628. Plagiarized from Allan Sherman

Sherman was a Jewish comedian who won the 1964 Comedy Recording Grammy for "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah."  He was well-known for parodying famous songs by adding humorous lyrics.  This limerick was inspired by his skewering of Torna a Surriento (Come back to Sorrento.)  Hear it on youtube-- it starts about 26:20.

A mopey old fellow named Marcus,
Would dress up when things looked the darkes'.
He'd wear his best suit
And a tie that was cute --
Felt good by adorning his carcass.

626-627. Whatever works

There once was a maiden named Hannah,
Who couldn't attract any man.  A
Dildo which she used
(One might say she abused)
Was a large and quite unripe banana!

The bi-sexual actress, Anne Heche,
Does things frowned on in old Marrakech.
Ellen got her in bed,
Then twice Annie got wed,
Guess all comers are welcome to mesh.

OP25. Thiamine is a boy's best friend...

A malnourished fellow from Nottingham
Was named Barry Barry--a tautonym.
   Since B1 was off in his
   Food, an homophonous
Plight (beriberi) was fraught in him.

March is National Nutrition Month, so I wanted to hurry to post this one before it is over. Readers concerned about the pronunciation of Nottingham are referred to the Comment section. Brave blog viewers who wish to examine a diet suggested by The Limericist should see his Post #568 of February 24.

625. Berlin Boy

Albrecht Mayer has been principal oboist of the Berlin Philharmonic for 20+ years and also appears as soloist with the world's major orchestras.

Herr Mayer whose first name is Albrecht,
Just never plays anything suspecht.
In fact, he's so good
Any oboist should
n't, but sometimes must feel like a rejecht.

623-624. With and without

An athletic man from Zimbabwe,
Jacked off in a very odd-job way.
Used his foot, not his hand
To massage his big gland,
Then used scales to find "What did this gob weigh?"

A battle-worn Scotsman named Doonoch,
For a shirt wears a loose-fitting tunic.
'Neath his kilt nothing swings
For he's missing his "things",
A mortar shell made him a eunuch.

621-622. Dalliances

There once was a woman, Ms. Chester,
Who worked as a new mattress tester.
One night to the store
Brought a man, played the whore
And the cops had to come and arrest her.

There once was a husband named Mort,
Who liked to go out and cavort.
When he would get back
And request a late snack
"Go to hell!" was the angry retort.

620. Archaic last word

A fellow named Bull one day crept
Through a china shop, but was inept.
He knocked off a dish
And two hand-blown glass fish,
I'd say he was aptly yclept.

618-619. Light and dark

A white married couple named Groom,
Had a baby pop out of the womb.
But alas and alack,
The infant is black,
So tell me now, who's fucking whom?

Maybe this guy was involved...
A black braggart, Tyrone Larturious,
Makes claims which seem awfully curious.
"I has two Ph.D.s"
And "These heah's my yacht keys"
Are just two that have proved to be spurious.

617. Up on the house top

Our nice home has many a board,
And a feature that can't be ignored.
On top, there's a cupola
Installed with much hoopola,
We named it, of course, "Francis Ford."

615-616. Clerking

A husband went shopping, was harried,
At checkout, two items (hand-carried.)
Clerk asked "Want a bag?"
He replied without lag,
"No, thank you.  I'm already married." 

And why is Deborah Kerr pronounced 'car'? 
A British girl worked as a clerk,
And after work, liked to go park.
If you'd get her real hot
She would fuck on the spot
But your car windows had to be dark.

614. Dream boy

There once was a man named McDish,
Who each night went to bed with one wish --
For a man, big and strong,
To come wand'ring along.
McDish (you have gathered) was swish.

611-613. I auto be ashamed

A Milquetoasty fellow named Meckless,
Drove and used his cell phone (is that reckless?)
It got him arrested,
He could have protested
But Meckless was totally feckless. 

A show-offy rascal avowed he
"Might drive fast, but I'm never rowdy."
Test-drove to determine
Which fine auto German
To purchase -- Mercedes or Audi? 

A not-very-careful guy, Ardytch,
Drove an out-of-alignment old car which
Just wouldn't go where
He would aim it, and there
Fore he often wound up in a bar ditch.

Here in the American southwest, "bar ditches" are the channels on either side of a road and running parallel to it.   They collect rainwater runoff and are typically about 4'-5' wide and 2'-3' deep.  I had always wondered about the name and inquired of my British cousin if she were familiar with the term and its origins.

She was and said "You see, the highway must be above the surrounding land so as not to flood.  To make it "high", the road-builders "borrow" earth from beside it, leaving behind the "borrow" ditch."  (It sounds as if our "bar" is just twang for 'borrow'!)

610. We be jammin'

There once was a man named Monroe,
Who had a disease of the toe.
He got it from focking
His wife with no stocking
(Unusual, as fetishes go.)

609. A G&S mess

This is my first foray into Gilbert and Sullivan land.  May not be my last.  Should it be?

A G&S song called "Tit Willow",
Like most of their stuff is quite sillow.
Sung in The Mikado
Without much bravado
Still, caused their bank balance to billow.

607-608. Hookers

A street-walking woman named Bolling,
Each night hits the sidewalks for strolling.
She will pick up some guys
Who she'll let 'tween her thighs --
In vernacular, she goes out "trolling."

There is an odd bastard named Hugh,
'Bout women, he hasn't a clugh.
Although he has paid
Two or three to get laid,
He still doesn't know how to scrugh.