822. Sin City, Nevada

When a bunch of bucks you have amassed,
And you want to go off on a blast,
Take advice from the sages,
Don't visit "Lost Wages"
You'll most likely wind up aghast!

821. High praise

One evening while twiddling my thumbs some
And sharing a bottle of bum's rum,
Spied a stunner!  With wit
I said "I'd eat her shit
For a mile just to see where it comes from!"

Back in the mid-'60s, another compliment of a woman's beauty was "I'd eat her on color TV with my mother watching!"

820. Wrong lips for dips

A hooker named Sheila McDuff
Stuffed tobacco inside of her muff.
When johns tried to lick her
They'd puke, then get sicker,
I guess they were not up to snuff.

OP45. Pining for prairie pussy

There once was a man from Saskatchewan
Who thought he could get all the snatch he'd want
He went to Regina
In search of vagina
But he left there without ever catching one.

819. Dashed hopes

As a University of Oklahoma graduate and fan, I was hugely disappointed with their home-field loss to Kansas State last Saturday.

Things aren't looking good for OU,
They’ll win eight or less games when they’re through.
Landry Jones is no star,
Both their lines are sub-par
And the way they play makes me say pewwww!

818. Scorching!

There once was a woman named Post,
With a twat so hot she could make toast!
A man once did enter
Her blazing hot center,
The outcome?  A quick weenie roast.

817. Just TELL us what you had for lunch

A fellow from near Sacramento
For lunch eats the cheese with pimiento.
He shouldn't get dressy
'Cause he is so messy
His shirts then display a memento.

A local TV anchor mispronounced the final word as momento last night.  Not a mementous occasion!  See comment for what I emailed her.

816. Extra embalming fluid

A weird undertaker named Goffin
Likes jumping on women and boffin'.
But once he's encamped,
It feels rather cramped
For there isn't much room in a coffin.

815. Non-prosaic sex

When husband and I want to play
And have us a roll in the hay,
I love it and show 'im
By reading a poem
From Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Lovely anapest in her name.

814. Pitcher plant

A gal with a gigantic gash
Causes men to fall in and then splash,
Swimming 'round in its goo.
(Not much else they can do.)
They are destined forever to thrash.

813. Shotgun Sam

A horny young rascal, Sam Medder,
Took a fifteen-year-old out to bed 'er.
When she started to show
Her old man found the beau
And said "You're off to jail 'less you wed 'er."

812. Surprise!

A man who was under much stress
Decided to seek a caress.
A whore on a corner
Just made him forlorner --
"She" had a dick under her dress!

OP44. More than he bargained for

A dyslexic proofreader, Miss Hyde
With a customer gladly complied
He wished to post signs
He was selling his pines
Now he thinks they should tell her she's fried.
Ed. note:  The last words of lines 4 and 5 are anagrams due to the dyslexia.  I couldn't figure out (but my brother did) that Miss Hyde had misspelled 'pines' on the signs (and she didn't write spine!)  Good one, Mr. Reddekopp!

811. Waiting...

Last week in #806 I mentioned that I had entered a limerick contest, sponsored by Tulsa's Scotfest.  The entries were supposed to have been posted on their website so people could vote, but they're still not up!  I emailed the chairman of the event with this:

Steve Campbell from Auld Aberdeen,
Wrote “Submissions have been rather lean
For limericks.”  Sent several –
Now wondering if ever I’ll
Learn who won — and was it clean?

810. What a dweeb!

The Republican candidate, Mitt,
Continues to show he's a twit.
In fact, his selection
For this fall's election
Proves GOP folks don't know shit.

809. Aurally and Orally challenged

A slightly-deaf woman (quite literally)
Asked her boyfriend "Will you lick me clitorally?"
His reply was "No way!"
She misheard him to say
"Go away" so she dumped him (quite bitterally.)

808. Two-part (dis)harmony

Today my shrink said what he thought o' me:
"Your id is a total dichotomy.
You seem schizophrenic,
Check into a clinic,
I'll schedule a frontal lobotomy."

Inspired by Dorothy Parker's quote "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."  (Also attributed to W.C. Fields and others -- no one seems to know who said it first.)

807. Load to a Grecian Urn

A bastard with money to burn
Bought an ancient and fine Grecian urn.
Since it had a small neck
He said "What the heck!"
And fucked it like pumping a churn.
Wad was he thinking to devase it like that?!

OP43. The magician

My magic shows started at six
But no one showed up, nada, nix
It was really quite tragic
So I gave up my magic
But at least I am still turning tricks.

OP42. How's his hearing?

Another beer one...

There once was a man who for years
Would always drink too many beers
They took out his bladder
But it didn't matter
He learned how to pee out his ears.

806. No apocalypse... yet

Tulsa's Scotfest is this weekend and this year's theme is "The end is beer."  They're having a limerick contest and here's one I submitted.  I'll let you know if it wins a prize.

A Glaswegian* all full of good cheer
Walks around with a sign and a leer.
Not apocalyptic
No, not even cryptic,
Instead it reads "The end is beer!"
* A denizen of Glasgow.

