2998-3000. My swan song chanson

Your blog host, The Limericist, is just about to post his last 3 entries.  As I’ve been planning since last summer, my 3,000th limerick gets posted on this final day of 2018!  You will find it at the end (where else?) of this long farewell post.

Regular readers realize that there are many other limericks found throughout the blog.  For example, I have included 417 from the Public Domain.  Other Posters have written and posted 533 more.  Those bring the total to 3,950!

My earliest followers were my high school friend, Wayne Scott (Wanus) who is now deceased, Robin Sutherland with his many hilarious nicknames (among them Amanda B. Recondwith & Helena Handbasket), Larry Gott whom I 'met' thru youtube, and my two brothers, Steve (OkieJokey) and Larry (Boulderite.)  

My most faithful follower and most fertile OP poster, Dave Reddekopp from Swift Current, SK, signed up for the blog in September 2012.  Hardly a day went by without a Dave check in.  When he wasn't reading, he often was writing marvelous "limmies" to augment the blog.  Thanks, David!

Suzanne Heymann of Nanaimo, BC discovered the blog in 2015.  Though I tried hard to explain to her the steps to gain posting status, she didn't follow them for six months.  Therefore, many of her earlier comments show her as "Anonymous," though sometimes with the inclusion of her initials.

What a delightful, fecund, and talented addition Suz was!  She finally figured out how to make her own "OP" posts and began doing so on 1/29/2016.  Sadly, her computer went on the fritz about 2 years later and she's not been heard from since.

Earlier, I mentioned the 950 limericks from other poets to go along with my 3,000.  Although I haven't kept count, there are many more found in comments made to "front page posts", bringing the total count to well over 4,000, but let me say this about the limericks: 

    Their quality, not their quantity, is what makes me proudest.

If you wish to access any of these "hidden 5-liners," go to the archives down the right side of the page, scroll down to the year you're seeking and click on the triangle beside it.  Then click a month name to show all the posts for that month.  By clicking on an archived entry shown in the following blue list you will see both the original limerick and all the comments which were made.  Once you have read the comment(s), click your browser's back button.

By the way, I've only listed those comments containing limericks.  If you want to go searching for puns, jokes, or just background info, there are hundreds more comments.

2011

JUL  1-2, 5

AUG 14, 28,

OCT  222, 257-263

NOV 349, 368, 370

DEC  449

2012

JAN  494-495

MAR  OP25

MAY 679

JUN  735

AUG  PD45-46

OCT  OP51

DEC  Ready for quash racquets?, OP61

2013

JAN  924, 929

FEB  OP78

MAR  981

APR  OP99, 996-1000, OP107

MAY OP111

2014

FEB  OP139

AUG 1446

OCT  1488

2015

JUL  OP181, OP184, 1766

SEP  OP213

OCT  1863, OP220, 1864, 1866, 1868, OP222, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1879-1880, 1881

NOV 1883, 1885, 1890, 91, 92, 93, OP223, OP224, 1894, 1895, OP226, OP227. 1905, 1906, 1907, 1909, 1910

DEC  PD202-206, 1932, OP231

2016

JAN  1956, 1967, 1972,

FEB  1976. OP241, 1980, 1981

MAR 2015, 2016, 2019, 2020, OP256, 2029-2030, 2031-2032,

APR  2048, 2051

MAY 2086

JUN  2103,  2118,  2119,  2134,  2137

JUL   OP293-297, OP304-308

AUG 2188, 2190, 2193, 2206, OP342

SEP   PD257-259, 2241, 2242, 2246,

OCT   2256, 2273,

NOV  2289, OP364-372, PD283,

DEC  2321, 2323, 2324, 2328, 2329, 2333, 2339

2017

JAN 2343, OP384-385, 2345

FEB 2383, 2384, OP393-399,

APR OP419-422

JUN  2545

JUL  PD302-309, OP432-434, 2580, 2581, 2587, 2591

AUG 2611,

SEP  2637, 2650

OCT OP469

NOV 2722, OP475

DEC 2741, OP496, OP501-502, 2754

2018

JAN OP521-522, OP524

FEB 2782

And now, my final(?) entries*

I've been showered with kudos effusive

Sometimes got help from poets collusive

But as years have gone by

One thing's caused me to sigh,

My readers have grown more reclusive.

So I've come to this thought-out decision

No more lines of rhyme needing elision

One a day's been an onus

Hope some were a bonus

Which led to your praise, not derision.

For eighty-nine months, made you simper

Now I'm going to go out with a whimper.

It has been a great run

And has brought me much fun

But I'm gone lest my rhymes become limper.

* Probably not, because until Trump is dethroned, I'm sure I'll have things to say.

2997. The perfect woman!

A 2 foot 6 slut would bring cheer
She could blow you sans kneeling, the dear!
And if her head were flat
On its top, 'twould mean that
You could set down your icy cold beer.

2996. A different toe jam

In my youth I employed a whip sock
(Which is something male readers will grok.)
Did my mom ever know
The dried stuff in its toe
Was emitted by my turgid cock?

2995. Too pushy (and a big tushie)

An initialization spelled MAGA*
Is the mantra of Trump's sleazy saga.
What he's mainly made great
Are his ego and weight
But regardless, his minions stay gaga.

* If you've been living under a rock, you might not decipher "Make America Great Again."

2994. Perhaps it, too, is like jelly

It's Christmas; I'll post this because
Much empathy's owed Mrs. Claus.
The dick of old Santa
Is hardly giganta
His belly, too, gives her much pause.

2993. For 5B congress couldn't budge it

The wall debate ended in stalemate
Adding yet one more thing to Trump's fail rate
For causing the shutdown
He needs to be cut down
Will Cohen, perhaps, be Don's jail mate?

