1814. Pugnacity post hoc

An American gen'ral named Andy
Whipped the British in manner quite handy
'Twas outside New Orleans
And it didn't mean beans --
War had ended yet still he was dandy!
Unbeknownst to Andrew Jackson, the Treaty of Ghent ending The War of 1812 had already been signed on the day (12/24/1814) the famed Battle of New Orleans began.  The battle lasted until January 18th, 1815.

1813. Random wrap-up (for me, anyway)

Though acrostics aren't really my forte
Dave's reverse-order one made me snort
Perhaps my mind's hazy
Or I am just lazy
But they aren't my way to cavort.

 You're welcome to keep doing 'em, Dave, but I'm gonna move on.

OP206-207. Bottoms up!

I may be getting carried away with this.

Never one from a challenge to shrink
When it's limerick writing, I think
Opportunity knocks
Dave is outside the box
Each acrostic drives me to the brink

Does this verse look as awesome as any?
Is one more acrostic too many?
Seems this here incursion
Provides an inversion
Unplanned? No, but not worth a penny.

1809-12. Dash it all

With your imprimatur, I'll dash
Off these lines as if wanting a sash
To drape o'er my right shoulder
Which reads, "Mr. Bolder"
(I'm speaking of 5-liners brash.)

Told a date, "I will settle your hash,
Pull your pants down, I'll warm up your gash."
And, lickety-split,
I then sprinkled her clit
With Tabasco (but only a dash.)

By the goal posts she waved from her Nash
I thought, "Great! Gonna get me some gash!"
I arrived, loins on fire
But 'twas just a flat tire
What a waste of a hundred yard dash.

A dad gave his teen son a lash
Also grounded him, cut off his cash
Kid had cleaned the wet spot
Tossed the condoms he'd bought
But had missed her footprints on pop's dash.
Obviously, this week's Mad word was 'dash.'

OP205. Not enough?

More fun with acrostics, addressing #1804 in particular.

Phil, I find your verse left me impressed
It eluded me first, then I guessed
Will I ever have hope
To eclipse you? Well, nope
And this rhyme may be less than my best.

1808. Incognito fan

I wish I could figure out who
Comes to visit here from Mountain View
64 233
172 133
Is the IP that always comes through.
Every week or so this Californian drops in.  I appreciate the loyalty but wish I knew your name so I could say 'thanks!'  According to my StatCounter, you were just online.  Please email me -- limericist@cox.net -- and let's get acquainted (or are we already?)

1807. The operative word is "dreamin'"

I went on a date, wound up beamin'
She was everything I had been dreamin'
First removing her denture,
She sucked my 6 incher
Then swallowed my hot shots of semen.

1806. America's finest fighters

Air Force Boot Camp gets over so soon
That marines think all airmen would swoon
And would greatly embarrass
If on island Parris,
So Lackland they call "Camp Jejune."
All USAF recruits spend their 8 weeks of basic training at Lackland AFB, San Antonio.  USMC recruits spend 13 weeks at either Parris Island, South Carolina or San Diego.  After boot camp, some marines are sent to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina for further combat training.

1805. A slippery slope

This limerick was inspired by an anecdote about Groucho Marx:
He was having problems sexually -- premature ejaculation.  Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection.  When asked later whether it worked, Groucho reported, "I came rubbing the stuff on."

A virgin who wanted my rod
Had a really tight cunt in her bod
So I rubbed some soft lard on
My big throbbing hard on
In doing so, I shot my wad!

1804. Another slant on things

Somebody has raised up the bar
And let me discover how far
He's come at the versing
Of limericks by nursing
Each nuance of fun -- they're har-har!
I posted a comment to Dave's OP204 at 9:58 am.  I'm rather proud that this one was written and blogged only twelve minutes later.  If you don't like my angle, please don't come after me with a 45.

OP204. Where, oh where could it be?

Another acrostic, I know
It's not where you thought it was, though
It's sitting right here
Its location is clear
If you haven't found it yet, woe!

When you've found it I'll reveal its location.  This was surprisingly hard to do.

PS. The title is a clue.

1803. Hair trigger

The clit is an organ that's dinky
Found down where the odor is stinky
Just as men can 'get wood'
It can crawl from its hood
And then grow big around as a pinkie.

OP202-203. Stop bugging me!

Another acrostic.

Mosquitoes, a pain in the ass
Of course, they're approaching en masse
So my whole body itches
"Quit biting me, bitches!"
Undaunted, they lurk in the grass

I'll never be fond of the scratching
The illnesses I may be catching
Or the flies 'round my face
Every one's a disgrace
Since I killed one, ten more have been hatching.

OP200-201. Homophonic slurs?

