2998-3000. My swan song chanson

Your blog host, The Limericist, is just about to post his last 3 entries.  As I’ve been planning since last summer, my 3,000th limerick gets posted on this final day of 2018!  You will find it at the end (where else?) of this long farewell post.

Regular readers realize that there are many other limericks found throughout the blog.  For example, I have included 417 from the Public Domain.  Other Posters have written and posted 533 more.  Those bring the total to 3,950!

My earliest followers were my high school friend, Wayne Scott (Wanus) who is now deceased, Robin Sutherland with his many hilarious nicknames (among them Amanda B. Recondwith & Helena Handbasket), Larry Gott whom I 'met' thru youtube, and my two brothers, Steve (OkieJokey) and Larry (Boulderite.)  

My most faithful follower and most fertile OP poster, Dave Reddekopp from Swift Current, SK, signed up for the blog in September 2012.  Hardly a day went by without a Dave check in.  When he wasn't reading, he often was writing marvelous "limmies" to augment the blog.  Thanks, David!

Suzanne Heymann of Nanaimo, BC discovered the blog in 2015.  Though I tried hard to explain to her the steps to gain posting status, she didn't follow them for six months.  Therefore, many of her earlier comments show her as "Anonymous," though sometimes with the inclusion of her initials.

What a delightful, fecund, and talented addition Suz was!  She finally figured out how to make her own "OP" posts and began doing so on 1/29/2016.  Sadly, her computer went on the fritz about 2 years later and she's not been heard from since.

Earlier, I mentioned the 950 limericks from other poets to go along with my 3,000.  Although I haven't kept count, there are many more found in comments made to "front page posts", bringing the total count to well over 4,000, but let me say this about the limericks: 

    Their quality, not their quantity, is what makes me proudest.

If you wish to access any of these "hidden 5-liners," go to the archives down the right side of the page, scroll down to the year you're seeking and click on the triangle beside it.  Then click a month name to show all the posts for that month.  By clicking on an archived entry shown in the following blue list you will see both the original limerick and all the comments which were made.  Once you have read the comment(s), click your browser's back button.

By the way, I've only listed those comments containing limericks.  If you want to go searching for puns, jokes, or just background info, there are hundreds more comments.

2011

JUL  1-2, 5

AUG 14, 28,

OCT  222, 257-263

NOV 349, 368, 370

DEC  449

2012

JAN  494-495

MAR  OP25

MAY 679

JUN  735

AUG  PD45-46

OCT  OP51

DEC  Ready for quash racquets?, OP61

2013

JAN  924, 929

FEB  OP78

MAR  981

APR  OP99, 996-1000, OP107

MAY OP111

2014

FEB  OP139

AUG 1446

OCT  1488

2015

JUL  OP181, OP184, 1766

SEP  OP213

OCT  1863, OP220, 1864, 1866, 1868, OP222, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1879-1880, 1881

NOV 1883, 1885, 1890, 91, 92, 93, OP223, OP224, 1894, 1895, OP226, OP227. 1905, 1906, 1907, 1909, 1910

DEC  PD202-206, 1932, OP231

2016

JAN  1956, 1967, 1972,

FEB  1976. OP241, 1980, 1981

MAR 2015, 2016, 2019, 2020, OP256, 2029-2030, 2031-2032,

APR  2048, 2051

MAY 2086

JUN  2103,  2118,  2119,  2134,  2137

JUL   OP293-297, OP304-308

AUG 2188, 2190, 2193, 2206, OP342

SEP   PD257-259, 2241, 2242, 2246,

OCT   2256, 2273,

NOV  2289, OP364-372, PD283,

DEC  2321, 2323, 2324, 2328, 2329, 2333, 2339

2017

JAN 2343, OP384-385, 2345

FEB 2383, 2384, OP393-399,

APR OP419-422

JUN  2545

JUL  PD302-309, OP432-434, 2580, 2581, 2587, 2591

AUG 2611,

SEP  2637, 2650

OCT OP469

NOV 2722, OP475

DEC 2741, OP496, OP501-502, 2754

2018

JAN OP521-522, OP524

FEB 2782

And now, my final(?) entries*

I've been showered with kudos effusive

Sometimes got help from poets collusive

But as years have gone by

One thing's caused me to sigh,

My readers have grown more reclusive.

