OP148. Indian Love Coll(ection)

Don’t be sad that the bachelor Sridhar

Still has no one whom he may call “Sweethear’.”

     For one finds in the wake

     Of this globe-trotting rake

Where prodigious results of his seed are.

Written to honor a departing colleague, this text is completely fictional –- or is it?

1332. Pimp and circumstance

A constable working in Crewkerne
Arrested a woman for hookin'
She was let out of gaol
When the chief paid her baol
(Which sounds like a case of home cookin'.)

I've still not exhausted the UK toponyms sent me by reader Richard.  Today's is a village in Somerset, not too far from Exeter.  That city provided the famous one previously posted (Nov. 7, 2011) as PD12.

1331. Germans on the rise again?

An election was held near the Rhine
To select the erection most fine
Results of the pollin'
Determined 'Best Swollen',
His grew from two inches to nine!

1330. No newts is bad newts

Two bald-headed actors from Wrexham
Fear Macbeth's wicked witches will hex 'em
So each night the strong bald one
Secretes* the black caldron
Which rankles the guy who directs 'em.

*As in 'hides.'  We don't hear that meaning very often.

1329. So glaringly obvious

In a town in East Sussex named Uckfield
When it rains, rugby's played on a muck field.
And when it gets dark
Lovers head for the park
Where the greensward (of course) is a fuck field.

1328. She intruded? He's deluded.

The trial of Oscar Pistorius
Has been broadcast with all of the gories'
Details.  "Blade Runner,"
That 'frightened' hand-gunner,
Seems guilty and also vainglorious.

1327. What a dipstick

A gal on the rag found some lug,
Took him home where she acted quite smug
"Now, when me you despoil
It's like checking my oil,
But first let me pull my drain plug."

1326. Sharper than her tongue

A husband who lived in Polperro*
Oft was cut by his wife to the marrow
As a great quid pro quo
He bought a long bow
And shot her fat bum with an arrow.

*Another British town (it's in Cornwall.)

OP147. The short straw

I know of a fellow named Nick
Who has the world's tiniest dick
Though he can, in a pinch
Make it stretch to an inch
He is better advised to go lick.

1325. Good Lard! Knott my best.

In a contest to eat the most pie
Gary gave fifteen flavors a try
The boysenberry
Did poison Gary
Which caused him to throw up and cry.

1324. In the bag

A man who'd had many a hum job
Used his old stretched-out scrotum to plumb bob
And the size of the nuts
Hanging under his putz
Insured he could shoot a large cum gob.

1323. A salt with no deadly weapon

A ship captain's life was a sham
He did not, for the law, give a damn
Whenever in port
He'd commit a small tort
And creep back to his ship on the lam.

1322. No Stern remarks

When agreeing to teach Oscar Shumsky
Mr. Zimbalist's skull wasn't numbsky
Efrem said, "I'll be fuct,
He can play and conduct!"
And the student became a close chumsky.

Shumsky (1917-2000) was a fine American violinist and conductor.  One of his teachers was Russian-born Efrem Zimbalist (1889-1985.)  Zimbalist was one of the greatest violinists ever but his son, actor Efrem Zimbalist, Jr, got more fame.  Sigh...

1321. Food fright

There once was a sous chef who reveled
In making the eggs known as 'deviled'
On top he would leak a
Small shake of paprika
But smear it, which left them disheveled.
I love them and will eat them regardless of appearance!

OP146. Collaboration

When Richard sent me the UK toponyms, he provided all of a limerick he could recall -- L1 and L5 -- and wondered if I could supply the rest.  I didn't know that last line, though Legman published two referencing Twickenham.  Anyway, I made up L2-4 to arrive at this:

There was a young man from Twickenham
Got two skanky whores, began lickin' 'em
When he noticed pus drips
Falling off of his lips
Then he took off his boots and was sick in ‘em.