Saturday, June 16, 2018

2830. Respected but not well-liked

On TV is golf's U.S. Open
Dustin Johnson will lose (I am hopin')
His talent's immense
But he seems rather dense
And he once took six months off for dopin'.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

2829. Tonight's the night! (Maybe...)

Today I turned seventy-two
But I didn't do much that was new
Mowed the lawn, paid some bills,
It's now time for my pills
And then off to bed, hoping to screw.

PD351-352. Hay there!

There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."

Monday, June 11, 2018

2827. The Ugly American redux

To a G7 meet, Trump was late again.
To be called crass and bossy's our fate again.
Don't touch him, he's leprous
And so damned obstrep'rous
He's making America grate again.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

2826. Better'n nothin'

There once was a gal named Camellia
Who would pull off your clothes to reveal ya
And once you were bare
(Showing all of your hair)
Although she wouldn't fuck ya, she'd feel ya.

Friday, June 8, 2018

2825. When the muse strikes, ureter mercy

For an hour I've ignored my full bladder
Any moment I may become sadder!
But I need one more rhyme;
Hope I find it in time
To reach john and make poor bladder gladder.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

2824. They dent see it coming

A prostitute up from Blackheath
Likes your dick in her mouth, not her sheath.
Due to canines knife-shaped
You can count men she's scraped
Who escaped by the skin of her teeth.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

OP528. The burly herb gets the worm

Once again, OkieJokey's home computer (running Vista -- YUCCCH!) refuses to connect to his home WiFi so he's asked The Limericist to post for him.  

The email he sent me had this subject line:
"I go through Plenty o' hell mintin' these limericks, then I need to phylum away."  Later on he wrote, "A parasitologist would get the pun."

(The Limericist: I should have flat refused to include that Subj: line.)

My voracious pet tapeworm named Tanya
Let me gorge, yet stay svelte.  Joy, élanJa!
     Alas, marked by my Rolex
     When she’d flex her scolex,
It hurt! … I sucked cloves:  “Do svidaniya.”

Consuming cloves, garlic or curry is a home remedy for a tapeworm infestation.

Monday, June 4, 2018

2823. Leading linguist

One Las Vegas whore has a pucker
Which makes her "The World's Best Cocksucker!"
With that reputation
If you want fellation
Then you'll have to 500 buck her.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

2822. Gay bar Gal-iath

A big brawny bull dyke from Brussels
Lifts weights to maintain monster muscles.
She works as a bouncer,
Guys, don't try to pounce 'er,
She only likes girls in a tussle.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

2821. Lacking in lactation

A drug rep pronounced from the rostrum
To the post-partum mothers this nostrum:
"If your milk is too scant
From your breasts, do not rant,
Just feed your kid ersatz colostrum."

Friday, June 1, 2018

2820. So take 'the pill'

A carefree young man from Madrid
Fucked girls without wearing a "lid"
Since it was beyond 'em
That he wore no condom
They sometimes wound up with a kid.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

2818-2819. Cheapskate dad

Ron Howard recently put together a tremendous DVD entitled, 8 Days A Week - The Touring Years.  My daughter and her husband are huge Beatles fans so I sent them a copy, scheduled to arrive between their Springtime birthdays.  I included this:

Didn't send any cards, they're too maudlin,
So accept these ten lines as my coddlin'.
The Fab Four DVD
That's enclosed should bring glee
(After you've put the kids down from toddlin'.)

It's not much of a gift for just one,
Yet it's meant to give both of you fun.
Sent for each of your BD's 
I'll bet as you read dese
Two stanzas, you're glad there's no pun.

Monday, May 21, 2018

PD349-PD350. These are the bees' knees

There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Each time he attempted to pee.

An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who had started to bore 'er:
"Do you mean birds and bees
Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"

Friday, May 18, 2018

2817. Stealin' in New Zealan'

An unprincipled roué named Lowry
Went after a filthy-rich Maori
He promised to wed her
If she'd let him bed her
Then fucked her right out of her dowry.