2773. No foreplay OR post play

A hoops-playing husband (a creep)
Woke his wife, said, "I need to go deep."
The sex was perfunctory;
After he'd spunked her he
Rolled off and went back to sleep.

2772. Lies and Thralls

Tonight is the "State of the Union
Address."  Wonder who Trump's impugnin'?"
Prob'ly "Li'l Rocket Man,"
S**thole countries, Iran,
He's like somebody from Damon Runyon.
(OK.  YOU try rhyming 'union.')

2770-2771. It happens ova and ova

After smoking a couple of doobs
A couple then joined up their pubes.
Shot his sperm with a boom,
They swam up thru her womb
On their way to fallopian tubes.

The girl wasn't taking the pill,
Six weeks later she woke feeling ill.
Yes, due to his dickin'
Each morning she'd sicken --
Will it be a Jack or a Jill?

2769. He couldn't mecca date

A guy smitten by an Arabian
Couldn't tell her 'cause he was too fabian
He settled for scheming
And naughtily dreaming
Of licking her body parts labian.

2768. Perhaps it's improving

Television has changed its priorities,
Almost all shows now display minorities.
But when speaking of race
I don't think that's the case
At most colleges' frats and sororities.

2767. Petticoat (mal)Function

I dreamed that I had a sex tussle
With a Gay 90's gal in a bustle.
By the time I'd undressed her
And roughly caressed her
No starch remained in my love-muscle.

2766. Strange Doin's

I don't think that the actor, Charles Grodin,
Attended Maine's college called Bowdoin.
This lim'rick should teach
How it's said in our speech,
Margaret's husband rhymed also (Lord Snowdon.)

2765. Kooks with nukes

Trump's dangerous Kim Jong Un taunting
Is something the whole world finds daunting
"My button is bigger"
Could bring us to rigor
Enough of his damned dilettante-ing!

PD342-344. Tandem fandom

There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet.
Still, it would be diverting
To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.

2763-2764. I call our weatherman Walter Windchill

I'm tired of this arctic air mass
It is making me say things quite crass
Temp tonight will be eight
Way too low for my state
It's as cold as a well-digger's ass.

The fireplace is hard to get lit
Then goes out in a very short bit
Though our temp's below norm
I've been told, "It's quite warm
When compared to some old witch's tit."

2762. Bored during boring

This joke (minus the familial tie-in) inspired my limerick. I've heard that incest is all relative...

A hillbilly father takes his 12-yr-old daughter to the doctor.
Doctor: "Is she sexually active?"
Hillbilly: "Nah, she just lies there like her ma."  

I hate when a girl lies there glumly
Never wiggling, just taking it numbly.
If not kinesthetic
It's rather pathetic;
Thru effort, she might become comely.

2761. A brrrrrr under my saddle

I've been staying inside, feeling funky
Eating foods that most folks would call 'junky.'
This cold from the Arctic
I don't find cathartic,
Could freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

2760. Exactly WHAT is the last straw?

Let's send Trump to the French Foreign Legion,
To some Carib or African region.
"Make America Great!," he
Says, "No one from Haiti,
Our immigrants should be Norwegian."
  As also reported on the 6:00 pm news today

2759. Keeping in practice

Thought I'd try versifying a few toughies.
A soprano (a coloratura)
Went to dinner and ate shrimp tempura.
But she was allergic,
It made her regurgic,
Got filmed by a camera obscura.

2756-2758. The ABC's of beaches

The last time I went to Aruba
I napped before going to scuba.
When I woke from my dream
I was drenched from my cream,
I'd been visited by a succuba!

On a nude beach somewhere in Bonaire
I spied a fine, free-hanging pair.
But my eyes quickly chased
To that place 'neath her waist
Which was outlined by closely-mown hair.

Rhyming verses may still be my tao
For I feel that I kinda know hao
To find words that all match
And this small Carib batch
Must by all means include Curaçao.

2755. Substitute orthography

Since "ph" has the same sound as "f"
You could spell words like "phake," "phish," or "cleph."
Just for phun, try it phast
(But don't do it halph-assed)
And at games, picture this: "Phuck the reph!"
   Phrom your old phriend, Phil

OP526. Cure for colds and flu

Do you suffer from colds or the flu?
Then, here is what you ought to do:
ACV, honey too
In a hot water brew
In a cup, drink each hour (tried and true!)

