580. Insult to injury

I have been a subscriber to A Word A Day (AWAD) for over ten years.  You may click that link to sign up for free (it is wonderful!)  Today's word (cuckold) inspired this:

A man whose wife made him a cuckold,

Found out from a friend -- his knees buckled!

That night, did confront

His wife, but the cunt

Just spit in his eye and then chuckled.

578-579. Words not much heard

My father-in-law used some delightful expressions.  In each limerick, the final word was a favorite of his.

   Graham Kerr, maybe? 
A chef who was great at preparapin',
The soup made of meat from a terrapin,
Used triple the sherry.
This made diners merry
And led some to say "That was larrupin'!

Enamored of ancient Egyptians,
A man would decipher inscriptions
Found in long-buried tombs
Having hundreds of rooms.
When they stumped him, it gave him conniptions.

576-577. Frigid vs. Rigid

There is a meek maiden named Miriam,
Who suffers from bouts of delirium.
She thinks that all guys
Will try spreading her thighs,
Consequently, she will not go nearium.

A horny old bastard named Mason,
Was constantly pussy a'chasin'.
He never could catch
Any willing young snatch,
But his motor was always a'racin'.

575. Should I have written in red?

A dumb twenty-something named Tommy,
Still lived with his daddy and mommy.
His folks were left-leaning
And with some deft weaning
They moved him out -- now he's a commie.

574. Next to legalize?

A Maryland fellow named Gary,
Is proud to admit he's a fairy.
Likes sucking and anal
(He finds neither banal.)
Soon, he may be able to marry.
The preferred pronunciation is baNALL but I needed it to rhyme.

572-573. Cheers and Ottomans

   Clap if you like...
A Turkish math man, Ali Ulger,
Once had an affair with a Bulgar.
While there in Sophia
He caught gonorrhea.
The things he then said were quite vulgar.
  Mr. Ulger is real (but my story isn't.)

There once was a fellow named Burke,
Who set up a date with a Turk.
When the door she did answer
This hot belly dancer
Appeared wearing only a smirk.

569-571. Whazzup in the 'hood?

There once was a fellow named Russell,
Who got in a neighborhood tussle.
Let his lawn go unmowed
So the guy next door showed
Him the punch of his big bicep muscle.

  Neither snow nor rain...?
A man who delivered the mail,
On weather days often would fail
To make rounds appointed.
This got him annointed
"The postman most likely to bail."

A picky old codger named Beck,
Was really a pain in the neck.
When you'd wash his windows
He'd cast innuendos
If you left the tiniest speck.

568. Unsemen behavior

A man who had much erudition,
Told women his sperm gave nutrition.
But most would just scoff
And would not suck him off
So his scam rarely came to fruition.

567. Long time coming

There once was a native of Haiti,
Who was celebate up until eighty.
He finally got laid
By an ugly old maid
And said "Wow!  That was well-worth the waiti!"

563-566. More composers

As a pianist, dear Fréd'ric Chopin,
Was certainly no also-ran.
I enjoy a prelude,
A nocturne or etude
While supping upon coq au vin.

The Norwegian composer named Grieg,
Should be shined on by lights known as Klieg.
His concerto (A minor)
Could hardly be finer,
And Peer Gynt is in its own league.

That marvelous man, Aaron Copland,
Wrote works that can lift us from mope land.
They never are boring,
Send spirits a-soaring
And leave us in all-full-of-hope land!

Saint-Saëns, whose first name was Camille,
Composed many works with great feel.
The fact that The Swan
Sort of rhymes with Saint-Saëns
Makes me want to say "Hey, what's the deal?"

562. San Quentin Quail

A twenty-year-old guy named Taylor,
Took a high school girl parking to nail her.
But she wasn't of age
And her folks, in their rage
Called the cops.  Taylor now has a jailer.

Is that title line still used to describe an under-sixteen girl?

561. How many clams is it?

Pismo Beach, CA is famous for its Pismo clams.
A man from that Cal town called Pismo,
Put his house up for sale as a FISBO.*
He got in a fight
With a buyer one night
Just to prove he was very machismo.

  * Realtor lingo for "For Sale By Owner."

560. Poling his gal

An adventurous rascal named Lamech,
Lived up near Detroit in Hamtramck.
He once had a screw
In a birchbark canoe
And he then said "Let's go try a hammock!"
Hamtramck, MI (pronounced hamTRAMick) is a Polish neighborhood, thus my title.
Tennis enthusiasts may remember it as the hometown of two great (if fruity) junior girls named Peaches and Plums Bartkowicz in the 1960s.

559. Driving Miss (crazy)

A beer-drinking woman named Susan,
Would get in her car and go cruisin'.
The cops did restrain her
For "Open Container"
And driving an auto while boozin'.

558. Just as I feared

I've stooped to plagiarizing Edward Lear, or at least being influenced by him, to wit:
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said 'It is just as I feared! -
     Two Owls and a Hen,
     Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

Here's mine:
There once was a man, very queer,
Who had shoved many things in his rear --
A pencil, a glove,
A shoe horn, a dove,
And a cold longneck bottle of beer.