1320. Just lonely, maybe?

Line 2 ends with the 4/28/14 word from AWAD.  I'd only heard it used as slang for 'vagina' -- not for a slutty woman.
A horny old bastard named Biff
Daily set out in search of a quiff
Why he did, I've no clue --
If he found one to screw
His poor pecker would never get stiff.

1319. Higher calling

Notice all the alt. spellings for the "ire" sound.  We have the great good fortune to speak, read and write a marvelous language!
There once was a Cantor named Meier
Who sang the shema with the choir
"You'd sound just like David,"
The congregants rave-ed,
"If you could but play a small lyre."

1318. The strait poop

The explorer named Ferdy Magellan
Began a long cruise that's worth tellin'
He tried circling the globe --
Being no germophobe
When all done, bet his ships were a'smellin'.

OP145. Oh yes, they call him The Streak...

There once was a man in the mood
To go running through town in the nude
So the girls got a peek
At his awesome physique
While the officers hotly pursued.

1317. Carolus the Querulous

The King of the Franks, Charlemagne,
Wasn't Holy or Roman, but vagne.
Was it this that inspired
The five bastards he sired
And with how many sluts had he lagne?
Hardly worthy of being in red... but it had been a while.

1316. How's this Sound?

I mentioned new-reader Richard back in #1311.  Thanks to the list of UK place names which he emailed me, numbers 1312-1315 came into being.  Perhaps I'll revisit Merry Olde England later but for today, my subject is Richard and Long Island Sound.

In his home forty miles west of Mystic
Richard harbors some thoughts most sadistic
And when he finds time
He heads into Old Lyme
And drives all the town folk ballistic.

1315. Getting hosed

A con man who worked out of Oakham
Would lure in his marks using hokum
He employed quite a spiel
In explaining the deal
And the folks who invested, he'd soak 'em.

1313-1314. Still smittain with Britain

There once was a whore from Carlisle
Who would screw any guy for a whisle
Then a man came along
With a prosthetic dong
'Twas the first time she'd said, "Not my stisle."

And whenever johns came up from Swaffham
They'd reach for their hats and they'd doff 'em
She thought it was cute
That they'd give this salute
But she'd charge just as much when she'd boff 'em.

1312. From coven to oven

There once was a witch from near Fakenham
Who liked stealing children and bakin' 'em
But Hansel and Gretel
Proved they had more mettle
They had to -- their mom had forsaken 'em.

1311. Future fodder

I've recently exchanged emails with a gentleman I 'found' at A Word A Day.  In response to AWAD's having featured 'Shakespearean characters who've become words' all last week, he sent them this clever note:

   "My other attorney is a Portia" would make a good (or, at any rate, interesting) bumper sticker.

I emailed him my praise and congratulations and mentioned my blog.  He replied that he was "a transplanted Brit from Connecticut", then wondered what 2nd line might go well with that...  Here's how I obliged him (and there's no truth at all in line 5):

A transplanted Brit from Connecticut
Responds to his emails with ecticut
But something is rotten
At home up near Groton,
He can't tell a noun from a precticut.

The fodder in my title refers to the several unusual place names from the UK which he also sent me.  My first limerick using one of them will appear tomorrow.  Thanks, Richard!

1310. Splatterin' pattern

Step back when a goat lifts its tail!
It's a sign that the shit's gonna sail
In pellet-like turds
Much like cottage cheese curds,
Except that they're brown and not pale.

1309. The best wind breaker, too

In my golf group, I'm by far the oldest
And my language is surely the boldest
I often do better
In jacket and sweater
Somehow, I play best when it's coldest.

1308. Semi-annual saints

A rich CEO* who's named Ken
Feels the missing of church is no sin
He'll get off his kiester
For Christmas or Easter,
The rest of the year he sleeps in.

*Initials for "Christmas/Easter Only", a label pastors give to Ken and his kin...

1307. Rendered de-gendered

"What's yours?" asked the bartender, Cliff.
She replied, "Anything.  Make it stiff."
The barkeep then said
While turning beet red,
"I can't ever since I had syph."

1306. I'm getting soft in the head, too

A man's dick can't spew effervescently
Without its first swelling tumescently
But mine's sad expansion
Means it's not gargantuan
Nor straight -- it is more of a crescent, see?

