2740. Discard iff you don't like

Henry Winkler got rich playing Fonzi
Then went broke from a scheme known as "Ponzi"
As the wind left his sails
You could hear his loud wales*
All the way from L.A. clear to Swansea.
* for the pun

ALERT!!

You are reading what may be one of my final posts at this blog. 

I've proposed retiring from the daily grind before, but with a longtime goal in sight, I'm seriously considering laying down my pen... or at least taking a long hiatus.

The goal was to write 2,751 5-liners, thus surpassing by one the number which appear in "The New Limerick," ©1977.  Edited by Gershon Legman (with but a few of his own limericks,) it contains over 1,000 more entries than does his "The Limerick," ©1964 with its 1,739 poems.

Assuming I quit or go on sabbatical, I may pursue the idea of publishing one clean and one dirty book of around 500 limericks each.  Since my experience with last year's "Limericks in the Time of Trump" hasn't been very positive, I'm not sure why I am eager to lose more money. 

That book cost around $2,000 to publish and in eleven months has sold only 218 copies thru Amazon.  We four authors have privately sold some, but with only word-of-mouth advertising, the book “laid an egg” monetarily.  Even if we’d had the money, where would we have advertised?

If I've learned one thing in my 6+ years of blogging, it is this: Never over-estimate the knowledge and sophistication of your readers!  I have told hundreds of personal and email acquaintances about this site.  When I've later asked their impressions, more than half have replied, “I had to Google for all the fancy words and obscure references you use.”  Evidently, most readers don’t want any education with their entertainment.

Another thing I’ve learned is that the number of readers who recognize and appreciate scansion, real rhymes, and cleverness is far smaller than I had thought.  Since I refuse to “dumb down” my work, publishing it for any reason other than self-satisfaction is probably a fool’s errand.  Stay tuned…

2739. Rare relations

A guy with no sex life named Morey
Sure wishes his wife were more whorey
Not by selling her bod,
Just by taking his rod
Ev'ry once in a while (that's his story.)

PD330-334. Borderline bawdy

This first one doesn't fit my title, but does describe the best limmies.
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effects.

There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
An onlooking porter
Saw more than he orter
And asked her to do it again.

There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion --
This constitutes grounds for divorce."

A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
Said her beau, "Have no fear,
For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.

There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
A bobby said, "Whattum
Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.

2738. Vicarious Victor

I'm friends with a guy, Vic Clendenin,
Who watches porn happily grinnin'.
While chokin' his chicken
He's thinkin' of stickin'
It deep in a pussy and sinnin'.

2737. Unreal housewives, et al.

I'm curious about the legality
Of TV shows labeled "Reality."
Actors really enraged?
The fighting seems staged;
With cam'ras off, bet there's neutrality.

2736. Afterward, he feels sheepish

There once was a rascal named Reese
Whose wife wouldn't give him a piece
So he found him a ewe,
Did what guys shouldn't do
And then wiped off his dick on its fleece.

OP475. Be perky and eat turkey!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, you Yanks!
In the top five occasions it ranks.
Whether guest or a host,
Go ahead, make the most
Of this day, with a toast to your thanks!

2735. How to tell it's time

When Aunt Betty starts acting quirky
And Uncle Joe's logic grows murky
Drop political talk
And take a short walk
To the kitchen and carve up the turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

2734. G, that feels good!

The girl couldn't help but get hot
From the way the man diddled her twat
His dick had a nub
On its top which would rub
That most-hard-to-find Gräfenburg spot.

2733. Delta hand that got better

A rushee was at a frat smoker
When a member said, "Let's play some poker!"
The young man wasn't pledged
When 'twas found that he'd hedged
All his bets with an up-the-sleeve joker.

PD326-329. Take distaff and shove it

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry (when you came,)
"Oh dear!  What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."

A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
So time it aright,
Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"

There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

2732. A Benz-ene ring

Tom's fam'ly is known as The Bradys
They drive only cars from Mercedes
When the tires they deflate
Their gas mileage ain't great
And they cuss up a blue streak from Hades.

2731. Orphaning Bambi

It's deer season, does are in rut
Hunters hie to a cabin, bring smut,
Smoke cigars, get real drunk,
Masturbate in a bunk,
Crack of dawn, shoot a buck which they gut.

2730. Go fig-ure

In The Garden lived Adam and Eve
'Til the serpent did Evie deceive.
They weren't too sartorial
In clothing arboreal
When God told them, "You have to leaf."

2729. His mind goes roman

An historian dreamed of wild frolics
With mythic men's wieners and bollocks.
These vicarious sins
Were sometimes done with twins, 
The heavenly Castor and Pollux.

