1832. She named him 'Sirius'*

A gal bought a golden retriever
She found none of her friends would believe 'er
When she said, "It is true
I will not let him screw
Me but damn, can that doggie lick beaver!"
* He is her dog star.

1831. Can we go already?

Somehow it's become my sad lot
To live with a woman who's not
In the least bit decisive
I yell things derisive
Like, "Shit or get off o' the pot!"

1830. Mouth-organ music

A newlywed pair, James and Jan,
Figured pleasure was just for the man
Until one evening, Jim
Tongued her clit and her quim
And she came like so few women can.

OP209. More than I bargained for

A fifty to fuck, she would claim
My bulge she'd indulge 'til I came
I wish I'd known sooner
(To borrow from Spooner)
For nude, she's a dude, a sham dame.

1829. One-hit wonder?

Many pieces by Edward MacDowell
Cause discomfort way down in the bowel
But for "To a Wild Rose"
He'd have had no new clothes
And he might have just thrown in the towel.
I probably shouldn't pooh-pooh his other works for the piano.  It's just that I've never heard any of them!

1828. Anutter problem

True story.  Picture how skimpy basketball shorts used to be.
While competing in junior high hoops
My jock strap lost one of its loops
And while I'm not tree-length
'Twas long before knee-length
Shorts.  Out drooped my dong, I said, "Oops!"

Since those short shorts are often now referred to as "nutters," I intended my title to be read as "A nutter problem.  I suppose it could also be seen as "An utter problem" besides the punned-upon "Another."

1826-1827. Vein, vain, or vane at Kane

When you're having abdominal pain
Before cat-scan, you get dye in vein
This helps them to see
Why it hurts when you pee
And insures that you won't die in vain.

I stood on my roof in the rain
Showing off my Bean clothes made in Maine
Wife yelled, "This is fright'ning!
What if there's some lightning?
I cannot believe you're so vane."

1825. Annoy boy

Old joke:
Q. What's grey and comes in quarts?
A. An elephant.  
I know of a Jew who's named Jeter
He's no "short" stop -- this guy has a peter
That's, in a word, huge
And although he's a noodge
When he comes, he shoots more than a liter.

And another:
Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: They'd look ridiculous with 6 inches.

1824. Re: OP208 (below)

Dave pooh-poohed his vic'try, but shouldn't
Ninety vied for first prize but we couldn't
Out do him.  All zealots,
But Dave's take on prelates
Meant that, as for winning, we wouldn't.

Outstanding achievement, David Reddekopp!  I have been entering Mad Kane's Limerick-offs for at least a month longer than you and have yet to garner the top prize. 

You worked in some great alliteration in lines 3 and 5, and put both alliteration AND asonance into L2 with, "priest's not policed," but the overall story, rhyme, and that final word double entendre is, imo, what won it for you.  I'm humbled, yet proud at the same time, as I think of you as a former student.  You need no further help.  Congratulations!! 

OP208. Getting off

This verse won me the latest Limerick-Off at Mad Kane's site (a first for me).  I was as surprised as anyone.

To me, it won't cease to amaze
How a priest's not policed for his ways
When he buggers boys' butts?  
Reassignment. That's nuts!
And the priest, he still preaches, and preys.

1823. Let me potty (mouth) train you

It is possible that you've not heard
Of the French word for shit; it is merde
How int'resting that
Their expression for scat
Would seemingly rhyme with our 'turd.'
But it doesn't.  They pronounce it "maird."

1818-1821. English composers

Mad Kane's weekly "limerick-offs" have been providing me lots of fodder for the past 3 months, and much enjoyment.  Last week, her theme word was "dash" and the three best competitors - Adam Stern, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin - joined me in posting some ditties on Brit composers.  Most of those "extra added attractions" didn't have the 'dash' tie in, but Ms. Kane, a former concert oboist, approved and let us keep going.  Here are just a few, with mine in black print:

   A Brit for a bit (1901-1914)
Born Aussie, the great Percy Grainger
Sailed for Frankfurt, then London, what dainger!
He needn't ask pardons
For his Country Gardens
'Cause Lincolnshire Posy was strainger.

    Another Aussie ex-pat
Arthur Benjamin's Storm Cloud Cantata
Made Doris Day scream in vibrata
I should mention in passin'
She foiled an assassin
I guess if ya gotta, ya gotta.
"Storm" was the piece being played at Albert Hall in "The Man Who Knew Too Much."

Adam Stern's next one read,
Our survey is herewith appended:
Gerard Schurmann is most recommended.
His chamber and choral
Works yield rewards aural;
The six “Bacon Studies” are splendid.

My reply was,
I didn't know nuthin' of Schurmann
But I do know that old Bernard Herrmann
Wrote much music for Hitch
With dark leitmotifs which
Labeled characters who were the vermin.

Stern came back with this:
Further to Phil’s last (and even within the bounds of this week’s contest strictures!):
The assassin in question was brash
In assuming the cymbalist’s crash
Would conceal his foul crime,
But Day’s scream forced the slime-
Bag to flee (one might say: Nalder-dash!).
(The would-be assassin in Hitchcock’s 1956 remake of  “The Man Who Knew Too Much” was portrayed by Reggie Nalder.)

My final one mentions the march writer, Kenneth J. Alford.  Colonel Bogey gained fame as the one whistled by the prisoners in the movie, "Bridge on the River Kwai."
Alford wrote Colonel Bogey (not swill)
And Art Sullivan's songs bring a thrill
I'd try one on Handel
But can't hold a candel
To Adam and Brian and Will.

1817. Study in red

At a showing of art by Matisse
I picked up a girl named Denise
Though she's riding the rag
We're proceeding to shag --
I call her my period piece.

1816. Sweet swisher*

A queer's walk is so often prancy
With language and clothes that are fancy.
Add in flair for high fashion
And lust for males' passion,
No wonder he gets called a "Nancy."
*Swisher Sweets is a brand of cheap cigars, smoked by ?

1815. Tran man

A well-endowed fellow named Curt
Liked dressing in heels, blouse and skirt
He would romance the guys
But they'd see through his lies
For his dick hung down, dragging the dirt.