Herr Trump's POTUS hopes we must bust
(How is it his hair's never mussed?)
Else he'll build that damned wall
Then all money recall
Reissued, "In Donald We Trust."
*In the world of academia, that means 'all but dissertation' and refers to doctoral candidates. I'm preempting it to mean, "anybody but donald."
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
2157. Taking on all comers
A 40's Brit hooker was barmy
The U.S. troops labeled her 'smarmy'
But her tough little cunt
Could take on the brunt
Of Gen'ral George Patton's 3rd army.
Actually, the 3rd Army fought in N. Africa, Italy, France and Germany. Maybe I should replace "U.S." in L2 with "U.K." and have L5 read, "Of Bernard Montgom'ry's 8th Army."
The U.S. troops labeled her 'smarmy'
But her tough little cunt
Could take on the brunt
Of Gen'ral George Patton's 3rd army.
Actually, the 3rd Army fought in N. Africa, Italy, France and Germany. Maybe I should replace "U.S." in L2 with "U.K." and have L5 read, "Of Bernard Montgom'ry's 8th Army."
Sunday, July 10, 2016
2145-2156. Twelve with a twist
Inspired by David's multi-stanza joke in OP316-320 and Suzanne's regular lengthy ones.
She was having a drink at the bar
When she spotted a hunk from afar
Both handsome and buff
She could not get enough
But something looked rather bizarre...
He was cut like he lived in a gym
Just could not take her eyes off of him
She imagined his weenie,
Picked up her martini
And found her tongue licking the rim.
His features were those of a Roman
Not one single hair needed combin'
She slipped off her chair
To head over there
And straight to his table went homin'
With muscles much like old King Kong
His attraction was ever so strong
As she told him her name
Her mind tried to frame
How to casually ask what was wrong
She said, "You're a sight for sore eyes
But I can't overcome my surprise.
These remarks aren't rehearsed
But I can't be the first
To ask, 'Why's your head half normal size?'"
He replied, "Let me buy you a drink
And I'll tell you what caused it to shrink."
The woman complied,
And sat down by his side
But wasn't sure what she should think.
He said, "I was born very thin
No muscles, and ugly as sin
One day, walking the beach,
I happened to reach
For a bottle that once had held gin.
As I brushed off the sand, smoke poured out
Plus a genie who let out a shout:
"I've been saved from the fishes!"
She said, "You've three wishes,
I'll grant them -- of this have no doubt."
No more than three seconds I took
To say, "I just hate how I look."
Can you give me the features
Of movie star creatures?"
Then, POOF! My entire visage shook.
Next she said, "Tell me what you'd like second."
Again, I quite rapidly reckoned,
"Make me 6-2 and brawny
With skin that is tawny."
Another POOF! My new self beckoned...
For she saw what my wishes had wrought
And must have become very hot
Clothes went flying and soon
I was having some poon,
A thing theretofore I'd had not.
I was fully alive (I'd been dead)
Should've kept my mouth shut but I said
Words I've always regretted
As we screwed and sweated,
"Could I have, um, a little head?"
She was having a drink at the bar
When she spotted a hunk from afar
Both handsome and buff
She could not get enough
But something looked rather bizarre...
He was cut like he lived in a gym
Just could not take her eyes off of him
She imagined his weenie,
Picked up her martini
And found her tongue licking the rim.
His features were those of a Roman
Not one single hair needed combin'
She slipped off her chair
To head over there
And straight to his table went homin'
With muscles much like old King Kong
His attraction was ever so strong
As she told him her name
Her mind tried to frame
How to casually ask what was wrong
She said, "You're a sight for sore eyes
But I can't overcome my surprise.
These remarks aren't rehearsed
But I can't be the first
To ask, 'Why's your head half normal size?'"
He replied, "Let me buy you a drink
And I'll tell you what caused it to shrink."
The woman complied,
And sat down by his side
But wasn't sure what she should think.
He said, "I was born very thin
No muscles, and ugly as sin
One day, walking the beach,
I happened to reach
For a bottle that once had held gin.
As I brushed off the sand, smoke poured out
Plus a genie who let out a shout:
"I've been saved from the fishes!"
She said, "You've three wishes,
I'll grant them -- of this have no doubt."
No more than three seconds I took
To say, "I just hate how I look."
Can you give me the features
Of movie star creatures?"