2728. What do you zinc lead him to it?

For vocation, fat Johnny picked smeltering,
The heat from the furnace was sweltering.
Though he sometimes got burned
He lost weight so he learned
That his chosen profession was sveltering.
Now you have the skinny on that job.

OP473-474. Yup, we're all pigs

The males of our species, you see
Are obsessed about sex, even me
So it must be asserted
All men are perverted
The question is only degree

I don't care if you're gay or you're straight
For the matter's not up for debate
So it needs to be said
We all think with THAT head
I assure you, all men can relate.

Being a man, I'm somewhat in the know on this.  I don't know if it's true for women.  Suzanne, what do you think?

2726-2727. The list grows longer

We've heard Tiger's and Weiner's recants
Weinstein/Spacey have each had their chance
And then Louis CK
Said, "I'm sorry... OK?"
NO!  Their dicks should've stayed in their pants!

Bill O'Reilly's not welcome at Vassar
Nor is gymnastics doc, Larry Nassar.
But if George Herbert Walker
Was being a stalker
At 79?  That's a gasser.

OP472. He should have stayed monogamous

The lascivious, lewd, lazy lord
Had a harem, a hell of a horde.
Lots of sex (his sole goal)
Stopped his heart, took its toll
As too many a hole was explored.

2725. Papal bull

1.2 billion Cath'lic believers
Among them you'll find some silk weavers.
They make robes of tapestry
For those in the papistry
Who often have been gay deceivers.

2724. Massa chews it

A slave lord loved sex, wouldn't duck it,
And his dick was so long he could suck it!
Yes, he used mastication
To do masturbation
(I hear that he hailed from Nantucket.)

2723. Are you saying zzzzz yet?

This makes all 54 African countries... YEAAAA!
Libya didn't get its own entry but it was used as a rhyme (for Namibia) way back in #1024 (and reprinted in #2712.)

If you live in the isles Zanzibar
You can get by quite well sans a car
But should you want to see a
Friend in Tanzania
Do not try to swim, land's s' far.

2722. Comin' and goin'

Though I did this country in #2683, I couldn't resist one more.

With une putain in hot Mozambique
I stuck my dick inside her cheek.
Had to pee, had to come,
So right there on her gum
I first shot, then I took a big leak.

2721. Jazz in Brazzaville

"Republic of the" precedes "Congo"
It's a place you can hear a real bongo
Being played (if you'll pay)
By a guy who looks gay
But he's straight, like that muscled up Mongo.

2720. It's aparrot things are tough

A cook working in South Sudan
Decided to use a new pan
Since it was slim pickin's
For roosters or chickens
He served up a nice braised toucan.

OP471. It's Mueller Time!

I got this one today from San Fran friend, Robin Sutherland.
This thing about whom to indict

Is lasting all day and all nict!

All of the people

Unable to sleep'll

Be shitting their knickers with frict.

2719. Belongs in the anals of assinine limericks

Mr. Dugger took corn to Zimbabwe
And taught natives to wipe the Jim Bob way.
He is so full of shit
He was asked by one wit,
"After using, how much does your cob weigh?"

2718. Cutting-edge group

Those Musical Muppets (the Fozzie band)
Lined up a big gig down in Swaziland.
A sharp snare on a drum
Caught poor Animal's thumb
And he had to beat time with a gauzy hand.

2717. Bored sex

A surfer bum tried Madagascar,
Found a beach and espied a bare basker
Thought it might be untoward
To say, "Screw on my board?"
And since surf was up, he didn't ask 'er.

2716. Yet it's so low-lying*

Yo, dude, if you're ever in Seychelles
Smoke some of the ganja that Ray sells.
It'll make you so high
That you'll think you are fly-
ing with Santa and list'ning to sleigh bells.
* And it's getting lower (click to see.)

2715. Windsor visa expire?

There once was a lesbian elf
Who moved off to Capetown from Guelph
She became a slave traffica
Down there in South Africa
But kept pygmy whores for herself.

Right "answer" --- sort of

The Final Jeopardy answer 11/7 was, "It's the world's southernmost landlocked country."

Since I've been busily studying African countries and where they lie, I guessed, "What is Lesotho?" and was correct!

However, when Alex pronounced it, it came out "Luh-SOO-too."  Since Mr. Trebek is almost never wrong, I googled here just to make sure that a "soft th" is incorrect (it is.)

My discovery has spawned this:
If you must pronounce tiny Lesotho
I hope my gaffe won't befall you, too.
You can say, "Phil's no bard,
That land's 't' ain't said hard."
I apologize to you and Tutu.

I will leave #2710 stet and, as a penance, I haven't assigned a number to this re-write.  However, I do take some consolation in the fact(?) that Americans say the o's long.  BTW, Desmond Tutu was Archbishop of Lesotho from 1976-78.

