1510. Herr today, gun tomorrow

An old German gunsmith named Gus
(An overly romantic cuss)
Once kissed someone's frau;
Her herr hit him, and how!
Gus had just made his first blunder buss.

1509. A word few have heard

An upstate New Yorker named Sally
Did not venture far from her alley
So to Sally, Schenectady
Was a synecdoche
For the entire Mohawk Valley.
With gratitude to AWAD yesterday for inspiring this one.

1508. That'll teach him to accost her

A black took a good-lookin' sister
To a motel and hugged her and kissed her
Then he undressed and tossed her
Result?  Herpes Zoster.
His johnson now sports a big blister.
Actually, his symptom indicates Herpes Simplex (but it didn't rhyme.)  "Zoster" is responsible for chicken pox and shingles.

1507. What's "right" about this?

A conservative woman named Megan
May desire sex, but will not go beggin'
She did not spread her tush
Under either George Bush
Seems she screwed her last time during Reagan.

1506. It wasn't avast amount

There once was a pirate named Frazier
Who thought he ought bury his treasure
But he pulled into port
To get drunk and cavort
And soon spent all his plunder on leisure.

1505. Un-retired

A reformed whore whose last name was Finnegan
Was broke, so decided to sin again
Went to her old corner,
Picked up a sojourner,
Within fifteen minutes 'twas in again.

1504. Trouble a’bruin

There once was a woman named Claire
Who had quite a hairy affair
Her lover was fat
With a big broad-brimmed hat –
You guessed it --  ‘twas Smokey the Bear!

1503. At least she's not a syringer

There once was a woman named Ginger
Who, when she would drink, was a binger
And she sometimes would go
To the famed Alamo
After first getting smashed at The Menger.
That famous San Antonio Hotel (click) is right next door.

10/27/2014  I've been informed that the hotel's name is pronounced MING-grr, not MEN- juhr.  Thanks to Claire, here's my emendation:

A woman I met at The Menger

Didn't stay long, refusing to linger.

Left the bar and did go

To the famed Alamo

On her way out, she gave me the finger!

1502. Wish I were his buddy

There once was a bastard named Aaron
Whose wife (name of Karen) was barren
So he saw nothing wrong
With allowing the dong
Of his best friend to fuck her -- what sharin'!

1501. Well, Islay be damned

The island of Islay is pronounced, "EYE-luh"
A niggardly Scotsman named Walt
Went in search of a cheap single malt
The bottle he found
Sold for only a pound
And his taste buds did fiercely assault.

PD161. And test her for TB

A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
"But," he said, "I must see
What the church wedding fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."

1500 Meters

It's been a long run.
A bitch in a bar told me, "Back off!"
My reply was, "Hell, I wouldn't jack off
If in bed with you,
And I sure wouldn't screw,
Out of fear that you might take your sack off!"

Ever hear the term "double ugly?"  That's when you make a woman wear a sack over her head during sex... and you wear one, too, in case hers breaks.

1499. Maracaibo mischief

A man in Caracas named Oliver
Was down to his very last Bolivar
Then a sneaky Italian,
A total rapscallion,
Stole that, too!  The thief's name was Taliaferro.

1498. From Sag Harbor, no doubt

A New York whore turned her last trick
With a body that made most men sick
Her tits were so droopy
That not even Snoopy
Was eager to give them a lick.

1497. I am NOT calling a spade...

A gardener who lived in a hovel
Saw a burglar out back, grabbed a shovel
He whacked him so hard
Out there in the back yard
The thief flew into space like Jim Lovell.

OP158. Is that a pickled pickle in your pocket...?

Since “The Limericist” can invoke poetic license with his last word of #1495, then so shall I do likewise with mine.
I’ve been told of a poor guy named Eric
Who was plagued by a wart on his derrick.
     But he made it go ‘way
     By applying each day
An appreciable dose of turmeric.       

I wonder how he mustard the courage to try it.

1496. 2½ pounds instead of two

If you're ugly and poor, be a butcher.
In training, you'll learn how to put cher
Big thumb on the scale
To increase every sale.
(We can't all be handsome like Kutcher.)
Actor Ashton Kutcher stars in the TV show "2½ Men."

1495. Why not wait 'til her period?

There once was a vampire named Boris
Whose bites left his victims quite porous
Once, bored with the neck,
He said, "What the heck?"
And bit off a maiden's clitoris.

1494. Older budweiser

In the part of L.A. known as Venice
Lived an athlete who loved playing tennis
But, advancing in years,
He changed hobbies to 'beers'
And his favorite among them was Guinness.

1493. Instadental pleasure

There once was a hooker named Hawes
Who would quickly take johns in her jaws
From canines to wisdom
The customers jizzed 'em
As she sucked their dicks without pause.

1492. Given that number, what do you expect?

'Cross the US, the banks are all closed
And our postman just stayed home and dozed
While indigenous folk
Think it's all a bad joke
That Columbus Day e'er got proposed.

1491. Red River Rivalry Redux

No love's lost 'tween OU and Texas
When they play it's like Battle of Sexes
Yearly Cotton Bowl Clash
Gets the fans acting rash
And if your team loses, it vexes.
Go, Sooners!!

1490. Please don't halter from drinking

A girl has been known to cause ripples
In the bars where she visits and tipples
Gets drunk, makes excuse
That, "My top was too loose
So it slipped down, exposing my nipples."

1489. Medical & grammatical scourge

Even hæmorrhages labeled "subdural"
Beat a virus from Africa rural
Some folks say, "Ebolae"
To rhyme with E. coli
But that wrongly makes it be plural.

1488. Bullet-nosed babe

There once was a gal from out west
With only one huge (centered!) breast
This feature did make 'er
Win "Miss Studebaker"
Each year that they held the contest.

1482-1487. Two days of bonding

I sent this to my classmates last night -- Ada, OK Class of 1964.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun!
Our reunion is over and done
To each gal and feller
I say, "It was stellar
To see you again.  Oh, what fun!"

How can it have been 50 years?
From what I observed, it appears
That we're all well-preserved
Leading lives well-deserved
For I saw mostly laughs and few tears.

Our committee planned things to the letter
How could it have gone any better?
Except for the lady
(I think her name's Sadie)
Who told me three times I had met her...

The food was fantastic each night
I don't think one person got tight
But I must confess
That I made quite a mess
Of keeping my wife in my sight.

I'd spot someone new and I'd walk
From her side as if off to go stalk!
I'm sure I was rude
But she knows when my brood
Is around me, I just have to talk!

You see, you are each very dear
Especially when you draw near
I pray for survival
'Til our next revival
Let’s do it again in one year!

1481. Hey, bust 'er

There once was a cocksman named Gary
Who took out a virgin named Sherry
He decided to wreck her
So poked with his pecker
Now Sherry has nary a cherry.

1480. Geezer gathering

It has been 50 years since high school
My reunion's tonight, I'll act cool
Unless my new gift
(As I visit, I drift
Off) occurs -- then I'm liable to drool.

1479. A smiley simile

When your dick's in her hole underneath
It is just like a knife in a sheath
And when you get through
A fun thing to do
Is to then smear your goo on her teeth.

1478. Muy Pobre

Oh, my!  It's the 1st of October
And time I began getting sober
I'll look on life dourly*
And feel 'very poorly'
(In Spanglish, that's said "Mooey Pober")

*As opposed to Dewar-ly.