960. Hoping for a crop failure

A young woman knelt down to pray,
"Keep me out of the family way."
Night before, her guy's snow job
Spawned more than a blow job
In parlance, they went all the way.

959. Pants on fire

I know a neat widow named Nancy
Who claims she's no longer romancy.
But I think she lies,
And will soon cast her eyes
On a man who will tickle her fancy.

958. Class struggles

A wild college student played hookie
To screw girls and visit his bookie.
Was supposed to be majoring
In English, not Wagering,
And studying, not chasing nookie!

957. Demon rum

A drinker who's quaffed a fair river
Of rum needs a live-in caregiver.
He's had a thrombosis
And suffers cirrhosis, 
Methinks he requires a spare liver.

956. Home on the strange

A rascal who lives way out west
Ignores his wife's fervent behest.
She pleads, "Please don't cheat"
But his brain's in his meat,
Finding strange is his regular quest.

OP81. That's the norm

There once was a fellow named Norman
Whose upbringing made him a Mormon
Like his fellow fundies
He wore magic undies
This is Norman the Mormon conformin'.

955. Food foibles

There is an old fellow named Billy
Whose habits at dining are silly.
Eats soup with a fork,
Puts grape jam on pork,
And only drinks coffee that's chilly.

954. Tokin' gesture

A woman had beautiful boobies
With nipples as reddish as rubies.
After having a fuck
She and partner would suck
On a couple of tightly-rolled doobies.

An old joke goes
1st whore: "Do you smoke after you screw?"
2nd whore: "I don't know, I've never looked."

953. I may go cruisin'

There once was a woman named Susan
Whose mom said, "It's time you were choosin'
A husband."  But Susie
Was sort of a floozy
And spent all her time at bars boozin'.

952. No air apparent

A woman I know who is busty
Unfortunately, isn't lusty.
She never employs
Her toy made for boys
Consequently, it always smells musty.

951. Berth defect

There once was a woman named Whitt,
Whose sex life was not worth a shit.
She couldn't orgasm
No, nary a spasm
Because she was born with no clit.

950. It left him horse

There once was a cowboy named Goff,
Who fell in a watering trough
Where germs did abound.
When he climbed out, he found
That he had an incurable cough.

OP80. Rand-om thoughts

This one was received via email from Amanda B. Reckondwith, erstwhile reader and commenter at this blog.  Perhaps he/she will someday return...
A harridan-hag, name of Ayn,
Was a cunt for whom I did not payn.
One day, I just shrugged,
And hauled off and slugged
Her, and later I felt really fayn.

949. Ingrates

Each day to the Jews God sent manna,
They got grumpy, would not sing "Hosanna."
"We want meat!" they did wail
So the Lord sent them quail
But they still wouldn't march 'neath His banna.

Since blog member OkieJokey likes to put in scriptural stuff, the above comes from the story in Numbers, Chap. 11, verses 31 and continuing.

948. Dose-y...DOH!

"Getting a dose" is slang for contracting gonorrhea.
A crass, careless asshole named Rich
Had a genital drip and an itch.
He left it untreated
So each gal he meated
Got clap from that son of a bitch!

947. Not a Claude hopper

An impressionist music fan, Vaughn,
Arises each morning at dawn.
He inserts a CD
Of Claude Debussy
To hear L'après-midi d'un Faune.

PD71. Manwich

Found this gem on Reddit, had to share it:

There once was a witch from Wisconsin
Whose cackle was low, but was constant.
In my ear she did whisper
"I am really a mister
And my broomstick is really my johnson."

946. His personal "Paradise Lost"

That poor old blind Englishman, Milton,
Had a dick with a habit of tiltin'
Quite far to the right.
Made his girlfriend uptight
So she gave poet Milton a jiltin'.

945. Brand(ed) allegiance

There once was a man named McCutcheon
Who did not trust his spouse very much, 'n
He took a sharp knife
And carved on his wife
(On her forehead) the family escutcheon.

OP79. Heathen!

