992. Mother Goose is turning in her grave

To a girl nicknamed 'Pumpkin', a tweeter,
Replied Peter that he'd like to meet 'er.
They hooked up real soon
And his tongue made her swoon.
His name now includes 'Pumpkin eater.'

991. Devilish doings

A Wiccan who wanted some lovin'
Chose a strapping young man from her coven.
He used no protection
On his big erection,
She now has a bun in the oven.

989-990. Investigative native

There is a young sleuth from New Guinea,
Undernourished and terribly skinny.
He's shaped like a rail
And his weight it does fail
To come up to a buck and a penny.

Though sometimes he's not law-abiding
(Which makes the police give him chiding),
With his slender physique
It is easy to sneak --
He can use any phone pole for hiding!

In baseball, money is sometimes used to describe a low batting average.  For example, "He's only hitting a buck seventy five" means his average is .175, so this guy weighs under 101.

OP97. Taking on all comers

There once was a woman named Julie
Whose sex drive was really unruly
By the bold and the nervous
Her cervix got service
She would have sex with anyone. Truly.

988. One flame below, one above

A man up in old Saskatoon
Tried to fuck in a hot-air balloon.
The heat of the gas
Really reddened his ass
Which made him look like a baboon.

I don't know about Dave Reddekopp but I'm now Canada dry.

OP96. Nothing down under

This was one of my first ever:

I reckon it's time I regale ya
With a tale of a man from Australia
He cheated on his wife
So she took out her knife
And she left him without genitalia.

987. Maybe that was just Charlton Heston

There once was a Hebrew named Moses
In death, short of Canaan, he dozes.
Appointed God's Advoc-
ate, created havoc
By using his outstretched-arm poses.

OP90-95. O Canada!

Okay, I'll finish this cross country tour off:

There once was a man, an Albertan
Who'd be found sitting at the bar, flirtin'
With a girl who walked by
But this angered her guy
Every bone in his body's now hurtin'.

Alberta.  This one wasn't even dirty.

There once was a man from Laval
Who was trying to screw with his gal
But when under her hood
He wasn't so good
She said "dans le lit, vous etes tres mal."

Quebec.  She's saying he's bad in bed.

There once was a Muslim, a Newfie
Not Sunni, not Shiite, but Sufi
And although his religion
Was against this decision
He still slipped his girlfriend a roofie.

Newfoundland.  And see, I don't only pick on the Christians.

There once was a man from Halifax
Whose girlfriend was a very cute gal, in fact
But her bottom drawer can
Make him feel less a man
She said "yes, all my toys are phallic, Max."

Nova Scotia down.  So is he, I bet.

I know a young girl from New Brunswick
Who is not satisfied with just one dick
She's not happy until
There's no hole left to fill
And what happens from there makes the nuns sick.

New Brunswick, of course.

I know a man, he's PEI's
He buys the girls drinks, tells them lies
But they laugh out of shock
When they look at his cock
Like his province, long name, but small size.

Prince Edward Island, the tiniest province in Canada.

And that's all of them.

986. At least he won't die of a stroke

A very strong-moraled old reprobate
Amazingly, won't ever masturbate.
He's steadfastly refusing
To try self-abusing --
That's odd 'cause his sex life is second rate.

985. Party pooper

An Indian mogul named Peeyat
Gave all of his orders by fiat.
"No premarital sex"
Put a definite hex
On teens' fun, they remarked, "Where's the glee at?"

984. Presto change-o

A one-time girl friend of Dave Feherty's
Wouldn't fuck, so he slipped her cantharides.
When the bitch got the twitch
From the Spanish Fly's itch,
She was crazed like Ophelia and Laertes.

Feherty is a former pro golfer who does hilarious golf commentaries and interviews.  Ophelia and her brother, Laertes, were both mad characters in Hamlet.

983. The oval orifice

A pharmacist named Scaramouche
Had a wife who knew not how to douche.
He concocted a mixture
And drew her a picture
Which looked somewhat like a cartouche.

982. Come here often? What's your sign?

There once was a dissipate bastard
Who bar-hopped for gals who were plastered.
But he was a lemon
At hitting on women,
Good pickup lines he never mastered.

OP89. Last one-night stand

Continuing with my series on the Great White North (and it is very white these days):

There once was a man from Yellowknife
Who slept with another man's mellow wife.
Her hubby, he sought him
Took aim, then he shot him
And took the promiscuous fellow's life.

I have Alberta, Quebec and the Maritime provinces to go...

OP88. Inverse, perverse, and in verse

Well, I've decided to cover every province and territory in Canada on here.  Hello, Manitoba.

There once was a man from Winnipeg
Who got caught with his dick in a mini-keg
He felt so perverted
His penis inverted
His outie peg now is an innie peg.