ACV=apple cider vinegar
I've been doing it and preaching it for 27 years, and scores of people swear by it, and my brats had the best attendance record at school.
Day 1 - Drink this every waking hour, whenever possible
Day 2 - You feel a lot better than before
Day 3 - Your cold/flu is almost gone or totally gone
Day 4 and 5 - Keep drinking (even after you feel better) to prevent a bug revival

-don't boil or microwave the water
-ACV and honey work best if you buy them unpasteurized and unfiltered; use a spoonful of each per cup of water (teaspoon to start)
-if you dislike the taste, add a little more honey
-to avoid the repetitive hassle of heating water every hour, keep a big pot of water on the stove at low heat all day and scoop out a cup each time; if you leave the house, use one or two filled thermos bottles to take with
-stay away from drugs in the meantime; some drugs may hide the nasty symptoms but not get at the root cause of illness; this homebrew does both
-doctors have not been taught this at med school, so don't expect their positive feedback
-the ACV (which has 17 nutrients by the way) cleans out your blood and the honey is excellent for the lungs
-even when you are not sick, drinking one cup of this brew daily is a preventive against colds/flu (even bronchitis, which was what I had when first taking this remedy); it has healing properties to fight many other ailments such as arthritis, most digestive problems, low energy, etc.
-the only way to find out if this really works is to DO IT
-side effects include spending half your life in the bathroom (to go pee) but that's a small price to pay for feeling and being healthy

Cheers!

OP525. Confessions of a workaholic

I had just worked a twelve-hour shift
And it gave my work ethics a lift
But the bones in me ache
Give me youth for Pete's sake!
That, for me, would sure make a great gift!

OP524. Those who indulge, bulge

I believe I am gaining some weight
I think chocolate's to blame, ain't it great?
I don't think it's from greed
Or some other misdeed
It ain't something I need to debate.

OP523. There's nothing better than homemade

Drinking hard stuff could be rather risky
And too much just might make you too frisky.
I make homemade drinks seem
Like the ultimate dream
Bailey's (yum!) Irish Cream - just add whisky!

I make my own Irish cream, and the ingredients cost me only 10% of the cost of the same amount in a store-bought bottle, not counting the alcohol - you can regulate the amount of booze that goes in, and still keep your homemade product dirt cheap. Here are the ingredients I use to prepare the mixture: condensed milk, liquid whipping cream, 2% milk, cocoa powder, instant coffee granules, sugar, vanilla extract, lemon juice, and egg yolks.

OP521-522. Scratch that idea

I decided that I'd take a chance

In an effort to try to enhance

The amount of good cheer

To ring in the new year

I put mistletoe into my pants

Though my actions were bold and quite brash

No one noticed or batted a lash

So all I had to show

From that damn mistletoe

Was a rather embarrassing rash.

OP520. Damn that nonstop hamster wheel

Oh my back hurts, I feel like a gimp!
I'll keep working because I'm no wimp.
I'll just go off to work
With a twist and a jerk
And a frown and a smirk and a limp.

PD335-341. Places, anyone?

There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
He had such a tool
It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.

There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wedding
It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.

There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, Doric.

There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned it into a brick
And it rubbed all his foreskin away.

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his efforts to mutter,
"If her Bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."

There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier.
Once a prince from Peru
Who'd come up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There once was a maid from Mobile
Whose pussy was made of blue steel.
She only got thrills
From those pneumatic drills
And an off-centered emery wheel.

OP517-519. Have a happier new year

Well, I'm back like I said that I would
Can't stay 'way from the old neighborhood.
So is everyone
Ready now for some fun?
You're all suckers for punishment (good!)

Get your engines a roarin' and revvin'
As we zoom out of twenty/one-seven.
Hope your twenty-eighteen
Is more kind and less mean
And the best year you've seen, more like heaven!

Have a happier year than the last
You don't need one more blast from the past
Without being too stealthy,
I hope you get wealthy,
Become much more healthy real fast!