2992. Black-hearted about black people

A bigot who lived in L.A.
Had these racist outpourings to say:
"I have an abhorrence
For persons from Torrance
Or Compton or Watts, by the way."

2991. Showin' his spunk

A man who lived out on the street
Was often found beating his meat.
When semen went streamin'
It left him a-beamin'
You'd think he'd have been more discreet.

2990. Fouls and foul language

Since my youth, such broad changes in "Hoops",
Players now don't say sheepishly, "Oops."
I am here to report
Ain't no non-contact sport,
Guys who drive the lane get knocked for loops.
Could have also been entitled, "No blood, no foul."

2989. Works both ways... supposedly

If the boy's not sixteen, Girl, act morally
Though you're older, don't pleasure him orally.
Caught with pulled-back prepuce
You will have no excuse
When arrested for rape statutorily.
But does this ever happen except with school marms?

2988. In Alabama it's a capital offense

There once was a man in Montgomery*
Who seduced an old heiress with flummery.
Of life savings he milked her,
She sued 'cause he'd bilked her.
The bench issued forth judgment summary.
* Drove thru there today on our way to S. Carolina.

2987. My body suffers rick and ruin

It's the seventeenth day of December
But our wood pile is all out of timber.
The fireplace is cold
'Cause this geezer's too old
To cut more, I am no longer limber.

2986. And use a french letter

When try'n to impress some young twat
Murm'ring, "Je ne sais quoi" hits the spot.
She will ask, "Are you Francophile?"
Then after you've sank awhile
Inside her say, "I don't know what."

2985. More turnover

Trump's White House will never run simply.
There's no permanence; he does things limply.
It isn't so zany
That he'd pick Mulvaney
As Chief of Staff (but only temply.)

2984. Man dates?

A Professor of Maxims named Richtem
Had two girls in class, made each a victim.
Tried to teach them his sayings
But both gave him nayings,
Since they wouldn't learn 'em, he dictum.

PD412-417. So saccharine

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

Though most of the crewmen were whites,
Uhura had full equal rights.
Her crewmates, you see,
Loved De-mo-cra-cy,
And the way that she filled out her tights.

I remember a fellow named Louie,
Who ate 17 bowls of chop suey.
When the eighteenth was brought,
He became overwrought,
And we watched as poor Louie went "Blooie!"

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
May frequently be
Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.

An ice hockey star named Gilpatrick
Set his sights upon scoring a "hat trick."
He went into the stands 
And clobbered three fans 
With the end of his stick... Now how's that trick?

I think God uses bathrooms," sighed Claire, 
"But it makes Dad get angry and swear. 
If Mommy is slow 
When he's wanting to go, 
He shouts, "God! Whatcha doin' in there!?"

2983. It Arnott very large

When it comes to the town of Arnett
Many folks won't go there on a bett.
It's near the panhandle
But can't hold a candle
To saunas if you want to swett.
Pop. 523

That title reminds me of what must have been my first pun.  When I was about eight, my mother told me that my father's WWII platoon had been the first American unit to cross the Arno River.  I reportedly said, "How could they if there arno river?"

2982. Hush, hush sweet harlot

You got 36 months, Michael Cohen,
There are lines you and Trump were not toein'.
Bribing Stormy and Karen
Got Democrats swearin'
That Donald had undergone blowin'.

PD395-PD411. From a fecund fuckin' website

With the year-end in sight, I feel it's time for mass quantities.
There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
And her parts grew so hot
There was steam on her twat
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!

"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
 "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
 You've made too much verse on
 Each part of my person,
 Now DO something - there's a good boy!"

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
But a fall on his cutlass
Did render him nutless,
And pratically useless on dates.

She wasn't what you would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity:
You would never have guessed
That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men of the city.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

A wicked stone cutter named Cary
Drilled holes in divine statuary.
With eyes full of malice
He pulled out his phallus,
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.

There's a charming young lady named Dooley
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
But now--it's appallin'--
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.

There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.

The ancient orthographer, Chisholm,
Caused a lexicographical schism 
When he asked to know whether 
'Tween covers of leather
He should use "g" or "j" to spell "jism?"

There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
Which she sucked, bit by bit,
From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.

There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
But as he grew older
His technique grew bolder,
In concert, jacked off with his fist.

There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."

There was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
She was ugly and smelly
With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.

There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

2981. Avoiding a statue of limitations

If a sculpture in life you should garnish
Don't allow the brass name plate to tarnish.
And if statue is wood,
I think 'twould be good
If you added a clear coat of varnish.

2980. Hidin' in the hood

The snatch of each girl individual
Has a clitoris -- is it residual?
Penis envy arises
Due to their small sizes
Perhaps, just like tails, they're vestigial.

2979. Chop chop to the chop shop

There's a tough Oklahoma small town,
Which makes many visitors frown.
Park your car not in Antlers,
The local dismantlers
Will steal it and tear it all down.
Pop. 2,400

2978. Off-bran offering

When in need of Ex-lax™ in Pocasset,
There's no drugstore; it's hard to stay tacit.
You'll say ev'ry foul word
When stopped up with a turd
And relief will not come 'til you pass it.
Pop. 140

2977. On old US-66

When you drive thru the town of Elk City
It may cause your windshield to get gritty.
Though it isn't the norm,
Sometimes a dust storm
Will blow in, leaving things less than pretty.
Pop. 11,500

2976. Someone told me

To view all porn channels takes months
But you'll see many sexual stunts.
Of the girls who don't shave
(Dominatrix or slave)
The brunettes have the hairiest cunts.

