1288. Mammoth undertaking

In Kentucky, an avid spelunker
First heads to a bar in his clunker
Asks each girl in the tavern
To come to the cavern
If one ever caves, he will funk her.

PD135. Did daddy mecca big donation?

A noisy young student, a Saudi,
Was dismissed by his tutors as rowdy.
So imagine his glee
When he got his degree
And they had to admit him Cum Laude.

1287. Shades of Marie Antoinette

There is a rich U.A.E. sheikh
Whose palace sits over a leikh
Of the highest grade oil
Which allows him to spoil
His minions by feeding them keikh.

1286. A shot in the dark

Last night in a very wet dream
A horny sex slave made me beam
I forced her to crawl up
My leg for a dollop
Of slightly-warm, freshly-made cream.

1285. Ukraine ukase

What kind of a madman is Putin?
He's rootin' and tootin' and lootin
I have no idea
Why he grabbed Crimea
But he should bug out, no disputin'.

1283-84. Two gay guys

I know a fine man born in Greeley
Whose choice in a mattress is Sealy
I really can't say
(For I'm straight and he's gay)
But in bed, I'll bet he's touchy/feely.

A homo explorer from Cush
Would often go roaming the bush
Now, you needn't ponder
What made him go wander
His quest was a mouth or tight tush.
In hopes they'd become Aswan?

1282. Ach du lieber! Bad as Bieber

That Cyrus twit, first name of Miley,
Does nothing to make me feel smiley
When I saw her twerk
I went nearly berserk --
How is it teens rate her so highly?

1281. Starch your engine

A gal franchisee (Martinizing*)
Tried to get her best customer rising
When he couldn't come through
She muttered, "Well, poo,
It's not just your shirts that need sizing."
Guess he brought his own hanger...

* A chain of laundry/dry cleaning establishments.

1280. Waterloo in Waterloo

An indolent woman from Kitchener
Spent all of her time reading Michener.
Wouldn't clean, wouldn't cook,
Worst of all, wouldn't fook,
Her husband, of course, wound up pitchin' her.
According to wikipedia -- and who could doubt that? -- the seat of government for Ontario's Regional Municipality of Waterloo is Kitchener.

1279. A bow WOW!

An Anglican priest can't stop staring
At a woman whose dress is too daring.
In fact, he believes
She's the real "Anne of Cleaves"
'Cause her décolletage is so baring.
Could the priest have been Sabine Baring-Gould? (CLICK)

1278. Teams, hell -- I can't even pick my nose

March Madness has barely begun
I had thought it would be so much fun!
But the touts can't be trusted,
My bracket is busted
So stick a fork in me, I'm done.

1277. No news is NO NEWS!

Hey, anchors, for more than twelve days ya
Have led your newscasts with "Malaysia
Airlines" and its plane
Which you still can't explain
Just drop it, i.e., get aphasia.

Malaysia Airlines' Flight 370, a Boeing 777 en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing, disappeared from radar on 3/8/14.  To date there is still no explanation of what happened to it -- yet the networks continue to begin every broadcast with "the latest news" -- which is zilch.

PD131-134. Double doses

There was a young lady from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
And she often said, "Shit,
I would give my left tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

Did you know there were two Sigmund Freuds?
One loved nymphomaniacal beuds.
But the other -- the prude --
Who wrote books that were lewd
Had his testicles insured by Lleuds.

A curious lass from Dundee
Tried two lads simultaneously.
From the fore and the aft
She was given the shaft.
Now it pains her to sit and to pee.

An hermaphrodite has all the fun!
He really is two -- though she's one!
Discontent on the shelf
He need just fuck himself
And, if pregnant, she knows who's the one!

1276. AWAD shout out and shot out

I've touted A Word A Day before in this blog.  It is a truly wonderful website and you can and should sign up BY CLICKING HERE.  Today's word -- desuetude -- was defined as "a state of disuse."  I'll try it in adjectival form:

My poor desuetudinal dick
Still longs for a pussy that's slick
But it's been so damned long
Since employing my dong
That I surely would shoot way too quick.

OP144. Couldn't Finnish what he started

There once was a man from Helsinki
Who went to the bar for a drinki
He downed many a glass
And he picked up a lass
But he couldn't give rise to his dinki.