1205. I'm surlier earlier

I don't think 'Black Friday' is supposed to refer to my mood, but it usually does.
My neighbors have put up their lights
They're gaudy and ruin nice nights
Do I not remember
The 10th of December
As start date for neighborhood blights?

PD107-110. The great outdoors

To her groundsman complained Lady Bliss,
"I suspect that there’s something amiss.
These drooping hydrangeas
Were praised once by strangers.
Carruthers, I know where you piss!"

Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade
"Shit surely will bio-degrade
Since I've no indoor plumbing
When a crap is a-coming
I head for the woods with a spade."

While whizzing on deck, an old boatswain
Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
It snapped at the shank,
And it fell off and sank
In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.

When Theocritus guarded his flock
He piped in the shade of a rock.
It is said that his Muse
Was one of the ewes
With a bum like a pink hollyhock.

1204. Non-traditional (and non-true)

It's Thanksgiving Day, I feel quirky
I've decided to bypass the turkey
I'll eat dressing and gravy,
Enough for a navy
But as for meat, I'll have beef jerky.

1203. 3-2-1... Contacts!

As he stroked to a mag of nude lasses
A teen's mother walked in, gave him sasses:
"Besides rotting your mind,
You're gonna go blind!"
Kid:  "May I do it 'til I need glasses?"
More and more I'm resorting to writing limericks with punch lines from hoary jokes.  Does my lack of originality indicate that it's time I quit?

1202. Look, Ma! No hands!

A virile young Hebrew named Lehman
Delights in his nocturnal dreamin'
He sometimes will wake
With his putz in a lake
Of freshly-deposited semen.

PD104-106. A clutch of clean classics

A Chicago meat packer named Young
One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
Put his wife's ma, unseen,
In a sausage machine
And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”

Cinderella (so called 'cause she's sootiful),
To her stepmother always was dutiful.
She went to the ball,
Let her glass slipper fall,
Now a sole-kissing prince thinks she's beautiful.

A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ”Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still do have each other.” 

1201. Non-appealing feeling

There once was a young haberdasher
Whom the girls all considered a masher.
"I don't care how you're dressed,
Get your hand off my breast"
Said one, dashing his chances to gash 'er.

1200. Uncommon commentator

The comic named Steven Colbert
Will say anything on a dert
Politicians discordant
Get comments quite mordant
Thank God, censors don't seem to cert.

1199. Menorahty rules

Yesterday, I again received the email that's been going around for several years re: The Washington Post limerick contest requiring that "Lewinsky and Kaczinsky both be included.  While it was at least the fifteenth time I'd received it, it did inspire this

Bill Clinton liked using his Konica
To take pics of Jewish slut Monica
He'd snap her undressing,
Then kneeling and blessing
His pecker (just not during Hannukah.)
I'm guessing she did do it during Nosh Hashanah...

1198. Name that book

A Texas man, well-known for quipping,
Found his date on the rag, she was dripping.
He said with a quiver,
"I'll wade the Red River
But I ain't about to try sipping."

I thought I remembered the line, "I'll wade in the Red River but I won't drink from it" as being from Semi-Tough.  However, a (specious?) Google search yielded North Dallas Forty as the source.  Comment if you know for sure.

1197. Big buildup for a mediocre limmie

Robin Sutherland, Principal Pianist with the San Francisco Symphony, has been mentioned herein several times.  We are friends and besides his being an excellent musician he's one of the cleverest people I know.  In a recent email he wrote, "The symphony is rehearsing Benjamin Britten's War Requiem, or, as I like to call it, 'The Dead Person's Guide to the Orchestra'..." 

(For you non-musicians, one of Britten's most famous works is "The Young Person's Guide to the Orchestra.")  Anyway,

Of composer Ben, much has been written
(I refer to Sir Benjamin Britten)
Robin's "Dead Person's Guide"
Made me laugh 'til I cried
His humor's again left me smitten.

If you'd like to hear some of Robin's fine and sensitive playing, CLICK HERE.

1196. Stalling for time

There is a young asshole named Acker
Who at work is a consummate slacker
Given some task to do
He heads off to the loo
And plays with his small tallywhacker.

1195. The rabbit died!

My daughter and son-in-law recently notified us that "they" are pregnant.
Next May, first-time grandpa I'll be!
So I'm walking to strengthen my knee.
I've heard, "When you dandle
Naught else holds a candle
And you will be filled with great glee!"

1194. This is a stretch

A Michigan man who's named Monson
Possesses the world's longest Johnson
He gets hard in Detroit
To fuck girls in Beloit --
A city in southern Wisconsin.

1193. Apologies for The Inquisition, et. al.

In much of the world, there's a prevalence
Of Catholics doing benevolence
Guess they want to atone
For when they did condone
Converting "the lost" through malevolence.
I'll be having some surgery done in a few weeks and am thankful that Tulsa has not one, but two large and excellent (Catholic) hospitals -- St. John where my two kids were born and St. Francis (where I'll be having a couple of kidney 'boulders' removed.)