would make lots of noise
And the children, of course,
They were Byrd, Dawg, and Hoarse
Always making a mess of their toys

Bull Schitt had applied for a visa
Saw the pyramids standing at Giza
After visiting Rome
He would then return home
With a towering woman, named Pisa

After fifteen years Jack and Noe split
Jack, in Wertha, found more of a fit
When she asked about Noe
Jack would say, "She's fine, though
In the bedroom she's not Wertha Schitt!"

Mr. Sherlock, though forty and bald
Courted Noe, and he kept her enthralled
When she wed him, she stated
Her name, hyphenated
Noe Schitt-Sherlock, she is now called

There it is, the entire Schitt clan
You now know every woman and man
Anytime you are hit
With "You don't know Jack Schitt"
You will prove them all wrong, for you can.


  1. WOW, David!!! That is so much funnier and cleverer than the over-wrought oft-emailed version to which you linked.

    Your 65-liner is so good, in fact, that I'm not going to post today so that yours may bask atop the page for 24+ hours

    Great job, and I think it's the blog's new leader for number of stanzas in one post.

  2. I agree with Phil's statement, but I'll say that even before I saw his comment, I had already planned to write that I believe the joke should be scrapped in favor of your limerick. Your amazing. remarkable masterpiece should be the one and only story of "The Schitt List"

    You made the impossible possible! Wow! I love it!

  3. Thanks. I enjoyed writing this one, but was also glad to be done it. I also think it's the blog's longest. it's definitely a record for me, eclipsing the 7 verse Team Trump rant. I think Suzanne wrote an 11 verse one or something like that at one point, though I forget what about.

    There are a few different variations of the story, actually. Mine, I suppose, is just another, with actually MORE detail. Some versions have different genders for some of the characters. Sometimes Awe Schitt is the guy and O. Schitt is the girl. Sometimes Fulla and Giva are men, and the Happens duo are women. (Might actually make more sense that way, because the way I tell it, Byrd, Dawg, and Hoarse have the last name Schitt-Happens. Should I change it?) Holie Schitt, I notice, doesn't have a story, but in one version she dies shortly after birth. Wertha is not in any version I've seen, but was in the comments of the version I linked to. The idea to make her Jack's 2nd wife was my own, because I wanted to use that line.

    I haven't found anyone else who's told this story in limerick form.