858. Avast! It's a vast one

I heard of this gal, Anastasia,
With so large a cunt, it would amaze ya!
Men often would slip there
And injure a hip there
Which caused a good deal of dysplasia.

856-857. No-win situation?

One week until the election...
If you choose as your president Mitt,
You will be like an inmate in Git-
Mo, locked up in a hush room
And kept like a mushroom --
In the dark and fed nothing but shit.

If Obama you should re-elect,
Same old things will take place, I suspect.
Massive handouts won't cease,
Deficits will increase
And new bills the Repubs will reject.

855. What the H?

There once was a woman named Miles,
Who rarely, if ever, gave smiles.
For it seemed that the bitch
Had a terrible itch;
Only anal sex soothed her sore piles.

854. No joy in Mudville

Notre Dame was much tougher than thought,
Enormous, yet fast, and they fought
A bit harder than we

Plus, they played error-free --

30-13's the whipping we got.

853. Boomer Sooner!

Of our Sooners we never do tirish,
Even when situations seem dirish.
But tonight you can bet
That we won't have to sweat
As we stomp on the damned Fighting Irish!
That's crimson, not red.

852. Inscrutable

Here is an off-the-cuff limerick:
My physician is named Doctor Lesher.
His visage could use a refresher.
He is an enigmo
When using his sphygmo-
manometer for my blood pressure.

OP53. Worlds apart.

Though budget concerns may constrain us
Missions to other worlds entertain us
While some say it’s stupider
To send men to Jupiter
I’d rather go there than Uranus.

 Great limerick, Dave!!  I've never changed anything in an "OP" post, but the following deserves to appear!  Hope you don't mind... Phil.

851. Just beat it

A dirty old bachelor named Jarius
Enjoys watching porn (he's vicarious.)
He thinks it is cool
To sit loping his mule
But in fact, the scene's rather hilarious.

PD52-54. The limerick in song

Perhaps all this limerick writing has me thinking in anapæst and has affected my subconscious.  I awakened with Gershwin's "It Ain't Necessarily So" from Porgy and Bess running through my head.  Its lyrics (by brother Ira) follow the AABBA rhyme scheme.  Here are the first and last verses:

It ain't necessarily so,
It ain't necessarily so.
The things that you're liable
To read in your bible
Just ain't necessarily so.

Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
Methuselah lived nine hundred years.
But who calls that livin'
When no gal'll give in
To no man what's nine hundred years?
For the complete lyrics click this.

Beginning in the late 50's there was a black show band from North Carolina called "Doug Clark and the Hot Nuts."  They played to mostly college-age audiences throughout the south and I saw them live at least three times.  I just checked Youtube and discovered that they are still touring!  I daresay that I learned many 'classic' limericks from their rendition of  "The Limerick Song", sung to the tune of Cielito Lindo.  The chorus went

"Ai-yi-yi-yiiiii, 
In China they do it for chili.
So here comes another verse 
That's worse than the other verse 
And waltz me around by my willie."
and those were about the cleanest lyrics they sang!  Shocking stuff back then...

850. Global warming

My grass is as green as can be
And today's temp may reach 83!
I must not be sober,
Is it late October?
I'm wond'ring if winter we'll see...

849. Clothes make the man

A woman of great ill-repute
Would fuck any guy in a suit.
But those who dressed down
She dismissed with a frown
As beneath her (although some were cute.)

848. Pretend there were cell phones in 1815

Before Waterloo dealt him defeat,
Napoleon texted his sweet.
Didn't fly through the blue,
Tried again, did go through,
That was Bonaparte's final re-tweet.

845-847. C'mon baby, let's do the twist

An unusual youngster named Merle,
Took a pretty young girl for a twirl.
His appendage most male
Was just like a pig's tail --
It was shaped in a definite curl.

He succeeded her pants to unfurl,
Then unzipped, showing his priceless pearl.
Her shock was so great
There was no way she'd mate,
In fact the sight caused her to hurl!

Though at first his dick's twists seemed anoink,
She decided she would like to boink
And told him "Let's try it."
He caused a small riot
When instead of "OK!" he said "Oink!"

844. Clothes make the woman

An acid-tongued woman named Natalie
Could turn down all suitors quite cattily.
These men were attracted --
Not through how she acted --
But 'cause she was always dressed nattily.
I'm reminded of the x-dresser, Natalie Cladd.

OP52. He's a giver

There once was a fella, the owner
Of a rather obscenely large boner
He willed it to science
In perfect compliance
As a registered sex organ donor.