To the few that I knew in the pew
Who aren't too much enthused with this view
I agree on the odds
Against all other gods
But conclude there's one fewer than you.

I know, I have a lot of these...

PD70. Skin flute

I see a few composer limericks in here, but the list is not complete without this one.  Too bad it's not my own.

There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.

944. Where can I find her?

There once was a woman named Grady
Whose sexual habits were shady.
She screwed every guy
Who captured her eye
For Miss Grady was hardly a lady.

OP78. Knock-out paunch

Jersey's straightforward Governor Christie

Gained great girth that's a topic for grist.  He

     Has drawn comments in Op-Ed

     That he might soon drop dead.

The prospect makes backers’ eyes misty.

943. Soda result is obesity

An overweight Mexican, Lola,
Will greet you by shouting out, "Hola!"
She's awfully fat
And the reason is that,
10 times daily she drinks Coca Cola.

942. What a cad

An incorrigible naughty lad
Did things that were awfully bad.
All day, masturbated
But still wasn't sated
So then fucked his girlfriend a tad.

OP77. Oslo fall from power

A Norwegian fifth columnist, Quisling,

Was rewarded by Hitler with Riesling.

     But despite that Rhine wine

     His regime met decline.

He was shot.  Now his soul’s in Hell sizzling.

Thank you, Mr. Limericist, for providing my inspiration with your #941.  However, you’ll have to cut me some poetic license slack for the second line’s non-rhyme (See Comment).

Vidkun Quisling (1887-1945) was head of Norway’s fascist National Unity Party, and he aided in the April 9, 1940, German invasion and occupation of Norway.  He led a Norwegian-administered pro-Nazi puppet government from 1942-1945.  Convicted of Treason, he was executed by firing squad.  His name has become a synonym for traitor.

OP76. Extending his services

There once was a pastor named Sims
Whose services ran by his whims
But that's not explaining
Why his wife's complaining
He always does so many hims.

PD69. Slim lims

There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short...

941. Does this make me a 5th Columnist?

It's February 5th and I'm going to try something new.  Although it is considered anathema to rhyme the same word twice in a limerick -- I'm going to do it five times!  I just find it interesting that the word can have so many different usages.

An alto could not sing a fifth,
On trial, she pleaded the fifth.*
Double-tithed, that's a fifth
In a race came in fifth
And never drank less than a fifth.**

*  Non-Americans -- the 5th amendment to the US constitution allows one not to answer a question in a court of law if it might incriminate him.

** Before switching to the metric system, liquor was sold using the English system -- ounces, pints, etc.  A very popular quantity was 4/5 of a quart, commonly referred to as "a fifth" since it was 1/5 of a gallon.

p.s. Besides its being a pun, does anyone know to what my title refers?

940. He snares 'em

An African guy named Mogambo
Plays drums in a rock 'n roll combo.
He's good with the sticks
And picks up lots of chicks;
Later, they horizontally mambo.

939. Pity party

The Super Bowl kickoff is nigh,
No party invite for me (sigh.)
Guess I'll watch from my chair
(Maybe fall asleep there)
And recall social times that were high.

938. Moonstruck

A very odd man who's a Sooner,
Eschews any thoughts of a nooner.
Only mounts his wife's hips
When there's an eclipse,
Odder still, the thing has to be lunar.

PD66-68. Hope these don't cause a math exodus

An equation is 2nd to 0.
x² + 2y = 1
√c
= i – b
My goodness, ain't algebra fun!

Most mnemonics in math for my pop's
Younger sister have proved to be flops.
Please Excuse My Dear Aunt—
Sally's knowledge is scant
Of the order of algebra ops.

"Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" is a mnemonic (memory aid) for remembering the order of operations when doing algebra problems -- Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction.

PD65. General relativity

There once was a (person) from (place)
Whose (body part) was (special case)
When (event) would occur
It would cause (him or her)
To violate (law of time/space).

I didn't know what to call it...

937. Anatomy lesson

A horny old whore named Marie
Will fuck any fellow with glee!
And if he's a virgin
She'll coach him by urgin',
"Please enter beneath where I pee."