2975. First McCain, then 41. Who can The Right revere now?

George Herbert has been laid to rest,
Of the Bush fam'ly, he was the best.
Well, unless you count Barb
Who wore pearls with each garb;
Each one lived life with honor and zest.

2974. Killing the Dow thru his Dao

Said Don, "Take a look at this carafe...
It's from China!  I'm adding a tariff."
It seems he does revel
In playing The Devil
While thinking that he is a seraph.

2973. Methinks we're overmatched

OU Sooners are into the playoffs!
You may watch the game taking no day offs.*
Bama likely will violate
us, yes annihilate.
Good news, though: D-back coach layoffs.
Of 130 large colleges, OU ranked 128th in passing yards allowed per game -- 291.4

* Game is Sat. 12/29 at 8pm EST.

2972. I think they meant "each capture"

A Royal Canadian Mountie
For each conquest, received a small bounty.
With his job so solicitous
He found this felicitous
And fucked every girl in his county.

2971. RIP, GHWB

He was born to a life that was cush.
Used diplomacy, rarely did push.
Although he went to Yale
Stayed laid-back without fail.
I will miss George H. W. Bush.

2970. He could singapore song, too

A Florida tough guy named Hensler
Had two Masters' from Institute Rensselaer.
When Crackers would tease
Him about his degrees
It would foment a melee penins'lar.
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is located in Albany, NY.

2969. Double your pleasure

A Bi- guy was good for a laugh a night
When his spouse put his ass or his staff aright.
His quite strange bedfellow
Could make him feel mellow.
The reason?  "It" was an hermaphrodite!

2968. Bah, humbug!

Black Friday has come and has gone,
Cyber Monday seemed like a big con.
Hate this time of the year,
Makes me grump with no cheer
To afford gifts, my watch I must pawn.

2967. Pondering a pachyderm

To the zoo with the fam'ly I veered,
At a bull elephant, daughter peered.
She asked in voice sweet,
"Why do they have four feet?"
Me: "6 inches would make them look weird."

2966. I bet they say it "CEEment."

If you live in the town of Cement
Don't get angry, there's nowhere to vent.
But if you want a thrill,
Drive 5 miles to Cyril
And try telling some guy to get bent.
Pop. 494

2964-65. Rescind each one's diploma!

A male nurse in East Oklahoma
Had a patient engulfed in a coma
And as she was dozing
He gave her a hosing
Inside of her 'tween-the-legs stoma.

The doc came by later to check her,
To look at her charts and inspec' her.
When he saw that her twat
Was beginning to rot
He cleaned it, then slipped in his pecker.

2963. Make some concrete plans

Fill your tank up with gas, check the oil,
Then head out to the quaint town of Foyil.
To be sure, for a lark
Visit Totem Pole Park
The result of Ed Galloway's toil.
Pop. 344

2962. And no headaches!

My blow-up sex doll is delectable!
'She' insures that I won't be infectable.
Has a dial near the front
Of her Rubbermaid^® cunt
Which lets me make tightness selectable!

2961. The soused (not sous) chef

It's Turkey Day, everyone's cross.
My wife's upset, I'm at a loss
As to why.  Could it be
That despite cranberry,
I'm having a different sauce?

After reading mine, friend Robin Sutherland wrote back with this gem:

OP536. Easily topping mine

'Tis a curious dish, the turducken --

With its gobblin' & quackin' & cluckin'.

But we'll eat it, God knows,

'Til we're stuffed to our toes

And we'll be far too full for some fucken'!

2960. You'll be russian to leave

There's a haunted house over in Kremlin
North of Enid, it's home to a gremlin.
That goddamned poltergeis'
Could, perhaps, scare the scheisse
Out of you or at least set you trem'lin'.
Pop. 266.  Click the blue link and type scheisse into the left-hand box.

2959. Goes over easy

I recently browsed my entries on Okie towns from early 2015.  I'll add a few more over the next month.
A dim-witted girl out in Clinton
Is susceptible to vulgar hintin'
If you say, "Hens are laying"
It goes without saying
She'll let you do pussy indentin'.
Pop. 9,505 it is 86 miles west of OKC on I-40.

2958. Dumping Trump by the numbers

It's time that we eighty-sixed Don,
He has two-timed us right down the john.
Let's get rid of Four Five
With amendment Two Five
And then dress "to the nines" when he's gone!
In short, the 25th amendment "provides the procedures for replacing the president or vice president in the event of death, removal, resignation, or incapacitation."

After reading #2958, Judith Marks-White emailed me this one.  I've provided the title:

OP535. Undeserved praise

As for Two Thousand, Nine Fifty-Eight

It is you whom we need celebrate.

You went out on a lim 

And produced, on a whim,

A ditty that’s nothing but great.

Judith is a friend whose limericks regularly appear in AWADmails, 

2957. Doormat dynasty

It's time to watch OU play Kansas
In football, should bring big bonanzas
To my Sooners in red.
KU just may play dead.
They're so awful, why'd I waste these stanzas?
In the 9 years from 2009-2017, Kansas' record was 20-88.  So far in 2018, they're 3-7

2956. Was their wedding staged?

Said Lynn Fontanne's spouse, Alfred Lunt,
"Your appearance is très succulent.
Now I know there is no job
You hate like a blow job
But may I at least fuck your cunt?"

2955. I've scene enough

I just now arose from "the hay"
Looking out, it's a glorious day!
I am prob'ly a nut
To sit here on my butt
When the leaves are in such bright array.
I considered the title, "Curses!  Foliage again!"

PD384-394. Classics (some classless)

A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
        Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
        And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."

A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
        A policeman cried, "Whatam--
        Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as he could.