Then, POOF! My entire visage shook.
Next she said, "Tell me what you'd like second."
Again, I quite rapidly reckoned,
"Make me 6-2 and brawny
With skin that is tawny."
Another POOF! My new self beckoned...
For she saw what my wishes had wrought
And must have become very hot
Clothes went flying and soon
I was having some poon,
A thing theretofore I'd had not.
I was fully alive (I'd been dead)
Should've kept my mouth shut but I said
Words I've always regretted
As we screwed and sweated,
"Could I have, um, a little head?"
Saturday, July 9, 2016
2143. Breakfast Epiphanies
There once was an author named Tanner
Who published a book on Blythe Danner
Whatever he wrote he
Wrote just like Capote
All done in a limp-wristed manner.
Who published a book on Blythe Danner
Whatever he wrote he
Wrote just like Capote
All done in a limp-wristed manner.
Friday, July 8, 2016
PD233-235. Rottenly redolent
A chap down in Old Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Caused by impotence, size and aroma.
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had only one tit
And smelled like shit
But look at the bucks he did save!
There was an old harlot of Wick
Who was sucking a coal-heaver's prick.
She said, "I don't mind
All the coal dust and grime,
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."
Sorry for the near-rhyme of L3-4. Blame the unknown author.
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
But the sweetness of pitch
Couldn't put off the hitch
Caused by impotence, size and aroma.
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had only one tit
And smelled like shit
But look at the bucks he did save!
There was an old harlot of Wick
Who was sucking a coal-heaver's prick.
She said, "I don't mind
All the coal dust and grime,
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."
Sorry for the near-rhyme of L3-4. Blame the unknown author.
OP316-320. When magic turns tragic
Another old joke.
A cowboy one day set up camp
And nearby was a dirty old lamp
When he rubbed it, a djinn
Was released from within
So he figured his looks he'd revamp
With his first wish he sought to replace
His old mug with a handsome new face
With this marvelous mask
He just needed to ask
And the women would wildly embrace
For his second, he wished to be strong
And the cowboy was ripped before long
For the genie did hustle
To give him some muscle
That done, he moved on to his dong
To the genie, with powers enchanted
The cowboy dismounted and ranted
"It's my third wish, of course
To be hung like this horse!"
Said the genie, "Your wishes are granted."
When you wish from a genie, take care
You may get what you wish for, beware!
He was shocked what the genie
Had done to his weenie
You see, he'd been riding the mare.
A cowboy one day set up camp
And nearby was a dirty old lamp
When he rubbed it, a djinn
Was released from within
So he figured his looks he'd revamp
With his first wish he sought to replace
His old mug with a handsome new face
With this marvelous mask
He just needed to ask
And the women would wildly embrace
For his second, he wished to be strong
And the cowboy was ripped before long
For the genie did hustle
To give him some muscle
That done, he moved on to his dong
To the genie, with powers enchanted
The cowboy dismounted and ranted
"It's my third wish, of course
To be hung like this horse!"
Said the genie, "Your wishes are granted."
When you wish from a genie, take care
You may get what you wish for, beware!
He was shocked what the genie
Had done to his weenie
You see, he'd been riding the mare.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
2142. Kicking butts
I've a friend with a case of the frantics
He's real nervous and keeps pulling antics
Wants to put off his croaking
By giving up smoking
But needs a prescription for Chantix™.
He's real nervous and keeps pulling antics
Wants to put off his croaking
By giving up smoking
But needs a prescription for Chantix™.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
2141. "The pill" is lots cheaper
You'll recall that I promised a verse
About maidens awaiting 'the curse'
When those unmarried cunts
Haven't bled for two months
They oft seek an abortionist nurse.
About maidens awaiting 'the curse'
When those unmarried cunts
Haven't bled for two months
They oft seek an abortionist nurse.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
2138-2140. Return of the native
After taking nine days off to roam
I am so fucking glad to be home!
Driving 1200 miles
In two days brings no smiles
Crazy drivers can make your mouth foam.
Yes, I'm back from my lengthy sojourn
And suppose it again is my turn
To attempt to regale
Or, with philth, to assail
Readers' tender ears until they burn.
'Though I can't be compared to John Ciardi
And certainly not Thomas Hardy
Soon I'll use 'cunt' or 'piss'
As I rhyme 'bout a miss
Who got laid and whose period is tardy.
