All year I have followed the polls
With my friends while awaiting the bowls
Well, the games are now here;
As we watch them, I fear
That most smart people think we are trolls.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
1567. Did I arthur this one?
Rubinstein had a large penile wart;
Tried removing by soaking in Port
Wine while list'ning to nocturnes.
It must have been Cockburns
'Cause that's what it gave the old sport.
Tried removing by soaking in Port
Wine while list'ning to nocturnes.
It must have been Cockburns
'Cause that's what it gave the old sport.
Monday, December 29, 2014
PD165-166. THE limerick
I suppose it's time I posted it.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."
Allegedly, the first Nantucket limerick was completely clean and composed by a Princeton man in 1902...
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."
Allegedly, the first Nantucket limerick was completely clean and composed by a Princeton man in 1902...
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
1566. Homophonic (and ironic)
Joan Blondell, who divorced Michael Todd,
Sometimes sailed overseas from Cape Cod
When away on these trips
It gave rise to some quips:
Michael's friends liked to say, "She's a broad."
"Ironic" because Blondell often played an attractive, brassy character -- one Sinatra et. al. would have called a "broad."
Sometimes sailed overseas from Cape Cod
When away on these trips
It gave rise to some quips:
Michael's friends liked to say, "She's a broad."
"Ironic" because Blondell often played an attractive, brassy character -- one Sinatra et. al. would have called a "broad."
OP160. Roll again?
Sam, a backgammon star from the Saar,
Played a woman whose jeans were ajar.
Soon the game was forgotten
When Sam hit her blot, an’
She worked hard to get off his bar.
[This limerick was first composed during the Backgammon craze of the 1970’s and geographically recalled by the PD post of “Each of these four features a whore ” of March 2014.]
Played a woman whose jeans were ajar.
Soon the game was forgotten
When Sam hit her blot, an’
She worked hard to get off his bar.
[This limerick was first composed during the Backgammon craze of the 1970’s and geographically recalled by the PD post of “Each of these four features a whore ” of March 2014.]
Saturday, December 27, 2014
1565. Golf is a 4-letter word
Well, I played and it could have been worse
Didn't die so no need for a hearse
Though my muscles were stiff
I did not ever whiff*,
You could say that my backswing was terse!
*I got an email invite on Christmas to play 12/26. I replied and said, 'I'll be there but must I count my whiffs?'
He wrote back, 'They're now called FISH. You swing, you miss, you say 'Fuck! It's Still Here!'
Didn't die so no need for a hearse
Though my muscles were stiff
I did not ever whiff*,
You could say that my backswing was terse!
*I got an email invite on Christmas to play 12/26. I replied and said, 'I'll be there but must I count my whiffs?'
He wrote back, 'They're now called FISH. You swing, you miss, you say 'Fuck! It's Still Here!'
Friday, December 26, 2014
1564. Long layoff
This morning, I'm off to the links
I'll be shocked if a putt ever sinks
Haven't picked up a club
Since last June -- know I'll flub
Many shots with my swing that just stinks.
I'll be shocked if a putt ever sinks
Haven't picked up a club
Since last June -- know I'll flub
Many shots with my swing that just stinks.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
1563. Yule enjoy it more
Be nice today, don't give no sass
The best holiday's come to pass!
Drink from the decantah
Pretend it's 'bout Santa
But don't forget: it is Christ's Mass.
Regardless of your religious beliefs, I wish you a Merry Christmas!
The best holiday's come to pass!
Drink from the decantah
Pretend it's 'bout Santa
But don't forget: it is Christ's Mass.
Regardless of your religious beliefs, I wish you a Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
1562. Tossers
If more than thrice daily you jack off
Well, your eyeglass prescription won't back off.
If that hair in your palms
Has been giving you qualms
I suggest that perhaps you should slack off.
Well, your eyeglass prescription won't back off.
