OP363. Say, (What the) Hey, Kid?

This one's from my brother, OkieJokey, who asked me to post it as he couldn't get it up...

At my door, clad in baseball 'road grays,'
‘Pon a Hallowe'en teen I did gaze.
     Ear of corn caught my eye
     Sticking out of his fly
Had this name on his back: Willy Maize.

Hall of Fame center fielder Willie Mays is nicknamed “The Say Hey Kid.”

2281. Nice rack

Once again, an old joke reduced to 5 lines:
During lunch with some guys at the deli
In came Susan, whose tits bounce like jelly
I can't recall who said,
"That Sue sure likes Moosehead.
The proof?  Antler marks on her belly."

2280. Pick your poison

'Til election, a short time remains
Aren't you sick of the same old refrains?
Trump: "Election she'll rig!"
Clinton: "Donald's a pig!"
Let's just hope that the winner re-brains.

OP361-362. The best costume

At my costume, the town stared, agape
Of a man likely guilty of rape
I am rich and I'm whiny
My hands, they are tiny
My hair looks like that of an ape.

And my face wears a permanent grump
For my dick is, quite simply, a stump
So I'm woefully wussy
I grab by the pussy
I'm going as Donald J. Trump.

2279. Evangelism can widen the schism

Ecumenical meeting, St. Louis:
Chatted up an attendee, a Jewess.
Told her, "Time you should try a
Switch to the Messiah."
She slapped me!  How come Jews eschew us?"

2277-2278. Responding to thrown gauntlets

I emailed #2274 to several people who don't read my blog.  One challenged me to write a limerick on conductor Wilhelm Furtwängler (accent on Furt):

That podium maestro named Furtwängler,
Had two 'sticks' but one was a curt dangler
Couldn't get a hard on
In his lower baton
He'd just squeeze women's tits like a shirt mangler.

The other writer, recalling the American leader in Hogan's Heroes, said, "The world cries out for a Bob Crane 'Colonel Hogan' limerick, citing his …ahem…. private proclivities."  That sent me googling for forgotten details on Crane's death and resulted in this one:

John H. Carpenter couldn't refrain
From joining trysts done with Bob Crane
They would film filthy flicks
With girls sucking their dicks
But when Bob dumped him, John whacked Crane's brain.

2276. If she won't give it up, poker

A friend challenged me to rhyme up 'Ajax.'   I sent him this one with the note, "When you Telamon to do something or otherwise Hector him, this is what you get."

At those game shows with Careys or Sajaks
The last-three-rows' viewers are "way-backs"
They could get better seats
By applying bad beats
But they'd need to have muscles like Ajax.
(My title's card-game reference is in L4.)

2275. Cleanup batter

A fellatrix named Linda O'Doul
Excels at caressing your tool
As she gives a great blow
Her tongue moves to and fro
When you're done, even swallows your gruel!

2274. The Otto pilot

The famous conductor named Klemperer
To some, perhaps, seemed like an emperor
But his tempi (so slow)
Needed get-up-and-go
And made many a list'ner a whimperer.

Otto's son, Werner, was an actor and played the Kommandant on Hogan's Heroes.  Thought you might enjoy that colonel of knowledge -- it's such a Klinky-dink.

2273. From lad to verse

In my youth, I was known for virility
But a more apt term now is 'senility'
Unlike earlier times
Now just write puns and rhymes;
My wife thinks it shows imbecility.

2272. Easy oath to keep

I belong to a rather large clique
It includes anyone with a dique
Who will vow that, "Each day
With my johnson I'll play,
Jacking off even when I am sique."

PD271-272. Two statuesque women

There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the purely fastidious.

2271. Thrust and Perry*

While plowing the trench of a rich bitch
I drilled with the speed of a DitchWitch™ 
Before I went slack
I threw out my back
But cannot remember from which twitch.
*Perry, Oklahoma is HQ for the company.

2270. Wednesday Frenzy

Both candidates came off as glib
(Although much which each said was a fib).
While I'm a conservative
Trump isn't deservative
I can't stand the cut of his jib.

