2969. Double your pleasure

A Bi- guy was good for a laugh a night
When his spouse put his ass or his staff aright.
His quite strange bedfellow
Could make him feel mellow.
The reason?  "It" was an hermaphrodite!

2968. Bah, humbug!

Black Friday has come and has gone,
Cyber Monday seemed like a big con.
Hate this time of the year,
Makes me grump with no cheer
To afford gifts, my watch I must pawn.

2967. Pondering a pachyderm

To the zoo with the fam'ly I veered,
At a bull elephant, daughter peered.
She asked in voice sweet,
"Why do they have four feet?"
Me: "6 inches would make them look weird."

2966. I bet they say it "CEEment."

If you live in the town of Cement
Don't get angry, there's nowhere to vent.
But if you want a thrill,
Drive 5 miles to Cyril
And try telling some guy to get bent.
Pop. 494

2964-65. Rescind each one's diploma!

A male nurse in East Oklahoma
Had a patient engulfed in a coma
And as she was dozing
He gave her a hosing
Inside of her 'tween-the-legs stoma.

The doc came by later to check her,
To look at her charts and inspec' her.
When he saw that her twat
Was beginning to rot
He cleaned it, then slipped in his pecker.

2963. Make some concrete plans

Fill your tank up with gas, check the oil,
Then head out to the quaint town of Foyil.
To be sure, for a lark
Visit Totem Pole Park
The result of Ed Galloway's toil.
Pop. 344

2962. And no headaches!

My blow-up sex doll is delectable!
'She' insures that I won't be infectable.
Has a dial near the front
Of her Rubbermaid^® cunt
Which lets me make tightness selectable!

2961. The soused (not sous) chef

It's Turkey Day, everyone's cross.
My wife's upset, I'm at a loss
As to why.  Could it be
That despite cranberry,
I'm having a different sauce?

After reading mine, friend Robin Sutherland wrote back with this gem:

OP536. Easily topping mine

'Tis a curious dish, the turducken --

With its gobblin' & quackin' & cluckin'.

But we'll eat it, God knows,

'Til we're stuffed to our toes

And we'll be far too full for some fucken'!

2960. You'll be russian to leave

There's a haunted house over in Kremlin
North of Enid, it's home to a gremlin.
That goddamned poltergeis'
Could, perhaps, scare the scheisse
Out of you or at least set you trem'lin'.
Pop. 266.  Click the blue link and type scheisse into the left-hand box.

2959. Goes over easy

I recently browsed my entries on Okie towns from early 2015.  I'll add a few more over the next month.
A dim-witted girl out in Clinton
Is susceptible to vulgar hintin'
If you say, "Hens are laying"
It goes without saying
She'll let you do pussy indentin'.
Pop. 9,505 it is 86 miles west of OKC on I-40.

2958. Dumping Trump by the numbers

It's time that we eighty-sixed Don,
He has two-timed us right down the john.
Let's get rid of Four Five
With amendment Two Five
And then dress "to the nines" when he's gone!
In short, the 25th amendment "provides the procedures for replacing the president or vice president in the event of death, removal, resignation, or incapacitation."

After reading #2958, Judith Marks-White emailed me this one.  I've provided the title:

OP535. Undeserved praise

As for Two Thousand, Nine Fifty-Eight

It is you whom we need celebrate.

You went out on a lim 

And produced, on a whim,

A ditty that’s nothing but great.

Judith is a friend whose limericks regularly appear in AWADmails, 

2957. Doormat dynasty

It's time to watch OU play Kansas
In football, should bring big bonanzas
To my Sooners in red.
KU just may play dead.
They're so awful, why'd I waste these stanzas?
In the 9 years from 2009-2017, Kansas' record was 20-88.  So far in 2018, they're 3-7

2956. Was their wedding staged?

Said Lynn Fontanne's spouse, Alfred Lunt,
"Your appearance is très succulent.
Now I know there is no job
You hate like a blow job
But may I at least fuck your cunt?"

2955. I've scene enough

I just now arose from "the hay"
Looking out, it's a glorious day!
I am prob'ly a nut
To sit here on my butt
When the leaves are in such bright array.
I considered the title, "Curses!  Foliage again!"

PD384-394. Classics (some classless)

A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
        Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
        And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."