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
        In twenty-eight days
        They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        She let herself go
        For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
        He remarked with a smile,
        "Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."

On the night of her wedding Ms. Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
        If you want it queer ways,
        Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.

At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
        Thanks to vulcanized aids,
        Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
        And loud was his mirth
        For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
        The taste was so fine
        Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).

There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
        She would use with delight
        All day long and all night -
Ninety bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.

There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
        Every time he got hot
        He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.

2954. Edgy humor in the heartland

Just arrived home from David Sedaris
Nearly all of his show was hilaris.
No one minded one bit
That he said "fuck" and "shit"
I remember when those would embaris.

2953. The people have spoken

Lindsey Crane, co-author of Limericks in the Time of Trump, asked her three co-authors for 5-liners commemorating a recent political victory in her hometown, Lafayette, California.  Developers (with the mayor's approval) had wanted to take out hundreds of trees and drastically increase traffic congestion.  The local utility company, Pacific Gas & Electric, also supported the plans.

Lindsey's group, "Save Lafayette," protested vigorously on street corners and waved placards in support of its city council candidates, including Ivor Samson and Susan Candell.  The campaigning worked, as three people from the group are now on the 5-person council and the mayor lost!

OP534. Steve Benko supplied this excellent one:
A developer's marionette
On the council was making us sweat.
We made signs and cars honked,
Then we went home and bonked,
For we'd saved our dear town, Lafayette.

I sent this:
Mayor Tatzin, that nasty conniver,
Was as tricky as Angus McGyver.
We'll save each Deer Hill tree
From mean PG&E,
Thank goodness for Susan and Ivor!

Our 4th author, Zelda Dvoretzky, has yet to weigh in.

2952. Very tough word to rhyme

It's been one hundred years since the armistice
Mustard gas meant "too late for a pharmastice."
Germans laid weapons down
But peace terms made them frown
Could it be next world war's cause of harm was us?

2951. Balls to the wall

Diana and Carol are 'besties'
Who play jai 'lai with custom-made cestes.
Before leaving the gym
They oft get a whim
To suck on a coupla guys' testes.
The plural of 'cesta' is 'cestas' but I needed a rhyme.  Do you think I'm a basket case?

2950. Who? Me?

If you want to be way more sagacious
Read books with a habit voracious.
But as you learn more
Try not being a bore,
(Which you will be if you are loquacious.)

2949. Giving a rat his ass

A queer whose depression was chronic
Stuck a rat up his ass as a tonic.
And there, midst the shit,
That vile rodent, it bit;
Each died of the plague called 'bubonic.'

2948. Lookin' rosy for Pelosi

The mid-term elections have passed
Record numbers of votes have been cast.
Democrats will all smile
From their side of the aisle
Next year when the House is amassed.

2947. Still playing at 86

A fine tennis player from Dallas
As a youngster, got teased without malice.
His nickname to boot
Was "He who can't shoot."
I'm speaking, of course, of John Powless.
He was born in Illinois; I recall seeing his name in "World Tennis."

2946. Best by a cuntry mile

There's nothing that quite hits the spot
Like a hot, throbbing, juice-slickened twat.
What else can compare
To that hair-covered lair?
I'm tellin' ya, I don't know what!

2945. Methane around

A wealthy wildcatter named Welch
Had a gas problem he couldn't squelch
He wanted to marry 
His hot secretary
But try'n to propose, he would belch.

2944. Harvard B.A. and M.D.

I'm reading a novel by Crichton
There's no question that he was a brichton.
Titled "A Case of Need"
Plot is awesome indeed
But his doctor-speak I wish he'd lichton.
Written while he was still in med school, it's a page-turner.  Michael Crichton was probably most famous for "The Andromeda Strain."  In reading about him, I learned he was 6'9".

2943. Slickening agent

Here are words of advice (and I wrote 'em)
"Men, your cocks work the best if you coat 'em
With petroleum jelly,
(The kind that ain't smelly)
You'll go in as deep as your scrotum."

2942. Statutorily stuck in stir

There once was a fellow named Simon
Who suffered from very bad timin'
He fucked with a maid
Not quite sixteen and paid
Twenty years due to breaking her hymen.

2941. Underachiever on "Leave it to Beaver"

Wally Cleaver's snide friend, Eddie Haskell,
Epitomized smarmy, that rascal!
Thought girls couldn't resist him,
Tried beating the system
But needed more smarts like Blaise Pascal.

2940. Booty-full babes

In Brobdingnag, people indigen-
ous weigh a lot more than a smidgen.
The women, for sure,
Cannot wear haute couture
Because of butts steatopygian.

2939. I could diarrheal painful death

My toilet seat hasn't a hinge,
It stays down; I burn matches to singe
The foul air, what a stink!
My poor anus is pink
'Cause I have Montezuma's Revenge.

2938. Recent AWAD

When trying to rhyme up "trompe l'oeil"
In french accent it just might destroy ya.
Une technique d'art quite sly
It means "trick of the eye"
And is s'posed to amuse, not annoy ya.

2937. But leave the anchovy in the bowl

A Chicago cafe near the Aragon
Ballroom serves romaine greens herbed with tarragon
The resulting salade
Deserves a ballade
For as Caesars go, it is the paragon.

2936. A bloody mess

A "top" try'n to reach points sigmoidal
Caused his "bottom" much pain hæmorrhoidal.
Offered up no regret
And, instead, was beset
With an attitude most schadenfreude-al.
(His "bottom" means his partner.)

2935. You're welcome any time

This blog uses StatCounter™ to track its traffic.  The counter appears at the lower-left-hand corner of the page.  It provides many metrics, including each visitor's Internet Service Provider and approximate location.

