OP529-533. Deserving of their own hearing

87-yr-old Zelda Dvoretzky of Haifa emailed this Kavanaugh-bashing batch to me and several other AWAD pals:

We were hammered. It's all a big lie 

and besides, it was some other guy.

     Don't know why she's so sore;

     we did not even score

'cause the bros and I drank the keg dry.

Well, maybe it is kind of sad,

but we never did anything bad.

     We were just having fun,

     and I wasn't the one.

Be a pal and please don't tell my  dad.

Besides, as I best can recall,

we were all having malts at the mall

     with our Sunday School group

     and the Eagle Scouts troop,

so we couldn't have been there at all.

It's disgusting the way rumors travel.

This political plot we'll unravel.  

    All those Dems out to get me,

     they didn't upset me.

Case closed. Someone hand me my gavel.

I wrote back saying, "Gadzooks, Zelda!  You're even better sans AWAD fetter.  (Hmmmm.  Do I hear the makings of another limmie?)

She replied,

Perhaps, sans the old AWAD fetter,

I could write limericks even better!

     Phil, you've planted the seed;

    you might be right indeed.

Thanks for that, and your lovely fan letter.

Not wanting to let her have the last word, I emailed her #2909.

2909. Mutual admiration

That Zelda; how I'd like to pet her,
I cherish the day that I met her.
For she "lims" the best rhymes
(All with anapæst times)
She's a four score and seven go-getter!

2908. In the pink of health

A teenager once had a notion
To masturbate with Jergens™ Lotion
The stuff was so thick
And so slick on his dick
That he came in waves just like an ocean.

2907. He should say, "Iowapologies."

The Iowa senator, Grassley,
Treated Dr. Ford ever so crassly
He shrank up the colons
Of most Repub. solons
And pissed off the Democrats vas'ly.

2905-2906. Tightwad of tenderness and intelligence

Today's AWAD is clutchfist and means "miser."  Strangely, I wrote this limerick yesterday.
Our president acts sanctimonious
But some of his acts are felonious
To women he's dingy
With immigrants, stingy
A synonym is 'parsimonious.'

Now I will add this one to the day's output:
Trump's tweets usher forth like a geyser
Looks and talks like he's had much Budweiser™
So full of pomposity
(What a monstrosity!)
Content-wise, though, he's a miser.

2904. Britney Griner, maybe?

A man with a 14" schlong
Stayed a virgin, and here's what was wrong:
He said, "I'll not screw
For that just would not do
'Til an equal-depth gal comes along."
At 6'9 she might qualify but she's a lesbian.

2903. But please, not me!

Lim'ricks just aren't as funny when smutless,
Make me think that the author was gutless.
When the words are all clean
Art form he does demean
Deserves losing his nuts to a cutlass.

I borrowed from this pubic domain one:

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Danced a hornpipe for all of his mates,
But he slipped on his cutlass,
And made himself `nut-less`,
And now he's just worthless on dates.

2902. Akhanaten sure that this is true

The Egyptian sun god was named Ra
And a great many held him in awe.
But not Nefertiti,
And what a great pity
That her name implied, "needs no bra."

2901. Luxoriate in this

Long before the enslavement of Hebes
Some ancient tomb raiders in Thebes
Heard words from a mummy
Just tryin' to be chummy
Which gave them some bad heebie-jeebes.

2900. Short-changed

In inches, men's dicks average six
Yet cunts can take seven from pricks
If you work out the math
What's unused in "the path"
Becomes miles; how completely redix!
If you figure 3 billion men having sex an average of 20 times annually, we're being fucked out of close to a million miles of pussy per year!  Here's the math:

1" • 3 billion men • 20 times/year = 60 billion inches.

Divide that by 12 and you get 5 billion feet.
Divide that by 5,280 and you get 946,970 miles.

Over 7.4 billion people on earth but I'm figuring a lot of men are too young or too old to be sexually active and of those who are (and are also hetero), 20 times per year may actually be generous!!

2899. I thought they liked foreplay

The female sex sure can befuddle
With motives clear as a mud puddle.
Men like sucking their tits
And caressing their clits
While gals say, "How about we just cuddle?"

2898. Pat-her-asty

While dummy (at friends for some bridge)
I went in to check out their fridge
Ran into their daughter,
Could not have been hotter
So I squeezed her ass just a smidge.
(Pederasty involves only males.)

2897. A true Harlequin Romance

A gay man who hailed from Karachi
Had a trousseau of suits by Versace
He sought matrimonio
With guy playing Tonio
In Leoncavallo's Pagliacci.

2896. Another definition of 'vacuous'

There once was a woman named Rose,
Eating dicks was the job that she chose.
It was no task at all
Sucking new tennis ball
Through a 50-foot long garden hose.

