309-311. Boo! (Hoping that's not your reaction)

I guess because it's Hallowe'en,
You'd like one that's darkly obscene.
But other than "witches"
To match up with "bitches"
All other rhymes seem to be clean.

But here's one that's fairly macabre,
'Bout a man who'd go out and grave robre.
He'd sneak home a stiff,
Fuck its bum or its quiff,
And pry open its mouth with his knobre.

There once was a weird country bumpkin
Who would stick his prick into a pumpkin.
Such aberrant deeds
Left his rod smeared with seeds.
He was horny, or crazy, or sumpkin.

And here is my favorite seasonal joke:

A man received an invitation to a Hallowe'en costume party.  He had over a month to come up with the perfect costume and decided to mail-order one.  He wrote to the Acme Costume Company:
Dear Sirs,
I am in need of a Hallowe'en costume.  I have two physical drawbacks -- a bald head and a wooden leg -- and I hate fielding questions like "how did you lose your leg?" or "how did you lose all your hair."  Therefore, please make sure that the costume you send hides my problems.

A week later he received a large package in the mail and a cover letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed, please find a Pirate Costume -- earring, eyepatch, sword, pants, shirt, and bandana.  Wrap the bandana around your head, disguising the fact that you are bald.  With your wooden leg, you will be perfect as a pirate!

Distressed that the company had only taken care of one of his problems, he sent the costume back with this letter:
Dear Sirs.
You completely ignored the fact that I need my wooden leg hidden!  Please replace the Pirate Costume with something else that takes care of both my drawbacks.

Another week went by and he got another large package.  The cover letter read:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the mixup.  Enclosed, please find a Monk Costume.  Its length will completely hide your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you'll make a great monk!

Now the man was really angry.  He wrote back, cussing them out, calling them idiots, and demanding that they send something that disguised both his physical disabilities.

After another week, he received a very small package and a postcard:
Sir,
Enclosed, find a jar of molasses.  Pour the molasses over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple.

308. Excitation by vibration

A fellow whose name is Mike George
Has a washing machine made by Norge.
When it hits the spin cycle
The dick of our Michael
Rests on it to quickly engorge.

307. Out-of-style cravats

A bad business woman named Sara
Tried hard to supplant Countess Mara
At designing men's ties,
But the ones she'd devise
Looked as if they were from a past era.

306. Spots and dots

A bass violinist named Facci
Had a bow that became very splacci.
Purchased one that was new,
Then the old one he threw
In the fire of his flaming hibacci.

305. A new STD

A man who engaged in debauchery
One day found his dick was all splotchery.
What's worse, the poor gent
Became incontinent,
Which oft left him wet in the crotchery.

304. Eraicin the capsaicin

A fellow who thought he was macho
Burned his mouth on a ghost pepper nacho.
The thing was so hot
That he drank a full pot
Of the restaurant's ice-cold gazpacho.

303. Bad protection

There once was a tenor named Boris
Who used condoms so old they were porous.
When performing in Carmen
He saw little harm in
Impregnating girls from the chorus.

302. Perhaps needs mollycoddling

That sweet pulchritudinous Polly
Makes guys who espy her say "Golly!"
When they try to lay her
They just cannot sway her,
Attempts to fuck Polly are folly.

301. It's the pits

There's a beautiful woman named Gretchen
Whose appearance, you'd say, is quite fetchin'.
Though her looks are divine
Something isn't so fine --
Her horrid B.O. leaves you retchin'.

300. Spread-eagled

 It is only fitting that this, my 300th limerick, be a naughty one.
A slutty cheerleader named Vicky,
For her pre-game routine has a quickie.
When she then does the splits
It gives fans laughing fits,
She stays splayed-out because she's so sticky.

299. And that's no bull

A black-mailing gal from Seattle
Saw a man doing strange things with cattle.
Said she "What you did sucks!
Pay me 10,000 bucks,
Otherwise, I am going to tattle."

298. No pay inside the beltway

A Washington, D.C. man, Bobby,
Heads the anti-asparagus lobby.
But no one will pay
For what he has to say
So in fact, it's no job, it's a hobby.

297. Pachyderm sperm

While in old San Diego, dumb Rufus
Created somewhat of a zoo fuss.
He tried to get spunk
From an elephant's trunk --
There never has been such a doofus!

296. Missionary position only

A couple named Roger and Janie
Had troubles 'cause she was complainy.
When he'd get the itch
She became a real bitch
If he asked her to try something zany.

295. Microsoft's bane

A large group of cheap PC users
Can be categorized as big losers.
They ask friends for software,
Which version?  Don't oft care
'Cause beggars, it's true, can't be choosers.