If belonging to it, then it's its
People's writing is giving me fits
They're confusing their "there"
And it's everywhere
This is not what good writing permits

Also, "your" is mistaken for "you're"
A mistake I've seen often before
Some, with "lose", they are "loose"
"Then" for "than" is misuse
Let me tell you, I can't take much more.

OP199. Boogity boogity

The man would appear in a flash
And across any venue, would dash
People thought him unique
And they called him "The Streak"
But with Ethel, he sure made a splash.

Please tell me you know the song...

1802. Here's to sweeter meter

i LIKE reading LIM'ricks a LOT
eSPEcially WHEN they've a PLOT
But THOSE that don't SCAN
ought be THROWN in the CAN
(also KNOWN as the PORcelain POT.)
Happily, no one in here needs this but several posters at Mad Kane's and Reddit do.

1801. Just sayin'

Ahead of me, hairy lips loom
Those portals that lead to her womb
If I get them to part
She will capture my heart
If I don't, it may lead to her doom.

1800. Noun, now

A Latin professor named Willoughby
At the start of each term passed out syllabi
By about mid-semester
Each student would fester
And just use his copy to kill a bee.

When I took Latin, the plural ending of most masculine nouns (e.g. amici or cacti) was pronounced 'ee.'  It seems to have changed to 'eye.'  However, 'eye' was once how feminine noun plurals (ending ae) were pronounced.  Perhaps another case of 'let's not be gender-specific' occurring in our crazy world?

8/23 Addendum:
Reader Robin Sutherland emailed this after reading my above entry.  He said, 

Alumnæ's like "nigh" -- never "knee."

Alumni's like "knee -- never "nigh."

Our hatches let's batten

With bonafide Latin!

And ne'er wonder how -- only why.

 

Thanks for having my back, Robin!

PD188-192. Rule Britannia!

There once was a faddist of Devon
Who said, "I have raped only seven
Young women to date,
But soon 'twill be eight
And shortly thereafter eleven."

There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends were afraid they had lost her
'Til they found on the grass
The marks of her ass
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who asked, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
I replied, "Simple shagging
Without any wagging
Should only be done whilst canoeing."

There once was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who took corn to the mill to make grist with
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.

An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork
And between obbligatos
He'd munch at tomatoes
To keep up his strength while at work.

1799. "Khmer, rubes!"

A Cambodian Commie had shot
Folks whose politics weren't what he sought
The man was neurotic
As well as despotic
No polls were held under Pol Pot.
  This week's contest rhyme-word is 'pot.'

OP198. Dave's not here, man...

...but you may be able to guess where I am.

It's a dubious drug I have bought
Since I tried it, I wish I had not
What would anyone need
With some laxative weed?
Now I can't get myself off the pot.

OP196-197. A mouth-watering meal

Cindy said I should add to the pot
Unique flavors - I gave it a shot
My familiar taste
Is not one she would waste
Now you've guessed it - it's just what you thought.

An acrostic food-related limerick, in response to one of Mad Kane's Facebook posts.  As it also qualifies for this week's Limerick-Off, I've entered it there too.

Only Cindy and I ever knew
What ingredients were in the stew
And the guests, they would savor
And question the flavor
They don't know, but I'm sure you do.

This one's not acrostic, and I just decided to add it now as a second stanza.  It would have qualified for last week's contest.

Dave's acrostic on CUMIN inspired me to write this follow up:

Before you put spice in the pot
Add beef stock but not a whole lot
Sprinkle flour for a roux
In goes salt, pepper too
Lick the spoon, say, "Good gravy!"  (Or not.) 
   -- The Limericist

1798. Pole-ar opposite

Rural boys used to use the word 'cock'
To mean 'pussy!'  Imagine the shock
When one asked in a town,
"Any hot cock aroun'?"
The town toughs called him queer, cleaned his clock.

True!  'Cock' was interchangeable with 'pussy' where I grew up (Ada, OK.)  Males had 'dicks' or 'peters.'  My friends and I used it until at least junior high school and my grandpa (b. 1881) would guffaw when someone mentioned 'Mrs. Glasscock."
One night after lights out while I was in USAF boot camp, a hillbilly from West Virginia said "I wish I had me some hot cock."  "WHAT THE HELL?" rang out loudly from other bunks!

1797. Death math

I spend my days using my pate
To determine when folks will be 'late'
I'm not adversarial
My job's actuarial
You see, at Prudential I rate.
I entered this @ Mad Kane's Limerick-Off when 'rate' (or 'irate') was the rhyme word.

1796. Uno dose trace

Fucked a border town whore on a bet
Three days later, briefs yellow and wet
Now I do not know what
That gal had up her twat
But the discharge and itch I have yet.