PD266-270. Juicy Lucy

Found at a Brit site. Who knew nasty 'net nymphs were literate?
When your luscious delicious cock's showing
And stiffening, throbbing and growing
I get horny as hell
And my lips down there swell
With my juices damn well overflowing.

If you thrust with the passion of Zeus
You can squirt my whole face with your juice
If you want, I could suck
But if you wanna fuck
Ride me hard till I buck like a moose!

When a guy is a perverted prick
And his mind is a little bit sick
It makes it much better
And makes me much wetter
When he's got (but ain't) a big dick.

There's a word - it's called squelchy; I love it!
It's the noise when you push it and shove it
Of that sound I am fond;
From your slimy slick wand
I get wetter beyond and above it!

Please help my vagina go lube
With your sexy cylindrical tube
Its head I'll be teasing
While me you're appeasing
By sucking and squeezing my boob.

OP360. I'll drink to that!

It's autumn, the midst of October
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her
The summer did end
And the cold's 'round the bend
So I don't recommend being sober.

2269. À la recherche du temps perdu

If you're like me, you know things "about" lots of famous books which you haven't actually read.  A few days ago I was conversing with an e-pal and she said something about Paris and madeleines.

I pleaded ignorance to the tie-in.  She wrote back to say they were prominent in "Remembrance of Things Past."  The light then came on as I'd at least heard about Marcel's fondness for them.  It resulted in this limerick which I dashed off and sent her:

I'd forgotten those sweets loved by Proust
My poor recall came home to roost
Truth be known, never read
Anything which he said
So I'm glad that my mem'ry you've goosed.

2268. This may make you hungary

Esterhazy, a young prince from Buda,
Laid a maid on a huge wheel of Gouda
The girl was from Pest
And when they were enmeshed
You have never seen anything lewda.

2267. A flock of schlock

On what are Anu's choices based?
He must read the lim'ricks in haste.
Prints lots which don't rhyme
With no concept of time
It is clear that he has little taste.

Follow this link, note the five words (in blue, top right) and then scroll nearly to the bottom of the page to see the limericks chosen for "air time" by the website's author. (Scroll too far and you'll have to read my puns.)

I am e-friends with Benko and Dvoretzky and receive all five of their limmies each Friday.  On a weekly basis, it amazes me how Zelda's get (mostly) left out.  Only hers on "confute" was chosen for last week while four of Benko's five made it.  Look at which of Zelda's were left out by Anu:

I was sort of betwixt and between
when it came to the proper propine.
        Though the service was bad
        I still tipped the poor lad -
just a scared, inexperienced teen.
                    or
I would never presume to malign
a sommelier's choices of wine,
        but my steak calls for red,
        he brings rose' instead.
That adversely affects the propine.

Said the chef with a sigh of despair,
"Can't create with my usual flair;
        herbs and spices all flocculate,
        'gainst damp can't innoculate!
It also plays hob with my hair."

Don't just do what the other guy said.
Please decide with your own brain instead.
        We must strive to evolve
        because life won't absolve
us from just going where we are led.

It's not enough just to berate,
or more seriously objurgate.
        For fanatics, debate
        can't diminish their hate.
Adversaries they must extirpate.

As you'll note by reading all Mr. Garg's selections, some from other writers are beyond belief in badness and NEVER should have seen the light of day when the above were available.

2266. Third biggest lie*

Guess you realize men find it thrilling
To engage in the old tonsil drilling
Please don't ask us to stop
Before we've reached the top
(You will know when that comes, seed starts spilling.)

* The 3 biggest lies in the world are
      I love you,
      The check is in the mail, and
      I promise not to come in your mouth.

2265. The Assange Phalange*

Computer guys aren't always geeks
(Though you'd think so when one of them speaks)
But it's a fact, Jack,
That some know how to hack
And one place they cause flak?  WikiLeaks.
* An alternate spelling of phalanx.

2264. Gross grabber

The Donald has been looking dour
Once 'neck-and-neck,' he's lost allure
By having effrontery
To grab at gals' cuntery
This beast has defined "wild boor."

PD260-265. Six sexy sluts

A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked cunt was all callus
Wore the foreskin away
On uncircumcised Ray
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.

