1082. Location, Location

A New Orleans whore needing real dough
Plied her trade just outside The Cabildo
Tourists mainly were there
Just to see Jackson Square
So she only got sex from her dildo.

OP114. Helps for Phelps

A lowly man from humble digs
Banished demons to a herd of pigs
But the Westboro throng
Has again got it wrong
For their book really states God hates figs.*

*Matthew 21:19.

1081. Rapid response

On a walk on a windy day, Curt
Saw a gust lift a pretty girl's skirt
At that glimpse of her haunch, he
Began feeling raunchy
And instantly started to flirt.

1080. Titian coition?

A fastidious fellow named Drew
Picks just certain women to screw
These gals (if he fucks 'em)
All have to be buxom
With skin of a gently pale hue.

1079. A huge step toward equality

Our SCOTUS struck down part of DOMA
Right-wingers are all in a coma
But states still make rules
So only gay fools
Will plan weddings in Oklahoma.
The acronyms in line one are for Supreme Court of the U.S. and Defense of Marriage Act.

1078. Lazy loser

This one was spawned by my hearing someone on radio say "laxadaisical." 
Lackadaisical Louie, that creep,
When fucking likes going in deep
But it isn't often
He does any boffin'
'Cause most of the time he's asleep.

1077. His books are better

Last night on TV in my home
Watched a new series, "Under the Dome"
Like most Stephen King
First show's full of zing
Next week I'll revert to a tome.
It was pretty good, but I expect a "descent to mediocrity" in plots, writing and acting will begin soon.

1076. Broadening the palate

The not-too-experienced Larry
Told his girlfriend their love-life should vary
They tried soixante-neuf
But the act made the roof
Of his mouth feel all coated and hairy.

1075. Fan of Felix Leiter?

There once was a fellow named Burke
Who had an annoying quirk
When at a Bond flick
Stood flicking his Bic
And in general, being a jerk.

1074. Service with a smile

A prostitute, born kinda shy,
Would loosen up (that is, she'd try)
With clever wise cracks
While you worked to climax
The result?  You would come through the wry.

OP113. The definitive guide to this site

The limericks you see in black
Will have zero effect on your sack
But the ones colored red
Make it rise from the dead
To the maximum size that you pack.

1072-1073. Where has everyone gone?

Was something I said too offensive?
Are you whelmed 'cause this blog's so extensive?
My readership's down
So I'm wearing a frown
Do my limericks make you too pensive?

Well, sorry, I don't give a whit.
Furthermore, by god, I will not quit
Trying to be a fun writer
Appealing to brighter
Folks.  If that ain't you, well tough shit!

1071. A Saudi excuse for a limerick

My ex-girlfriend (bitch named Rebecca)
Steadfastly refused my big pecca
She hadn't the charm
Of Miss Sunny Brook Farm
And I now wish she'd migrate to Mecca.

1070. A Fleeting moment

There once was a homo named Todd
Whose partner, Rick, had a strong bod
They went to the cinema
Then Todd had an enema
Before riding Rick's rigid rod.

1067-1069. For a friend

I've written some rhymes for Mike Pate
Who has way too much on his plate
So his golf game does suffer
(He's worse than a duffer)
Too often at work he stays late

But now that he's not nine-and-fifty
Priorities might have to shift, he
May grow less contrarian,
This sexagenarian,
Which Marcia would find much more nifty!

Mike, I doubt that you celebrate Earth Day
But a Gaia like you needs a mirth day
So enjoy the scene
On this fine June eighteen
And have a great sixtieth birthday!

1066. Not the Merion kind

Phil Mickelson took his June pride
And swallowed it deeply inside.
He'll have to keep hopin'
To win U.S. Open,
Six times he's been bridesmaid, not bride.

1065. Some habits die hard

A cross-dressing fellow named Sneed
At a dance picked the first man he see'd
Secret given away
When he just had to say,
"Hey, big guy.  You follow, I'll lead."

1064. Virginia Bitch

A hooker who works Newport News
Gets rich when the fleet ends a cruise
The town becomes teemin'
With thousands of seamen
All eager to get 'em some cooze.

1063. Paint ball might be safer

While role-playing on his back porch
A kid took an arrow to torch
He spilled lighter fluid
Upon a small druid
And gave the child's costume a scorch.

1062. Jim's nims

There once was a London lad, James,
Whom everyone called by bad names
They all mispronounced him
And further renounced Jim
By tossing him into the Thames.

1061. Attitude adjuster

There's a woman who lives in Fort Riley
Who can put on a look that's beguiley
And when it's enacted
Your dick gets protracted
And you go from frowning to smiley.

1060. Who's dissin' who?

There once was a bastard named Lou
Who sometimes invection would spew.
Told his wife 'You're a cunt'
Which she called "an affront
to my dignity -- therefore, fuck you!"

1059. Up and atom

A physicist, first name of Niels,
Came up with some quite brilliant diels
The element, Bohrium,
Was named in memoriam
The man was so smart, gives me chiels.
Among other things, he proposed the model of the atom with electrons orbiting a nucleus.

1058. Couldn't prise the thighs

A man took a girl to debauch
So's to add to his bed one more notch
First, took her to dinner
But couldn't get in 'er
'Cause she wouldn't open her crotch.

1057. Drink to the devil

There once was a fellow named Bruno
Who went to the opera in Juneau
He was totally soused
So missed much of Faust
A work by composer Charles Gounod.
Music lovers will note that I stressed the wrong syllable in Charles' last name.  You might enjoy OkieJokey's post about Messieur Gounod found HERE.

1056. Grow some balls!

This one's 'bout a fellow named Peyton
Whose favorite pastime was datin'
But he never got
Inside a girl's twat
He was too shy to ask one for matin'.

1055. She's on celery

A pretty employee named Barb
Can often be seen in fine garb
Her clothes are all new
Her dress size is two
(Eats nothing with more than one carb.)

1054. This may soil you

A gay Jewish man from Ho-Ho-Kus
Likes planting nasturtiums and crocus
Sometimes when out gardening
His dick will start hardening
From thoughts of a schlong up his tochus.
Yiddish for buttocks, it's also spelled tochas, tochess, toches, tuchus, tuchas, tokus and maybe more ways in English.

1053. Go East, young man

A man on vacation named George
Took a trip to the deep Royal Gorge
He fell off the side
And of course he then died
Should have visited flat Valley Forge.

1052. Hot cross buns

A weirdo from Egypt named Cronk
Would wank near his wife like a wonk
And when he would come
He'd wipe some on her bum
Inscribing the shape of an Ankh.