2818-2819. Cheapskate dad

Ron Howard recently put together a tremendous DVD entitled, 8 Days A Week - The Touring Years.  My daughter and her husband are huge Beatles fans so I sent them a copy, scheduled to arrive between their Springtime birthdays.  I included this:

Didn't send any cards, they're too maudlin,
So accept these ten lines as my coddlin'.
The Fab Four DVD
That's enclosed should bring glee
(After you've put the kids down from toddlin'.)

It's not much of a gift for just one,
Yet it's meant to give both of you fun.
Sent for each of your BD's 
I'll bet as you read dese
Two stanzas, you're glad there's no pun.

PD349-PD350. These are the bees' knees

There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Each time he attempted to pee.

An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who had started to bore 'er:
"Do you mean birds and bees
Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"

2817. Stealin' in New Zealan'

An unprincipled roué named Lowry
Went after a filthy-rich Maori
He promised to wed her
If she'd let him bed her
Then fucked her right out of her dowry.

OP527. You need a Bayer if you plan to Selmer

Poster OkieJokey provided the following:

At a rally in Elkhart, IN,

Trump recites how his trade wars he’ll win.

     In his tirades, well-worn,

     Donald toots his own horn.

Though a Conn man, he’s no local frien’.

For much of the 20^th Century Elkhart, Indiana, was the “Musical Instrument Capital of the World,” home to the Conn brass and Selmer woodwind companies, among many others.  Now a division of Steinway, Conn-Selmer maintains its US headquarters in Elkhart although much of the manufacturing has been outsourced to China.  

Also, Miles Laboratories (Alka-Seltzer) was founded in Elkhart in 1884.  German Bayer Pharmaceuticals bought out Miles in 1979 and ceased local operations by 2006.

2814-2816. Buddies since 1963

Today is the 72nd birthday of my friend, Mark Collins.  On 6/13 I'll join him at that age.
He's throwing his own party at a restaurant and grill.  This will be read...aloud!

Here's a lim'rick for my friend, J. Markham,
Who has been known to spout much malarkum.
Though he earned Ph.D
The man's next job may be
As a valet who takes cars to park 'em.

For, you see, he's now 5-months-retired,
Leaving more time to see kids he's sired.
TU profs still on staff 
Often ask with a laugh,
"How the hell did Mark ever get hired?"

But enough of this light-hearted roast
(Kinda sad, though, that Mark's his own host.)
He has nothing to fear
'less they run out of beer:
To Mark's birthday!  Now all raise a toast!

2813. Snot what you think

While sittin' 'round, shootin' the bull,
A joke from my bag I did pull.
'Twas no trouble at all
 To say, "What do you call
A whore with a runny nose?"  (Full.)

2810-2812. Double ouch!

My friends David & Lisa Gunton had to cancel a trip to Miami.

Dave is wearing a stiff new knee brace
Wife Lisa his shoestrings must lace.
That tall, handsome fella
Has hurt his patella,
I'll bet he shows pain on his face.

But Lisa can also say, "Shoot!"
Poor thing broke a bone in her foot!
She'd thought that her pain
Was a bad ankle sprain;
It's much worse --- she must walk in a boot.

How'd you do yours, Dave?  Throwing a discus?
I have heard that can tear a meniscus.
Please, my friends, don't go roam,
Watch TV and stay home
Rest and heal as you dream of hibiscus.

2809. Jejeune rhymes

Only one?  Boon, coon, dune, goon, hewn, June.
Or try loon, moon, noon, prune, rune, spoon, tune.
Next, baboon and tycoon
Octoroon, picayune,
Need four syllables?  Contrabassoon.

2808. The head cheese

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