2714. Bordering on absurd

I'm telling you this with great candor:
One country's a real gerrymander
Its name is "The Gambia"
Which rhymes well with Zambia
I wonder to whom leaders pander?

Click map for more detail --- then hit 'Esc' key.

2713. Try to stay cool -- both ways

Be careful when you're in Liberia
Don't stress out, you might get porphyria
Then, covered in blisters,
How will you fuck "sisters"?
They may fear you have clap bacteria.

2712. It's not North Tonawanda

This limerick features Rwanda
Located next-door to Uganda
It has Hutus and Tutsis
And Twa, they're real cutesies!
Yes,  pygmys are something to ponda.


Here are some countries I rhymed up previously:

42. Easy, Rider!
A horny young man from Uganda
Tried to fuck his girlfriend in a Honda.
The floor shift caught her twat
And believe it or not,
It made her much more peter-fonda!

497. Marracash
There's a dry desert wind called "sirocco"
That constantly blows in Morocco.
If it catches your cash
Bills are gone in a flash
And you'll probably wind up in hock, oh!

1024. Kenya believe this?
A runner who hailed from Namibia
Decided to build up his tibia.
"I'll jog" he had planned
"'Til I've run out of land."
Headed north -- clear to Tripoli, Libya!
Going west would've been a whole lot shorter.

1726. She says, "Ashanti return."
An erstwhile explorer named Donna
Got raped by an ape down in Ghana
Then it stuffed in her ass
Strands of long jungle grass
(She no longer likes flora and fauna.)

2711. That sinking feeling

I once banged a girl in Mauritius
Whose booty looked so damned delicious
That I took not the time
To give foreplay sublime
And just fucked her as she did the dishes.

2710. Selling parkas was a bad idea

I know of two guys in Lesotho
One's "Henry," the other one's "Otho"
They co-own a store
That's lost lotis galore  
Which has led to the fact that they both owe.

2709. São Tome and Principe

The Brits say, "Sow TOE-mee and PRIN-sa-pay"
That nation's two islands aren't in a bay.
Native girls (young men, too)
There are happy to screw
If you'll promise to pay them well when ya lay.
Americans usually pronounce it, "SOW toe-MAY and Prin-SIP-ee."

2708. Lesson in Lisbon's linguistics

If you vacation down in Cape Verde
Take care how you say that last word.
Language there's Portuguese
Saying "VAIR-dee" won't please,
Wops and Spaniards think that is absurd.

2707. The Price is Light

There's a prostitute living in Guinea
Who will fuck for a buck and a penny!
Pay her 20 cents more
And she'll blow you, this whore
Is so cheap she's done thousands (yes, many!)

2706. Addis to your collection

An unpleasant place, Ethiopia, 
Most people there live with dystopia
This very poor nation
Has rampant starvation
No food, therefore no cornucopia.

2705. He did it directly

A conductor of choirs in Gabon
Picked a tenor to throw himself on
When he thrust in his dick
The lad scarce felt that prick
Sized and shaped like the maestro's baton.

2704. Let me geog your memory

On the south of the Med. is Algeria,
Many countries in size are inferia
If you look at its coast
You will find that it's most-
ly due south of the landmass Iberia.

2703. Phoney oral sex

A gal from Sierra Leone
Liked having sex only by phone
Thus, she didn't get germs
But still knew all the terms,
"Fuck me hard!" she would moan and intone.

2702. Heart of Darkness

In mid-continent, there's CAR,
With indigenous folks black as tar.
The Falls of Boali 
Are on the Mbali 
They're wide but don't drop very far.
With thanks to Joseph Conrad for the title.

2701. Built for the job

A sultry black whore from Niger
Has a truly magnificent pair
And the size of the ass
On that profligate lass
Does attract many johns to her lair.

2700. Reversal of fortunes (and Latin words)

In order to complete (perhaps) all 54 African nations without boring my readers to tears, I'm going to post 2-3 per day until finished.

The country of Western Sahara
Is what you might call Avis Rara
Should Morocco gain claim
It might lose 2-word name
While remaining the same Firma Terra.
With an L5 nod to Ms. Heymann's prowess & signature move.

2699. Perhaps the heat?

An émigré living in Senegal
Came from France, and he had a chance in a hall
To join in an orgy
But couldn't engorge, he
Had never been impotent when a Gaul.

2697-2698. What's the age limit, anyway?

It's November 1st, "Day of All Saints"
From me you will hear no complaints.
For this evening, no more
Bratty kids at my door
Dressed like goblins and ghosts from their haints.*

Last night I became reprimandy
When adults came with bags wanting candy.
I said, "You're sure bold
And besides, you're too old
To believe Trick or Treating is dandy."
* Southern US dialect for "haunts."