2835. Just her back, not harass

G. Keillor, that tall Minnesotean,
Stroked the back of a girl (un-Capotean)
He says it's refutable
But still, 'twas unsuitable ---
We thought he was changeless, not protean.

2834. Facts at a glans

Let's learn a few facts 'bout the penis,
On its underside, feeling's the keenes'.
And when gay men get stiff
They want boys in a jif,
Homo 'rectus, though, isn't their genus.
Interesting anagram (a penis) from sapien.  The Latin needs the ending 's', though.

2833. Bring back the rhythm method

AWAD reader Nadine Smith posted this in the comments to AWADmail 834:
I'll probably be sorry I suggested this, but many of the "limericks" have the meter all wrong. The form is strict for a real limerick.

I replied, "Don't be sorry, Nadine. I think readers who love anapæst gag at most of the entries (and iamb one of them.)  When Casey Stengel was managing the NY Mets during their first season of 1962 (they went 40-120) he looked down the bench for a replacement player. His alleged comment appears as my L5."

When lim'ricks don't scan, it's a shame
And Casey might feel just the same.
So many poetasters
Creating disasters,
"Can't anyone here play this game?"

2832. He looks 55

You're 74?  Who could tell?
With abs so flat, never a swell.
You make 'septuagenary'
Seem very young, Larry,
It's great that you wear it so well.

Try his youtube channel for some fantastic pianism.

2831. Inspired by a Spoonerism

Though a real man is what she would rather
Have had in her snatch, she'd just gather
Some small bars of soap,
Push 'em up her slick slope
And then work herself into a lather.
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
One has hope in her soul...

2830. Respected but not well-liked

On TV is golf's U.S. Open
Dustin Johnson will lose (I am hopin')
His talent's immense
But he seems rather dense
And he once took six months off for dopin'.

2829. Tonight's the night! (Maybe...)

Today I turned seventy-two
But I didn't do much that was new
Mowed the lawn, paid some bills,
It's now time for my pills
And then off to bed, hoping to screw.

PD351-352. Hay there!

There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."

2827. The Ugly American redux

To a G7 meet, Trump was late again.
To be called crass and bossy's our fate again.
Don't touch him, he's leprous
And so damned obstrep'rous
He's making America grate again.

2826. Better'n nothin'

There once was a gal named Camellia
Who would pull off your clothes to reveal ya
And once you were bare
(Showing all of your hair)
Although she wouldn't fuck ya, she'd feel ya.

2825. When the muse strikes, ureter mercy

For an hour I've ignored my full bladder
Any moment I may become sadder!
But I need one more rhyme;
Hope I find it in time
To reach john and make poor bladder gladder.

2824. They dent see it coming

A prostitute up from Blackheath
Likes your dick in her mouth, not her sheath.
Due to canines knife-shaped
You can count men she's scraped
Who escaped by the skin of her teeth.

OP528. The burly herb gets the worm

Once again, OkieJokey's home computer (running Vista -- YUCCCH!) refuses to connect to his home WiFi so he's asked The Limericist to post for him.  

The email he sent me had this subject line:

"I go through Plenty o' hell mintin' these limericks, then I need to phylum away."  Later on he wrote, "A parasitologist would get the pun."

(The Limericist: I should have flat refused to include that Subj: line.)

My voracious pet tapeworm named Tanya

Let me gorge, yet stay svelte.  Joy, élan!  Ja!

     Alas, marked by my Rolex

     When she’d flex her scolex,

It hurt! … I sucked cloves:  “Do svidaniya.”

Consuming cloves, garlic or curry is a home remedy for a tapeworm infestation.

2823. Leading linguist

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

2822. Gay bar Gal-iath

A big brawny bull dyke from Brussels
Lifts weights to maintain monster muscles.
She works as a bouncer,
Guys, don't try to pounce 'er,
She only likes girls in a tussle.

2821. Lacking in lactation

A drug rep pronounced from the rostrum
To the post-partum mothers this nostrum:
"If your milk is too scant
From your breasts, do not rant,
Just feed your kid ersatz colostrum."

2820. So take 'the pill'

A carefree young man from Madrid
Fucked girls without wearing a "lid"
Since it was beyond 'em
That he wore no condom
They sometimes wound up with a kid.