OP75. A way with words

When I am asked by jealous haters
Why I am such a frequent dater
I tell them "I'm hung,
Fluent in the French tongue
Cunning linguist, and master debater."

936. Role reversal

A woman all full of palaver
Got wed to the first guy who'd have 'er.
In bed, he is balking --
Her incessant talking
Makes hubby act like a cadaver.

935. Don't whiff her quiff

A skanky young woman named Monk
Had orifices that just stunk.
She sure wasn't pretty,
Had breath that was shitty,
And pussy that smelled like a skunk.

934. Idiom of odium

One overused phrase gives me hell,
It's when sentences end with "as well."
What's happened to "too"
And "also"?  Would you
Let me know how, from grace, those words fell?

This is one of my pet peeves.  Those single words for "in addition to" seem to have disappeared from our language.  It wouldn't bother me so much if folks didn't tack on "as well" just to sound educated.  I hear, "I'm wearing jeans, as well" when no one else had said they were wearing jeans.  I also hear, "I'm also going, as well."  Jeez!  As if redundancy makes you appear smart.

OP74. Heavy petting

I know a young girl from Vancouver
So fat a bulldozer can't move her
And although she may
Not be much of a lay
I tell you, she sucks like a Hoover.

932-933. With friends like these, who needs enemas?

Queers Bruce and Maurice broke town code,
Leaving Bruce with a smelly brown doad.
Once Bruce had pulled out,
Maurice gave a shout
As he ran to the john to download.

I know a teenager named Tommy
Who does things he won't tell his mommy.
See, Tommy is gay --
He and friend like to play
At the game known as "hide the salami."

OP73. A heavenly body

There was an astronomer, Frink
Who one day had fun with his dink
He inserted his pole
Into a black hole
But inside that black hole, it was pink.

931. I baroque down on this one

First name is pronounced Gay-org or Gee-org.  Lines 1 & 2 are fictitious.  Sometimes rhyming requires that.
Imprisoned, Georg Philipp Telemann
Learned music, taught him by a fella con.
Educational stations
In civilized nations
Sometimes play his works on a telethon.

930. Flustered flier

A man heading into LaGuardia
Rode a plane that could not have been tardia.
Knew he'd miss his connection
So screamed out invection
Which caused him some mild tachycardia.

929. Whistle while you jerk

There once was a fellow named Lang
Who'd whistle while yanking his wang.
He'd do it with zest, oh
Yes!  Speed used was presto
Which made him get off with a bang.

928. Say it ain't so, Joe

Shoeless Joe Jackson was one of the eight Chicago White Sox players accused of throwing the 1919 World Series.  Very good article found here.

White Sox owner, old Charles Comiskey,
Was stingy as hell, turned out risky.
"Black Sox" did describe
Players who took a bribe,
Then got banned so they spent it on whiskey.

926-927. Ass faults

A flatulent fellow named Mart
Perfected the art of the fart.
Their odor was foul
Which made bystanders howl
And the booms they made flew off the chart!

I've always found this comical...  On the Beatles' White Album, "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" was immediately followed by "I Will."
A randy young man, a real toad,
Shot his load in a girl in the road!
Her mom was at home,
Which meant they couldn't roam
To a bedroom inside her abode.

PD64, OP70-72. The busy bishop of Birmingham

There once was a bishop of Birmingham
Who would screw the young boys while confirming them
As they'd kneel before God
He'd whip out his rod
And he'd pump his Episcopal sperm in them.

and this one has already appeared in here (PD40-42), but is worth repeating.

There once were two ladies of Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the bishop as he was confirming them

The bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a large public school
He lowered his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his 12 inch Episcopal tool

But that didn't bother the two
They said as the bishop withdrew
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."

and mine...

Now you've heard of the bishop of Birmingham
And all of the stories concerning him
Though one of his joys
Was screwing small boys
Still the Catholic Church isn't spurning him

For it seems upon learning of these
They'll still let him do as he'll please
And if caught, without fail
They will save him from jail
And move him to a new diocese

And so he can screw all the more
For he knows that the pope will ignore
Him repeating his follies
And getting his jollies
By making the new boys' butts sore.

925. Nice rack!

A woman (not part of the rabble)
Had three B's on her tiles playing Scrabble.
Her double-word score
Was a strong 24
When she used each one, spelling out 'babble.'

924. A frank Sumatra limerick

There's a man in Sumatra named Chang
Who thinks he can fuck an orang.
He's learning to grunt
And hopes 'rangutan cunt
Will not be too rough on his whang.

923. Latest(?) euphemism

A gal kept her calendar booked-up,
For her phone number often was looked-up.
She'd let guys cop some feels
And since she had round heels,
By evening's end she would be hooked-up.

Are there more recent "nice" terms than 'hooked-up'?  Seems like I first heard that one mid-'90s.

922. Maybe I should read the FAQs

I've been posting some limmies with Reddit,
(An act I'm not sure's to my credit.)
Most times I log on
One I'd written is gone!
That website is weird.  There, I've said it.

921. Why buy the cow if the milk's free?

The bachelor composer, A. Bruckner,
If he'd had a wife, would have been chuck'ner,
'Cause his girlfriend was great,
And when it got late
He'd stay at her house all night fuck'ner.