I am so fucking glad to be home!
Driving 1200 miles
In two days brings no smiles
Crazy drivers can make your mouth foam.
Yes, I'm back from my lengthy sojourn
And suppose it again is my turn
To attempt to regale
Or, with philth, to assail
Readers' tender ears until they burn.
'Though I can't be compared to John Ciardi
And certainly not Thomas Hardy
Soon I'll use 'cunt' or 'piss'
As I rhyme 'bout a miss
Who got laid and whose period is tardy.
OP310-315. Return of the man's man
Bet you're waiting to read something dirty
Well, the best I can do is go flirty -
There once was a fella
Who kissed Cinderella
And helped her remove her nightshirty.
Fairy Godmother'd said, "I'm not mean
But by midnight come back to this scene
If you're late, then I fear
That your diaphragm, dear
Will once more be an old trampoline."
And so that is the best I can do
If I've dashed all your hopes, then boohoo!
Being filthy's not easy
I'd just look too sleazy
But David (again) might come through...
Hey Steve, won't you give it a whirl?
Go ahead, you're a man, not a girl
I'm sure you'll be met
With applause then, I bet
Give your talent a chance to unfurl!
Sure that when Phil returns from his trip
He'll just let the testosterone rip
Big bare boobies will bounce
Perky peckers will pounce
He'll let more than an ounce of goo drip!
Ev'rything will be right back to normal
Uncensored, disgusting, informal
You'll be laughing, then crying
With body parts flying
First teasing, then seizing
Then squeezing, then easing
Then pleasingly sleazy/abnormal!
Well, the best I can do is go flirty -
There once was a fella
Who kissed Cinderella
And helped her remove her nightshirty.
Fairy Godmother'd said, "I'm not mean
But by midnight come back to this scene
If you're late, then I fear
That your diaphragm, dear
Will once more be an old trampoline."
And so that is the best I can do
If I've dashed all your hopes, then boohoo!
Being filthy's not easy
I'd just look too sleazy
But David (again) might come through...
Hey Steve, won't you give it a whirl?
Go ahead, you're a man, not a girl
I'm sure you'll be met
With applause then, I bet
Give your talent a chance to unfurl!
Sure that when Phil returns from his trip
He'll just let the testosterone rip
Big bare boobies will bounce
Perky peckers will pounce
He'll let more than an ounce of goo drip!
Ev'rything will be right back to normal
Uncensored, disgusting, informal
You'll be laughing, then crying
With body parts flying
First teasing, then seizing
Then squeezing, then easing
Then pleasingly sleazy/abnormal!
OP309. His Independence Day, unfortunately
Some good fortunes can be, and some can’t.
Sometimes offers are made which enchant.
Okie title hopes slayed,
He sought champs; Frisco bade,
And the Thunder lost Kevin Durant.
Monday, July 4, 2016
OP304-308. Happy Fourth of July, America the Beautiful!
Happy birthday there, U.S. of A!
Put your red, white and blue on display
Have a grand celebration
Of your lovely nation
You rouse admiration today!
Your fireworks, parades, none can match it
Your enthus'asm bug, gotta catch it!
You're a fabulous host
So let's all raise a toast
Where we're itching the most, you sure scratch it!
Go ahead, toot your horn, you can boast
Of achievements you've made coast to coast
Your movies, the arts
Touch the coldest of hearts
Your tourist attractions
Are splendid distractions
Technology, science
Some lit'rary giants
Poets so jocular
(One in particular)
For a past you may yearn
There's rich hist'ry to learn
And your music so sweet
Makes my heart skip a beat
Apple pie is your treat I like most.
Your politics, so entertaining
Our int'rest in that's never waning
And there is this rumor
You invented humor
You ought to be proud
Go ahead, you're allowed
So don't worry, the crowd's not complaining.
But there's something you're REALLY known for
To the world's oppressed, y'opened the door
Justice, liberty, peace
And compassion don't cease
Let the love just increase all the more!
Happy 240th birthday, Neighbor!
Put your red, white and blue on display
Have a grand celebration
Of your lovely nation
You rouse admiration today!
Your fireworks, parades, none can match it
Your enthus'asm bug, gotta catch it!
You're a fabulous host
So let's all raise a toast
Where we're itching the most, you sure scratch it!
