PD47-50. Classics Phil-ustrated

A wonderful word is the ibid,
Its appearance is pale and insipid.*
It stands as a sage
At the foot of the page
To tell whence the passage was cribbed.
* A near-rhyme, but what else should the author have used?  
 I might suggest an entirely new line 2:
"Employed as a claim you've not fibbed"
but 'fibbed' isn't really a synonym for 'plagiarized.'

Said a printer well-known for his wit,
"There are certain bad words we omit.
It would sully our art
To print the word f---,
And we never, no never, use s---."

Said a hardened old lecher named Mosul
In rejecting a young whore's proposal,
"I've so calloused my drill
That I can't get a thrill
Save but screwing a kitchen disposal."

The limerick's a queer aberration,
It's a weird form of sex sublimation.
Words sent to the mind
Like "a rosy behind"
End in doggerel, not copulation.

791. Wild ride

Bull riders from old Albuquerque
Practice up on a gal who's quite perque.
When given a Pepsi
It spurs epilepsy
And makes her fuck all herque-jerque.

Are you familiar with Rodeo Sex?  That's when you're screwing your wife or girlfriend doggy-style, you clasp your arms around her, lock your hands and whisper in her ear, "Your sister really likes it this way."  Then you try to hang on for 8 seconds.

789-790. How's tricks?

A sweet-smelling whore named Gunilla,
Positions her puss on a pillow.
Says she "I can wangle
More johns at this angle
Plus, I scent my cunt with vanilla."

A profligate man from Azores
Each week would go down to the whores.
They weren't too expensive
But he became pensive:
"Is there any get from my spores?"
"Get" as a noun means offspring.

788. No help atoll

An uptight young surfer named Howie
Tried riding the big waves off Maui.
It gave him relief
'Til he crashed on the reef --
His shoulder now has a big owie.

787. Two-fisted fun

A woman who lived by the Ganges
As a dildo used one hand's phalanges.
While diddling her gland
Used her alternate hand
To hold tumblers of fine Glenmorangies.
The final word is often mispronounced (as rhymed above.)  It is properly pronounced (the singular) Glen-MOR-un-gee.  It is the brand name of one of the finest single-malt scotches, due in part to its being aged in casks previously used to hold sherry.

786. Bush hates plant

George H. W. was thin, not built stockily,
And something he said came out cockily:
"I now am the prez
And here's what I sez:
'I'm not eating any more broccoli!'"

785. Double standard

A duplicitous man made his wife
Give him head at the point of a knife!
But he thought it immoral
To give her some oral--
This caused them much marital strife.

784. Deserving of a Kanin

There once was a preacher named Larson,
Ill-suited for being a parson.
At a French restaurant
He decided to taunt
A young waiter by shouting out "Garçon!"

The French word for boy (and often 'waiter') is pronounced "garSOHN."  My title puns on caning by using the name of the American playwright, Garson Kanin (whose given name is pronounced with the accent on the first syllable.)  He is best known for Born Yesterday.

783. A Gourdian Naught(y)

A writer whose last name is Gray,
Word processes all of the day.
At night before slumber
She grabs a cucumber
To diddle her taco-shaped bay.

PD45-46. One nice, one with spice

A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.

While I sat with the Duchess at tea,
She inquired: "Do you fart when you pee?"
I replied "Not a bit.
Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt that was one point to me.

782. Just plain silly

An old horse stall cleaner named Tucker
Did foolish things often, that fucker!
His acts were done visibly
And often quite risibly
For he was a goofy old mucker.

781. Time for Flomax

There was an old fellow named Ribble
Whose urologist caused him to quibble:
"It was not long ago,
That I had a strong flow.
Why is it I now only dribble?"

780. No Man's Land

A woman (and hardly a saint),
In regards to sex sure wasn't quaint.
Told a man "Pick a hole
And insert your hard pole --
Just don't miss and attack my sore taint!*"

* The area between the vagina and anus is properly called the perineum.  I've had the slang term "taint" explained to me as "'Tain't pussy, 'tain't ass."  I previously used the word in the title of #153, found here.

779. Guess what he asked for?

Love the unspoken but implied Spoonerism in this old joke...
A poor hen-pecked husband named Mears
Wore clothes that brought wifie to tears.
"Go to Cox's, you brute,
Buy a seersucker suit."
He got shook and went shopping at Sears.

778. Mix these? NaOH!

A curious youngster named Dewey,
Had ideas that often were screwy.
With his chemistry set
Got some sodium wet.
The result?  There was one big ka-blooey!
Click this to see an example.

PD43-44. Inequalities

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"

There once was a man from Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
The left one was small
(Almost no ball at all)
But the right one was huge and won prizes!

777. Paper Tiger

Golf's PGA Tournament -- the year's 4th and final "major championship" -- begins August 9th.  Maybe Tiger will break out of his slump (but I wouldn't bet on it.)
I've a love/hate affair with T. Woods,
And his case of "the misunderstoods."
Since divorce (did enrage 'er)
He's not won a major,
Just cannot deliver the goods.

776. Jism Spoonerism

A horny young rascal is Mick,
Each day he tries dipping his wick.
If unable to score
With some skanky old whore
He just stays at home whipping his dick.

775. Rapid Recovery

An aging but virile old queen
Could five times per hour get obscene.
Twice he'd bugger his friend
With his dick in his end,
And he'd jack off three times in between!

774. Technically challenged

An old man named Mordecai Jones,
Eschews trying to text with cell phones.
Can't see much at all
And the keys are so small
That he's better off speaking in tones.

773. International relations

If you don't know who he was, click his name...
A very smart statesman named Metternich

Spied a beauty, decided to get 'er quick.

He approached with this line:

"I can fuck you just fine

And there's no one alive gives a better lick!"

772. Shyster lawyer

Got the idea for this one from Boulderite's last Spoonerism in his comment to PD34 posted on May 10 of this year...

An ambulance-chaser named Sam,
Used methods that weren't worth a damn.
He wasn't prestigious
Instead, was egregious.
His practice was wholly a sham.

The word 'egregious' is a derivative of the Latin root "grex, gregis" meaning "flock" so egregious means "standing out from the flock."  It has pejorated over the years so that it is now almost always used to mean "noticeably bad."  Some other English words from that root are gregarious, congregate and segregate.