OP242-246 Bloody Damn Valentine Curse

HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN:

Be a stellar companion and friend
And a close confidante till the end
Be passionate, loving
Not pushy, no shoving
Be tactful, try not to offend.

Give her lots of attention and learn
To expect not too much in return
If she's mad, you should fear her
If sad, you could cheer her
To show that you do feel concern.

Remember each special occasion
Admit all your faults -- no evasion
Be loyal, don't cheat her
Like royalty treat her
Make her part of ev'ry equation.

Flowers/diamonds/sweets go a long way
When out dining, make sure that you pay
With every breath
You must say (until death)
Those three words, "I love you" ev'ry day.

HOW TO PLEASE A MAN:

A man's needs and wants are but few
Won't be asking a whole lot from you
For what joy that it brings
Do just two little things
Bring some beer, oh, and be naked too.

1987. And then there were six

2/12 brought the end of Jim Gilmore
Won't be POTUS like old Millard Fillmore
Who even knew he
Had a candidacy?
Bet we soon see the downfall of still more.

1986. Good news, bad news

The oil glut's a problem that's global
Wouldn't bring laughs from even George Gobel
Gas is cheap at the pumps
But I'm taking my lumps
In the market.  (I own Exxon-Mobil.)

1985. Batting .500 on my predictions

Wednesday, two Repubs threw in the towel
One female, one with a huge bowel
Not many are misty
'Bout losing Chris Christie
And too few folks heard Carly howl.
I successfully predicted the demise of Carly Fiorina in #1982-1983, but also guessed John Kasich would drop out.  He was 2nd (behind Trump) in the NH primary!

1984. We'd probably vote for Attila

Seeking office inside Oklahoma?
Just be weird like the art in the MOMA
Oh, and one other thing,
Be like France's Sun King --
So far right, you'll keep folks in a coma.
MOMA=Museum of Modern Art.  Louis XIV was the SK.

1982-1983. Who stays? Who goes?

Of Repubs try'n to get out the word
It seems like the number's absurd
But one thing's for damp sure
The folks in New Hampshire
Will help us by thinning the herd.

Which candidate will we next dump
So that fewer will stand on the stump?
Prob'ly Kasich or Carly
Though neither's as gnarly
As who I'd like gone -- Donald Trump.
Today is the presidential primary election in N.H.  Republicans on the ballot are Bush, Carson, Christie, Cruz, Fiorina, Gilmore, Kasich, Rubio, Trump.

1981. Dry dessert

After taking his woman to lunch
Mike wanted a bit more to munch
Though he thought that his sweet 'un
Might like being eaten
It turned out he just had a hunch.

1980. Probably more than I deserve

20,000 hits made on my blog!
That pleases this old glory hog.
And though some posts glitter
If they were on Twitter
Ten million the airwaves might clog!
Actually, the StatCounter™ at the bottom left of each page isn't accurate.  Visits from phones aren't logged and certain firewalls even 'hide' computer visits.  On the other hand, if a visitor stays on for very long, he gets counted several times!  I block my visits so as not to skew the stats any more than they are.

OP241. I'll probe her sober

I am not one of those alcoholics
If you hear I drink beer, then it's bollocks
I still go to the bar
Spy on women who are
And take home one who's frisky and frolics.

1979. One hit wonder

In Russia was born Mikhail Glinka
Who was known as a very deep thinka
Wrote "Ruslan and Lyudmila"
Chez dacha (a villa)
Its overture sure ain't a stinka.

1978. No rubber might rub 'er the wrong way

Contraceptives? They could have used some
For the girlfriend was left feeling numb
When he shot his white stuff
In a glob on her muff
Having pulled out before she had come.

1977. Definitely a DOGgerel

The corn dog would probably rank
As my fav'rite fair food.  You can bank
On its growing much fatter
Once cooked in that batter --
An uncircumcised Nathan's frank.

1976. Calliope catastrophe

The poetry muse has grown muddy
My lim'ricks now seem somewhat cruddy
A sexual session
Might lend inspiration;
Suzanne, would you be my fuck buddy?
She's my only regular female reader... and I write this?!


Suzanne Heymann here...

OP237-240. Reply to #1976

Well, I choked and coughed drinking my tea
I sprayed it out all over me
When I read the last line
Of your lim'rick, you swine
I could just see you grinning with glee!

Well, you certainly do have the guts
To post this in public; you're nuts!
What am I gonna do
With impossible you?
I've been cornered, no ifs, ands, or butts.

Your request puts you in a tight spot
And your fantasy does diddly squat --
2000 miles plus
All but separate us
The hot plot that you sought is all shot.

Shock treatments might help you in bed
(But somehow I received one instead)
A sex therapist ought
To help where I cannot
To move on -- you just might get a head.

1975. At the bottom of the stare

I called up my buddy named Joe
And asked, "Where the hell did you go?"
"To the beach," he replied,
"And you'd love what I've spied --
Every girl seems to have camel toe."

PD213-216. Nearly naughty

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
        Saw a man come along
        And, unless I am wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.

A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a Key Club concession
        When she swiveled about
        Even strong men cried out
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.

A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge
        When his date was strapped in
        He committed a sin
Without even leaving his grodge.

A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll
        At a masquerade ball,
        Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.

You can tell these were lifted from another site.  L3-4 are indented.