Tuesday, September 25, 2018

2903. But please, not me!

Lim'ricks just aren't as funny when smutless,
Make me think that the author was gutless.
When the words are all clean
Art form he does demean
Deserves losing his nuts to a cutlass.

I borrowed from this pubic domain one:

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Danced a hornpipe for all of his mates,
But he slipped on his cutlass,
And made himself `nut-less`,
And now he's just worthless on dates.

Monday, September 24, 2018

2902. Akhanaten sure that this is true

The Egyptian sun god was named Ra
And a great many held him in awe.
But not Nefertiti,
And what a great pity
That her name implied, "needs no bra."

Sunday, September 23, 2018

2901. Luxoriate in this

Long before the enslavement of Hebes
Some ancient tomb raiders in Thebes
Heard words from a mummy
Just tryin' to be chummy
Which gave them some bad heebie-jeebes.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

2900. Short-changed

In inches, men's dicks average six
Yet cunts can take seven from pricks
If you work out the math
What's unused in "the path"
Becomes miles; how completely redix!
If you figure 3 billion men having sex an average of 20 times annually, we're being fucked out of close to a million miles of pussy per year!  Here's the math:

1" • 3 billion men • 20 times/year = 60 billion inches.
Divide that by 12 and you get 5 billion feet.
Divide that by 5,280 and you get 946,970 miles.

Over 7.4 billion people on earth but I'm figuring a lot of men are too young or too old to be sexually active and of those who are (and are also hetero), 20 times per year may actually be generous!!

Friday, September 21, 2018

2899. I thought they liked foreplay

The female sex sure can befuddle
With motives clear as a mud puddle.
Men like sucking their tits
And caressing their clits
While gals say, "How about we just cuddle?"

Thursday, September 20, 2018

2898. Pat-her-asty

While dummy (at friends for some bridge)
I went in to check out their fridge
Ran into their daughter,
Could not have been hotter
So I squeezed her ass just a smidge.
(Pederasty involves only males.)

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

2897. A true Harlequin Romance

A gay man who hailed from Karachi
Had a trousseau of suits by Versace
He sought matrimonio
With guy playing Tonio
In Leoncavallo's Pagliacci.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

2896. Another definition of 'vacuous'

There once was a woman named Rose,
Eating dicks was the job that she chose.
It was no task at all
Sucking new tennis ball
Through a 50-foot long garden hose.

Monday, September 17, 2018

2895. The rest of the story

Author and great friend Judith Marks-White had this limerick published in the 9/16/18 AWADmail:

There was once a young spinto soprano,  
Who traveled from far Capistrano.
He liked strutting the stage
In op’ratic enrage
As the cowardly El Capitano.

I wrote her, saying, "You've inspired me to write a 2nd verse.  Maybe not Kurt, but its first line is pretty Weill."

He could out-sing Ms. Lenya (that's Lotte)
And though male, when he needed to potty
He would sit, never stand,
Let it hang, used no hand,
He sang high because he was castrati.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

2894. Facile and docile

An unfortunate fellow got neutered
Had no urge to go drink and get Hootered
This asexual guy
Got no thrill, gave no sigh
When bent over to be Roto-Rootered.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

2893. Straight shooter

A Jew convert wasn't too hot
About 'getting snipped' being his lot
But after the bris
He found when he'd piss
That all the drops went in the pot.

Friday, September 14, 2018

2892. Nonsense (and reprehensibility?)

Some think Edward Lear is a loon
What's that adjective he used for "spoon"?
Although it's enuncible
What's meant by "runcible
Probably won't be known soon.
He is acknowledged as having invented the limerick but his L5s often repeat his L1s.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

2891. Rain, rain, stay away

Here's hoping that Hurricane Florence
Doesn't bring what the forecasting warrants.
Millions now in retreat,
Tides may surge thirteen feet
With three days of rain coming in torrents.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

2890. My answer, a dancer

At a small, topless watering hole
A skinny slut fulfilled my goal.
I said, "Hon, you're the sleaziest
Dancing ecdysiast
I've ever offered MY pole."

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

2889. Sabra dance, maybe?

An old Jewish man epicurian
Once befriended the statesman, Ben Gurion.
Though it made him seem gaucher
He didn't keep kosher
And dined list'ning to Khachaturian.