1305. Apologist theologist

My preacher is not one to shout
Educated and bright, he's no lout
Oft times his kerygma
Clears up an enigma
Which I had been wond'ring about.

1304. Thai a yellow ribbon?

A man heard a doc south of Burma
Had a sure way to make his dick firma
This cure of Old Siam's
Has made his like Priam's,
All wrinkles are gone from its derma.

1303. Black humor

If you visit in old Zanzibar
Head down to the local bazaar
You'll find natives sellin' an'
Notice their melanin
Gives them the same shade as tar.

1302. Conservative lass

There once was a woman from Pest
Who possessed only one tiny breast.
No left, just a right
Still, her pussy was tight
So no guy gave a damn 'bout her chest.

1301. 1st full week every April

You've got to feel sorry for pastors,
Attendance oft suffers disasters.
It happens each Spring,
And the mixed choir can't sing
For the men stay home watching The Masters.

PD136-138 And then...

The word 'til appears in each of these...
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's "
'Til he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.

There was a young girl from Edina,
Who shoved avians up her vagina
As much as she pleased,
'Til one day, she sneezed --
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!

There was a young man in Schenectady
And he found it quite hard to erect, said he
'Til he took an injection
For deficient erection
Which in just the desired way effected he.

1300. Bar? None.

There once was a tall local yokel
Whose wife longed to sing karaokel
He stifled her song
By inserting his schlong
Down her throat, which did squelch her chords vocal.

1297-1299. This corner lot is not so hot

My bermuda front lawn must be mowed
The runners are into the road
I wish I could wait
'Cause my health ain't that great
But it's time that I reap what I've sowed.

I refer to my winter weight gain
Though I should have gone jogging, I've lain
On the couch watching flicks,
Eating peppermint sticks,
After mowing I'll suffer much pain.

My house cannot look like a tenement
I'll mow the front -- please show some sen'iment
And cut me some slack
For not mowing the back,
I'll do it once I've rubbed in liniment.

1296. Star Whores

In the future, sluts Sally and Sookie
Were screwed by Chewbacca, the wookie
He'd spent time sequestered,
Growled this as he pestered
Them, "I've gone a year without nookie."

1295. Please, no Moore

When it's springtime upon the Great Plains
Cold fronts can bring much more than rains
Here's hoping tornadic
Events are sporadic
We've had enough suffering and pains.

Moore, Oklahoma is a suburb of Oklahoma City.  E5 tornadoes in 1999 and 2013 caused massive destruction and much loss of life.  The town was also hit by less-severe twisters in 1998, 2003, and 2010.

1294. So why the slang name?

A rooster could not be deterred
From trying to bugger a bird
He slipped his long lizard
Clear up to its gizzard...
Wait!  Cocks don't have dicks -- how absurd!
Feel free to chant a clear "Booooo!" for this one.

1293. Under the influence

Whenever my bank account's brimming
An urge makes me act like a lemming
It is as if a magus
Directs me to Vegas
For gambling and dining and quimming.

1292. The neck-ed truth

When you see sore-throated giraffes
Their plight's not intended fer laughs
If you knew one were sick would
You pour in Vicks liquid
Supplied in two-gallon carafes?

1291. Johnson & johnson

What a fucker was Justice Abe Fortas!
His wife loved his dick in her mortise.
The reason, of course,
He was hung like a horse
And could last past the life of a tortoise.
LBJ appointed Fortas to the Supreme Court in 1965.  Fortas resigned in 1969 under the threat of impeachment.

1290. Eat it and Iberia

As we strolled 'long the banks of the Tagus*
A Scotsman showed up with some haggis**
He offered us some
But we were not dumb
It was obvious he meant to gag us.

* A river in Portugal and Spain

** The national dish of Scotland -- a mix of oatmeal, spices and sheep's heart, liver and lungs chopped and wrapped up in a sheep stomach...yucchhh!

1289. This may stirrup discussion

Gynecologists down in Temecula
Use eight diff'rent models of specula
Which have so many apps --
Peeking, probing and Paps --
That it's hard to choose one in patecula.