1066. Not the Merion kind

Phil Mickelson took his June pride
And swallowed it deeply inside.
He'll have to keep hopin'
To win U.S. Open,
Six times he's been bridesmaid, not bride.

1065. Some habits die hard

A cross-dressing fellow named Sneed
At a dance picked the first man he see'd
Secret given away
When he just had to say,
"Hey, big guy.  You follow, I'll lead."

1064. Virginia Bitch

A hooker who works Newport News
Gets rich when the fleet ends a cruise
The town becomes teemin'
With thousands of seamen
All eager to get 'em some cooze.

1063. Paint ball might be safer

While role-playing on his back porch
A kid took an arrow to torch
He spilled lighter fluid
Upon a small druid
And gave the child's costume a scorch.

1062. Jim's nims

There once was a London lad, James,
Whom everyone called by bad names
They all mispronounced him
And further renounced Jim
By tossing him into the Thames.

1061. Attitude adjuster

There's a woman who lives in Fort Riley
Who can put on a look that's beguiley
And when it's enacted
Your dick gets protracted
And you go from frowning to smiley.

1060. Who's dissin' who?

There once was a bastard named Lou
Who sometimes invection would spew.
Told his wife 'You're a cunt'
Which she called "an affront
to my dignity -- therefore, fuck you!"

1059. Up and atom

A physicist, first name of Niels,
Came up with some quite brilliant diels
The element, Bohrium,
Was named in memoriam
The man was so smart, gives me chiels.
Among other things, he proposed the model of the atom with electrons orbiting a nucleus.

1058. Couldn't prise the thighs

A man took a girl to debauch
So's to add to his bed one more notch
First, took her to dinner
But couldn't get in 'er
'Cause she wouldn't open her crotch.

1057. Drink to the devil

There once was a fellow named Bruno
Who went to the opera in Juneau
He was totally soused
So missed much of Faust
A work by composer Charles Gounod.
Music lovers will note that I stressed the wrong syllable in Charles' last name.  You might enjoy OkieJokey's post about Messieur Gounod found HERE.

1056. Grow some balls!

This one's 'bout a fellow named Peyton
Whose favorite pastime was datin'
But he never got
Inside a girl's twat
He was too shy to ask one for matin'.

1055. She's on celery

A pretty employee named Barb
Can often be seen in fine garb
Her clothes are all new
Her dress size is two
(Eats nothing with more than one carb.)

1054. This may soil you

A gay Jewish man from Ho-Ho-Kus
Likes planting nasturtiums and crocus
Sometimes when out gardening
His dick will start hardening
From thoughts of a schlong up his tochus.
Yiddish for buttocks, it's also spelled tochas, tochess, toches, tuchus, tuchas, tokus and maybe more ways in English.

1053. Go East, young man

A man on vacation named George
Took a trip to the deep Royal Gorge
He fell off the side
And of course he then died
Should have visited flat Valley Forge.

1052. Hot cross buns

A weirdo from Egypt named Cronk
Would wank near his wife like a wonk
And when he would come
He'd wipe some on her bum
Inscribing the shape of an Ankh.