2895. The rest of the story

Author and great friend Judith Marks-White had this limerick published in the 9/16/18 AWADmail:

There was once a young spinto soprano,  
Who traveled from far Capistrano.
He liked strutting the stage
In op’ratic enrage
As the cowardly El Capitano.

I wrote her, saying, "You've inspired me to write a 2nd verse.  Maybe not Kurt, but its first line is pretty Weill."

He could out-sing Ms. Lenya (that's Lotte)
And though male, when he needed to potty
He would sit, never stand,
Let it hang, used no hand,
He sang high because he was castrati.

2894. Facile and docile

An unfortunate fellow got neutered
Had no urge to go drink and get Hootered
This asexual guy
Got no thrill, gave no sigh
When bent over to be Roto-Rootered.

2893. Straight shooter

A Jew convert wasn't too hot
About 'getting snipped' being his lot
But after the bris
He found when he'd piss
That all the drops went in the pot.

2892. Nonsense (and reprehensibility?)

Some think Edward Lear is a loon
What's that adjective he used for "spoon"?
Although it's enuncible
What's meant by "runcible" 
Probably won't be known soon.
He is acknowledged as having invented the limerick but his L5s often repeat his L1s.

2891. Rain, rain, stay away

Here's hoping that Hurricane Florence
Doesn't bring what the forecasting warrants.
Millions now in retreat,
Tides may surge thirteen feet
With three days of rain coming in torrents.

2890. My answer, a dancer

At a small, topless watering hole
A skinny slut fulfilled my goal.
I said, "Hon, you're the sleaziest
Dancing ecdysiast
To whom I have offered MY pole."

2889. Sabra dance, maybe?

An old Jewish man epicurian
Once befriended the statesman, Ben Gurion.
Though it made him seem gaucher
He didn't keep kosher
And dined list'ning to Khachaturian.

2888. While Darien was only "restricted"

Hitler wanted a race fully Aryan
No one Roma, Semitic, Sumerian.
By using eugenics
And silencing cynics
He wiped out opinions contrarian.

2887. No occident

A jacking-off Asian named Fong
Dreamed of having a Negroid-like dong
Squeezed tightly while whackin'
His poor dick would blacken
But never did grow all that long.

2886. A different kind of wedgie

Told, "Pre-marital sex is a sin,"
Batman sated himself with a grin.
He would fold up his cape
In cuneiform shape
And deposit his sperm cells therein.

2884-2885. Smokey smooth

We've lost Reynolds, the actor named Burt,
Posed for Cosmo with no pants or shirt.
Sally, Loni, and Dinah
He wooed with no sign o'
His ceasing to be a big flirt.

Deliverance stamped him "legit"
While the "Bandit" flicks brought a great bit
Of money and fame
Though their plots were so lame.
Go here; you can read his obit.
Dinah was 53 when Burt began dating her.  He was 35.

2883. Low morals or molars?

Arrested for rape with much gravity,
The perp denied any depravity.
Claimed, "I am apprenticed
At being a dentist,
Was practicing filling a cavity."
Here's WC Fields as "The Dentist."  Skit dates to his vaudeville days.

2881-2882. Fear and anonymous loathing

While much of the world gives a cheer,
What's the POTUS do?  Nothing but jeer.
Trump will not say a good word
Re book from Bob Woodward
He says, "It's all lies" (book is "Fear.")

Next, out came the staid New York Times
Printed "insider's" words on Don's crimes.
Anon. piece says, "He's mental,
Lacked guidance parental."
Please, more of you, ring alarm chimes.

2880. Can this marriage be "saved"?

A newlywed groom sought permission
To try out all ways of coition.
His wife, though, demurred;
They fuck only (I've heard)
Like evangelists off on a mission.

2879. Officer, I'm unarmed

In a car wreck a guy broke his humerus
And radius, bruises were numerous.
Nor was ulna intact
From having been whacked.
Good news: x-rays showed he wasn't tumorous.

2878. Teller to be more careful

A woman who worked as a banker
Developed a labial chancre
She'd taken deposits
In vaults and broom closets,
One guy with VD had dropped anchor.

2877. Rhyme but no reason

While visiting Tegucigalpa
A pilot (and member of BALPA)
Saw many strange scenes,
Trees with leaves just like beans!
In Britain they don't have catalpa.
(They don't grow in C. America, either.)

PD366-367. The long and the short of it

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."

There was a young lady from Drew
Who ended her verse at line two.

2876. Give it a rest. (I should.)

I wish I were hung like my neighbor
His dick is the size of a caber!
He visits the houses
Of all the guys' spouses,
And fucks one each Day except Labor.

2875. Taco Bull

My brother, Steve, has nickname "Socko"
He remembers an umpire named Jocko
Whose last name was Conlan.
Steve also likes fon'lin'
Pudenda shaped much like a taco.

2874. Out, août, damned hot

The mercury climbed awful tall
And the heat index often did gall
Methinks as I bloggest
About this past August
That we're looking forward to fall.