Go ahead, toot your horn, you can boast
Of achievements you've made coast to coast
Your movies, the arts
Touch the coldest of hearts
Your tourist attractions
Are splendid distractions
Technology, science
Some lit'rary giants
Poets so jocular
(One in particular)
For a past you may yearn
There's rich hist'ry to learn
And your music so sweet
Makes my heart skip a beat
Apple pie is your treat I like most.
Your politics, so entertaining
Our int'rest in that's never waning
And there is this rumor
You invented humor
You ought to be proud
Go ahead, you're allowed
So don't worry, the crowd's not complaining.
But there's something you're REALLY known for
To the world's oppressed, y'opened the door
Justice, liberty, peace
And compassion don't cease
Let the love just increase all the more!
Happy 240th birthday, Neighbor!
Sunday, July 3, 2016
OP301-303. The perks of aging
I can't wait to retire for Pete's sakes!
I'm so tired and my body just aches
This nonstop hamster wheel
Is a-making me feel
Like an automobile with no brakes.
My 'best before' date has expired
But it's ten more years till I'm retired
I don't get a raise
And for what the job pays
I just might as well get myself fired!
Oh wait, I can't! I'm self-employed!
Now my chance to get pogey's destroyed
So it's back to the grind
Can't let bills fall behind
Being homeless, I find, I'll avoid.
I'm so tired and my body just aches
This nonstop hamster wheel
Is a-making me feel
Like an automobile with no brakes.
My 'best before' date has expired
But it's ten more years till I'm retired
I don't get a raise
And for what the job pays
I just might as well get myself fired!
Oh wait, I can't! I'm self-employed!
Now my chance to get pogey's destroyed
So it's back to the grind
Can't let bills fall behind
Being homeless, I find, I'll avoid.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
OP298-300. Is a cannibal bannable?
My friend whose old in-laws did stay
Said he had them for lunch yesterday
As I wore a straight face
I asked calmly, with grace
"So were they the dessert or entrée?"
This cannibal made my nerves rattle
Should I go to the cops now and tattle?
If I squeal and resist
I'd be next on his list
Oh my head's in a twist; what a battle!
There's a program called 'Witness Protection'
But I'll still change my hair and complexion
I'll look over my shoulder
And as I get older
I hope to escape his detection.
Said he had them for lunch yesterday
As I wore a straight face
I asked calmly, with grace
"So were they the dessert or entrée?"
This cannibal made my nerves rattle
Should I go to the cops now and tattle?
If I squeal and resist
I'd be next on his list
Oh my head's in a twist; what a battle!
There's a program called 'Witness Protection'
But I'll still change my hair and complexion
I'll look over my shoulder
And as I get older
I hope to escape his detection.
Friday, July 1, 2016
OP293-297. Who's Canadian, eh?
As a guest blogger, that's just my luck
Because I'm just a little Canuck
And oh, by the way
Happy Canada Day
To all north of the border, yukyuk!
That's our version of Fourth of July
Independence made everyone high
As the fireworks go off
You just know you can't scoff
At the feeling that money can't buy.
My faith in Canuck foods - unshaken
Poutine, maple syrup and bacon
The best for my tummy -
Nanaimo bar (yummy!)
Our salmon's great too, no mistakin'!
We may not be much of a wealth heir
Or invent high-tech 'lectronic stealthware
But we smile and we labor
We're just your north neighbor
We're unarmed Amer'cans with health care.
Forgive me for bein' patriotic
I'm just silly, straightforward, psychotic
In three days it's your turn
When it comes, you will learn
That I'm not really all that neurotic!
Because I'm just a little Canuck
And oh, by the way
Happy Canada Day
To all north of the border, yukyuk!
That's our version of Fourth of July
Independence made everyone high
As the fireworks go off
You just know you can't scoff
At the feeling that money can't buy.
My faith in Canuck foods - unshaken
Poutine, maple syrup and bacon
The best for my tummy -
Nanaimo bar (yummy!)
Our salmon's great too, no mistakin'!
We may not be much of a wealth heir
Or invent high-tech 'lectronic stealthware
But we smile and we labor
We're just your north neighbor
We're unarmed Amer'cans with health care.
Forgive me for bein' patriotic
I'm just silly, straightforward, psychotic
In three days it's your turn
When it comes, you will learn
That I'm not really all that neurotic!
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