OP41. Bareback riding

There once was a woman from Morse
Whose lover was hung like a horse
So she is, you could say
In her own special way
An equestrian rider, of course.

OP40. A backup plan

A lesbian hooker from Nunavut
Enjoyed having sex, yes, a ton of it
And when none of the chicks
Would give her her fix
She would diddle herself for the fun of it.

805. Doesn't pay to advertise

A young hooker had lots of puissance*,
And she carried an air of insouciance.
Her red-lighted house
Made the neighbors all grouse,
Got closed down as "an attractive nuisance."

* Yes, I know, it's pronounced "pwee-SAHNZ" but it looks as if it rhymes...  :-)

804. Dessertification

An unusual woman named Whit
Tucked yellow fruit into her slit. 
Ice cream, nuts and cherry
Placed inside her hairy
Old twat made a great 'nana split!

803. ...But the flesh was weak

A moral teenager named Shrader
Heard all his mom said and obeyed 'er.
'Til arose a great chance
To get in a girl's pants:
He forgot his upbringing and laid 'er.

802. I shutter to think of it

A female photographer, Tamara,
Got mad and decided to hammer a
Big railroad spike
Which she'd found on a hike
Through the lens of her non-working camera.

801. Devil with a blue dress

Former Prez William Clinton, that orator,
Took Lewinsky aside and he tore at her.
He hadn't a rubber
Still, entered her blubber,
Got worried, withdrew, shot his spore at her.

OP39. The 2nd rule of limericks

The first rule, if you're wondering, is the rhyme scheme itself.

In a limerick, don't use a line twice
For it's lazy; just once will suffice
It's bad form, which I hate
So let me restate
In a limerick, don't use a line twice.

800. Forward and backward

This limerick won't have any smut
But perhaps you will laugh from your gut.
For when taking the pulse o'
The city called Tulsa,
Spelled backward, you'll find it's a slut.

My town also appears in the palindromic sentence (not mine):
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

OP34-38. Sunday School for grown-ups

Now that I've posted a clean one, here's another filthy one, in five verses.  I wish this was the version they taught, illustrated of course:

Mary Magdalene, alone in her tent
With a man she said was heaven-sent
And Jesus was blunt
Stuck his cock up her cunt
When she screamed "Oh God!", that's what she meant

A jealous man, Peter grew sadder
For his peter was longer and fatter
Jesus called him "the rock"
For the size of his cock
But to Mary it just didn't matter

So that is why Peter denied him
Despite all of the years spent beside him
With the Lord in the tomb
He could enter her womb
If she ever consented to ride him

Then one morning while breaking the bread
At last she agreed to give head
But then just as he feared
That's when Jesus appeared
That bastard just wouldn't stay dead

But for Peter all hope was not lost
One day all inhibitions were tossed
All who they were among
Found the gift of their tongue
On that glorious day of Pentecost.

OP33. Not appreciated in his time

What the hell, a clean one.

There once was a man, quite unbalanced,
Refining his limerick talents
A sensational poet,
And the whole world would know it,
But he can’t get the last line to rhyme.

799. Pantry problem

While wooing a girl with much ardor,
A man took her into his larder.
Said she "Stick it in!"
But to his great chagrin
He was flaccid and couldn't get harder.

798. What the deuce?

I'm watching him beat Del Potro in the US Open as I write this...

A female fan drank all the Coke of which
Belonged to that tennis man, Djokovic.
He discovered it drained
And loudly explained
"When I find her I think I will choke a bitch!"

OP32. Better with age

There once was an old man who'd dine
On pussy; he thought it divine
When some were outraged
They said "Sir, act your age!"
He replied, "I do. I'm 69!"

797. Tongue-in-groove

While tonguing his girl's yummy slit,
A guy felt the need to go shit.
She was right on the verge
So he stifled his urge
And made her come lickety-split.

An old joke goes
Q. What is the speed limit on Route 69?
A. Lickety split.

796. Liberal plank

Since the Dems are starting their convention today...
A young masturbater named Milton,
Has a dick with a habit of tiltin'
(When erect) to the left
All because he does heft
It right-handed 'til done and it's wiltin'.

795. Took home a Roma

There once was a man from Poughkeepsie
Who had an affair with a gypsy.
But she was no honey
And took all his money
By getting him totally tipsy.

794. Phyllis Diller, R.I.P.

A randy young rascal named Miller,
Always wanted to fuck Phyllis Diller.
Some 50 years later
He finally did mate 'er,
By then her appearance was "chiller."

793. And cheap, too

A woman, quite fat and uncommon,
Asked for diet advice from a shaman.
He said "Don't eat meats,
Or veggies or sweets,
Try consuming just noodles by Ramen."

792. Big downer

This one is in reference to my friend (and poster here) Mac2052...

While inspecting an old elevator,

Michael slipped on a french-fried potater.

He fell down the shaft

Which left him quite daft:

One hell of a job terminator!