There once was a lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin losing air.

A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude
So she always went home with damp pants.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail
But the jailer got hot
To be lodged in her twat
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.

2263. Not up in the polls, either

Herr Donald has much narcissism*
'Tho to him it must seem realism
While he claims he is "YUGE!"
He is really a noodge
And, Viagra-less, lacks priapism.
* One of the AWADs last week

OP359. October surprise

It's Thanksgiving and you're looking perky
Make sure that you cook that big turkey
But you're out of luck
If you're not a Canuck
Till November, you're stuck! Ain't it quirky? 
Ed. note:  Click here to read all about it!

2262. Insolent incestuous idiot

Trump's daughter, the lovely Ivanka,
Is reserved, unlike poppa (that pronker)
When Stern said it so crass
Don agreed, "piece of ass."
Dad, the cad, should be banned to Sri Lanka.
Reported HERE (among other places.)

2261. Rosy Palms to the rescue

When your dick has reached total ascendance
But there isn't a girl in attendance
You can sit in the sand
And do it by hand
Thus insuring you'll spawn no descendants.

2260. Wet and wild warnings

If you stayed during Hurricane Matthew
Didn't leave, just stayed right in its path you
Are stubborn or deaf
Everybody else lef'
Makes me wonder, "What sort of brain hath you?"

OP357-358. Pick your poison

As Lewis Black said, it's a choice between two bowls of shit.  The only difference is the smell.

So if the US elects Hillary
There's plenty to pick from to pillory
Lots of money she'll spend
There's not much she'll amend
And I'll have to attend a distillery.

But if the US elects Trump
(A man with his head up his rump)
And gives him that power
Atop a tall tower
I'll sob for an hour, then jump.

2259. Shh. Why? Hmm.

At the top of this list you'll find 'A'
Each one of the five comes in play
If you don't know these vowels
Ought to clear brain and bowels
Until U can repeat them each day.

2258. Socially and physically stunted

There once was a rascal from Riga
Who loved playing games on his Sega
Didn't care much for gals
Avatars were his pals
Couldn't fuck anyway, dick too miga.

2257. Expert Marxmen

Alphabetically, Chico comes first
Harpo's muteness was fully-rehearsed
Groucho used lots of shticks
Gummo never made flicks
As a funny man, Zeppo was worst.

2256. Pesce problem

Once I've finished and withdrawn my dong
It can seem like I've done something wrong
Though no license for fishin'
I've fulfilled my wish 'n'
The odor of tuna is strong.

OP356. Sense and sensibility

I may as well try my hand at one of these lists.

I tell you, for all who will hear
The sight of that girl, I revere
And I treasure her touch
But to taste her? Too much
For her smell has me running in fear.

2255. Torah, Torah, Torah!

The opening book is called Genesis
On its heels you'll encounter the Exodus
Read Leviticus' laws
And then Numbers gives pause
Hark to wise Deuteronomy's second fuss.
(Deuteronomy means "second law" and recapitulates much of books 2 & 3.)

I sent that one to my 85-yr-old Jewish friend, Zelda.  She replied,
An acrostic that's based on the Pentateuch
Might make one return for another look.
        But it's so full of "Don't!"
        That maybe I won't.
I might find more joy in another book.

2254. More facts in five

The best borough of all is Manhattan
In The Bronx you'll find lots of folks Latin
Brooklyn's real name is "Kings"
Queens has airports and things
Then there's Richmond, the island called Staten.

2253. No Sweetheart of the Rodeo

There once was a cowgirl named Yount 
Whom the cowboys would all try to mount
But when she'd toss and twitch
Not one son of a bitch
Could stay on for an eight-second count.

Do you know what 'rodeo sex' is?  That's when you're screwing your wife doggy-style, you reach 'round her waist and clasp your hands, and whisper in her ear, "Your sister really likes it this way."  Then you try to hang on for eight seconds.

OP355. Egg-dropped soup

I took home a girl to disrobe her
But before I decided to probe her
I positioned my head
Near her cunt, where it bled
On the hunt for the red, in October.

The title is from this song.  Let me warn you, it, and really all his other work, is very NSFW.