If that hair in your palms
Has been giving you qualms
I suggest that perhaps you should slack off.
OP159. Shut out at the Long Branch Saloon
Young Augustus, trail hand from Clear Boggy,
Had a dick like spaghetti when soggy.
He rode into Dodge City
To roger Miss Kitty;
She quipped, “Get a dong, little Augie.”
A follow-up by The Limericist...
Augie's eyes had a look that was squinty
And his breath could have used something minty
Hookers told him, "Get lost, uh
Your pitiful pasta
Looks cooked past the stage of al dente."
Had a dick like spaghetti when soggy.
He rode into Dodge City
To roger Miss Kitty;
She quipped, “Get a dong, little Augie.”
A follow-up by The Limericist...
Augie's eyes had a look that was squinty
And his breath could have used something minty
Hookers told him, "Get lost, uh
Your pitiful pasta
Looks cooked past the stage of al dente."
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
1561. No nasty habit here
A nun really wanted to come
But refused to use fingers and thumb
And since she didn't cater
To any vibrator
She spent her whole life feeling glum.
But refused to use fingers and thumb
And since she didn't cater
To any vibrator
She spent her whole life feeling glum.
Monday, December 22, 2014
1560. Dimwit destiny
A none-too-bright girl from Bryn Mawr
Was told that she wouldn't go fawr
This prophecy (chilling)
Turned out self-fulfilling,
She spends all her time in a bawr.
Was told that she wouldn't go fawr
This prophecy (chilling)
Turned out self-fulfilling,
She spends all her time in a bawr.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
PD164-166. Oceanography
I'll be out of town for 3 days. Here are 3 classics to "tide" you over until Monday.
There once was a girl from South Philly
Who quit Greenpeace (she thought it was silly)
I said, " Don't worry, Gail,
You can still pet a whale,
Simply undo my fly and free willy!"
There was a young fellow of Crew
Whose tool was so straight and so true
That the Navy when fighting
Could use it for sighting
From a mile it could sink a canoe.
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did---which was why they had come.
There once was a girl from South Philly
Who quit Greenpeace (she thought it was silly)
I said, " Don't worry, Gail,
You can still pet a whale,
Simply undo my fly and free willy!"
There was a young fellow of Crew
Whose tool was so straight and so true
That the Navy when fighting
Could use it for sighting
From a mile it could sink a canoe.
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did---which was why they had come.
1559. Cream dream
A virginal frat boy named Lew
Couldn't get any coed to screw
Fantasized 'bout a liplock
While filling his whipsock
From toe clear to top with his goo.
When I was in the Air Force, buddies and I would see who could make up the cleverest alliterative sentence for requesting a blow job from a girl. Here are a few I recall and the first contains a word I re-used above:
“How’d you like to lay a loose, loving liplock on my long, lanky log?”
“Why don’t you masticate my malleable member?”
“May I shove my shapely shaft into your chute?”
Couldn't get any coed to screw
Fantasized 'bout a liplock
While filling his whipsock
From toe clear to top with his goo.
When I was in the Air Force, buddies and I would see who could make up the cleverest alliterative sentence for requesting a blow job from a girl. Here are a few I recall and the first contains a word I re-used above:
“How’d you like to lay a loose, loving liplock on my long, lanky log?”
“Why don’t you masticate my malleable member?”
“May I shove my shapely shaft into your chute?”
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
1558. Left out
From this reddest of red states* I may
Have to pick up and move far away
The conservative views
That I read in the news
Make it harder and harder to stay.
*In national election coverage, TV maps use blue for states won by Democrats and red for Republicans. Of Oklahoma's 77 counties, each voted "red" in the last two presidential elections.
Have to pick up and move far away
The conservative views
That I read in the news
Make it harder and harder to stay.
*In national election coverage, TV maps use blue for states won by Democrats and red for Republicans. Of Oklahoma's 77 counties, each voted "red" in the last two presidential elections.
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