So I've come to this thought-out decision

No more lines of rhyme needing elision

One a day's been an onus

Hope some were a bonus

Which led to your praise, not derision.

For eighty-nine months, made you simper

Now I'm going to go out with a whimper.

It has been a great run

And has brought me much fun

But I'm gone lest my rhymes become limper.

* Probably not, because until Trump is dethroned, I'm sure I'll have things to say.

2997. The perfect woman!

A 2 foot 6 slut would bring cheer
She could blow you sans kneeling, the dear!
And if her head were flat
On its top, 'twould mean that
You could set down your icy cold beer.

2996. A different toe jam

In my youth I employed a whip sock
(Which is something male readers will grok.)
Did my mom ever know
The dried stuff in its toe
Was emitted by my turgid cock?

2995. Too pushy (and a big tushie)

An initialization spelled MAGA*
Is the mantra of Trump's sleazy saga.
What he's mainly made great
Are his ego and weight
But regardless, his minions stay gaga.

* If you've been living under a rock, you might not decipher "Make America Great Again."

2994. Perhaps it, too, is like jelly

It's Christmas; I'll post this because
Much empathy's owed Mrs. Claus.
The dick of old Santa
Is hardly giganta
His belly, too, gives her much pause.

2993. For 5B congress couldn't budge it

The wall debate ended in stalemate
Adding yet one more thing to Trump's fail rate
For causing the shutdown
He needs to be cut down
Will Cohen, perhaps, be Don's jail mate?

2992. Black-hearted about black people

A bigot who lived in L.A.
Had these racist outpourings to say:
"I have an abhorrence
For persons from Torrance
Or Compton or Watts, by the way."

2991. Showin' his spunk

A man who lived out on the street
Was often found beating his meat.
When semen went streamin'
It left him a-beamin'
You'd think he'd have been more discreet.

2990. Fouls and foul language

Since my youth, such broad changes in "Hoops",
Players now don't say sheepishly, "Oops."
I am here to report
Ain't no non-contact sport,
Guys who drive the lane get knocked for loops.
Could have also been entitled, "No blood, no foul."

2989. Works both ways... supposedly

If the boy's not sixteen, Girl, act morally
Though you're older, don't pleasure him orally.
Caught with pulled-back prepuce
You will have no excuse
When arrested for rape statutorily.
But does this ever happen except with school marms?

2988. In Alabama it's a capital offense

There once was a man in Montgomery*
Who seduced an old heiress with flummery.
Of life savings he milked her,
She sued 'cause he'd bilked her.
The bench issued forth judgment summary.
* Drove thru there today on our way to S. Carolina.

2987. My body suffers rick and ruin

It's the seventeenth day of December
But our wood pile is all out of timber.
The fireplace is cold
'Cause this geezer's too old
To cut more, I am no longer limber.

2986. And use a french letter

When try'n to impress some young twat
Murm'ring, "Je ne sais quoi" hits the spot.
She will ask, "Are you Francophile?"
Then after you've sank awhile
Inside her say, "I don't know what."

2985. More turnover

Trump's White House will never run simply.
There's no permanence; he does things limply.
It isn't so zany
That he'd pick Mulvaney
As Chief of Staff (but only temply.)

2984. Man dates?

A Professor of Maxims named Richtem
Had two girls in class, made each a victim.
Tried to teach them his sayings
But both gave him nayings,
Since they wouldn't learn 'em, he dictum.

PD412-417. So saccharine

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

Though most of the crewmen were whites,
Uhura had full equal rights.
Her crewmates, you see,
Loved De-mo-cra-cy,
And the way that she filled out her tights.

I remember a fellow named Louie,
Who ate 17 bowls of chop suey.
When the eighteenth was brought,
He became overwrought,
And we watched as poor Louie went "Blooie!"

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

An ice hockey star named Gilpatrick
Set his sights upon scoring a "hat trick."
He went into the stands 
And clobbered three fans 
With the end of his stick... Now how's that trick?

I think God uses bathrooms," sighed Claire, 
"But it makes Dad get angry and swear. 
If Mommy is slow 
When he's wanting to go, 
He shouts, "God! Whatcha doin' in there!?"

