1419. Whack jobs

There continues to be lots of drama
Surrounding Barack H. Obama
Seems that many repubs
Want to take bats and clubs
And visit upon him blunt trauma.

1418. How's my credit?

I'm willing to pay for some snatch
At a whore house.  I'd find me a match
And pay two hundred bucks
For just one of their fucks,
Got the itch but I don't have the scratch.

1416-1417. Blessings on thee, little man!

The poet who wrote the words in my title was a lot whittier than I...

Today came my first grandson, Thomas!
Will his voice sound like Fernando Lamas'?
Will he be tall and skinny,
Be brilliant like Pliny
Or prophesy like Nostradamus?

Quite frankly, I really don't care,
I'm just happy for him and his par-
ents (my son and his wife)
Who have brightened my life --
My joy's almost too much to bear!

1415. "Breeze, please"

A foul-smelling quipster named Brent
Went camping with friends in a tent
His B.O. and farts
Didn't win any hearts
He got nicknamed 'the pungent pun gent.'

1414. Dresher* couplings

A guy from the oil patch named Dresher
Likes giving old maids a refresher
The pecker he's packing
Makes fucking like fracking,
He fills up their holes under pressure.
*Actually, they're Dresser couplings and are used to repair damaged pipe.

1413. More than one per day

Today is my third anniversary
Of posting these poems so cursory
That means they are short
But I need to report
That the red ones aren't fit for a nursery!

Thank you, readers!  Your regular visits encourage me to keep writing my doggerels.  I just wish there were more of you.  I write for bright, educated people and am pretty sure that if I lowered my standards and ceased to use esoteric themes and words, this blog's readership would be much larger.

Since I refuse to do that, do I need to switch to Facebook?  Please email limericist@cox.net if you have an idea for reaching more limerick lovers.

1412. A Handy* place to visit

In Memphis, the street they call Beale
Offers barbecue, blues, sex appeal
And the Hotel Peabody
Is charming and gawdy 
Its ducks are all mallards, not teal.

*St. Louis Blues composer W.C. Handy also wrote The Memphis Blues
and The Beale Street Blues.

1411. Undebatably true

Hey, husbands, when you and wife bicker
Over whose point of view is the slicker
Please take my advice
Which I think you'll find nice,
Don't just be argumentative.... dicker.

1410. Well, excuuuuuse me!

Reader OkieJokey commented on #1406 this morning (q.v.) and criticized my intentional mispronunciation of W. Somerset Maugham's surname.  Frankly, I couldn't gather enough words with the rhyming "awm" sound to get a funny story-line so I resorted to "ogg-um."

Well, Okie, to show you that I could have "said" it correctly, if nonsensically, here's a follow-up:

I for sure can pronounce Mr. Maugham
His name rhymes with a mayor named Rahm
For years Daleys were annual
Then 'long came Emanuel
Corrupt like them, but with aplomb.

(Foreign readers: Rahm Emanuel is the current mayor of Chicago, following Richard M. Daley who served from 1989-2011.  Daley's father, Richard J. Daley, served from 1955-1976.)

1409. 'Member' of the cabbage family

When Adam one day coop had flown
It left Eve in the garden alone
Lacking cock of a boy
She used stalk of bok choy --
First case of 'organically groan.'

1408. Do you feel badgered?

There once was a very nice otter
Who could swim in both warm and ice water
If your patience he'd test
By being a pest
You could shoo him with any fly swatter.

OP153. Sucking up

A lousy employee named Valerie
Was paid an exorbitant salary
Though she sucked at her job
She would swallow each gob
For her boss's cumload was low-calorie.

1407. What the flock?

A sheep rancher did something dastard-
ly, causing a very aghast herd.
His actions behind 'em
Quite clearly defined 'im,
As purely a bestial bastard!

1406. Maugham's the word

I take varied subjects and blog 'em
Today I'll do Somerset Maugham
His most famous book*
Was often mistook
For one about slaves -- how to flog 'em.
*Of Human Bondage

1405. Ahhh Strunk

English lovers from old Senatobia
Would rather impress than disrobe ya
Using language quite proper
They don't come a cropper
They learned it online -- GRAMMARPHOBIA!

I only learned about that blog last week and have already enjoyed several hours reading thru archives.  I highly recommend it!

1404. Takes one to know one

Don't lie, 'cause I know what you want,
To hide it would be an affront
To my knowledge of men:
The straight ones all yen
For TV, sports, big tits and cunt.

1403. The Tiger sanction

The golfer, real name Eldrick Woods,
Has trouble with shouldn'ts and shoulds
Loose life, lost his wife,
Now thrice under the knife
He can no longer bring home the goods.
Woods won his14 major championships from 1997 thru 2008.  In the 2014 British Open, he was 69th out of 72 golfers who made the cut.