For a couple of weeks I've been blessed with fairly regular visits from this person:

A new reader's put my blog in motion
His ISP's "Digital Ocean."
New York is his state
He oft visits here late,
I wonder what gave him the notion?

Are you someone I know?  Regardless, feel free to email me and introduce yourself (that goes for everyone.)   Address is in the banner atop each page.

PD381-383. Ethnic pokes

There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."

A well-hung young Oglala Sioux
Told girls that he always withdrew.
The ones who believed
Very often conceived.
When he couldn't pull out 'fore he blew. 

There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
The object of rape
Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.

2931-2934. Classy Mini-Class Reunion

My wonderful friend, Margaret Mary,
Isn't just kinda nice, she is very!
She invited me down
To my dear old hometown
To party a while and then tarry.

We had drinks and hors d’œuvres, some quite fancy
And I'm so glad that I took the chancy,
'Cause our Foreign Exchange
Student's here on the range!
She's from Holland and her name is Nancy.

About twelve of us gathered to visit
I was probably far too inquisit-
ive.  Fifty-four years
have passed; shared laughs and tears,
In some ways that's not so long, is it?

I'm awake from a great night of rest
The bed was tremendous, no jest!
Marg'ret, Nancy, and I
Having coffee, oh my,
These two wonderful gals are the best!

2930. Going to waist

There once was a colleen named Kelly
Whose Double-D tits shook like jelly.
Those boobs were so swollen
They hung to her colon
Found somewhere beneath her small belly.

2929. Fri. & Sat. night TV show

On "Live PD" bad guys abound
They should be locked up, not running 'round.
You see some shot by Taser™
Which burns like a laser
And quickly brings them to the ground.
The show is fast-moving and nothing seems staged.  So many criminals out there, it almost makes you afraid to drive.  Click this for ratings.

2928. Absorbison needling

In golf there are terms, quite a few,
That can bring to your face a red hue
When you get out-driven
It's almost a given
Opponent will say, "Blue Bayou."
Actually, after surpassing you he first says, "That was a Linda Ronstadt" in hopes you'll say, "Huh?"
(Title from the fact that Roy Orbison wrote the song.)

2927. He puts the "loaf" in pinching one

A self-flagellator named Hacker
When at work was a terrible slacker.
He'd spend hours in a stall
Not to heed natures call
But instead as an indolent whacker.

2926. Help wanted

David Reddekopp used to regularly post here.  Maybe flattery will bring him back.
I thought I should drop you a line
Saying, "your rhymes are better than mine."
Sometimes your 5-liners
Put me in the minors
('Tho some I've writ seem quite divine.)

  --- Overlooked odes ---
In going thru my archives, I discovered that somehow I neglected to post these two back in mid-2013.  Their inclusion here makes my count correct.

1099. Canuck luck
A Vancouver native named Yates
Sought love in the United States
His province is BC
And he's AC/DC
Which doubles his chances for dates.

1111. Cheap fertilizer
A fam'ly with lawn like a dream
Keeps it green 'cause they act as a team
On it they crap their turds
Just like small cattle herds,
Their neighbors think this is excreme.

2925. What's for launch?

A pubescent young man named McClung
At eleven, was already hung.
When he first beat his meat
Shot wad clear to the street,
Which earned him the nickname, "Far-flung."

2924. It's my Em to make you groan

My penchant for punning won't cease.
Re: Miss Dickinson, here's a small piece:
When I heard her last name
To my mind this one came:
"That reminds of The Donald et fils."

2923. Inevitable ending

To delay men from reaching the summit

I have heard there are creams which will numb it.

But whatever guys use

To attempt to defuse

Once they come, dick and interest plummet.

2922. What a sweetie

We're having a visit from Nora
She's more fun than the isle Bora Bora.
Not quite four-and-a-half
Makes us smile, makes us laugh,
She's our granddaughter whom we adora.
It's our daughter's 20th HS reunion and she brought Nora with her.
Little brother Jay, 20 months, stayed home with Dad.

2921. To heck wit de equity

Have you recently eyeballed the Dow?
It's been taking a nosedive, and how!
Told my broker, "Let's sell"
She said, "No.  What the hell,
Be like Bart Simpson, don't have a cow."
From Tues. am 'til Thurs. pm my Exxon-Mobil stock lost over $10K (on paper.)

2920. Dung on the tongue

Minny cooked up a pie with some fecal
Matter made to taste almost like treacle.
Offered up in "The Help"
Hilly ate without yelp.
('Twas the 60's, well past fin de siècle.)

2919. "Meat, don't fail me now"

Sometimes when I go off to nap
My hand finds its way to my lap
I enjoy reminiscence
Of when concupiscence
Would let me get hard in a snap.
My title is borrowed from a Willie Best line.
Actual pronunciation is kon-KYOO-pi-sence.

2918. Driving to the poor house

We just bought a new SUV
It's a Honda, a grey CR-V
Taxes, title, and tag
Cost so much, made me gag
In just six short years, we'll be debt free!

2917. Mammaries are made of this

I love gals who have ponderous racks
With two prurient, pillowy sacks.
And though still caressable
They're not as accessible
When we form "The Beast With Two Backs."

2916. You can't spell "Stoops" without "oops"

Each week our "D" played just like poops
Sooner fans would complain in great groups.
Though he left once before
Now he's been shown the door,
It is "Farewell Forever!" Mike Stoops.

Oklahoma University's Defensive Coordinator got the axe today.
Out of 129 teams, OU ranks No. 96 in total defense (421.2 yards per game), No. 106 in passing defense (264.3 yards), No. 97 in third-down conversion defense (42.4 percent), No. 95 in fourth-down conversion defense (63.2 percent) and 124 at red-zone defense (tied for last with 0 stops).

