1973-1974. Apologies to Maya Angelou

There once was a woman named Dinah
Who was lonely, so purchased a mynah
Tried to teach it to talk
But it only would squawk
So she stuck it inside her vagina.

Still lonely, to combat her anguish,
Fucked a Mexican rather than languish.
This made the fowl flutter
(Raul didn't mutter)
When yanked out, the birdie spoke Spanglish!
Perhaps the poetess didn't know why a caged bird sings...

OP236. Three wise guys

At Christmas, three jokesters to thank
Who were planning on pulling this prank
This year's a bit stranger
For there at the manger
Are Mr. Gold, Murray, and Frank.

The town was incensed.

1972. Heymann is no layman

Please welcome another Canuck
Who'll now post at this blog; she has pluck
Her 5-liners (and Dave's)
Nearly always bring raves
Hey, Suzanne, we all wish you much luck!
Long-time poster Dave Reddekopp is from Saskatchewan; Suzanne Heymann is from BC.

OP233-235. Today I saw a pig fly

Well, I'M just a l'il rhymin' technotard
I exercise wearing a leotard
And yet I refrain
From a workout with brain
Getting on to Phil's site shouldn't be so hard.

Was invited to become a member
Since October (or was it November?)
Alone I can't do it
So who'll see me through it?
My techno whiz kid? Can't remember.

'Nother birthday has just passed me by
And that tells me "Get going!" Here's why:
Must get with the program
(I can't, it's a logjam!)
As each day advances
It speeds up my chances
Of doing my last act - to die.

1971. Déclassé clown

Mrs. Lewis was mad and disgraced
When she learned her mate hadn't been chaste
Tried poisoning Jerry
With pie (Boysenberry)
Quite heavily arsenic-laced.

1970. Does one exist? Free?

My sex life has gone in a rut
I think what I need is a slut
One who's happy to try
Sucking me 'til I'm dry
And enjoying my dick up her butt.

1969. Judon't wanta mess with him

A school boy (just one time) was taunted
By bullies, but he was undaunted
Black belt (Tae Kwan Do)
Made him happy to show
Those browbeaters why he was so vaunted.

1968. "Father of the Piano"

The player/composer, Clementi,
Was famous before he was twenty
Inspired by Erato
His playing legato
Created for him fans a'plenty.
In the early days of this blog, I wrote several on composers.  It's been a while.

1967. My love/hate affair with my penis

An elderly man, full of wrinkles,
Takes three minutes each time that he tinkles
But should his dick get stiff
Making wife cut a quiff
It will put in his eyes many twinkles.

1966. No get-up-and-go

I love that my mornings aren't hurried
Unlike when I formerly scurried
To avoid being late
Now I've naught on my plate
What's been hurried is when I'll be buried.

1965. What's your definition of 'is?'

Slick Willie had wiles, it is true
With those charms, he a young intern drew
To his office, where kneeling
She gave Bill that feeling
Not 'sex' though, 'cause they didn't screw.

I received this purported Bernie Sanders ad in an email yesterday:

1964. A unique 19th hole

Given 24 hours leave in port
A sailor set out for some sport
He got in some golfin'
Then got in a dolphin
Was that any way to cavort?

1963. I gnu not to try rhyming Ouagadougou

A newspaperman from El Paso
Took assignment to Burkina Faso
He drank beer quite hoppy
And wrote of Okapi
He'd rounded up using his lasso.

1962. Touchy about feely

As he grasped both her cheeks in mid-hump
On his neighbor's ass, he felt a bump
He decided (for sport)
That he'd pinch that large wart
So he did.  Now his cheek has a lump.

I had an aunt who told the funniest jokes.  Here's one:
A not-too-bright man was approached by his neighbor, who said, "You SOB!  I understand you told everyone in town that my wife has a wart on her ass!"
The accused man replied, "No I didn't!!  All I said was, 'it felt like a wart.'"

PD211-212. Clean limmies from Limeys

A tone-deaf old person from Tring
When somebody asked him to sing,
Replied, "It is odd
But I cannot tell 'God
Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King.'"

'Tis said that the old Earl of Warwick
(A personage very historic)
Dismissed his physician
(A man of position)
For making him drink paregoric.

1961. It's an Oral tradition

A sleaze-ridden preacher named Mitch
Was a fucker and son of a bitch
His 'church' had no steeple
He bilked TV people
By doing so, grew filthy rich.

1960. A whole slough of problems

A drunk drove his big Harley hog
Off the road and right into a bog
Now the bike's rakish fork
Is the perch of a stork
And the tail pipe is home to a frog.
I have such fen writing my titles.  Dank you for laughing.  You readers have often fetid me and I wouldn't swamp you for anyone!

1959. And with mouth full, she couldn't talk!

There once was a brazen young chick
Who was expert at sucking your dick
Though you'd been to Redbox
She thought only of cocks
And would suck yours while you watched the flick.