1402. Playboy or Penthouse?

There once was a boy with a hankerin'
To date and try out hanky-pankerin'
But the guy was too shy
To give women a try
So he stayed in his room at home, wankerin'.

1401. We can really pick 'em, can't we?

(Insert politician's name) is stupid and crass
Or maybe just has to pass gas.
He never needs tissue
For on every issue
He's got his damned thumb up his ass.

1400. A bit nonchalant, I'd say

It pains me to watch Ernie Els
Play golf from the sand and the dells.
And when he is putting
He quickly goes strutting
To putt it again; his game smells.
Els barely managed to break 80 in the first round of the 2014 British Open -- 13 shots worse than Rory McIlroy's 66.  Here's one reason why (click.)  Somebody needs to backhand him...

1399. A real corker

An Hasidic young Jew was so cautious
That he never left home sans galoshes
And when out with the girls
Why, his cute sideburn curls
Did outshine Sophie's, Beth's and Natasha's.

1398. Smear tactics

A pathology student named Whitt
With a microscope, faltered a bit.
When asked to decide,
"Which worms found on this slide?"
It turned out he didn't know shit.

1397. A vast wasteland*

Most shows on TV I despise
So few are for folks who are wise
And the ones with good plots
Often aren't in prime slots
And get cancelled when ratings don't rise.

*53 years later, it's (click) "a toxic dump."
Note: The clip's lead-in misspells his last name.  It's "Minow."

1396. Idaho if you'll like this one

A pederast in Coeur d'Alene
Kept a teen boy for pleasure and pain
Since the youngster cross-dressed
In this town 'way out west,
Folks called him "Catamity Jane."

If that leaves you speechless, perhaps a "catamite got your tongue?"

1395. Now you tell me

After planting some seeds (they were Burpee's)
Farmer Brown took a gal out for Slurpees
Things progressed, he inserted,
Got done, then she blurted,
"I think you should know I have herpes."

1394. Avoiding Common Corps

A hoofer who hailed from Hanoi
Went to Moscow to join the Bolshoi
Since not classically trained,
She wasn't retained
They refused to employ hoi polloi.

1393. Do you suppose he's paid a celery?

A nutritionist said in his talk,
"You should eat foods containing a stalk."
He told us that rhubarb
Has only a few carb-
ohydrates.  Still, taste makes me balk.

1392. What a drip

Upon coming home from the Doc's
My boyfriend said, "I have the pox."
So, that son of a bitch
Is who's made my cunt itch!
The unfaithful prick gores my ox.

1391. Alp me wander

In July if you're near Chamonix
You should go there to see where Frogs skix
After that, I think yeux
Should head north to Montreux
Where their jazz fest perhaps you will six.
Apologies to The Beach Boys for that title.

1390. Able-bodied semen

A hooker who knew Captain Bligh
Gave all crew members blow jobs, no lie!
Before she would stop
She would suck every drop,
Which led to the saying, "bone dry."
If she had been on HMS Bounty, I doubt the men would have mutinied.

1389. Today's slant on things

I know of a tourist named Lisa
Who always has longed to see Pisa
With its tower which leans
Ah, but fate intervenes --
The date just expired on her visa.

1388. Easier said than done

When a horny guy sees his first twat
He's liable to come on the spot!
She'd like it much better
If he'd only let her
Insert him 'fore firing his shot.

1387. Sunshine patriots

Many U.S. citizens don't appreciate freedom.  This gives me Paine.
The Fourth of July comes each year
Celebrated with flags and good cheer
We're lucky descendants,
For our independence
Is worth more than fireworks and beer.

In 1776, Thomas Paine wrote, These are the times that try men's souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

1386. Halep 'bout this?

Simona had two massive mounds
34 double D's, folks said, "Zounds!"
A doctor used suction
To give her reduction
The stuff he pulled out weighed ten pounds!

Belgian Simona Halep lost in today's Wimbledon semifinals.  She had breast reduction surgery when she was still a teenager.  Here are before and after pics.

1385. Sound familiar?

There once was a fellow from Dayton
With sex drive in need of some satin'
And so he got married
But now he's more harried --
The bitch he wed doesn't like matin'.

1384. Behave or be nettled

When it comes to religious hegemony
There's no group as strong as the Yemeni
If folks do not follah
Mohammed and Allah
They're stung with a big sea anemone.
And they call the wound Shari'a...

1383. Pay to play

Don't ever try stiffing a whore
(You screw, you don't pay, out the door)
'Cause if her pimp finds you
He more than reminds you,
His thugs beat you 'til you're quite sore.