771. Search for vachina

There once was a drug-dealing Mandarin
Who upset his wife by philanderin'.
He employed a pimp
Whom he paid off with hemp
To offset the pimp's price for panderin.'
The hemp plant is also known as cannabis sativa -- marijuana.

764-770. 1st Anniversary

I now have completed one year
Of running this blog, and I fear
That my brain isn't fecund
Enough for a second
Still, hope I have brought you much cheer.

I've inscribed at least one every day,
But I'm 'bout out of things I can say
That are fresh, not absurd,
And don't bring up some word
That has heretofore come into play.

Though not calling it quits, I am tired,
Father Time's made me much less inspired.
'Stead of posting some poor
Ones the limerick du jour
Will now only appear when I'm wired.

I'm certain I'll post at least a few each week so keep checking in!  And now, as a present to you, my readers, here are two from each camp:

A woman with marvelous tits
Has nipples the size of peach pits!
Her boyfriend oft laps
At these humongous paps
While fondling her with his large mitts.

There once was a fellow named Pete
Who went to bed beating his meat.
He hadn't a tissue
To wipe up his issue,
Next morning was stuck to the sheet.

A young college student named Darrel,
Heads off to a library carrel.
His intent is to study
'Stead, texts with a buddy,
At test time he's over a barrel.

A pretty interpreter, Sophie,
Was also the mistress of Kofi
Annan* at the U.N.
Which made her a shoo-in
Each year for the Best Linguist trophy.
* He himself said it rhymes with 'cannon' but most people pronounced it 'uhNON' and I'm using that pronunciation to get proper rhythm in line 3.

763. HMS Bounty

A wicked ship's captain named Bligh
Was known for his critical eye.
He gave so much scrutiny
The crew staged a mutiny
And set him adrift for to die.
But if you know the story, Bligh and a few men didn't die in one of the greatest sailing feats ever.  The small boat the mutineers gave him was fitting because they thought he was a little dinghy...

762. Non-sensical

When his tractor got stuck in the muck
A farmer had run out of luck.
Since this lim'rick's in red
Guess it's time that I said
A bad word.  What the heck, how 'bout 'fuck'?

761. Can you stomach this one?

A sickly old fellow named Horace
Has trouble above his pylorus.
The doctors who've seen 'im
Say his duodenum
Ain't working because it's too porous.

OP31. Quality jollity

A viewer from Saskatchewan emailed me a few of his creations and this is one of them.  His own website can be found by clicking this.  Several good ones there!

A nerd sitting out in the sun
Was observing an orgy for fun
He found that the ratio
Of sex to fellatio
Was right around seven to one.

760. Lez is more

A lesbian known as Celeste,
With matters of death is obsessed.
She worships Anubis
While stroking her pubis
And licking her partner's right breast.

759. Sultry songstress

Love the starkness of only voice, bass, and guitar.  Click on the song title.
The clip is from "The Girl Can't Help It."
There aren't many things make me shiver,
And fewer things, still, make me quiver.
But one (more than fun)
Is to hear Julie Lon-
don's rendition of "Cry Me a River." 

(By the way, the Salhir is a Crimea river... ukraine look it up, I did.)

758. Pages stuck together

Adolescent boys find it a treat,
To regularly beat their meat.
Head for loo, lock the door,
Put Penthouse on the floor
And ejaculate while on the seat.

757. Trying to walk the Czech

A thirsty young rascal named Wilson,
Ran up a large tab drinking Pilsen.
When he got up to leave
The barkeep grabbed his sleeve:
"You're not leaving 'til you've paid your bill, son."

PD40-42. The canon roars

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em;
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

The Bishop was nobody's fool --
He'd been to a large public school;
He took down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With a twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew;
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."

756. Teutonic Teddy

Antiques Roadshow last night had a show bear
That looked as if it had had no care.
It was large and a Steiff
With ten decades of life,
Worth 20 Grand missing much mohair!

755. Bad fit

An Amazon tried 69
With a dwarf -- gave her feelings divine!
That is, down below
But her efforts to blow
Him put quite a big curve in her spine.

754. Worth what he pays

A retired old usher, Don Lee,
Now gets in the movies sans fee.
Today's flicks are so bad,
He sits there quite sad,
Just trying to fight off ennui.

753. Right up front

I'm dating a woman named Lunt,
Who has a magnificent cunt.
Her labia minor
Could hardly be finer,
Her clit's huge, I don't have to hunt.

752. Crime time rime

A man who could not pay his bills
Thought a bank heist would cure all his ills.
Alas, it did not
For he quickly got caught.
At "The Big House" a cell he now fills.

751. Business closing

I know of a filthy old whore
Who never gets johns any more.
For she is so ugly
Men will not get snuggly,
She might as well padlock her door.

750. A bit dicey

An unfortunate worker named Sam,
At the food plant got caught in a cam.
Was sliced by a sickle,
He's now in a pickle
Or maybe he's in a bad jam.
    Did that jar your sensibilities?

749. Flies in the ointment

There once was a filthy old faggot,
Whose dick made his boyfriend gag it.
Not because 'twas so long --
It seems that his dong
Was the dwelling of more than one maggot.

748. Catholicism solecism

A weary male trav'ler named Cabot
At a nunnery asked of the Abbot,
"May I sleep in the convent?
I've only one wan cent."
"OK.  Just don't get in a habit!"

747. Catholic tastes

While sucking the dick of a priest,
An altar boy suddenly ceased.
Said "I must stop these incidents,
I doubt it's coincidence
I taste on you Sister Anne's yeast."

746. Now you see him...

A magician, quite strange, a Bengali,
Considered himself a Svengali.
But he was so weird,
He once disappeared
And never returned, oh what folly!

745. No funnel be had

I know a young woman named Joan,
Whose pussy is shaped like a cone.
At its mouth it's six inches
But quickly it pinches
Down tightly and makes a guy groan.

PD38-39. Place names

A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
At the end of each chukker
He'd sneak off and fuck her
Horizontally, lat'rally, verkeley.

A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
Decided one day
That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.

744. Sweltering

At 8:50 the temp's eighty-four!
No doubt there's a scorcher in store,
Nearly hot as Dubai.
Why's the 4th of July
Often have to reach one hundred four?

743. Coming out

In today's news, old Anderson Cooper
Announced he likes dick up his pooper.
Actually, didn't say
That, just said he was gay
But, regardless, fags think he's a trouper!

742. The plane truth

There is a girl pilot named King,
Who prays she will go on a fling
With some handsome young buck
But she's had zero luck.
Such is life on a prayer and a wing.

741. Dual tool

A cute Brooklyn lassie named Jen,
Has discovered she has quite a yen
For phallus-shaped dildos
With which she can kill those
Small crab lice which crawl 'round her den.

740. Author, author!

I know of an author named Byrne
Whose life has had many a tyrne.
When she wrote her memoir
She became quite a star,
And she hopes to outsell Jules Vyrne!