PD186-187. Surprise endings

Firm and full in his pants (she HAD checked)      
Bulged the object she yearned to inspect
So her hand slipped inside
To caressingly slide
Out his . . . wallet.  What did you expect?

A magazine writer named Bing
Could make copy from most anything
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.
Sing Sing is a state prison just north of New York City.

1795. Pæan to the past

In the old days an airliner’s crew
Had a good-looking girl called the stew
Short for “stewardess,” she
Served milk, coffee or tea;
Upon landing (I’ve heard) she might screw!

1794. Caviar emptied

A French marquis in his chateau
Drank wine from grapes grown in his clos
One could oft hear him boast
Of the eggs on his toast
Not from poulets, mais non -- sturgeon roe!

1793. Colon crawlin'

Gay Percy lives life as an herbalist
And he's also a fine cruciverbalist
When the hour is too late
To pick up a hot date
He goes home and has fun as a gerbilist.

1792. Double entendre trouble

Though I fancy myself as a bard
Writing sense-making rhymes can be hard
If you think 'fuck' and 'suck'
Pair up eas'ly with 'duck'
Don't believe it, for it's a canard.

1791. Failin' Fallin et al.

This one's number is also the year
That our Bill of Rights got put in gear
These ten extra laws
No longer give pause
To our 'fine' Okie leaders, I fear.
Mary Fallin is Governor of Oklahoma, and a poor one.

OP195. Is "Off" a TV channel?

This addresses one of the lamer arguments that some religious people make.

With some theists I have a big beef
They insist non-belief's a belief
So here is the ath-
Eist statement of faith:
We don't have it. Stop giving us grief!

1790. No internet connection

At the register, Fred threw the fee at her
(The porn shop clerk.)  He cast no glee at her.
Flick's cost was 130
In sleeve that screamed, "DIRTY!!!"
Fred's home watching "Masturbate Theatre."
If the movie has a character named Abigail, Fred will vicariously go Downon Abby.

1789. Transcendental eligibility

At Princeton, the coach needs to know
If a quarterback prospect's a 'go'
"He can run and he passes
His soft high school classes
But tell me this; can he Thoreau?"

PD183-185. Geography pornography

There was a young man from Toledo
Who was cursed with excessive libido
To lick and to screw
And to masturbate, too
Were the three major points of his credo.

There was a young student from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em.

There once was a lady from Salem
Who used to take cocks and inhale 'em
The fruits of these feats
(Pubic hairs from her teeth)
Were saved until Fall when she'd bale 'em.

OP194. Mallard mayhem

One of this week's contest entries.  I thought it was clever, anyway.

I heard someone holler "Hey bro
You should get all your ducks in a row"
So I stood, looking solemn
My ducks in a column
It matters, but why, I don't know.

1788. Weight! Weight! Don't tell me.

OP193 brought me mirth
'Cause when speaking of fat, I've no dearth
Like Dave, I have grown
And I weigh 18 stone
Which is how they count poundage in Perth.
(The Scots prounounce it 'Pairth.'  Don't know about Aussies.)

1787. What is the newsstand price nowadays?

An ingenuous priest in Quebec
Heard that Playmates wore naught 'neath the neck!
Even though he was niggardly
Somehow he figgered he
Ought to pay five bucks to check.

1786. And the green glass goes all around

A writer I know who's named Dot'll
Agonize over each tit and jottle
She will quit for a smoke,
Drink a cold twelve-ounce coke
And then diddle herself with the bottle.
(It's actually "jot and tittle."  Click it.)

OP193. Older, wiser, super-sizer

Wish I'd thought of this a week and a half ago, when it was my birthday.

I've spent 33 years here on Earth
And I've grown a whole lot since my birth
I'm becoming more sage
As I'm adding more age
But I'm mostly just adding more girth.

1785. I wanted to rhyme 'archaic'

But my storyline is lousy.
A New Jersey strongman went driftin'
Then settled just outside of Clifton
So he grew archaic
Up there in Passaic
And now he does no heavy liftin'.

1784. Preferably the lower ones

A man whose big dick had the chills
Shivered worse after potions and pills
He said, "I think maybe a
Hot pair of labia
Could be the cure for my ills."

1783. A (Johnny) Cash discount

Horny John fantasized about June
Couldn't wait to get in her sweet poon
He finally got some
But like so much flotsam
It turned out to be just jejune.

1782. Processed proboscis

When you have an itch in your nose
And a sneeze soon will have you in throes
Be sure to eschew
A gigantic "Ah-CHOO!"
Use a Kleenex and give it some blows.

1781. Frustrating pheromones

A lesbian lady named Lucy
Had a snatch that was fragrant and juicy
When she'd ride on a bus
It would cause her to cuss
'Cause some guy always played 'Lucy goosy.'