2915. Not feeling Cheerio

Final score: Texas 48, Oklahoma 45
Longhorns are deserving of gloats,
Ran and passed the ball right down our throats
Poor defense from Mike Stoops
Got OU knocked for loops,
That, or we just weren't feeling our oats.

As an alternate title, "General Mauls."

2914. Red River Rivalry

My wife and I met at OU

Burnt Orange for us will not do

Should we lose to texas

It surely will vex us

And leave us downhearted and blue.

One of college football's biggest rivalries renews today.  Texas leads the series 61-46-5, but since 2000 Oklahoma is 12-6.

2913. Somnus interruptus

I wake long before it is light
With a bladder so full it feels tight.
So I get up to micturate,
Examine my dick to rate
it.  Wish I could sleep thru the night.

2912. Did the audience laugh or not?

JFK had an awesome demeanor
His wit could have hardly been keener
But his linguistic skills
Seemed as sour as some dills
When he uttered, "Ich bin ein Berliner!"
This article says it wasn't a gaffe and the phrase meant what he intended.  Scroll down and read all of the "I'm a doughnut" urban legend section.

This trashy meme/pun indicates that most folks today still think he misspoke.

2911. Not so subtle signals

I would find some 'strange' pussy delicious
But I'm not one whom you'd call capricious
Still, when gals lick their lips
Or they swivel their hips
Those acts are extremely lubricious.

2910. Martial artist

When speaking of John Philip Sousa
It's hard to imagine one who's a
Composer more loved
When his marches are shoved
In one's ears; each a lollapalooza.

Instead of "Fairest of the Fair" I'd pick "High School Cadets" for the Top 10.  It's in 5 flats, meaning the trio is in six flats!  And rather than "Hands Across the Sea" I'd choose the U.S. Field Artillery March.  Its trio is the "Caisson Song" ("Over hill, over dale..)

PD368-380. Even more worldly pleasures

Mohammed, when lodged in Medina
Imported a fifth wife from China
Being anxious to know
If it really were so
That Chinese have a squinted vagina.

Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue;
She presented to sight
Some parts pink, some parts white,
And others quite purple and blue.

There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
He said as he fuck-ed
Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "Bless my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
Fur-lined it all 'round,
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.

There once was a woman from Reno
Who used to enjoy playing Keno
'Til she laid on her back
Began ope'ning her crack
Now she owns the whole fucking casino

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 
Said he, "You be buggered! 
I like to fuck slow, and I shall." 

There was a young monk in Siberia,
Whose morals were very inferior,
He jumped on a nun
Which he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There once was a lady from Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart 
The whole oboe part 
Of Mozart's quartet in F-Major. 

There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
It had many odd uses,
Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.

There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

There was a young lady from Worcester
Who complained that too many men gorcester.
So she traded her scanties
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda,
Who thought she was shrewd; I was shrewder;
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude;
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

OP529-533. Deserving of their own hearing

87-yr-old Zelda Dvoretzky of Haifa emailed this Kavanaugh-bashing batch to me and several other AWAD pals:

We were hammered. It's all a big lie 

and besides, it was some other guy.

     Don't know why she's so sore;

     we did not even score

'cause the bros and I drank the keg dry.

Well, maybe it is kind of sad,

but we never did anything bad.

     We were just having fun,

     and I wasn't the one.

Be a pal and please don't tell my  dad.

Besides, as I best can recall,

we were all having malts at the mall

     with our Sunday School group

     and the Eagle Scouts troop,

so we couldn't have been there at all.

It's disgusting the way rumors travel.

This political plot we'll unravel.  

    All those Dems out to get me,

     they didn't upset me.

Case closed. Someone hand me my gavel.

I wrote back saying, "Gadzooks, Zelda!  You're even better sans AWAD fetter.  (Hmmmm.  Do I hear the makings of another limmie?)

She replied,

Perhaps, sans the old AWAD fetter,

I could write limericks even better!

     Phil, you've planted the seed;

    you might be right indeed.

Thanks for that, and your lovely fan letter.

Not wanting to let her have the last word, I emailed her #2909.

2909. Mutual admiration

That Zelda; how I'd like to pet her,
I cherish the day that I met her.
For she "lims" the best rhymes
(All with anapæst times)
She's a four score and seven go-getter!

2908. In the pink of health

A teenager once had a notion
To masturbate with Jergens™ Lotion
The stuff was so thick
And so slick on his dick
That he came in waves just like an ocean.

2907. He should say, "Iowapologies."

The Iowa senator, Grassley,
Treated Dr. Ford ever so crassly
He shrank up the colons
Of most Repub. solons
And pissed off the Democrats vas'ly.

2905-2906. Tightwad of tenderness and intelligence

Today's AWAD is clutchfist and means "miser."  Strangely, I wrote this limerick yesterday.
Our president acts sanctimonious
But some of his acts are felonious
To women he's dingy
With immigrants, stingy
A synonym is 'parsimonious.'

Now I will add this one to the day's output:
Trump's tweets usher forth like a geyser
Looks and talks like he's had much Budweiser™
So full of pomposity
(What a monstrosity!)
Content-wise, though, he's a miser.

2904. Britney Griner, maybe?

A man with a 14" schlong
Stayed a virgin, and here's what was wrong:
He said, "I'll not screw
For that just would not do
'Til an equal-depth gal comes along."
At 6'9 she might qualify but she's a lesbian.

2903. But please, not me!

Lim'ricks just aren't as funny when smutless,
Make me think that the author was gutless.
When the words are all clean
Art form he does demean
Deserves losing his nuts to a cutlass.

