1715. Opening Pandora

A virgin, while out on a date,
Indicated she'd finally mate
Once the guy breached her cavity
It brought on depravity
Her sex drive she now cannot sate.

1714. Vile viol lesson

From my teacher I got a tongue lashin':
"Why is it you play with no passion?"
I put down my fiddle
And right there did diddle
Her in a crescendoing fashion.

1713. Just offal

I sit and I stare at my set
Thinking, "Just how much worse can shows get?"
The plots are all weak
And the actors all reek
At least I've not vomited.... yet.

My last complaint about this was #1397 last July.

1712. Near rhyme

Our language of English is mussy
Words can drive poets crazy and fussy
This damned lim'rick won't rhyme
With that place so sublime
I'm referring, of course, to a pussy.

1711. Passionate intensity

Click her name for a short bio and a few poems.
A Canadian poet named Stitt
Is possessed of a magical wit
No “hi ho the derry o”
From up in Ontario
Her verses yield both grins and grit.

1710. It's a stretch

There once was an Irishman, Denny,
Whose peter was long but was skinny
And when it got hard
It would reach half a yard(!)
That's the record for County Kilkenny.

1709. No laughing matter

An erstwhile teenager named Clive
Ignored warnings, "Do not text and drive!"
If my use of 'erstwhile'
Hasn't brought a wry smile
It means "former."  He's now not alive.

1708. Call to the call-girl service

If my escorts are skinny, I chucks 'em
I'm partial to only the buxom
So if it won't trouble ya
Send just BBW
They have to have curves when I fucks 'em.

1707. I'm a grammar Nazi

If you say, "Just between you and I"
Well it might make me spit in your eye
It sticks in my craw
Like Je ne sais quoi
Use objective case!  Don't make me cry.

1706. It was a fur piece

I once screwed a woman in Butte
I was drunk and she looked sorta cute
She had hair on her tits
And did not shave her pits
I'd bet Sasquatch is not as hirsute.

1705. Lemme 'cue you in

I love me some good barbecue
Washed down with an icy cold brew
When it's cooked low and slow
So the juices all flow
There's no meat I like better, it's true!

PD194-199. You go, girls

As the elevator left our floor
Big Sue caught her chest in the door
She yelled a good deal,
But if they had been real
She’d have hollered consid'rably more.

The hygienic young miss from out west
Asked the cowboy who sat on her chest,
"Will cum cause decay?"
"No, ma'am.  I've heard say
It's the secret ingredient of Crest."

Said oul Kate to her crock of a kettle,
"Sure, you're not in the finest of fettle,
But your spout isn't slack
Like my poor husband Jack
Pity his wasn't made out of metal!"

There was a young lady named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice
The Padre agreed
It was done out of need
And not out of Protestant malice.

A businesslike harlot named Draper
Once tried an unusual caper
What made it so nice
Was you got it half-price
If you brought in her ad from the paper.

There once was a woman from France
Who got on the bus in a trance
Six passengers fucked her
Besides the conductor
And the driver shot twice in his pants.

1704. Can't spell bewildering without 'wild'

A professional golfer named Phil*
Hits his ball over valley and hill
Into forests and lakes
And in sand traps with rakes
People watch him because he's a thrill.
*Mickelson, not Graham.  I'm only an amateur.

1703. Fire in the hole

A lesbian lady named Laura
Licks twats like they did in Gomorrah
If God rains down more fire
Things could get rather dire
As in Chapter 19 of the Torah.

1702. Inbread tastes

I love to chow down on a Reuben,
A hoagie or maybe a Cuban
And when choosing a drink
I decidedly think
Each goes well with a pale ale for lubin'.