1957-1958. Great film despite geography goofs

Pris'ners whistled the march, "Colonel Bogey"
Alec Guinness was cast as a fogey
Task: to link terra firma
(Ceylon subbed as Burma)
The tropical heat made crew logy.

Jack Hawkins' role was to embolden
The saboteur (played by Bill Holden)
Commandant was a jerk
Said, "Be happy in work"   (spoken at about 2:40) 
I loved when the bridge began foldin'!

"The Bridge on the River Kwai" was released in Dec. 1957.  Based on a true story, it won seven Academy Awards in 1958, including best picture.  Although the Kwai River is wholly in Thailand, the story is set in Burma (now Myanmar) and all filming was done in Ceylon (now Sri Lanka.)  Why?  Ask Columbo...

1956. What were MY odds?

Three persons are going to split
The lottery winnings, aw, shit!
Over 1 point 5 bil
Is the payoff.  I'd kill
For just eight or ten thousand of it.
I bought ten chances last night.  Each chance has six numbers ranging from 1-69.  Of the 60 numbers on my tickets, not a single fucking one matched any of the six winning numbers!  There should be a booby prize.

1954-1955. Hot (not Sugar) Rays

Mrs. Frosty had weight beyond welter
'Til the bright sunshine started to melt 'er
She slimmed and she shrank
(Her shed weight the birds drank)
Might have just as well gone to a smelter.

It's true, the sun's rays made her swelter
And, initially, made her look svelter
Jealous snow girls in shade
If not 'parked' would have paid
Her a visit in order to belt 'er!

The AWAD is 'welter' and none of the definitions addresses "Welterweight," which falls between Lightweight and Middleweight.  I wonder how that boxing weight classification got its name?  Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Leonard were each champions of it.

1953. An easy riddle

In '53, he came to power
Years later, he made Khrushchev glower
Reps and Dems were much closer
Said, "Yes, sir" and "No, sir"
(I'm writing of Dwight Eisenhower.)

1952. "I'll call you." (Yeah, right.)

Once took home a woman, a slut
Told her, "Get on all fours like a mutt"
I splattered her tuches
With hot, steaming mucous
Then said, "I hate leaving ya butt..."

1951. Ya gotta believe

Christians know there aren't problems logistical
Reaching heaven (no myth, yet it's mystical)
Once I get to Valhalla
I doubt you will follo'
But then, I am quite egotistical.
Actually, Tug McGraw didn't coin my title.  Here's the backstory.

1950. Was this hymenoperator a WASP?

A wicked virginity robber
Would find a young maiden and job 'er.
Although this was dirtful,
To make it less hurtful
He'd first have her slick him with slobber.
The term "WASP" is an acronym for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
Google "hymenoptera" if my pun doesn't resonate...

1949. Remembrance of folks passed

Days like this one (it's drizzling and gloomy)
Make me think of the dead folks who knew me
But I'm not all that sad
And, in fact, I am glad
That most all I recall were dear to me.
For that title, my chickens may come home to Proust.

PD207-210. Those Bawdy Brits

There is a young fellow from Leeds
Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds
Whenever erect.
This dermal defect
Often scares him from sowing his seeds.

A certain young man of St. Paul
Consistently practiced withdrawal
This quaint predilection
Created such friction
He soon had no foreskin at all.

There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt
And, oh my!  How I wish it were me.

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.

1948. Prodigious Player

Our house guest, who's here from San Fran,
Plays piano like very few can
But don't ask for "Layla"
He's playing a gala
For T.S.O. this night in Jan.
Our guest is Robin Sutherland, pianist with the SF Symphony, and a board member of T.S.O., the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra.  You may listen to one of the pieces he'll be playing by clicking here.

1947. He even got the room free!

Ms. Matthews, whose first name is Liesel,
Agreed to a tryst with Vin Diesel
They went to a Hyatt,
The sex was a riot;
She fucked him and sucked on his weasel.
Actress/philanthropist Liesel Matthews, née Pritzker, is heir to the Hyatt Hotel fortune.

1946. Was my birth year

I've breathed lots of air from this earth
But I've left you much more than a dearth
Life goes on, Ob-La-Di,
It is fun!  Can't you see?
And that's why I write rhymes; to give mirth.

1945. No Munster Mash for me

I haven't a fondness for cheese
Strong-smelling ones make me say, "Jeez!"
When it comes to fromage
I just say, "Quel dommage"
Will you keep it away from me, please?

1944. Cooters trump hooters

I once fucked a woman named Chloe
With tits that were perky and showy
But what I liked best
Wasn't found on her chest
'Twas her pussy (and ass, which was doughy.)

1943. Poor Play with the Pigskin

Last night was the Orange Bowl game
Sooner fans are not happy they came
We got beat by Clemson
Which caused my poor Crimson
And Cream to appear rather lame.
 
Oklahoma University is the alma mater of my wife and me.  Our Sooners led 17-16 at halftime, then got steamrolled in the 2nd half and lost 37-17.