PD240-247. The long and the short of it

There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose equipment was simply immense
It took forty-four draymen,
A priest and three laymen
To carry it thither and thence.

A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish."

A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
"'He's the Scourge from the East,
 That lascivious beast
And is known as Attila the Hung!"

There was a young man from Berlin
Whose tool was the size of a pin
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his shaft,
"Well, this won't be much of a sin."

There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
His wife found she needed
A Fuckoscope---she did---
To see if he'd gotten it in.

There was a young Turkish cadet --
And this is the damnedest one yet --
His dick was so long
And incredibly strong
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

An unfortunate fellow named Hall
Confessed, "I have only one ball
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick
For the girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose dick was exceedingly nimble
But so fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
He kept it encased in a thimble.

2184. Did a homo phone?

A gay climber got his first peek
At Denali, Alaska's huge peak
But his effort to scale
Ended up "epic fail"
So he left in a bad fit of pique.

2183. Sledding onward

Hil's the nominee, Prez she may gain!
Husband Bill uttered, "I feel your pain."
Liz Warren got shafted
'Cause Ms. Clinton drafted
That Tim guy -- her Citizen Kaine.
If you've seen the movie, my title makes sense.

OP338. Just following orders

Based off of another joke I heard.  Songs are linked.

They played "Jump", and I jumped.  What a scene!
Then "The Twist", and I twisted.  It's been
Quite an evening, no doubt
But I then was thrown out
When the DJ played "Come on Eileen."

2182. Shoulda called it a morn

After spending the whole night a'shaggin'
A hooker's poor ass was a'draggin'
She solicited one more
But should have said, "Done," for
That cop called the damned paddy wagon.
So she never got the undercover under cover.

OP327-337. Happy Anniversary to the Show it Blow it Know it Poet

The following is a response to Phil's limericks below titled "Five years down, ?? to go"
So read that one first, will ya?

Congratulations are in order
Yes, from 'Technotard,' north of the border
You limerick fox
If lims came in a box
My whole place would look like I'm a hoarder.

It was nine months since our paths had crossed
On a site where the 'spill' word was tossed
Back and forth, in October
(I'm sure I was sober)
A bond of goodwill was not lost.

A click of the mouse on your name
Led me to a strange site which became
A curious place
Where I'd blush in the face
And my brain cells were all set aflame.

Some verses were shocking, worth scorning
At least, the red ink gave me warning
But your pun 'expertease'
Was a thing sure to please
What a way to begin every morning!

And then there's your sidekick named Dave
A prairie Canuck who's quite brave
His talent just soars
And blends so well with yours
I just read, as I rant and I rave.

Some readers - rejective, selective
Don't see from another perspective
For if they'd be aware it
Has artistic merit
They'd not be so blindly corrective.

Nothing worse than bein' stuck with a prude
To dampen and ruin the mood
But you're crazy, lighthearted
I know if I farted
You'd laugh and blame that on my food.

Was I worthy to join, more or less?
Wasn't sure if I failed to impress
When you didn't yet budge
Then a nice gentle nudge
From Dave swayed final judgment to 'Yes'!

My vocab'lary increase just forces
My IQ to grow (I've my sources)
And lo and behold
I got smarter, I'm told
They don't know I've 'enrolled' in your 'courses'!

When I thought that your content disgraced you
It gave me such joy to lambaste you
Shut you down? Never would!
As I soon understood
That no other nut could have replaced you.

If you keep up momentum and drive
Then your blog will just thrive, stay alive
So clever, so funny
Prolifically punny
Testost'rone - let spill
On your lim'rick zone, Phil
Happy milestone of year number five!

2174-2181. Five years down, ?? to go

I started my blog on this date
Didn't have all that much on my plate
Most lims found at Reddit™
Did not deserve credit
I hoped my new site would be great.

Began posting these lines in '11
Tried to int'rest my oldest child, Kevin,
In reading and vetting;
He thought I was getting
Too filthy as I tried to leaven

The spirits of folks who might read
Those printed in red, which could lead
To familial shame.
Have I brought the Graham name
To the depths?  Was I wrong not to heed?