I borrowed from this pubic domain one:

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Danced a hornpipe for all of his mates,
But he slipped on his cutlass,
And made himself `nut-less`,
And now he's just worthless on dates.

2902. Akhanaten sure that this is true

The Egyptian sun god was named Ra
And a great many held him in awe.
But not Nefertiti,
And what a great pity
That her name implied, "needs no bra."

2901. Luxoriate in this

Long before the enslavement of Hebes
Some ancient tomb raiders in Thebes
Heard words from a mummy
Just tryin' to be chummy
Which gave them some bad heebie-jeebes.

2900. Short-changed

In inches, men's dicks average six
Yet cunts can take seven from pricks
If you work out the math
What's unused in "the path"
Becomes miles; how completely redix!
If you figure 3 billion men having sex an average of 20 times annually, we're being fucked out of close to a million miles of pussy per year!  Here's the math:

1" • 3 billion men • 20 times/year = 60 billion inches.

Divide that by 12 and you get 5 billion feet.
Divide that by 5,280 and you get 946,970 miles.

Over 7.4 billion people on earth but I'm figuring a lot of men are too young or too old to be sexually active and of those who are (and are also hetero), 20 times per year may actually be generous!!

2899. I thought they liked foreplay

The female sex sure can befuddle
With motives clear as a mud puddle.
Men like sucking their tits
And caressing their clits
While gals say, "How about we just cuddle?"

2898. Pat-her-asty

While dummy (at friends for some bridge)
I went in to check out their fridge
Ran into their daughter,
Could not have been hotter
So I squeezed her ass just a smidge.
(Pederasty involves only males.)

2897. A true Harlequin Romance

A gay man who hailed from Karachi
Had a trousseau of suits by Versace
He sought matrimonio
With guy playing Tonio
In Leoncavallo's Pagliacci.

2896. Another definition of 'vacuous'

There once was a woman named Rose,
Eating dicks was the job that she chose.
It was no task at all
Sucking new tennis ball
Through a 50-foot long garden hose.

2895. The rest of the story

Author and great friend Judith Marks-White had this limerick published in the 9/16/18 AWADmail:

There was once a young spinto soprano,  
Who traveled from far Capistrano.
He liked strutting the stage
In op’ratic enrage
As the cowardly El Capitano.

I wrote her, saying, "You've inspired me to write a 2nd verse.  Maybe not Kurt, but its first line is pretty Weill."

He could out-sing Ms. Lenya (that's Lotte)
And though male, when he needed to potty
He would sit, never stand,
Let it hang, used no hand,
He sang high because he was castrati.

2894. Facile and docile

An unfortunate fellow got neutered
Had no urge to go drink and get Hootered
This asexual guy
Got no thrill, gave no sigh
When bent over to be Roto-Rootered.

2893. Straight shooter

A Jew convert wasn't too hot
About 'getting snipped' being his lot
But after the bris
He found when he'd piss
That all the drops went in the pot.

2892. Nonsense (and reprehensibility?)

Some think Edward Lear is a loon
What's that adjective he used for "spoon"?
Although it's enuncible
What's meant by "runcible" 
Probably won't be known soon.
He is acknowledged as having invented the limerick but his L5s often repeat his L1s.

2891. Rain, rain, stay away

Here's hoping that Hurricane Florence
Doesn't bring what the forecasting warrants.
Millions now in retreat,
Tides may surge thirteen feet
With three days of rain coming in torrents.

2890. My answer, a dancer

At a small, topless watering hole
A skinny slut fulfilled my goal.
I said, "Hon, you're the sleaziest
Dancing ecdysiast
To whom I have offered MY pole."

2889. Sabra dance, maybe?

An old Jewish man epicurian
Once befriended the statesman, Ben Gurion.
Though it made him seem gaucher
He didn't keep kosher
And dined list'ning to Khachaturian.

2888. While Darien was only "restricted"

Hitler wanted a race fully Aryan
No one Roma, Semitic, Sumerian.
By using eugenics
And silencing cynics
He wiped out opinions contrarian.

2887. No occident

A jacking-off Asian named Fong
Dreamed of having a Negroid-like dong
Squeezed tightly while whackin'
His poor dick would blacken
But never did grow all that long.

2886. A different kind of wedgie

Told, "Pre-marital sex is a sin,"
Batman sated himself with a grin.
He would fold up his cape
In cuneiform shape
And deposit his sperm cells therein.

2884-2885. Smokey smooth

We've lost Reynolds, the actor named Burt,
Posed for Cosmo with no pants or shirt.
Sally, Loni, and Dinah
He wooed with no sign o'
His ceasing to be a big flirt.

Deliverance stamped him "legit"
While the "Bandit" flicks brought a great bit
Of money and fame
Though their plots were so lame.
Go here; you can read his obit.
Dinah was 53 when Burt began dating her.  He was 35.

2883. Low morals or molars?

Arrested for rape with much gravity,
The perp denied any depravity.
Claimed, "I am apprenticed
At being a dentist,
Was practicing filling a cavity."
Here's WC Fields as "The Dentist."  Skit dates to his vaudeville days.

2881-2882. Fear and anonymous loathing

While much of the world gives a cheer,
What's the POTUS do?  Nothing but jeer.
Trump will not say a good word
Re book from Bob Woodward
He says, "It's all lies" (book is "Fear.")

Next, out came the staid New York Times
Printed "insider's" words on Don's crimes.
Anon. piece says, "He's mental,
Lacked guidance parental."
Please, more of you, ring alarm chimes.