2983. It Arnott very large

When it comes to the town of Arnett
Many folks won't go there on a bett.
It's near the panhandle
But can't hold a candle
To saunas if you want to swett.
Pop. 523

That title reminds me of what must have been my first pun.  When I was about eight, my mother told me that my father's WWII platoon had been the first American unit to cross the Arno River.  I reportedly said, "How could they if there arno river?"

2982. Hush, hush sweet harlot

You got 36 months, Michael Cohen,
There are lines you and Trump were not toein'.
Bribing Stormy and Karen
Got Democrats swearin'
That Donald had undergone blowin'.

PD395-PD411. From a fecund fuckin' website

With the year-end in sight, I feel it's time for mass quantities.
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
And her parts grew so hot
There was steam on her twat
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!

"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
 "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
 You've made too much verse on
 Each part of my person,
 Now DO something - there's a good boy!"

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Did render him nutless,
And pratically useless on dates.

She wasn't what you would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity:
You would never have guessed
That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men of the city.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

A wicked stone cutter named Cary
Drilled holes in divine statuary.
With eyes full of malice
He pulled out his phallus,
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.

There's a charming young lady named Dooley
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now--it's appallin'--
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.

There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.

The ancient orthographer, Chisholm,
Caused a lexicographical schism 
When he asked to know whether 
'Tween covers of leather
He should use "g" or "j" to spell "jism?"

There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
Which she sucked, bit by bit,
From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.

There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
In concert, jacked off with his fist.

There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."

There was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.

There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

2981. Avoiding a statue of limitations

If a sculpture in life you should garnish
Don't allow the brass name plate to tarnish.
And if statue is wood,
I think 'twould be good
If you added a clear coat of varnish.

2980. Hidin' in the hood

The snatch of each girl individual
Has a clitoris -- is it residual?
Penis envy arises
Due to their small sizes
Perhaps, just like tails, they're vestigial.

2979. Chop chop to the chop shop

There's a tough Oklahoma small town,
Which makes many visitors frown.
Park your car not in Antlers,
The local dismantlers
Will steal it and tear it all down.
Pop. 2,400

2978. Off-bran offering

When in need of Ex-lax™ in Pocasset,
There's no drugstore; it's hard to stay tacit.
You'll say ev'ry foul word
When stopped up with a turd
And relief will not come 'til you pass it.
Pop. 140

2977. On old US-66

When you drive thru the town of Elk City
It may cause your windshield to get gritty.
Though it isn't the norm,
Sometimes a dust storm
Will blow in, leaving things less than pretty.
Pop. 11,500

2976. Someone told me

To view all porn channels takes months
But you'll see many sexual stunts.
Of the girls who don't shave
(Dominatrix or slave)
The brunettes have the hairiest cunts.

2975. First McCain, then 41. Who can The Right revere now?

George Herbert has been laid to rest,
Of the Bush fam'ly, he was the best.
Well, unless you count Barb
Who wore pearls with each garb;
Each one lived life with honor and zest.

2974. Killing the Dow thru his Dao

Said Don, "Take a look at this carafe...
It's from China!  I'm adding a tariff."
It seems he does revel
In playing The Devil
While thinking that he is a seraph.

2973. Methinks we're overmatched

OU Sooners are into the playoffs!
You may watch the game taking no day offs.*
Bama likely will violate
us, yes annihilate.
Good news, though: D-back coach layoffs.
Of 130 large colleges, OU ranked 128th in passing yards allowed per game -- 291.4

* Game is Sat. 12/29 at 8pm EST.

2972. I think they meant "each capture"

A Royal Canadian Mountie
For each conquest, received a small bounty.
With his job so solicitous
He found this felicitous
And fucked every girl in his county.

2971. RIP, GHWB

He was born to a life that was cush.
Used diplomacy, rarely did push.
Although he went to Yale
Stayed laid-back without fail.
I will miss George H. W. Bush.

2970. He could singapore song, too

A Florida tough guy named Hensler
Had two Masters' from Institute Rensselaer.
When Crackers would tease
Him about his degrees
It would foment a melee penins'lar.
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is located in Albany, NY.