OP69. A farty party (palindrome special)

Just to prove I could actually do one of these myself:

To say "Madam, I'm Adam", ya sot
Told name of, sir, is fo' 'em and lot
To other, eh, "toot"
Too bad, eh, he'd a boot
To host on - aha, not so hot.

920. Why only the guy?

A young college freshman named Ben
Took a girl of 15 for a spin.
Their act was illicit,
Though she was complicit
Just Ben spent ten years in the pen.

OP68. Old Faithful

There once was an elderly miser
Who chose to squat down on a geyser
But as she was crappin'
A strange thing did happen
Hot water shot up to surprise her.

919. They don't grow on trees, ya know

A man always finished too quick,
Thought the problem might be with his dick.
He went to a doc
To request a new cock.
Said the doc, "Finding one is the trick."

918. Putrid pickup line

A young baseball player named Seger,
Has social skills you'd label meager.
Told a gal, "Here's a buck,
How would you like to fuck?"
You can see Seger's no major-leaguer.

917. Things you shouldn't learn in Shul

There's a naughty old cantor named Dinkles,
Whose eye, when he jokes, always twinkles.
A one-liner he'll sing:
"What's the single best thing
To come out of a putz?  It's the wrinkles!"

916. New visitors -- THANKS!

I've a reader from Huntington Woods.
(That's one of Detroit's finer 'hoods.)
Google Maps says the zoo
Is located there, too.
Keep reading! -- I'll keep posting "goods."

As opposed to "bads."  Thanks to the Michigander (he/she appears to have stumbled onto this site) and several others who arrived via  www.reddit.com/r/limericks since I began putting a few in there.  I try hard to write good ones.

Hint: select any month from the archives down the right side.  It will present several more per page.  Comments are always welcome, too.

915. Old joke in rhyme form

A man in a bar, a galoot,
Tried to hit on a gal who was cute.
Told him, "You need to know
I'm a lesbian."  "So,"
He replied, "how are things in Beirut?"

914. A nose for religion

A Jew wore a faulty phylactery,
Its elastic was unsatisfactory.
It slipped down his brow
And he sadly finds now
That he's missing one sense (the olfactory.)

PD62-63. Sticking out

There once was a man named Sir Lancelot
When he went out to parties he'd dance a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

There once was a fellow from Boston
Who drove a diminutive Austin
It had room for his ass
And a tankful of gas
But his balls dangled out, and he lost 'em!

913. Shades of Thelma and Louise

A very rich fellow named Otis
Aspired to be the next POTUS.
He ran independent
(Campaign not transcendent)
So he drove off a cliff in his Lotus.

"POTUS" is an acronym for President of the United States.

912. Schlong of India

There once was a couple named Luter,
Who tried out the whole Kama Suter.
By the time they were done
It was no longer fun
And the wife had a really sore cooter.

"Sutra" didn't quite rhyme...

You may click 'Home' or 'Older Post' (scroll to bottom) to see hundreds more!

911. Just desserts

While eating my wife's lemon pie
I ventured to say to her, "My!
I hate this meringue."
The ensuing harangue
That she gave was like spit in my eye.

910. Whips and spurs?

A cowgirl whore, not too expensive,
Spends much of her time being pensive.
Knows her acts are pedestrian,
Thinks adding equestrienne
Moves would be more comprehensive.

909. Don't drink and strive

A do-it-yourselfer named Kotch
Could not do a job without botch-
ing it up.  Spilled hot solder
All over his daughter.
The reason was way too much scotch.

Why is 'solder' pronounced 'sawter', anyway?  Another odd pronunciation is the one for a certain type of jewelry.  Perhaps I'll brooch that subject in another limmie.

908. Frigidity defined

There once was a woman named Liz
Who shot ice cubes out when she'd whiz!
Men didn't know what
They should do with her twat --
It seemed that her pussy was friz!

907. Yolko, Oh no!

There once was a very sick fella
Whose eyes were a light shade of yella.
He had wobbly legs
Caused by eating raw eggs
Which were laced with that bug, salmonella.

906. Desert doings

Stuck far from mankind in Bahrain,
A sex-starved man went near' insane.
While fucking a camel he
Started a family--
His kid had a hump and small brain.

905. Wicked woman

I once knew a woman, a faddist
Who, of all whom I've met, was the baddest.
She was big as a trailer,
Could cuss like a sailor,
And when she got cross, was the maddest.

904. Same song, 100 billionth verse

There once was a woman named Gail
Who performed wifely jobs without fail.
Excepting but one:
Hating sexual fun
She would not give her spouse any tail.

903. Mettaphysical musing

New Year's Day, time to get a new lease
On life, and all wars need to cease.
It remains to be seen
Just what 2013
Will bring in the way of world peace.

Apologies for that title.  LA Laker Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace in September 2011 -- ironic since he's one of the most pugnacious players in the NBA.

902. Yid kid

When he goes to the whorehouse, Sol Weiss
Gets his money's worth -- he does it twice!
And our boy always picks a
Blonde hooker (a shiksa)
The Jewish ones there aren't too nice.