2880. Can this marriage be "saved"?

A newlywed groom sought permission
To try out all ways of coition.
His wife, though, demurred;
They fuck only (I've heard)
Like evangelists off on a mission.

2879. Officer, I'm unarmed

In a car wreck a guy broke his humerus
And radius, bruises were numerous.
Nor was ulna intact
From having been whacked.
Good news: x-rays showed he wasn't tumorous.

2878. Teller to be more careful

A woman who worked as a banker
Developed a labial chancre
She'd taken deposits
In vaults and broom closets,
One guy with VD had dropped anchor.

2877. Rhyme but no reason

While visiting Tegucigalpa
A pilot (and member of BALPA)
Saw many strange scenes,
Trees with leaves just like beans!
In Britain they don't have catalpa.
(They don't grow in C. America, either.)

PD366-367. The long and the short of it

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."

There was a young lady from Drew
Who ended her verse at line two.

2876. Give it a rest. (I should.)

I wish I were hung like my neighbor
His dick is the size of a caber!
He visits the houses
Of all the guys' spouses,
And fucks one each Day except Labor.

2875. Taco Bull

My brother, Steve, has nickname "Socko"
He remembers an umpire named Jocko
Whose last name was Conlan.
Steve also likes fon'lin'
Pudenda shaped much like a taco.

2874. Out, août, damned hot

The mercury climbed awful tall
And the heat index often did gall
Methinks as I bloggest
About this past August
That we're looking forward to fall.

2873. We get frosty looks in return

Air conditioning causes, I'm told,
A fellow to act really bold
In bars where he tipples
And looks at girls' nipples,
Protruding since air is so cold.

There are 122 days left in the year and I'm 127 limericks short of 3,000.  Unless I again lose interest, should be a snap to make it.

2872. Managerial magic

Since firing their leader ersatz
St. Louis has really great stats!
I cheer for my Cards
In all the ball yards
Where they play with their balls (and their bats.)
On 7/14 they replaced manager Mike Matheny, whose record was 47-46.  After starting off 4-5 under Mike Shildt they have gone 24-8, winning their last 10 series.

2871. Given the turd degree

Two college fraternity buddies
Both liked scatalogical studies.
They wrote Master's theses
On elephant feces,
What shitty and strange fuddy-duddies.

2870. Beyond my ability

For 40 months AWAD has been publishing my puns on the words.
Today's word is roister-doister!  How's a guy to pun on that?
I am instead sending in this limerick.

I can't possibly pun "roister-doister"
Couldn't even if locked in a cloister.  
I think Garg's trying to thwart
My contemptible art 
To make certain the world's not my oyster.
(Anu Garg is the founder and wordsmith at AWAD.)

2869. Auto erotic

No moon, it was totally dark,
Got my date to undress, car in 'Park'
With her feet on head liner
I fucked her vaginer,
My ass bore the steering wheel's mark.

2868. I'm hot to twat

My "rep" this will probably tarnish
But the truth I do not plan to varnish
Pussy hound that I am
I would eat J-Lo's clam
Adorned with a small bit of garnish.
(Only parsley true.)

2867. Requiem for a comedic giant

I cannot do justice by rhymin'
That marvelous playwright, Neil Simon.
Made me laugh 'til I cried
Sad to hear that he died,
Broadway's heights he'll no longer be climbin'.

2863-2866. Requiem for a Republican

McCain's gone; a kind, moderate man.
I'm a Dem but was mostly a fan
No Tea Party looney,
With voice strong, not puny
Served decently as so few can.

In Hanoi, Navy pilot McCain
Spent 66 long months in pain
Trump called him "no hero"
Which shows what a zero
We have as our nation's worst bane.

A "mav'rick" John often was called
And his votes could leave fellow-REPs galled.
His idea of what's "right"
Was not "far" nor to spite
Those who on left of aisle were installed.

He lived his last days in good humor
Not easy when you've a brain tumor.
His replacement, I've heard
Might be some fascist bird
Here's hoping that's only a rumor.

2861-2862. Going down Mexico way

While having some hummus on pita
Washed down with a rocks margarita
My thoughts often stray
To a Hispanic lay
I once had; what a sweet señorita!

When I snuggled with her on that day
To be truthful, she wasn't a "lay."
The term "señorita"
Was more "señor eatah,"
No fucks but she blew me away!

2860. Deflated mouse

Don't strauss over this one...

At last his girl did as he urgèd
Their supple young bodies they mergèd
He shot some huge wads
From both left and right cods
Which left his dick no longer turgid.
(Wonder how long before he was able to bat again?)

2859. No profanity but is it profane?

My ego is very prodigious,
Don't cross me or I'll get litigious.
Though I take time to pray
It's done only one way...
In my bed.  Guess I'm just sack religious.

2857-2858. A Twofer last Tuesday, 8/21

Tuesday, Manafort (first name is Paul)
Took a hard and a well-deserved fall
This gives Democrats hope
For impeaching "The Dope"
'Cause so long as he stays, he'll appall.

The Left Wing is cheerin' and glowin'
Celebrations we ought to be throwin'.
Stormy got paid to "hush,"
Michael got the bum's rush
First from Trump, then the judge.  Bye, bye, Cohen.

2856. Magnificent MILF

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

2855. Doubt this will keep you in stitches

An old Jewish tailor named Cohen,
Is constantly goin' and blowin'
Those verbs in Line 2
Have nothing to do
With things sexual, just with his sewin'.

2854. Vicarious views

A gorgeous gal golfer named Creamer
Makes me horny; how I'd love to ream 'er.
But she'd spurn my advances,
My hole-in-one chances
Are better; I'll just stay a dreamer.
First name Paula.  I'd like to maul 'a and let her hold my trophy like that.