Could be, but 2,000+ later
I'd like to think I've made 'Graham' greater
By bringing some joy
To each girl and each boy
Who laughs when I write like a satyr.

But, hey!  I post clean ones as well
They're in black print; that way you can tell
Those which will not offend ---
Ones you might even send
To your preacher and not go to hell.

Five long years, but I'd do it again
Hope my lines, red and black, made you grin
The puns that I've pasted
May seem like "time wasted"
(At least written with, not from pen!)

As today I commence some more years
And try to deserve readers' cheers
Don't feel nickeled and dimed,
Surely I've not yet rhymed
Every word that I've heard with my ears

I can't sing like Mario Lanza
I'm no X-dresser -- won't wear organza
But I hope you will say,
"That Phil has a way
With writing a limerick stanza."

2173. 69+ on I-70.

Two horny young gals and a male
Stopped and parked their car goin' to Vail
They had 'em a 3-way
Out there by the freeway
Which landed their asses in jail.

2172. Insect inside

My youngest, a very nice daughter,
Found a bug floating in her ice water
Her house was infested
And so she invested
In cans of Raid™ and a fly swatter.

OP323-326. David, save us some cake!

I like the icing; Phil will eat what's inside.

Happy birthday there, Dave, birthday boy!
You deserve something more than a toy
A girl jumps out your cake
With big boobs that ain't fake
Wearing just a smile, bringing you joy!

I know this might sound kinda funny
But I wish you a big pile of money
You ought to get more
Like a knock at your door
By a stark naked hot Playboy bunny

I would gladly help out (yes, I'm bold)
But I think that I may be too old
So just don't you pout
If you're doing without.
Look at me, an old maid growing mold.

Gettin' laid is what you should be plottin'
By a nymph that is just hot to trottin'
Oh I know that it is
Simply none of my biz
Either way, I hope you get spoiled rotten!

2171. "Come back with condoms, you jerk!"

Unprotected, they fucked doggy-style
Man pulled early (they wanted no chile')
As he splattered his cum
On the sheets and her bum
He remarked, "I'll be back in a while."

2169-2170. AWAD toughies

The final word in each of these was featured this past week.
LBJ, as he sat at his desk,
Felt too old for a swift arabesque
He was feeling so bleak
Wrote a speech: "I'll not seek
Nomination" --- an act Shermanesque.

Golfers have to contend with their duff'rage
While sailboats won't move when there's luff'rage
But elections run better
Since we took the fetter
Off women by granting them suffrage.

I don't think suffrage has any true rhymes.  When that happens, you improvise.  If Ogden could do it...

2168. Hank Yank

A horny young voyeur named Bauer*
Had a neighbor he dreamed he'd deflower
At her window, he'd jack
While he peeked through a crack
In the blinds as she undressed to shower.

*Hank Bauer played for the NY Yankees in the 50's and 60's.  Take my title either way!

2167. Causing a spat?

There once was a food judge named Muriel
Whose temper you'd label "mercurial."
If she disliked a bite
She'd expel it in spite
When judging events epicurial.

OP322. Caesar teaser, or, Antony Averse

There is a resemblance between the fictionalized oration delivered in Rome on March 15, 44 B.C., and the work of fiction uttered by U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz in Cleveland, Ohio, this evening.  In each case the speaker was forbidden to openly denigrate the Powers-that-Be.  Could Cruz similarly turn the tables using the rhetorical irony of Marc Antony?

Here’s how “Lying Ted” Cruz hatched a plan
To tonight flout the “Bash Donald” ban.
     He’ll rely on The Bard
     To provide this petard:
“Liar says, ‘Trump’s an hon’rable man.’”

“Brush up your Shakespeare” (but don’t Kiss Me, Caitlyn) by reviewing Antony’s clever elegy from Julius Caesar, Act III, scene ii, lines 79-113.