A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
        A policeman cried, "Whatam--
        Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as he could.

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
        In twenty-eight days
        They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        She let herself go
        For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
        He remarked with a smile,
        "Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."

On the night of her wedding Ms. Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
        If you want it queer ways,
        Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.

At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
        Thanks to vulcanized aids,
        Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
        And loud was his mirth
        For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
        The taste was so fine
        Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).

There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
        She would use with delight
        All day long and all night -
Ninety bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.

There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
        Every time he got hot
        He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.

2954. Edgy humor in the heartland

Just arrived home from David Sedaris
Nearly all of his show was hilaris.
No one minded one bit
That he said "fuck" and "shit"
I remember when those would embaris.

2953. The people have spoken

Lindsey Crane, co-author of Limericks in the Time of Trump, asked her three co-authors for 5-liners commemorating a recent political victory in her hometown, Lafayette, California.  Developers (with the mayor's approval) had wanted to take out hundreds of trees and drastically increase traffic congestion.  The local utility company, Pacific Gas & Electric, also supported the plans.

Lindsey's group, "Save Lafayette," protested vigorously on street corners and waved placards in support of its city council candidates, including Ivor Samson and Susan Candell.  The campaigning worked, as three people from the group are now on the 5-person council and the mayor lost!

OP534. Steve Benko supplied this excellent one:
A developer's marionette
On the council was making us sweat.
We made signs and cars honked,
Then we went home and bonked,
For we'd saved our dear town, Lafayette.

I sent this:
Mayor Tatzin, that nasty conniver,
Was as tricky as Angus McGyver.
We'll save each Deer Hill tree
From mean PG&E,
Thank goodness for Susan and Ivor!

Our 4th author, Zelda Dvoretzky, has yet to weigh in.

2952. Very tough word to rhyme

It's been one hundred years since the armistice
Mustard gas meant "too late for a pharmastice."
Germans laid weapons down
But peace terms made them frown
Could it be next world war's cause of harm was us?

2951. Balls to the wall

Diana and Carol are 'besties'
Who play jai 'lai with custom-made cestes.
Before leaving the gym
They oft get a whim
To suck on a coupla guys' testes.
The plural of 'cesta' is 'cestas' but I needed a rhyme.  Do you think I'm a basket case?

2950. Who? Me?

If you want to be way more sagacious
Read books with a habit voracious.
But as you learn more
Try not being a bore,
(Which you will be if you are loquacious.)

2949. Giving a rat his ass

A queer whose depression was chronic
Stuck a rat up his ass as a tonic.
And there, midst the shit,
That vile rodent, it bit;
Each died of the plague called 'bubonic.'

2948. Lookin' rosy for Pelosi

The mid-term elections have passed
Record numbers of votes have been cast.
Democrats will all smile
From their side of the aisle
Next year when the House is amassed.

2947. Still playing at 86

A fine tennis player from Dallas
As a youngster, got teased without malice.
His nickname to boot
Was "He who can't shoot."
I'm speaking, of course, of John Powless.
He was born in Illinois; I recall seeing his name in "World Tennis."

2946. Best by a cuntry mile

There's nothing that quite hits the spot
Like a hot, throbbing, juice-slickened twat.
What else can compare
To that hair-covered lair?
I'm tellin' ya, I don't know what!

2945. Methane around

A wealthy wildcatter named Welch
Had a gas problem he couldn't squelch
He wanted to marry 
His hot secretary
But try'n to propose, he would belch.

2944. Harvard B.A. and M.D.

I'm reading a novel by Crichton
There's no question that he was a brichton.
Titled "A Case of Need"
Plot is awesome indeed
But his doctor-speak I wish he'd lichton.
Written while he was still in med school, it's a page-turner.  Michael Crichton was probably most famous for "The Andromeda Strain."  In reading about him, I learned he was 6'9".

2943. Slickening agent

Here are words of advice (and I wrote 'em)
"Men, your cocks work the best if you coat 'em
With petroleum jelly,
(The kind that ain't smelly)
You'll go in as deep as your scrotum."

2942. Statutorily stuck in stir

There once was a fellow named Simon
Who suffered from very bad timin'
He fucked with a maid
Not quite sixteen and paid
Twenty years due to breaking her hymen.